Category Archives: Relationships
A question that came up quite some time ago that I have been giving some thought to is “Has blogging helped you with your sex life?”
I started my blog a long time ago for two specific reasons: it gave me an outlet to express a side of me I felt I couldn’t do in my offline life, and secondly – bluntly – it also serves as another affiliate to my Southern Charms website. As my site began to build up a bit of a fan base, and I found some comfort in my social media experience, it seemed to be a logical step.
I’ll be honest, at first, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’m not really a writer, I have some interesting thoughts to share but I’m not always the best at putting them down in writing. Thankfully I have a really good editor and writing coach. That said, having him read some of my most intimate thoughts was a huge hurdle for me. My husband and I have a very close and open relationship, but it was still new territory. There were things I still hadn’t share with him.
Exposing your vulnerable side is difficult, even to your soulmate. Trust has been crucial.
Then there was the unknown of opening up to the masses. I was apprehensive about the reality of trolls, the insults, to spammers and digital stalkers. I was well-acquainted to that side of the Internet and it took some learning about how to deal with the keyboard idiots, but the good quickly far outweighed the bad.
Some of what I share is news to him, as much as it is to you. There have been more than a few occasions when letting him read what was going on with me was easier than talking. Again, just because we’re married doesn’t mean we still don’t have our own independence.
I think as we started to talk about what I was writing, both he and I began to discover a new side to our marriage. He was certainly learning a lot about me – which then led to me learning a lot about him. When you have deeper knowledge of another person, your relationship changes – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the bad. Ours was definitely better.
Opening up my sexual fantasies to my husband has led to not only better and hotter sex between us, but it has also led to me having the opportunities to turn some of them into reality. That would have never happened if I didn’t have the courage to expose that vulnerable side – something writing about my thoughts and experiences has helped.
Another aspect of blogging improving my sex life has been just the improvement in my overall comfort with being open. I’ve been able to shed a lot of my hangups. Writing has put me in touch with a part of my imagination that needed an outlet.
Something that comes up every now and then is the subject of sexual fantasies. Over the years, I’ve shared some of mine (let’s be honest, we all have one or six that we’ll just keep to ourselves) and I’ve had plenty of discussions with others about theirs.
The Internet is a marvel for the discovery of all the odds and ends of what floats people’s boats. And if I know anything about sexual fantasies it’s that no matter what you think, no matter what your kink, you are not alone. There’s a real likelihood that someone shares the exact same fantasy.
Let’s be honest, the internet is also a marvel for giving an outlet to the truly bizarre as well – but in it, we find not just an outlet for our imagination, we also find the opportunity for security and understanding.
My sexual fantasies are, for the most part, just what you might expect. They’re somewhat run-of-the-mill; most involve somewhat normal sexual interactions. You won’t have me morphing into some oddity, a giantess or a mythical goddess. Sorry if that’s what you were hoping for, but despite how active and naughty my imagination is … my fantasies remain firm in me being a very normal, sexually curious woman.
Of course, it’s easy to say that I likely fall into a large group of women (and men) who are fired up by the idea of what others may consider as ‘vanilla.’
On the other end of the spectrum, over 17 years of sharing my sexual self online, l have encountered people with very different sexual fantasies. From alien sex abductions to bestiality to body fluids/functions to Greek mythology, people have shared back … and these days, seldom is it something I haven’t yet heard. In the beginning of my internet amateur porn days, some of these ideas – frankly – were alarming. The young naive small town girl in me never imagined that some things would be sexual triggers for others. Now I know different. (Please don’t take that as a challenge … seriously, I’m okay with being the sharer)
Fantasies are healthy, and allow us to play stories in our minds where we are the leading character … where we are in control of the plot, and our desires. There’s lots of research that supports the position that having fantasies is also very normal.
What I have also learned is there are online communities which allow those with less vanilla interests to share and get a sense of their own normality, which I think is also healthy. Having an outlet to share, to communicate and safely explore your sexual fantasies is important not only to a person’s ongoing mental health … but also to the adventure of discovery.
No matter what we might think, we’re not alone in that journey.
This is something that came up quite a long time ago, and I’m not sure there’s any more clarity today than there was back then.
When I first disclosed that I considered myself to be bisexual, I was asked what was the one aspect of my sexuality that I understood the least. A challenging question, because I’m not too sure my thoughts on it are about my sexuality, or just plain psychology. Even then, I’m now at the age where experience and confidence play a much bigger role in defining my sexuality.
Most definitely, something I understood the least was my apprehension to be open about it – and just let myself see where the moment would take me.
At the height of those days of discovery, my curiosity drove me the most. My desire to try new things and uncover a different part of myself far outweighed any fear I had. In my mind I wondered why I had been so reluctant. Of course, the answers were all very logical: I was raised in a staunch Catholic house, in a small town where every sin and indiscretion becomes front page news. I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience…but I did have a very supportive and encouraging husband. His confidence in me and our relationship cleared the way.
These days a lot of that is behind me. The circumstances of my life have changed a great deal of the adventure I set out on 17 years ago. The reality of being a mother, wife and career woman became all-encompassing and the availability to explore diminished. It hasn’t changed who I am, but it has pushed me in a different direction.
Is the least understood thing that I’m not sure I will go back down that path … or is it that I’m still feeling very detached from the woman I was not that long ago?
