One Fantasy One Time Only

I find it hard to explain when I get asked if I would do something again; especially if that request is a sexual one.

There are experiences that are simply one-off moments in my sexual adventure. Some experiences “happen” without a lot of planning, while others have been discussed, analyzed, over-thought and over-questioned for months. And some were never intended to be anything more than “let’s try it, just once” and then moving on to the next thing.

Is this a bitter blog entry? I hope not, but I do hope that you will get a sense of why my sex life isn’t always this wild, swinging from the chandelier lifestyle.

Although the Internet – and my pseudo life as Andee – has given many wonderful avenues and opportunities to explore, behind all that is the real woman. A real woman who isn’t as confident as the Internet allows her to be, and has a habit of feeling really, REALLY, nervous when sexual opportunities come her way. It’s easy to be bold online; it’s not so easy to be as bold when you’re sitting on your bed in black lingerie, stockings and high heels while a man who isn’t your husband strokes his cock to incredible hardness while talking dirty about what he wants to do to you.

Ah yes, just like a recent video and photo session that took place that has been an idea for many, many years. It was also an experience that so many men had been begging me to try for years – almost as many years as I have been sharing myself online with you.

It was just not an experience I ever thought would actually happen … nor was I fully prepared to hear the kind of things from a man standing right in front of me about what he was about to do to me … while my body was going “fuck yes!” and my mind going “my hubby will save me from this, surely he can’t think this is a good thing.”

Still, even as we carefully planned and staged the experience, ensured the safety (and privacy where necessary) of everyone involved, it was an experience that I felt absolutely terrified over. But don’t get me wrong, it was also something I had had a very deep, burning, pussy soaking desire to try – if not just for those who were longing to see me do it, but also for myself. Good lord, I was desperate to try…

In the end, I was left unbelievably rocked in the greatest sense possible.

In fact, the Internet gave me the ‘rationale’ and almost the excuse. Thankfully, my friend is an amazing – inexplicably amazing – man who invested as much care and concern into my husband as he did with me. That’s a real rarity.

It’s not easy to find a ‘playmate’ who recognizes that an encounter is nothing more than a singular event. The Internet would have us believe that it’s as common as a blink where you can find a sex partner, have a wild, intimate fuck and then move on to the next idea. It will never capture the emotion, the human connection, the many (many) conversations and talking out the scenario.

Trust me, no 48-year old married woman is just hooking up with a boyfriend – especially one that may cross traditional barriers – like a snap of the fingers. It just doesn’t work like that, even if the Internet says it does.

In my case, this whole experience has taken a few years to come to fruition. I met my friend through school (less so than extra-marital sex, but still a terrifying experience for a 40-something woman), and together, we NEVER anticipated such an encounter. I bravely broached the subject of such an encounter when I was living overseas and we were simply engaged in very platonic online chatting. Slowly, over the span of a few months, I shared more and more about my life as Andee. He was genuinely intrigued – and surprisingly encouraging without ever offering a hint of sexual interest.

Four months ago, like so many throughout the pandemic, his personal life took a left turn. We began chatting more intimately about life and living. A small part of me – I think fueled by a couple gin and tonics – decided on night to see where the line was. I asked him if he ever considered the idea of me beyond the bounds of a married friend who would occasionally have a naughty chat. We began to talk about my website, real sex, adventure and experience. I’m not sure where it became more personal over philosophical, but it did. We shared openly about our own sexual past, desires and fantasies.

With him knowing about my life online, I told him how some of my fans had a desire to see me with a man other than my husband; bluntly, a black man…the cuckold fantasy. I have lived my life trying to be as “colour blind” as possible – I couldn’t care less about a man’s background, as long as he’s sincere, kind, loving, trustworthy and emotionally generous. I don’t even remember who said it first, but it got said … and neither of us shied away from the idea.

And that set it in motion.

This is a story with so much I could say, but I’m not sure it would take you anywhere different.

The conclusion to it all wouldn’t change. My friend is a dear love – a very platonic, dear love, who I share a very unique friendship with. Even without the sex. It’s bigger than a moment we created together to allow me a wonderful gift.

