Monthly Archives: February 2013
A few days ago, one of my online friends wrote a blog about sexual bullying. And some of the points he made hit home with me about how some people find themselves in sexual situations – kinks and fetishes – when they are not ideas that necessarily appeal to them.
Like so many other ideas that swirl around in my often over-active imagination, I struggled to come to terms with how I personally felt on this subject. Today, in Canada, was a national awareness day on bullying. A lot of schools are hosting “pink day” to draw attention to the issue and holding assemblies to address the issue.
As a mother of a son who endured several years of bullying in the school system, I kind of scoff at things like this. Often they really just serve to magnify the issue – especially when the bullies generally aren’t the ones wearing pink, and the ones being bullied are now an even more visible target. Plus, having survived the experience with my child, I can tell you that it’s also not just the kids who are the bullies. Teachers and administrators quite easily step into the role.
But that wasn’t really where we were going. Jon’s commentary focused more on the sexual element of bullying at the adult level.
I think there is more depth to the idea of sexual bullying than just agreeing to be involved in a scenario, role-play or kink to satisfy the request/demand of a lover. While there are people in committed relationships “going along” with various requests to maintain harmony in the relationship, society also works against their ability to speak out.
Sexual bullying, quite frankly, exists within the confines of “normal” society.
It’s not only the sexual harassment of others or the violence of rape and assault – although those are the most graphic examples of sexual bullying. But even in the subtleties of like what I was saying about yesterday over how some women with sincere bisexual curiosities are afraid to come out, the pressures in our culture conspire to alienate us for our sexual desires, lest we be “weird.”
My friend Jon wrote about how “Talk shows trot fetishists out to get desired gasps and nervous tittering all the time. Even documentary or reality shows about sexual communities usually present a “look at the freaks” portrayal. It is no wonder that most people do not want to come out with their sexual identities—they are bullied by the world at large not to.”
I also see it when popular magazines continue to perpetuate the idea of sexual bullying with the advice spewed out in columns by Carrie Bradshaw wannabes – “How to Please Your Man” and “Why You Don’t Have An Orgasm” – force us into believing we have serious character flaws and are less than adequate when it comes to the bedroom. The offer up advice that tells us how we should behave if we want to keep that guy happy, what we are expected to do any time he asks; and if we don’t, heaven help our miserable soul.
It’s the same message as to why our closet should only house Laboutin stilettos and Lacroix LBDs in Size 0 … because if you don’t have that perfect little outfit you can whip out on any given Friday, you’re just not “sexy.”
Too often these ridiculous pontifications suggest that it is our responsibility to give in, forget our own needs and get down on our knees and just swallow, damn it. And if you suck at sucking, you better make sure you can distract your man with your collection of hot and seductive lingerie.
Sexual exploration is meant to be a path to discovering what it is that gets us off; not what we should be doing to get them off. It’s one thing to offer up a “surprise” every now and then by slipping into some risqué lingerie that takes you way out of your comfort zone – but it’s another to endure continual “expectations” without any consideration for your willingness and emotional needs.
When you find a partner willing to meet you on the same path, accept compromise and offer encouragement you realize the “advice” has been all wrong. Frankly, sex isn’t supposed to be about the other person; it’s best when it’s about an incredible union.
I read a comment the other day that left me a little perplexed. It wasn’t so much that I was disagreeing, but that I was struggling to comprehend why an expert in sexual health would be so flippant about it.
The “blog” by this so-called sex psychologist was suggesting that bisexuality today is being worn by young women as a bit of a merit badge. It wasn’t so much about sexual discovery or experimentation as it was about using suggestive bisexuality as a means to attract attention from boys. In other words, she was questioning if bisexuality today was simply a trend, stating that it is more commonplace today for women to hook-up with other women to gain approval from potential male suitors.
Her point was how more young women today – the under 30 set in particular – were not really interesting in maintaining a sexual relationship with another woman, they just use it as a method of manipulation in the mating dance with men.
I struggled to counter the idea; because I actually believe there are a number of young women out there who play in that sexual grey area. But at the same time, I felt like this particular author was admonishing truly bi-curious women for having the courage to: a) be open to discovering a sexual identity, and b) explore their sexual desires.