It’s been a while since I wrote anything about a specific sex act. But then again, I did take an extended break of almost two-plus years on writing blog entries as a whole…
Despite the lack of writing, struggling through a roller coaster ride with my libido, work-related stress and planning for a major life upheaval – not a lot changed in my actual sexual routine. OK, you’re right, there was that eight-month separation from my husband when he moved overseas and I waited on my visa. What did change during that period was my masturbation habits increased dramatically, I had some reunions with my sexual fantasies in my head and rediscovered the thrill of cam-to-cam mutual masturbation.
But other than that …
The reunion with my husband after finding creative ways to keep the fires burning hot while on two sides of the world meant there was definitely some serious catching up on the sexual agenda. Cutting to the chase, that meant two things – lots of intercourse … and oral.
Oral for me has been a long-time delight, both receiving and giving. It was one of the very first sex acts I ever performed, but it wasn’t until I attended a workshop in my mid-20s that it became something of a specialty. I have blogged about that before, but in a nutshell – my radio-personality friend thought one of those “Drive Your Man Wild in Bed” seminars would make for great material, invited me along … she got some fun stuff for her show, I came away truly enlightened and anxious to try. My husband describes it to this day as the best-ever investment he’s ever made (he paid for my ticket to the event so I wouldn’t chicken out).
Blowjobs have been a staple in our sexual relationship – but despite the frequency and ‘willingness’ on my behalf to ‘go down’ – the end result is still somewhat predictable. If I’m not taking him too far, I’m switching up the moment to include intercourse.
So then, someone asked … “do you always swallow, or do you let him cum on your face or tits?”
I wrote about this in the past too – but, you know, talking about sex, blowjobs, stuff like that, is something that I do anyway, so revisiting the whole topic is yet another wonderful distraction in our world gone mad.
Facials – when the man cums on the woman’s face – isn’t something that has been a big part of my personal sexual repetoire. Well, unless you count chin dribbles. And it’s not because of anything deep-rooted in my sexual psyche; it’s actually because I rather like having a man cum in my mouth. You know, I’ve worked that hard to tempt, tease and drive him to the point of no return for his orgasm, I kind of want to enjoy the ‘fruits of my labour’ so to speak.
On occasion, I admit that it can be outrageously exciting to let him unload on me. As a sexual woman, I do find it exciting to watch a man’s moment of release. To see, somewhat up close, his peak moment of pleasure. However, there is some need to be cautious about exactly where some of that lands. Pepper spray is less painful in the eye than cum … just sayin’.
That said, it also took me a while, and a bit of sexual maturity, to arrive at a point in my life where I’ve gotten over the ‘grossness’ of swallowing a man’s cum. For some women, that’s the biggest hurdle in taking a man to completion. I saw the results of a sex survey a while back that said only about nine per cent of women would finish a man off with her mouth … which made a lot of sense to me.
It’s hard to describe the experience of having a man cum in your mouth to someone who has never had the experience. No matter how much warning he gives you, it’s still a surprise when that hot cum spurts onto your tongue, against the back of your mouth … onto your tonsils and back of your throat. If it’s been a while since he’s had an orgasm, that can add a new dimension to fighting the gag reflex! It’s exciting … unique … different every time.
It’s also a little addictive to me. I love the sense of power. Lots of people think a woman giving a blowjob is an act of submission. Trust me, when I have a man in my mouth, hard, horny and anxious for completion … I know who is in control.
A man’s ‘flavour’ is a constantly changing part of the experience too. And each man is different from the next. I can usually tell when my husband has been indulging in certain foods (beers, vegetables and fruits being the most frequent causes of his taste) – and there’s only a smackeral of truth to how some foods will make you taste better, guys. Only a small smackeral; it’s still cum, and it’s still not a gourmet feast.
Something I can say as I explore this world of sex in my 40s … the experience I have gained is making things like this far more interesting than they were in my 20s.
Recently I was reading a bunch of different “relationship” questions in an effort to boost my creative juices for writing on my blog. The one topic that seemed to surface repeatedly was the one of “what makes a relationship successful.”
Now, I can only reflect on this from my own perspective, but I think that having a marriage edging towards its 26th year, and a committed relationship with the same man for almost 30, there may be an idea of two on what that key element is.
For me, the easiest quality required for a successful relationship – sexual or not – is kindness. Without kindness, I personally believe there isn’t a very solid foundation for a relationship to stand on. And in kindness, I also mean mutual respect. It’s a sharing of compassion, consideration and openness without judgement.
Any relationship with longevity also relies on very open and honest communication. You have to recognize that you’re co-existing on a most intimate level when you’re in a long term union. You need to have the ability, vulnerability and confidence to share at a level you don’t in any other relationship in your life. It takes a high degree of courage to invite someone so deeply into your inner thoughts – your hopes, dreams and desires. And, of course, your sexual kinks and quirks.
And that’s a very big part of it for me – having the connection, trust, intimacy – but also the sexual honesty. At some point, you need to invite a partner into what makes you tick; what is that truly turns you on. To get there, you need to be able to communicate on a level that is unique.
In my own relationship, it was those conversations that allowed me to emerge from my small-town naivete and recognize that there was a whole other sexual world to be explored.
But here’s a strange thing about being sexually adventurous when you’re in a marriage (well, at any point really, relationship or not): every adventure has an element of failure. When something goes ‘wrong’ – that fantasy doesn’t work out quite the way you pictured it in your mind – it can be soul-crushing. But when you have a strong connection and can talk about things, you are able to see it in a much different light. It becomes less of a ‘failure to launch’ and more of a ‘OK, we tried. What’s next?’ It’s far easier on the ego when you can communicate about your disappointment / fear / dislike / love for something explored.