But I also know you want something as well, my dear readers. So …

Yes, he fucked me. Our platonic agreement set aside for a night; exchanged for a massive, breath-taking erection and a married woman wearing stockings trying to calmly rip open a condom wrapper. There’s a video and photos. Ask me if you don’t know where to see them.

More so, I think you want to know more about my outlook on the experience.

I can’t tell you how terrified I was. I must have asked my husband close to 1,000 times if this was right, if it would change things, was I doing what was right, what they hell I was thinking … all those scared shitless questions. Every single time, he assured me that everything would be perfect no matter what happened…that there would be no regrets, no “what ifs” when that final moment came.

I also can’t tell you how unbelievable it felt. It may take some time before my pussy recovers from the sensations and experience.

What I can tell you is that what happened once … will remain “what happened once.” Through all the times my husband and I explored swinging and testing the boundaries of our sexuality, I never had another man penetrate me so deeply, bring me such incredible pleasure. We played, we explored, we fantasized … we never reached this point.

But this wasn’t that. This experience was a gift from my husband and my friend for something that is outside the reality of who I really am, and where I want to be going forward. It will never replace what I have with a man who has loved me for over 30 years and shown me the greatest experiences a woman could imagine.

And for reasons that never come to reality on the Internet, it will only be a one-time experience. My friend and I … will indulge ourselves with friendship rather than sex.

But … damn … did I get fucked!

Andee     xoxo

Sex In My 40s | 10 Questions

Yeah, OK … it’s been, like, forever since I had a blog post. Unfortunately for all the fun we had here, life just got busy. And with that, some of my inspiration and enthusiasm for all things naughty took a hit.

I’d like to promise more frequent posts … but let’s pretend our relationship is brand new, and we’ll take it slow for a wee while. How’s that with you guys?

I have a ton of questions to answer that guys from all over have sent me. I thought a good way to ease back into my blog would be to share some answers and let that begin to restore my thoughts and passion for sharing dirty words with you.

You tweet a lot about your male coworkers, and flirting and such. Are you really that flirty with them?

I certainly used to be. In one of my old jobs, I worked with a lot of fun guys – I called them my “Office Guys” – and we were very flirty with each other. We all knew the unwritten rules and boundaries – and despite the social climate around relations in a workplace and #metoo – I made sure my Office Guys knew full-well that I was a willing participant in the game. It was just an environment that needed to have some humour and distraction. And yes, I would sometimes dress up specifically for them – dresses, short skirts, and maybe an outfit or two that could have been considered a bit ‘unfair’ in the game, etc. It was all fun, harmless and flirty – and my husband was well aware of everything. These days, however, I am in a new job and work predominantly with other women, and the workplace is much different. I do miss my Office Guys and I do miss the fun we had.

Have you ever, or would you, open the door naked?

As crazy as the idea is – and popular on the Internet for the (you know most of them are staged/fake) “pizza delivery guy” videos – no, I wouldn’t. The idea can be fun, but the reality is much different, especially in my offline life.

When sunbathing, how much do you bare to dare?

Depends on where I am. Despite my province allowing for women to go topless in public, it’s not something I would do as a habit – and the beaches near me are all very family-oriented. Now, when I am at home in my own yard, I will tan topless.

Have you ever done a striptease or lapdance for anyone?

No. I’m not really much for putting on that kind of dance show. I can be a bit awkward – kind of like Elaine’s infamous dance on Seinfeld.

Do you like being tickled?

No. I really don’t enjoy it. In fact, my husband knows if he wants to piss me off at lightspeed …

Do you like being blindfolded?

Depends. I’m not so keen on it during a kidnapping … but in a highly consensual sexual situation, it can be very erotic. Being blindfolded during that kind of play – where there is a high level of trust – it heightens the sensations and anticipation.

In the bedroom, what makes a partner a champion lover?