Is it true that some women will play the “lesbian” role just to tease and torment men? Absolutely … and some of them see it as no different as picking out a pair of sky-high heels to go dancing in. It’s a visual and sexual stimulant for the guys who will lavish attention upon them. Unfortunately those women, whose stiletto heel height often exceeds their IQ, tend to be the ones who create this kind of societal misinformation.
On the guy’s side, mainstream porn in the modern area has also served them no justice – they expect these little blonde bimbos in size 0 napkins to put on a hot show on the dance floor; as much as they expect a smooth wax job between the thighs if they are ever successful in getting the little ‘punkin’ naked. Their understanding of sexuality is twisted by what they can access so readily, as opposed to the wonderful path of self-discovery.
I spent several years keeping my bisexual fantasies locked away in the deep recesses of my imagination, mostly because I was too afraid to bring them up with anyone. A chance moment involving an equally curious co-worker, a hotel hot tub and more than a few drinks gave me the bravery to drop a hint. Lucky for me, that was all it took to kick the door wide open to greater discoveries.
But then, my interest wasn’t so I could sexually torment some guy into lusting madly for me and opening his wallet to fulfill my gold-digging dreams. No, I was already in a stable marriage and beginning to feel comfortable with my curiosity without having any stigma attached. That said, it is still something that remains very much in the closet in the majority of my daily life – few people know about it and I intend to keep it that way. I’m not about to fly any rainbow coloured flags on Pride Day because there are still many in our society who look upon confused hetrosexuality with contempt and disgust.
I would like to think we are finally seeing some acceptance in society of women being allowed to openly explore their sexuality without being labeled a slut, whore or any other derogatory name that is so often applied. But at the same time, I’m not sure we benefit from sexual psychologists suggesting this is nothing more than a trend.
I always enjoy sharing my thoughts with you, and even though I have been suffering from blogger’s block lately, little questions like today’s TMI Tuesday make it easier to get my mind into that sexual space where the best ideas tend to hang out.
This week, we are sharing our information “Fill in the blanks” style.
1. I’m the type of person that likes to be ENTERTAINED in bed.
I initially considered saying “sweaty,” which is also something I like to be in bed … but only during sex. Being entertained in bed can mean a number of different things. First off, from a sexual perspective, I love having sex that has a creative element to it, whether physical or mental – the sharing of naughty ideas and fantasies in the heat of passion. Secondly, and let’s be honest, not everyone have sex every time they are in bed … so, I like to be entertained by reading. Reading is one of my biggest passions, and my bed allows me the peace and privacy I need to let my imagination absorb the ideas on the pages.
2. If the sexiest person I know propositioned me for sex, I would WILLING AGREE.
I’m a sexual being … I love sex, love exploring new sexual experiences and would dive right in to the opportunity. But, there would need to be some conditions. While I think my husband is the sexiest person I really know, that answer would bore you. You want to know about someone outside of my marriage, and that would be agreeable, and my husband would definitely want to be there to watch and perhaps hold the camera.
3. The worst part about BEING ALONE when I am naked is THE COST OF BATTERIES.
Um, this was tougher than I first thought; especially with the first blank required to make the sentence grammatically correct. Anyway, some fun for the answer, because when I am alone and feeling horny, I tend to lie back and enjoy my fantasies while my trusted little vibrator massages me into blissful orgasm. I dread to think how much I have spent on batteries over the years – I probably should have bought shares in the company.
4. I regret my first TIME.
Well, let’s be honest, most of us do to a certain extent. I was inexperienced, far too young (in my mind) and really wished I had waited.
5. The last sexual/kinky thing I expected to like was ANAL SEX.
I have said several times before, had I not met my husband, I doubt I would have explored and discovered so many incredible things sexually. He has been a wonderful partner and encourager of my sexual adventure and always allowed me to experiment and dabble with a number of kinky ideas. I never would have imagined that anal sex would be something that I enjoy, but as it turned out, given the right state of mind, the right amount of lube and the right position – bazinga!
