Category Archives: Relationships
A burning question that’s been in my inbox for … about five years (I started out on my blog with a lot of really good intentions!): How do I get my shy husband to try something a little wilder with me?
I guess that might depend on your version of “wild.”
I don’t think it’s any secret that a common theme runs through all the stuff I post on here – when you want to do anything, change anything, try anything, stop anything in a sexual relationship, you need to communicate. The only way to keep a relationship healthy is by talking to each other and keeping an open mind – even if it means you’re closing the door on a specific experience.
It’s never easy trying to coax anyone into leaving their comfort zone. My husband has invested 26 years in slowly (and occasionally, quickly) helping me expand and explore my own limits. We’ve tried things I would have never imagined, and some that I never imagined would leave my imagination.
Getting me into this adventure started with a lot of small steps, all of which were great ways to gradually spice up our marriage. We didn’t take a huge leap right into many of the experiences we’ve had, but played them out in our mutual fantasies, often as post-sex conversation … sometimes mid-sex conversation. He was very encouraging for me to open up about my thoughts, and gradually let him in on some of the fantasies I never dreamed I could ever share.
He did a lot of simple things to set that stage – created fun little question and answer games, romantic dinners with a twist. For example, on one birthday, he created a sort of scavenger hunt for me: When I got to my car at work there was a set of envelopes on my seat, numbered. I had to follow each one, in order, before the final destination. He thought of everything to make it easy, a little challenging, but fun as hell. Starting at a lingerie shop for underwear, right through to an outfit and shoes; by the time I met him, I was completely made-up, dressed up and ready for a date.
At Christmas, he put together a “naughty list” stocking for me – which I would open on Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed. It was filled with fun adult gifts and naughty toys, all designed to add a little more sexual excitement to the end of a very stressful month (December is always a toughie).
Along the journey to helping me discover a new sexual side, he encouraged me to let go of the hang-ups I had. I can’t tell you how terrifying it was at first to admit to him about the flirtatious experiences I was enjoying online and at work. There were bumps along the way, more conversations, a bit of back and forth … and it was work. It took effort to not crawl back into my shell and plod along in life never testing the waters again.
Without question, it had to be a challenge for him too. It takes a certain kind of man to shed his own insecurities and let trust take over. I know he struggled at times as well … but he always told me how much more rewarding it was to see his wife developing into an exciting, confident and sexually-engaged woman than it was to remain in a relationship of mundane suburban cohabitation (his words).
My husband gradually introduced ‘new’ things to our relationship as my own comfort level and interest emerged from the depths of my mind. A touch stereotypical, it included lingerie for the bedroom, stiletto heels that would never been seen on me in public, sex toys. We played with the video camera and (pre-digital) the Polaroid camera. All that helped me see, in his eyes, how sexy he thought I was.
It’s amazing how much your sexual confidence grows when you see and hear constant reinforcement from someone you love dearly. Knowing I could be open and vulnerable allowed me to find more of that sexual confidence and my desire to blossom. Once the seal was broken, I wanted even more.
For me, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing from that point on, but more about no longer being afraid to try. I didn’t feel there would be some sort of humiliation or retribution. I had a sense of confidence and freedom to not only participate in some of his ideas for us as a couple, but introduce him to mine. What began as his efforts to get me to be more adventurous turned into a journey we shared.
My teenage son introduced me to a new term recently – “pork roasting”. Now, I like to think that I’m fairly up-to-date on sexual language, particularly the descriptive slang, but this was a new one to me. Of course, I pretty much had the idea in mind of what he meant, but in good mom mode, I played dumb and had him explain it to me.
In a threesome including one woman and two men, the act of having the girl perform fellatio on one man, and being penetrated doggy style by the other man. Seems like a relatively common threesome-type sexual position.
In my world, this is more often referred to as an Eiffel Tower (oh, those French!). And I don’t mind admitting (for the umpteenth time), it’s one of my biggest personal fantasies.
The catch with the “pork roast” though, as I discovered later, was that this term is actually less about sexual conquest and experimentation and more about a description of the woman involved. It’s really kind of derogatory. But it gave me a little insight into the sexual mindset of teenagers today. They’re far more sexually open that I ever was (cue the “why, when I was a kid” soundtrack), and far more willing to share among their peer group without the prerequisite commitment to a relationship … or their parents’ idea of sexual exclusivity.
