Monthly Archives: September 2019
After my last entry on being more comfortable with sex in my 40s, someone asked me if my sexual boundaries had changed – are they looser or firmer? Had my past experiences done anything to shape how I define my sexuality and sense of adventure?
Wishy-washy answer is yes.
Let me take you a bit deeper. I think life experience in general leads to people changing their sexual boundaries. To me, they’ve never been immovable stone walls. As you try new things and discover likes and dislikes, kinks and twists, they move. It’s no different than your taste for food or fashion. “The times, they are a changin'”
As a young woman, newly married and outrageously naive in the ways of the world, my sexual boundaries were pretty clear and straight forward. I had never considered acting on any of my fantasies – or even just talk about them. I had repressed a lot of those ‘thoughts’ because of my staunch Catholic upbringing. The wildest thing I was willing (with great reluctance and internal conflict) to try was a vibrator. And even then, I had never expressed a desire to try one, my boyfriend at the time thought it would be fun.
He was right.
About the only sense of adventure I had back then was posing for pictures. I had already become comfortable in front of the camera from some experience in mainstream (aka non-nude) modelling.
That proved to be the key to Andee’s own Pandoras Box. It was from there that new ideas, experiences and sexual confidence grew. As the photos evolved from teasingly playful to stocking-clad pin-ups to all-out nudes, a naughtier side of me emerged. Of course, it helped that my husband was very open and supportive. He encouraged me to break free from a lot of unhealthy thoughts and discover many new things about myself.
He allowed me to explore without jealousy, listened to my thoughts and helped me shape some my fantasies – and turn some of them into realities.
My sexual boundaries had grown pretty wide during those days.
But life also has this crazy way of putting you in your place. It’s not so much ‘all good things must come to an end’ … It was just that other priorities became top priorities. And when those priorities have been dealt with, time has passed and that hot, slim brunette vixen has evolved into that road-weary soccer mom with grey hair and crows feet.
If anything, the past eight years have pulled those boundaries back in. Somethings just took a back seat – sexual discovery included. And a dose of reality pushed out some of the fantasy.
But, they’re still movable. My challenge now is to see if I can, and just how far can they really go. Some of that involves evaluating what’s important to me now – both sexually and non.
I may just start back at the beginning … with that delightful buzzing sex toy.
I’ve been thinking through something that came up in a more serious conversation not long ago. I was talking with a friend who was struggling with aging and sexuality. More pointedly, we were talking about whether or not some aspects of being a sexual woman in her 40s become easier … do we become more comfortable with ourselves, and some of the expectations put on us.
I’m not certain I’d say ‘more comfortable’ but I would say I have become more confident in knowing what I want, like and am willing to do.
As I shared a few posts ago, I reached a point where all the non-sexual things in my life had grown in to this massive tsunami that wiped out a big part of my libido. My lust for sexual adventure got packed up and stored with the camping gear in the garage. Routine, stress and exhaustion took it’s place.
But life ebbs and flows … and if you can survive the tsunami, you can get to calm waters again.
OK, enough with the water metaphors …
When I was younger and in the middle of all that sexual adventure, the excitement of discovery and the newness of experience pushed aside some of that internal need to ‘be comfortable.’ I wanted to explore, to challenge some of the sexual boundaries in my life and live without regret. They were truly amazing times.
Some of which I’m hoping to rediscover.
But what I do find now, at 45, is that I am more comfortable with setting realistic expectations AND letting some of my fantasies just be fantasies. I don’t feel the same need to fill that sexual bucket list. I’m more OK now with letting life take its path instead of forcing it and ignoring risk.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still risks to be taken – I just see them in a brighter light.
There are lots of things I would say I’m far more comfortable with now. From certain sex acts, to even the notion of introducing another person into our sex life again; my confidence in knowing how things will generally play out is much higher. And that is what makes me more comfortable with sex at this stage in my life.
Understanding is what brings the comfort. The challenge now is to redefine excitement and begin to dig out that sense of adventure all over again.
A question that came up quite some time ago that I have been giving some thought to is “Has blogging helped you with your sex life?”
I started my blog a long time ago for two specific reasons: it gave me an outlet to express a side of me I felt I couldn’t do in my offline life, and secondly – bluntly – it also serves as another affiliate to my Southern Charms website. As my site began to build up a bit of a fan base, and I found some comfort in my social media experience, it seemed to be a logical step.
I’ll be honest, at first, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’m not really a writer, I have some interesting thoughts to share but I’m not always the best at putting them down in writing. Thankfully I have a really good editor and writing coach. That said, having him read some of my most intimate thoughts was a huge hurdle for me. My husband and I have a very close and open relationship, but it was still new territory. There were things I still hadn’t share with him.