Good question! In a fantasy/perfect world sense, there may be some unrealistic ideals … but in reality, for me personally, if a man wants to consider taking home the big trophy, he needs to pay very close attention to my needs. It’s cliché to say “she cums first” – but that is the primary goal in the championship game; satisfying my sexual needs and desires first (but not as an exclusive effort – foreplay works both ways). It should be something that he has practiced repeatedly, and brings it every time. I can assure you, if a man achieves that level, he’s definitely going to enjoy the rewards for his effort.

When it comes to spicing things up in the bedroom, how adventurous are you willing to be?

Short answer – pretty far.

Adventure for me always requires a level of planning and agreement. If my hubby showed up with a collection of hot, sexy, hard men ready to send me into orgasmic nirvana – without me being in that immediate mindspace – things may not develop as intended. But he knows me well enough to know that if I really wanted an adventure like that to happen in real life, it would be a journey we take together.

My willingness to explore is pretty high, provided it is an area that comes with an understanding. I think a lot of people view adventure as being something spontaneous, but in my view it doesn’t always work that way when it comes to a sexual experience. The older I get, the more intrigued I am by new experiences – both sexually and not. But I also am becoming more pragmatic about those; what is fantasy, what is adventure, and what can really happen in real life – and how much training will I need to be prepared for what a collection of hot, sexy, hard men ready to send me into orgasmic nirvana are going to do to me!

When was the last time you dressed provocatively to attract attention and flirting?

It has been a while. Even taking the pandemic out of the equation, a lot of my life over the past few years has been driven by working in an environment where dressing up is not practical. I also no longer travel for my work – conferences and meetings. And, then a period of time living overseas where my husband and I spent far more time exploring history and the country than dressing up and going out to posh places.

Apart from that idea of my surroundings not being very condusive to it, I have to be honest that I also have gone through a period of feeling unsure and insecure. It’s natural as you age, your body changes, you go grey … you notice that you don’t turn heads as much.

I get no shortage of encouragement from my hubby … and so I also politely remind him that he needs to start taking me places where I can slip into those outfits.

What was your motivation for your most recent masturbation session?

I was horny … I had this little fantasy playing out in my head after reading a few chapters of a rather erotic romance novel and, well, it got things stirred up.

Let’s be honest, moments of self-love are most often driven by a sexually-charged feeling. Maybe you need a little stress relief, or having a lingering thought in mind about that cute guy or girl you saw that day … or maybe you’re bored. The important thing is, it’s always OK to indulge yourself. Masturbation is healthy.

Andee xoxo

Sex in my 40s | Guys Masturbate

I get asked this quite a bit, and to be honest with you, I’m always a little reluctant to answer. Not because I don’t want to, but more because I’m not confident in how the answer would really resonate with you guys.

Do I think about guys masturbating to my photos and videos?

It’s a complicated answer that may or may not make me seem like a bit of a hypocrite.

I used to – quite often, actually. In the early days of this whole amateur porn gig, my sexuality and libido as a younger woman was still evolving. It still is today, but just in a different way.

In my late 20s and through my 30s, I wasn’t as sexually confident as I tried to fool myself into thinking I was. I had an internal desire to be validated as “sexy”, to come across as more of a vixen than my courage really was. Together with my husband, I explored all kinds of delightfully adventurous sexual experiences – swinging, coming out as bisexual, voyeurism, exhibitionism. There were a lot of new things to discover, and with heart racing, I often jumped in with both feet, both boobs and damn the common sense until tomorrow’s morning.

We had a lot of fun. We still do – just in somewhat tamer way now that we’re a bit older, a bit more doughy around the middle, and a bit more removed from the visual “ideal” of what is accepted in certain lifestyle scenes (cliques, to be perfectly honest – but that’s a much different blog).

OK, so what does all that have to do with me thinking about guys masturbating to my content? Well, because a lot of things – photos, videos, social media posts, etc. – were fueled by that whole idea. In being honest with myself, I was actually trying to get guys to do that. It was a challenge, a bit competitive and more conscious than not.

