No More Laughter Allowed

I saw this topic in a Reddit thread a few days ago. I didn’t want to comment in that post, mostly because once you do, you kind of become a bit of a target for a lot of the nonsense and abuse that happens on social media – especially when you disagree with the majority.

The question was posed from a woman who was asking others for their thoughts on a work-related situation. Her issue was that, as a woman in a male dominated department, she encountered some challenging reactions when she tried to joke around with her male coworkers. She explained that when she tried to participate with humour in their banter, the mood would turn serious, and her male coworkers would shift their demeanor to a more serious tone.

For me, I can kind of relate to her situation … but also can’t.

I’ve written many times over, both on here and on my Twitter feed, that I used to enjoy a very sexually charged, flirtatious atmosphere with my male coworkers – my Office Guys – a number of years ago. I have come to accept and understand just how unique that situation was, and I won’t lie, there are many days when I miss it terribly.

But …

In today’s hyper-woke, hyper-sensitive, hyper-offended culture, I feel for men in their relationships with non-sexual partners (i.e., female coworkers). As a society, I feel we have lost our collective sense of humour – and our common sense. We have moved from a society where humour was accepted and acknowledged to one where people are invested completely in finding opportunities to be offended. We have traded our ability to separate banter from harassment, and embraced defense and offense instead of laughter.

I have always been a relatively flirtatious woman. I like men, I like having fun with men, I like laughing with men. I also know the difference between teasing and honest misogyny. I have the ability to match pun for pun, wit with wit … and use my tongue with razor-sharp effect to cut deep when it’s needed. I have my husband to thank for that – a man who loves the female species sometimes a bit too much, but has helped me learn to be in control of who I am, and that inside of everyone there is the ability to be the ice-cold killer and the polar ice-cap melting vixen.

And while I know there are limits, boundaries and barriers – I have been blessed with a career that has allowed me to be more in control of my relationship to those over having to deal with others who have sought to “put me in my place” because of my gender. I’m smart enough to also know that there are many women who have not had that in their lives – and some women have needed far more intervention than should have been necessary.

All that said, I hold hope that most men are decent humans; that jokes and off-colour humour are meant to bring out laughter rather than expose flaws in their character. I’ve actually only met a very few men who hold head-shaking beliefs about women…and even fewer when challenged over their attitude.

I think that a lot of workplaces in this modern era – the so-called #metoo culture – have put men … decent men … in a precarious position. They have been pushed, out of fear over career-killing reprisals, into an environment of “don’t go there….look her in the eye, don’t make her laugh and for God’s sake don’t compliment her new haircut.” Good men … decent men … have been painted with the same brush the hyper-woke used on the likes of Weinstein and his ilk. And it’s this that has killed the banter, the fun and the old-school camaraderie in workplaces.

And that’s sad. It’s unfair, and it’s sad.

Me, I miss laughter and banter in the workplace. I miss compliments and innuendo about my new dress/skirt/heels/etc.

But, what would I know … as, oh, so many on social media – men and women – have pointed out, I’m just a pathetic, cheap, cheating whore selling herself to men on the Internet because I have no self-respect.

To which I say, “I thought that was you who signed up for a year’s membership…”

Andee     xoxo

 

TMI Tuesday | Memorable Moments

“Memorable sex is not necessarily amazing sex, though amazing sex is certainly memorable.”

I haven’t been the best at keeping up with the TMI Tuesday lately, but the past few months have been wild and crazy for me – and sadly not in a way that will make my answers to this week’s entry all that much more exciting.

1. Tell us your top 3 memorable and/or amazing sexual experiences thus far in 2014.

1. My first orgasm of the year.
2. My first time having intercourse of the year.
3. Making my husband tell me his secret fantasy about his coworker

2. What made the encounters memorable/amazing?

For questions 1 and 2, it makes more sense once you understand that in December 2013 I had a fairly serious operation that certainly changed a substantial part of what makes me a woman. Being laid up for six weeks, and then having another two added on before intercourse was allowed made for a very frustrating start to 2014. And when I felt good enough to try to coax an orgasm out with the aid of my favourite battery-operated boyfriend (external manipulation only), it was very nerve-wracking. I had already endured a major change in the quality and initiation of my orgasms after childbirth, so I was terrified of another change in my ability to have them.

It took a great deal of getting used to; and I suppose I still am 10 months later.