Of course, that’s an assumption based on my own exposure to the culture my own children exist within. I have no doubt somewhere out there, statistics exist to prove me wrong.
What was truly intriguing about the conversation was that, although I have no fondness for the young female in the alleged “pork roast” my son was telling me about – I couldn’t help think back to my days in high school. How many girls had a reputation based on rumour as opposed to fact…
Well, it’s been a long time since I played TMI Tuesday, but this was a fun set of questions. And while sex shouldn’t be all that bad, truth be told, sometimes things just don’t work out as planned … and the results are less than satisfying.
Have you ever had bad sex? Why do you think it was bad?
Before proceeding to the next question, which explains a bit more in detail about the “bad sex” moment I recall best … I can say that MOST of the sex I had with my first boyfriend with whom I had sex, was bad sex. He didn’t get the concept … maybe it was because he was young and inexperienced, or maybe it was just because he was getting bad advice from a bunch of male friends who probably lost their virginity to the barn goat. But it wasn’t good sex. Obviously the relationship didn’t last very long.
Have you ever given bad sex? Why did that happen?
Well, let’s see … I’ve been sexually active since I was 15. I’m now 42. Yep, pretty sure there has been some bad sex in there beyond the answer above. But knowing you’ll want some examples, I’ll offer up this little gem that my husband likes to remind me of – way back when we were dating, we went to his office Christmas party. I had a wee bit too much to drink, and he wanted a little piece of action before bed. I had dressed up all nice and sexy for him, including ditching my panties about halfway through the night, and flirted and teased him like mad … so he was pretty anxious to get laid. Back at his place, things started off pretty good, but I was so drunk I passed out halfway through. He rolled me over and decided this night would be a good night to get some anal. Apparently I was a relatively enthusiastic participant. But I openly admit, it serves me right …
What instantly puts you in a bad mood?
Guilt. Anyone who tried to guilt me into action immediately pisses me off. This includes performing certain sex acts, such as oral or (as above) anal when I’m just not in the mood.
Have you been hurt during a sex? What was the activity? How were you hurt or injured?
Nothing that has left scarring, if that’s what you mean. But, I am a bit of a willing partner when it comes to sexual adventure. One of my dildos – which is truly not meant for a reluctant participant in anal sex to use as a substitute dick while trying to explore the sensation of a threesome – left my backdoor very, very sore and tender for a few days; although it felt amazing at the time. Also, my first introduction to Ben Wa balls left me with a bruised vagina. I haven’t tried them since.
During sex, what instantly turns you off?
The sound of children at the bedroom door …
Bad sex – is there really such a thing?
Yes, sadly there is. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t bubbling and the flames of passion are more like puffs of road dust. When it’s that, you need to call it off and resort to a reliable ol’ friend from the nightstand to get you off.
Bonus: Biting during sex…
- do you like it?
- do you do it?
Neither. I’ve never been a biter, nor am I really into it. Biting leaves marks … I’m too old to explain hickeys and bite marks to inquisitive teenagers in the house.
As I slowly immerse myself back into blogging and trying to breathe some life into this ol’ thing, my mind has been drifting towards the “comfortable go-to” topic of sexual fantasies. I guess part of me believes it’s a subject a lot of you are interested in hearing about – plus, part of me is convinced you’re not that interested in reading about my laundry, dinner-making or Taxi-Mom attributes that truly dominate my life right now.
The other day I revisited the idea of why I think it’s important for couples to share their sexual fantasies. Some ‘experts’ in the field of relationships caution against sharing. They believe that opening up on a subject that is founded solely on imagination can poke the dragon of real jealousy. I tend to disagree, because I like to think that in order for a relationship to reach its full potential, both parties much be willing to be vulnerable – and trusting.
Again, it’s about the communication and understanding of what makes your partner “tick.” In the end, I think you’ll know if your relationship is healthy enough to explore the darkest corners of your partner’s psyche.
Three tactics to get her to share her fantasies
You’ll need to really put some serious thought into this initial tactic – and it doesn’t need to be a secluded table for two in that hoity-toity restaurant you drive by on the way to grab a burger and fries. The idea is the seclusion – but lots of couples can accomplish that at home too. In fact, making a nice meal for her and hiding your cell phone in the cutlery drawer for a whole night may be the kind of connection she’s looking for.
Showing her that you’re serious about listening to her will help her begin to open up. Once a woman has confidence that she won’t be judged for her imagination, she might just make the leap towards letting you inside for a look around. Any hint of jealousy – or worse, mockery – will make her close up even more and chances are you’ll never get the opportunity again.
Time away from real life
An extended long weekend at a resort can be an amazing way to restart those sexual fires. When you remove the reminders of real life – the laundry piles, the dirty dishes – it’s amazing how the mind can be free to explore. There’s been a lot of different studies on how a new environment can fan the flames of sexual excitement – and let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a hot and sweaty fuck in a hotel room every now and then.
Another big part to squirreling her away for a weekend – it puts both of you into a new setting, level ground so to speak. Stepping away from the distractions will help you rediscover the fun and intimacy. Again, just make sure you’re demonstrating a commitment to hearing her – leave the cellular gadgets out of reach and connect on a human level with your partner for 48 hours. You’ll be amazed at how much that can influence what she shares with you.
No, this isn’t a ridiculous suggestion. Let’s be honest, women do carry a big responsibility for the household. That’s not me throwing out gender stereotypes – because I know there are guys who do help around the house – but there are a lot of women out there who feel the need to not only shatter the glass ceiling in the corporate world, but make sure it’s free of smudges and fingerprints at home. For a lot of us in a certain generation, we grew up with mothers who were of that first generation mutlitasker career woman/housewife. And we were exposed to the household inbalance, which can be a bit of a struggle to shed.
This one isn’t just meant as a one-off, either. Consistent help, and consistent surprises of discovering those most-hated chores have been done without you being asked to do them will go a long way in helping her put her mind at ease. Which gives her more time to allow her imagination to wander. A stress-free mind can be a delightfully dangerous thing … not to mention, naughty.
And one suggestion – that in my opinion – won’t help…
It’s pretty simple, really. Your fantasy may be to get her to dress up a little more sexy; whereas she is struggling with her own sense of self and body image. You need to have a good understanding of how her imagination fires, and what gets her libido going. What you think is a fairly standard sexual fantasy may be far-removed from what she really desires.
The only way you’ll gain that understanding is by relying on the one tactic that never fails – especially when combined with patience: communication.
There’s always that nagging little voice in the back of a lot of people’s heads that says “you probably shouldn’t…”
I first wrote about this very idea some five years ago … and at a time when it seems my imagination was much more on fire. Ah, how time and life conspire against us to quell the naughtiness. That and a house full of inquisitive teenage boys.
Actually, I don’t think that my opinion on sharing fantasies has changed – and I’m not even sure my own fantasies have changed…much. Maybe some have become tainted with a bit too much reality, but that isn’t to say I’ve given up on them.
More of what I think these days is around the opportunity to share those thoughts and ideas. For me, it’s easy to be more open minded and sexually astute when my libido is high. But when life turns and you struggle to even find brief moments of intimacy in a spinning schedule, it can be a challenge to “feel” the fantasy, never mind talk about it. When your days are murky with work stresses and the routine of raising a family, etc., it’s hard to get in the creative mood.
I think that’s also why things slowed down with this blog…it’s hard to keep the focus on those sexually intriguing aspects of life when your mind is bogged down with the mundane.
So, in a way, it becomes even more important to make the most of the opportunities when they do arise – and keeping the commitment to “life-long, marriage-strong” communication.
Communication is what will keep things on track for when those doors open again. And, by understanding what continues to inspire each others’ imagination is key to keeping the marriage alive during these busy, mind-numbing real-life slumps.
The caution, of course, is in how those fantasies may be interpreted. If life is so busy you can’t connect as a couple, will the other person see you sexual distractions as a sign of infidelity/boredom/need to break away? How do you achieve that balance? That’s a really good question – and I’d love to hear your ideas.
Of course, I’m not the most perfect example of following my own advice. I think if you asked my husband today about my sexual fantasies he would, at least, be able to give Version 1.0. The updates, maybe not so much at the moment.