It was validation of me being a woman who could be desired. There was a very small part of me that also used the idea as sexual weapon in my own relationship. Not as cruel as this, but in a way, saying to my husband: “There are guys out there right now who are fantasizing about doing some very naughty things with me…now, are you going to turn the TV off, or do I…” And, in turn, I know he would agree and say something very similar: “You know there are guys out there stroking their hard cocks to you right now…”

It was part of our sexual game as a married couple. Incredible mind-fucks. It was … our kink.

Today, it is different. I’ve settled more peacefully into my sexuality and answered questions I needed to in my own mind. My life has gone further down the path intended for me, and if I spend too much time reflecting on certain things, my brain clicks over to more rational thinking. In a way, my thoughts go more to the consequences of my actions rather than the excitement of the discovery – if that makes sense. And it’s not just in the sexual context either – it’s the same within my offline life.

At the same time, unlike those earlier days, I have also matured to the point where – in a way – I accept more freely that men (and women) masturbate. It’s normal; it’s healthy. And they do so for a variety reasons, and use a variety of visual encouragements. As naïve as it may sound, now in my mid-40s, I actually hope more people have found a way to bring pleasure to themselves – rather than “needing” something to get them there.

I don’t view what I do anymore as a “competitive” way to get guys off – but rather as something that may “help” when they feel the urge. Which has turned my own thinking from the “C’mon baby, what are you doing with my pics?” to “I know you’re going to, so maybe what I have to offer may help get you to a better place.”

I still appreciate it when what I’m doing online is the instigator these days, given the massive amount of choice available for masturbatory aid. I just look at it differently now.

Andee xoxo

Sexual discoveries aren’t that bad

It’s been a while since I found myself in a position of discovering something new sexually. I think my long break in updating my blog is a pretty accurate clue as to the fact nothing new has been happening on that front.

It’s something I’ve had a number of conversations about over the years – online and in person:

Why sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think …

As sexual beings, we’re driven by our needs for intimacy and intercourse. On a base level, it’s a natural act of procreation … on an emotional level it’s an act of validation and humanity. And while most of us go about our business within the defined societal rules for sexual interaction, there’s always that thought in the back of your mind about pushing the limits. I’m not talking about breaking laws here … or even breaking hearts. But there are those thoughts that drive our desires for discovering something new.

Quite simply, it’s the fear of the unknown.

It doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was a pretty average, monogamous woman content with her marriage and sex life. I came into my relationship with limited sexual experience and no designs on taking it to any outrageous heights. I was a little naïve and I was happy just getting laid.

I’ve said before that if it wasn’t for my husband, I probably would have never tried anything close to what I have in life – and you certainly wouldn’t even be reading about it. I would still be that girl being happy she was getting laid.

Thankfully, and lovingly, he has pushed me to try new things and new experiences. He showed me that there really is an awful lot more in life than just being happy getting laid.

When I first began to embrace the idea of adding a new degree of spark to my marriage, I absolutely had an enormous amount of fear. I was afraid that we may “go too far” and “what if we do something that affects our relationship”. Jealousy, infidelity … talent and ability; all of that crossed my mind in the many conversations we had in the beginning. I really struggled with the idea that we may cross a line that we couldn’t erase.

But I was hooked on the idea. I was hooked on the idea that I could be happy being the girl who was more than just getting laid.

And after finding the momentary bravery – often fuelled by a hint of liquid courage – I immersed myself in those experiences without trying to think ahead. And what I soon discovered was that the fear of even beginning was way bigger than any of the “fallout” after the fact.

In fact, I soon figured out that one of the easiest ways to overcome the doubt was the orgasmic release that resulted from the encounters. The bigger challenge wasn’t living in the moment and enjoying the sexually-charged atmosphere – it was trying to not over-think the experience.

By the time you get to the point where intimacy is going to be a reality, you’ve already made up your mind that there’s enough curiosity, desire and chemistry for something to happen.

As people, I think once we venture into a moment of sensuality, the feelings of intimacy begin to take over. That soft kiss on the thigh begins to draw out a stronger sense of desire, which in turn, takes your mind away from your doubts. By the time you feel the hot breath of a new partner on your body, and tongues and fingers in places only your husband has been … you’ve begun to discover there’s not a lot to be feared.