As for my husband’s confession … there is nothing hotter than tormenting a man, taking him to the absolute brink of the point of no return and making him share his naughtiest thoughts. My husband has a particular coworker who I have known for some time that he has a bit of an affection for. One night, fairly recently actually, I made him tell me in graphic detail about her, and what he thinks she would be like sexually. I LOVE hearing his fantasies.

3. What is memorable and amazing about you?

Oh boy … a vanity question. Um … this is what guys tell me, not so much what I believe:

First thing is my eyes. Deep, dark brown; guys always compliment me and tell me how sexy my eyes are. I’ll take it.

Second thing are my legs. Again, I tend to think I’m too short to have sexy legs, but they certainly seem to come up in conversation from my website pics and Twitter. Once again, I’ll take it.

Third thing – and this is truly my one sliver of sexual vanity – my oral sex talents. I’ve willingly accepted that this is something I excel at, mostly because I actually took a course in how to give them. But also because it’s something that I think both the guy and myself can enjoy in the heat of the moment; and shared sexual experiences that border on amazing … it’s a given that they are good things.

BONUS: Which of the things listed below should be infectious?

a. smiles
b. wealth
c. laughter
d. good health

Wealth is too fickle, and has far too many interpretations. For me, c) and d) are the two things that should be infectious.

Andee     xoxo

Five Reasons Flirting Is Fading

Without question, I like to flirt. And I don’t discriminate; men, women, white, black, blue, green. I’m a people person and if I find a way to have a connection with someone who intrigues that part of my psyche, I’m game for a little flirtatious interaction. And I think if you have paid any attention along the way the past four years that I have been blogging and Twittering, you’ll know flirting is something I take very seriously.

Sadly, I’m also learning these days that flirting – even when done really well – is a dying art.

1. Political Correctness is Killing Our Fun

I hazard to say that anyone working in a professional environment in North America can attest that workplace political correctness and over-bearing human resources policies have driven a huge wooden stake right through the heart of gender relations. Men and women are no longer allowed to play the Mars and Venus game, they are required to fall in line with some policy that says Marcie in accounting can’t be ogled by Bill in sales, even if Bill wasn’t actually ogling. We have policied ourselves into some level of social numbness where the only appropriate non-work related question can be able the lunch menu (if you dare).

Yes, sexual harassment is a real issue, but corporate policies are designed for mass implementation as opposed to identifying and addressing the cause. The challenge behind this is that it has created a huge scare, in which people are afraid to be anything but robotic little lemmings instead of individuals with unique interests, desires and senses of humour. The only safe conversation is “How was your weekend?” … and even can be sketchy at times. Oh, and Lord, don’t even mention your favourite NFL team if they happen to be from Washington, Kansas City or heaven-forbid, Green Bay (’cause all you know ‘packers’ has a suggestive meaning in some gay circles).

2. Technology Taints

A girl I work with – a single mom in her 40s – is back on the dating scene after her husband left her for some piece of fluff half her age. She’s learning that in this modern age, actual verbal communication falls low on the list of how it works. She’s also learning that the … um … sexual component of the dating game involves texting, sexting and selfies BEFORE an actual date has even taken place. I must say, we all did have a chuckle at the less than impressive penis shot her latest “date” sent her; this after only one brief encounter at a local coffee shop during her lunch hour.

What ever happened to the mystery?

Add to that, I just read an article today that says couples who meet online (dating sites, etc.) are less likely to get married and more likely to break up. I can only wonder if it’s because penis pics are becoming the norm … guys?

3. Conversation is Caput

Directly linked to the reason above, the two genders in our culture no longer seem to have the ability to talk to each other anymore. I see it constantly, especially with the younger adults. We’re connected to our gadgets. Sure, we can text 100 words per minute with just our thumbs, but we have no clue how to actually talk to someone of the opposite sex over a casual cup of coffee, never mind start up a flirtatious conversation ripe with barely-veiled sexual innuendo.

And even beyond the casual conversation that may occur between non-sexual relationships, we appear to have lost the ability – or maybe just the courage – to communicate with each other face-to-face.

4. Uber Feminism is Uber Annoying

I’m a feminist, an equalitist (made that one up) and a staunch believer in fairness all around. But I’m also woman and feminine enough to politely acknowledge a man who opens a door for me. I’m woman and girly enough to blush when a man (other than my husband) gives me a compliment on my hair/outfit/shoes/appropriate body part/etc. Some days I’ll even take the compliment on the inappropriate body part. I’m also woman enough to feel a little tingle between my thighs when I attract the attention of a man other than my husband, thus causing a slight distraction and/or dirty thought to pop into his head. In fact, I’m disappointed when I intentionally set out with that in mind and seemingly fail.

What I’m not is someone who is so fearful of my gender identity that I feel the need to treat men (and women) with suspicion and hostility just because they want to be nice to me. I’m not afraid of men, nor am I jealous and possessive to the point where my own husband is afraid of me.

We have forgotten how to be kind to each other and the anger between the sexes has created a battlefield where no one remembers how to act with dignity, grace and sincere flattery. We’ve forgotten that we’re supposed to have a polite level of sexual tension between us – that’s what leads to the preservation of the species through procreation.

5. Immediate Gratification

Our modern culture is focused strictly on satisfaction NOW. No one wants to wait; no one wants to invest some time and work towards a long-term reward. Flirting done well is an investment in the other person. It’s something that builds and forms a new layer in a relationship between two people. It’s not a cat-calling come-on, but a finely tuned conversation that allows the level of innuendo and humour to build naturally. Not done well it usually results in the other person thinking you’re just a horny creep.

Andee     xoxo

How To Deal With Sexual Guilt

You might think someone like me – or the me you think you know from the Internet – might not struggle with the idea of sexual guilt. It’s a dark subject, to say the least, and one that is difficult to properly discuss. Sexual guilt is the unexpected element of turning a fantasy into reality, of experimentation even when you have full disclosure and permission … of indulging in activities that society judges harshly. There are many different levels, along with many different angles of judgement.

In my sexual adventure so far there have been a number of circumstances that left me with a sense of guilt over the outcome. I try to avoid using the term “regret” because I truly believe that, at the time when things occurred, it was something that I wanted. But that isn’t to suggest that later on, when a more reasonable and less sexually-charged mindset came about, there wasn’t any apprehension or embarrassment over my actions.

But the one thing I have learned about sexual guilt is that you can’t hide from it forever.

From an emotional perspective, it is one of the psychological states that if left unaddressed will fester into something that affects the positive aspects of your life. So when the subject of dealing with the fallout from intimate encounters that didn’t go exactly as planned came up, I found myself reliving those moments of my own soul-searching for ways to cope.

And so, by request, I dug into the recesses of my somewhat twisted – and certainly not scientifically approved – consciousness for some insight. These might be seen as somewhat unrealistic approaches for everyone and every situation – but when it comes to coping with feelings of sexual second thought, you’ll soon know what method works best for you.

TALK IT OUT

The obvious approach might be to address it in a face-to-face situation. I’m not sure why – given how “advanced” we like to consider ourselves in these modern times – we seem to be afraid to talk to each other. And so this might seem like an unusual tactic for many couples.

My husband and I have found that the best time for these kinds of discussions is in bed, after we’ve enjoyed a round of sweaty mattress dancing. We’ve connected on an intimate level, and the pent-up sexual urge has been resolved. Those moments when we feel especially connected are usually ideal for a more balanced conversation about what went down, where we’re going next … and the ramifications of why we are feeling sexual guilt.

Of course, this always goes better when the sexual guilt is attached to something we have mutual knowledge of … probably not the time to spring any surprises.

WRITE IT OUT

My blog, and random nonsense on Twitter, are huge outlets for the thoughts, stresses, desires and mistakes I make in life. The freedom to express those feelings by writing helps guide me in expressing myself … and frankly adds a slight buffer before I need to confront reality. The words on here can be shared with my husband before I need to come face-to-face with whatever misgiving or development has occurred. And the best thing is they can also be edited in order to ensure that the right things get said in the right way.

Writing it out also allows you to put the key facts out there right away, avoiding any emotional confusion should a conversation get off-track.

WAIT IT OUT

I’ve seen how being compulsive can be damaging to people’s relationships. I’m not an advocate for keeping secrets, but some things may require a little “water under the bridge” time before they should be introduced into conversation.

This is one of the toughest approaches to dealing with sexual guilt, if you ask me … because all of that bottled up can be unhealthy. But timing is everything, from comedy to marriage preservation. You’ll know what I mean when you hear something funny that is both humour and irony.

BLEED IT OUT

I don’t mean literally. While this isn’t something I practice often, I tend to combine it with the wait it out strategy by slowly letting small truths be exposed. From there, the reality builds in bits and pieces like chapters in a book – as long as you have the courage and commitment to arriving at the point of complete disclosure.