Exposing your vulnerable side is difficult, even to your soulmate. Trust has been crucial.
Then there was the unknown of opening up to the masses. I was apprehensive about the reality of trolls, the insults, to spammers and digital stalkers. I was well-acquainted to that side of the Internet and it took some learning about how to deal with the keyboard idiots, but the good quickly far outweighed the bad.
Some of what I share is news to him, as much as it is to you. There have been more than a few occasions when letting him read what was going on with me was easier than talking. Again, just because we’re married doesn’t mean we still don’t have our own independence.
I think as we started to talk about what I was writing, both he and I began to discover a new side to our marriage. He was certainly learning a lot about me – which then led to me learning a lot about him. When you have deeper knowledge of another person, your relationship changes – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the bad. Ours was definitely better.
Opening up my sexual fantasies to my husband has led to not only better and hotter sex between us, but it has also led to me having the opportunities to turn some of them into reality. That would have never happened if I didn’t have the courage to expose that vulnerable side – something writing about my thoughts and experiences has helped.
Another aspect of blogging improving my sex life has been just the improvement in my overall comfort with being open. I’ve been able to shed a lot of my hangups. Writing has put me in touch with a part of my imagination that needed an outlet.
Something that comes up every now and then is the subject of sexual fantasies. Over the years, I’ve shared some of mine (let’s be honest, we all have one or six that we’ll just keep to ourselves) and I’ve had plenty of discussions with others about theirs.
The Internet is a marvel for the discovery of all the odds and ends of what floats people’s boats. And if I know anything about sexual fantasies it’s that no matter what you think, no matter what your kink, you are not alone. There’s a real likelihood that someone shares the exact same fantasy.
Let’s be honest, the internet is also a marvel for giving an outlet to the truly bizarre as well – but in it, we find not just an outlet for our imagination, we also find the opportunity for security and understanding.
My sexual fantasies are, for the most part, just what you might expect. They’re somewhat run-of-the-mill; most involve somewhat normal sexual interactions. You won’t have me morphing into some oddity, a giantess or a mythical goddess. Sorry if that’s what you were hoping for, but despite how active and naughty my imagination is … my fantasies remain firm in me being a very normal, sexually curious woman.
Of course, it’s easy to say that I likely fall into a large group of women (and men) who are fired up by the idea of what others may consider as ‘vanilla.’
On the other end of the spectrum, over 17 years of sharing my sexual self online, l have encountered people with very different sexual fantasies. From alien sex abductions to bestiality to body fluids/functions to Greek mythology, people have shared back … and these days, seldom is it something I haven’t yet heard. In the beginning of my internet amateur porn days, some of these ideas – frankly – were alarming. The young naive small town girl in me never imagined that some things would be sexual triggers for others. Now I know different. (Please don’t take that as a challenge … seriously, I’m okay with being the sharer)
Fantasies are healthy, and allow us to play stories in our minds where we are the leading character … where we are in control of the plot, and our desires. There’s lots of research that supports the position that having fantasies is also very normal.
What I have also learned is there are online communities which allow those with less vanilla interests to share and get a sense of their own normality, which I think is also healthy. Having an outlet to share, to communicate and safely explore your sexual fantasies is important not only to a person’s ongoing mental health … but also to the adventure of discovery.
No matter what we might think, we’re not alone in that journey.
This is something that came up quite a long time ago, and I’m not sure there’s any more clarity today than there was back then.
When I first disclosed that I considered myself to be bisexual, I was asked what was the one aspect of my sexuality that I understood the least. A challenging question, because I’m not too sure my thoughts on it are about my sexuality, or just plain psychology. Even then, I’m now at the age where experience and confidence play a much bigger role in defining my sexuality.
Most definitely, something I understood the least was my apprehension to be open about it – and just let myself see where the moment would take me.
At the height of those days of discovery, my curiosity drove me the most. My desire to try new things and uncover a different part of myself far outweighed any fear I had. In my mind I wondered why I had been so reluctant. Of course, the answers were all very logical: I was raised in a staunch Catholic house, in a small town where every sin and indiscretion becomes front page news. I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience…but I did have a very supportive and encouraging husband. His confidence in me and our relationship cleared the way.
These days a lot of that is behind me. The circumstances of my life have changed a great deal of the adventure I set out on 17 years ago. The reality of being a mother, wife and career woman became all-encompassing and the availability to explore diminished. It hasn’t changed who I am, but it has pushed me in a different direction.
Is the least understood thing that I’m not sure I will go back down that path … or is it that I’m still feeling very detached from the woman I was not that long ago?