6. Recently, I FLASHED someone.
Well … not THAT kind of flash … but certainly a little “can you see I’m wearing stockings to work today as I let the hem of my dress inch up just a little bit under the table in the lunch room” kind of naughty tease. I know he saw, the expression on his face gave him away. Chalk another naughty office distraction victory up to yours truly. Other than that, I can’t say I’m really much of a “get the girls out” kind of girl. I can count on one hand the number of times I have actually done that … and none of them have been very recent.
BONUS: You have been kidnapped by lesbians and dragged into a lesbian orgy, what are you going to do?
Well, the expression is “when in Rome …” so I would have to think when you find yourself immersed in the delightful sexual debauchery of a lesbian orgy, you must get yourself naked and plunge in head (and tongue) first.
Valentine’s Day may be for lovers but every day is for sexy, imaginative, fun, kinky people. Keeping your sex life exciting means switching it up a bit, and getting creative. One way to do that is to bring your fantasies to life with role-playing.
1. To spice things up in the bedroom, how adventurous are you willing to be? (select one)
a. I have never role-played before and will need a lot of instruction.
b. I have tested the waters, but never acted out anything scripted.
c. I have got my feet wet and want more!
d. Dive in head first – nothing is too deep.
Given my circumstance in life – and the fact of being in a long-term marriage – I would say I fall somewhere in between b) and c). We have done the dress-up for sex, and the occasional “let’s pretend” thing; a lot of times for my website. But I think I would enjoy the idea of bringing someone else into the fantasy of Andee and exploring a night of sexual debauchery as a threesome. Or even explore the opportunity to have them do some work with me for my website – which always has me playing the role of Andee.
2. What scenario peaks your interest most? Why?
a. Romantic and sensual
b. Playful and fun
c. Kinky! I want it all.
Again, not really a definitive answer for me, as I like both b) and c) as choices. Sex is meant to be fun and playful; and at the same time, I find myself getting more and more intrigued with the idea of adding some kink to that playfulness. I wouldn’t say I’m all BDSM, whips and chains – but enough intrigue to make it interesting.
3. Which of these is closest to your ideal setting for a fantasy?
a. A brothel
b. A dungeon
c. A bedroom
d. A prison cell
As boring as this may come across, I still prefer the idea of the bedroom for some sexual fun time versus the other options presented. There’s part of me that is just too jaded to accept the Julia Roberts’ Pretty Woman idea of prostitution … and as previously mentioned, full-on BDSM isn’t completely appealing to me – I like the idea of a little soft bondage play, but nothing that involves stocks or St. Andrew’s crosses.
A prison cell would just depend completely on who is locked up with me … and I have my doubts Jennifer Aniston would ever have a cellmate.
4. Which of the following toys would be prominently featured in your fantasy? (select one)
a. Feathers and whipped cream
b. Handcuffs, panty hose, and a necktie
c. Whips and chains
d. Ice cubes and a cold beer
I’ll go with b), but mostly because I know how much you guys like hosiery.
5. It is time to take your sexy self to fantasy island, which fantasy will you bring to life to rock your lover’s world?
a. The Sassy Sexy Jersey Whore – Gaudy, Flashy, Showy…totally Jersey!
b. Kinky Cook – It’s all about the spice! Heating things up in the kitchen.
c. Naughty Maid – Your feather duster will tickle more than just the dust on the shelves.
d. Doctor Love – Saving lives and breaking hearts but not before you administer a head-to-toe physical examination.
e. Frisky Fireman – A hose so long you can put out several of the hottest fires and leave a smoldering heap as proof of a job well done.
If I am doing this for my lover, I think his interest would be in the Naughty Maid scenario …
But if this is for me, I want the firemen to come and put out my fire with their long hoses.
BONUS: Tell us about your craziest or wildest role-playing adventure.
Hmm … well, just about as predictable as you might think from me, but my craziest role-playing adventure has been the one that I have been doing for the past decade with my online persona of Andee. While she tends to be this really sexy, confident and adventurous woman, the person behind her tends to be shy, quirky and not always as sexy as you might like to believe.
As you all have figured out by now, orgasms are very important to me as part of my sexual adventure – and that I have no issue in using whatever methods necessary to enhance the experience for me. Fortunately, I also have a partner who loves the idea that I am comfortable in using sex toys to bring about that pleasure.
I found this great infographic on sexcigarsbooze.com about the female orgasm. I hope you like it: