Monthly Archives: March 2014
You might think someone like me – or the me you think you know from the Internet – might not struggle with the idea of sexual guilt. It’s a dark subject, to say the least, and one that is difficult to properly discuss. Sexual guilt is the unexpected element of turning a fantasy into reality, of experimentation even when you have full disclosure and permission … of indulging in activities that society judges harshly. There are many different levels, along with many different angles of judgement.
In my sexual adventure so far there have been a number of circumstances that left me with a sense of guilt over the outcome. I try to avoid using the term “regret” because I truly believe that, at the time when things occurred, it was something that I wanted. But that isn’t to suggest that later on, when a more reasonable and less sexually-charged mindset came about, there wasn’t any apprehension or embarrassment over my actions.
But the one thing I have learned about sexual guilt is that you can’t hide from it forever.
From an emotional perspective, it is one of the psychological states that if left unaddressed will fester into something that affects the positive aspects of your life. So when the subject of dealing with the fallout from intimate encounters that didn’t go exactly as planned came up, I found myself reliving those moments of my own soul-searching for ways to cope.
And so, by request, I dug into the recesses of my somewhat twisted – and certainly not scientifically approved – consciousness for some insight. These might be seen as somewhat unrealistic approaches for everyone and every situation – but when it comes to coping with feelings of sexual second thought, you’ll soon know what method works best for you.
TALK IT OUT
The obvious approach might be to address it in a face-to-face situation. I’m not sure why – given how “advanced” we like to consider ourselves in these modern times – we seem to be afraid to talk to each other. And so this might seem like an unusual tactic for many couples.
My husband and I have found that the best time for these kinds of discussions is in bed, after we’ve enjoyed a round of sweaty mattress dancing. We’ve connected on an intimate level, and the pent-up sexual urge has been resolved. Those moments when we feel especially connected are usually ideal for a more balanced conversation about what went down, where we’re going next … and the ramifications of why we are feeling sexual guilt.
Of course, this always goes better when the sexual guilt is attached to something we have mutual knowledge of … probably not the time to spring any surprises.
WRITE IT OUT
My blog, and random nonsense on Twitter, are huge outlets for the thoughts, stresses, desires and mistakes I make in life. The freedom to express those feelings by writing helps guide me in expressing myself … and frankly adds a slight buffer before I need to confront reality. The words on here can be shared with my husband before I need to come face-to-face with whatever misgiving or development has occurred. And the best thing is they can also be edited in order to ensure that the right things get said in the right way.
Writing it out also allows you to put the key facts out there right away, avoiding any emotional confusion should a conversation get off-track.
WAIT IT OUT
I’ve seen how being compulsive can be damaging to people’s relationships. I’m not an advocate for keeping secrets, but some things may require a little “water under the bridge” time before they should be introduced into conversation.
This is one of the toughest approaches to dealing with sexual guilt, if you ask me … because all of that bottled up can be unhealthy. But timing is everything, from comedy to marriage preservation. You’ll know what I mean when you hear something funny that is both humour and irony.
BLEED IT OUT
I don’t mean literally. While this isn’t something I practice often, I tend to combine it with the wait it out strategy by slowly letting small truths be exposed. From there, the reality builds in bits and pieces like chapters in a book – as long as you have the courage and commitment to arriving at the point of complete disclosure.
The best example I have for this is based around the relationship I have with my Office Guy. I know it’s been a while since you heard about him, but that’s best saved for a future blog. I can’t recommend that everyone try to create a “friend with benefits” relationship with a co-worker, but I learned from my experience in doing so that you can ease someone into the idea by slowly releasing more of the truth as opposed to blurting it out. Bit by bit, I introduced my husband to the realities of what was going on between my friend and I … and note, that I said “my husband.” I never kept any of the developments from him; I just chose to move slower with telling him the truth of events that occurred in creating the relationship with my friend.
In the end, it all worked out – and I realize that I was very lucky it did. But my guilt would have been so much more had I chosen to not be honest and truthful; I just had to build up to full disclosure.
THROW IT OUT
In my blog about launching your own sexual adventure, I touched on the idea of not carrying other people’s emotional baggage.
This was a very difficult reality for me in working through my own sexual guilt. It can be very challenging to accept that some people bring a lot of their own guilt – or baggage – into sexual situations. You can’t own theirs as well as your own. You need to let them be their own remorse Sherpa.
Above anything else, don’t take this as gospel. My thoughts are just those silly notions that spin occasionally out of control between my ears. I just chose to share them with anyone who cares to stop by and enjoy me with a cup of coffee in hand.
Truly, I’m no expert … just a sexually engaged married woman with a desire to explore as much as like can offer, while not having any regrets for the things I want.
A few weeks ago I posted a statistic on my Twitter about how 12 per cent of men admit to masturbating while driving. It was just one of those intriguing stats that tend to spark some curiosity in my mind. It’s not something I have witnessed, in my own experience, but have heard since from guys that have indulged in a little stick shift manipulation.
Naturally, the question came back about how many women have…um…popped the clutch? I wasn’t able to find an answer, however I did find lots of blogs, forums and comments asking the same thing. And a lot of fun answers from women who have. The second part of the question following my tweet was – do I fall into the category?
I think I have mentioned it before in something I wrote, but yes, I have revved my engine on occasion.
OK, I’ll put the brakes on the bad automotive puns and accelerate to the point.
You know what, guys? We’re not that much different from you when it comes to some of the racier things about self gratification. There are times when we’re just as incredibly horny and need to find a release. I doubt that you would ever get an admission, but remember back in high school, when you had that untimely erection in class? Yeah, there were times when we got as equally turned on … we just had an easier time of disguising it.
So, when it comes to trying something in the heat of the moment … a masturbatory road show … I’m willing to bet that there’s an equal amount of women out there who have dabbled with some passing lane diddling.
Personally, I had to think about the last time I did it from the driver’s seat. I have entertained my husband a few times with some passenger seat orgasms, but truly solo, it took a moment to reflect. The one occasion I distinctly remember was at a time when I was feeling especially horny and adventurous. I mean, one of those periods when you have that turned-on sense that lasts for weeks, not just a momentary “hey, this might be fun to try.”
In was the midst of one of those late summer weeks when my husband had been mercilessly tormenting me, both at home and on my cell phone with highly sexualized flirtation. He had worked diligently to ensure my mind was distracted in hopes that there might be a fleeting encounter with my Office Guy at work. I had dressed for the occasion, openly admitting now that I was more than just game for this kind of fun.
My commute was always unpredictable. Sometimes I could cruise along, other times it was snail’s pace. But no matter what fate awaited on the highway, it was always busy – so self-gratification wasn’t always an easy distraction.
This day, however, I recall feeling much braver than most. I was wearing a particular dress that I always feel very sexy in, and my mind was willing to be a million miles away from the daily grind. About halfway along, I found myself caught up in one those rolling flirting games. I had passed a transport truck and the driver noticed, from his angle, the exposed flesh of my thighs – because the hem of my dress was up a little higher, innocently at the time. He honked, and smiled … I smiled back. A few kilometers up the road, we found ourselves side by side again. I glanced, he smiled and I’m pretty sure was rather pleased with the view – of which I had just got on.
Jump forward another few kilometers and everyone is slowed down to an almost stand-still. My new road companion drew up beside me, again. This time, he just stayed in place, so he could look into the front seat of my truck and continue to enjoy the view of my legs. I had just received another hot text from my husband, so my libido was on the rise – much like the heat of the day.
So, feeling a sense of bravery, and really not having much else to do while waiting for the traffic to move, I adjusted the hem of my dress so it was pretty much exposing my panties completely. Using the hand I didn’t need for the steering wheel, I slipped my fingers under the leg band and began to gently massage myself towards even more wetness than I already was.