To discover that you like sex just for the sake of having sex is liberating; to discover you like the taste of another woman and the softness of her kisses erases a lifetime of sexual repression. Of course, it doesn’t mean your love and ability to maintain intimacy with your partner has been replaced. It means you’ve figured out a way to overcome doubt and the human emotions of fear and jealousy. It means you defeated someone else’s standards for how you should experience pleasure.

That’s probably why the realization of sexual discoveries isn’t as big a deal as you think it is. Sex is good, sometimes really, really good … but it’s still sex. Fear and doubt, though, those are much more difficult to embrace. Letting go of feeling like you need to live according to how society dictates you should, that’s monumental.

Sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think, once you get there.

Andee     xoxo

 

Are celebrities killing our sex lives

I started thinking about this blog post before I actually wrote the #metoo rant … so I had to go back and give this some thought again. The question was originally put to me when I was updating on a more regular basis.

Is our obsession with today’s “celebrity culture” killing our sex lives?

Absolutely.

Short and sweet. I think it really is. But it’s tied to a lot of how we’ve allowed the celebrity culture into our lives. It’s not just about another Kartrashian having yet another child with yet another basketball player or rapper that they’re not married to. It’s that, plus numerous other ways we give them credence and power over how we choose to exist in our less exciting worlds.

Think about how much social media plays a monumental role in our validation as people today. Or, our lies.

First, let’s be honest about me. I’m not exactly who you think I am. “Andee” is simply someone I have created, along with the help of my husband and my imagination, to become an online personality. A lot of what “she” shares with you is very real; the experiences, the thoughts, the ideas, the photos. But it’s not all of me. I have many very normal and mundane qualities that rarely surface in Andee. She is the sexual dynamo. She is the brave warrior who flirts shamelessly with coworkers, pursues her bi-curiosities and dresses in stockings and a garterbelt for a day at the office.

She’s the woman you wish lived next door, the woman my husband wished he woke up to every day (he’d say much different, but come on, he’s a horny dog like the rest of you and would love a nothing-but-sexually adventurous wife 24/7), and she’s the woman with unrelenting feminine confidence with a closet full or lingerie and power suits.

She’s not the woman who suffered through a cancer scare, endometriosis and a hysterectomy. She’s not the woman who’s battled through bouts of depression and almost crippling self-doubt. She’s not the scarred survivor of parenthood, filled with doubt and frustration. Her dark days never surface on here …

But things like that aren’t fun to blog about; nor are they ideas that I spent several years wanting to blog about. The sex and relationship stuff has always been my escape; my desire to be better and desired. So, in that sense, “Andee” is a big part of who I am.

Some of her is me, some of me is her. All of it is carefully vetted for the Internet; just like the celebrity lives we live through vicariously on Twitter and Instagram. Edited, cleansed and digitally enhanced.

Is it that difficult to see how these things will change our perspective on sex and relationships? When we only see the carefully concocted moments in brilliant lives, can we even begin to imagine that supermodels fart, or celebrities get that same three-month-long cough our lovely co-worker had last winter and refused to get treatment for?

With the Internet, we have a short cut to fulfilling the advice our parents’ gave us about being anything we want to be. All we need to do is apply the right filter, backdrop or snippets about vacation destinations.

Celebrity lives are no different – except they do that with the intent of drawing us closer to the false flame of belief. We are expected to believe they have perfect lives so we’ll continue to validate their place in society. The pursuit of perfection is in everything they do – the perfect role, perfect partner, perfect look, perfect body … the perfect endorsement deal.

That path leads to a very large part of our society thinking they need to live up to those expectations – and achieve the same degree of perfection … all without grasping the reality. It feeds the fire of “keeping up with the Joneses.”

It’s the “Judge me for the number of ‘likes’” approach to living.

It’s fakery.

As a result, our culture becomes even more materialistic as people begin to place higher values on things over relationships.

The challenge is to see through that veil and rise above. I’m finding it gets way easier as I get older and let go of the need to be validated by society under these standards.

Andee     xoxo