The best example I have for this is based around the relationship I have with my Office Guy. I know it’s been a while since you heard about him, but that’s best saved for a future blog. I can’t recommend that everyone try to create a “friend with benefits” relationship with a co-worker, but I learned from my experience in doing so that you can ease someone into the idea by slowly releasing more of the truth as opposed to blurting it out. Bit by bit, I introduced my husband to the realities of what was going on between my friend and I … and note, that I said “my husband.” I never kept any of the developments from him; I just chose to move slower with telling him the truth of events that occurred in creating the relationship with my friend.

In the end, it all worked out – and I realize that I was very lucky it did. But my guilt would have been so much more had I chosen to not be honest and truthful; I just had to build up to full disclosure.

THROW IT OUT

In my blog about launching your own sexual adventure, I touched on the idea of not carrying other people’s emotional baggage.

This was a very difficult reality for me in working through my own sexual guilt. It can be very challenging to accept that some people bring a lot of their own guilt – or baggage – into sexual situations. You can’t own theirs as well as your own. You need to let them be their own remorse Sherpa.

Above anything else, don’t take this as gospel. My thoughts are just those silly notions that spin occasionally out of control between my ears. I just chose to share them with anyone who cares to stop by and enjoy me with a cup of coffee in hand.

Truly, I’m no expert … just a sexually engaged married woman with a desire to explore as much as like can offer, while not having any regrets for the things I want.

Andee     xoxo

Trying Not To Look Too Slutty

It has been a while since I dug into my collection of questions from people I have encountered on here and some of the other online avenues of my life; and with the sun starting to actually melt the frozen tundra that is my neighbourhood I thought it would be a good time to put some specific answers out there.

This one came from one of my Twitterfollowers a few weeks ago and has kind of sat in my mind – and archive – for a bit.

When you get dressed up, do you pay attention to whether you look ‘too slutty’?

Outside of the fun that happens with me online, there are kind of two realities at work for me as to why this isn’t really an issue: my personal struggle with fashion and my offline environment not being truly conducive to being that way.

I have said before that a tremendous amount of my personal style belongs to the fashion sense of my husband. He is a very unique man who could spend hours – and hundreds of dollars – taking me shopping. Almost all the outfits you see when I post pics on my blog and Twitter are the result of him taking the time to pick something out for me (with the exception of some lingerie and boots, which I have been ‘spoiled’ in receiving from a couple male friends). Without that guidance, I would easily opt for the most comfortable and practical style … and certainly not have the ability to tease, flirt and torment as much as I do!

Some of the women I work with, quite literally, ask if they can take him shopping with them after they discover that a certain outfit was something he picked out, etc.

In those moments when I feel like pushing the envelope a little, my decisions are completely based on being a distraction – but not so much that it would impact my professional reputation. I aim for the “sexy” most of all.

Secondary to that, my day-to-day life is rooted in a very conservative work environment. I occasionally push the limits a little with some shorter hems and by wearing my friends’ lingerie underneath, but for the most part I can’t get away with too much. Heck, we even have a policy for heel height – which rules out all those impossible sky-high stilettos you guys love on us.

And, my day-to-day-not-at-work life is rooted in playing taxi driver to a couple of exceptionally busy young men. I’m sure I could get away with being a little sexier in my outfits for those nights when I’m just a spectator to their activities – and likely not get any complaints from the Dads in attendance – but it’s not always practical to be wearing a miniskirt and heels to a hockey game.

But, having said that, every now and then, the opportunity arises for me to go out on a hot date with my husband and not dress so “Momish.” Again, I get an awful lot of advice and requests from him … and occasionally I will relent and slip into something just so we can cut the night short and get home early (if you know what I mean).

Even then, my husband’s fashion sense isn’t about trying to make me look “slutty” as much as it is about trying to help me feel confident, stylish and sexy.

In all honesty, the only times I have ever felt close to ‘slutty’ are a couple of occasions when we went to a lifestyle club – but my initial concerns over my own outfit were soon dispelled by what I saw other women almost wearing. And in that kind of setting, their sluttier seems to be the better!

I think there is a need to understand what “too slutty” can mean. With some people, they think that a woman should stop wearing certain styles when they reach a certain age. But others think that when a woman reaches a certain age, she should dress how she wants because she has the confidence in her sexuality to let all those societal conventions disappear.

I think there is a difference between what may be acceptable in our society and what might be a bit much, but at the end of the day, if a woman has the confidence to carry her sense of style off, then who are we to pass judgment?

Andee     xoxo