Fortunately, none of that caused another accident, and when traffic cleared, I pulled ahead and left my poor road voyeur with nothing but the fond memory of seeing my fingers slipping into my panties and working myself into a lather.
I finished the job later on, at a more opportune time to bring about some sexual relief … and waited a very long time before ever telling my husband about it!
What do you want? That statement was the door-opener I needed – my husband and I needed – to start my sexual adventure. And while the past couple years things have slowed considerably in the pursuit of new discoveries, it all began with such a simple question.
When people ask me about how it all started, it’s hard for me to give them the salacious answer they want to hear. They think my adventure must surely have its roots in some drunken weekend orgy, or raunchy road trip. The truth is; it all began with a conversation.
Our marriage had already seen some dark days early on. But, unlike many of our peers who simply gave up on their relationships and divorced, we did the almost unthinkable – we invested in it, opened our hearts and minds, exposed ourselves to an unbelievable level of vulnerability and refused to quit on each other. These days it’s unheard of … our parents still just call it “marriage.”
In those days of working on our relationship and defining who we were in our marriage, we began to do something else that seems unheard of for our generation – we began to talk to each other. And not just about what to make for dinner, but about all the crazy things that swirled around between our ears. Our friends began to shun us because of it … not quite, but that sounded fun.
No, in truth, we found each other again … and at a much deeper level than we ever imagined our marriage taking us.
If you read this far without bailing, then you must either have some time on your hands, or are actually interested in my purely unscientific approach to planning an adventure. Here is probably the most basic premise of what you need to know – very few people remember “second.” Who got to the North Pole second? Or finished second in NASCAR’s second race last year? (No, I don’t need the answers.)
Why, on earth, would you want to wait for your partner to make the first move? Are you waiting for permission to bring the subject up? Are you hoping your fortune cookie on Friday will say something that will lead to an in-depth conversation about swinging?
I get that there are some real issues around being afraid; but this is about your sexual desires and how you want to include the person you adore (hopefully) in the pursuit of turning those fantasies into realities. Speak first … ask yourself, at this stage in life, when do you ever have the chance to feel fear that won’t result in death? Don’t hesitate, make a move, speak first and break the ice.
Do my fantasies include a weekend without clothes in the company of Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum? Damn right they do. But my sexual adventure doesn’t, because I know that is just not a realistic opportunity.
The early stages of any good adventure are designed to help the crew get their sea legs, feel the gentle swell of the waters closer to shore and gradually come to terms with the greater challenges that could be just over the horizon. A sexual adventure isn’t any different. Small steps that build the excitement and teach the libido when to turn on are necessary.
On top of discovering what it is you want from your adventure, it’s also important to recognize – as mentioned above – just how realistic will it be to pull off. I’ve learned, for example, that despite my bisexual curiosities I can’t expect every hot woman that I encounter in life is going to be a) interested on the same level; and, b) that open-minded.
There are ways to solve those early curiosities without destroying your personal reputation … take advantage and set out of the harbour slowly, as opposed to attack speed.
When it comes to setting out on a sexual adventure, you need to be truthful to all parties involved. Don’t lie to your husband/wife/partner, don’t lie to the object of your sexual desires and don’t lie to yourself. If there was ever a time when you needed to be 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, truthful, this is it. You do not want to pretend that a foursome with your husband’s golf buddies are what get you off the tee, only to have him produce said golf buddies and their big drivers to you as a 35th birthday present.
More importantly, you need to be truthful with yourself. I’m lucky in my marriage, most of my fantasies are the ones that take priority – and that he shares my thoughts on them. An adventure is about discovering things, experimenting and pushing forward. That doesn’t mean being “pushed” along a path you know is wrong.
In the sexual world there is a very important motto: Fantasy is better than reality. In the fantasy, things are perfect – the men are rock hard, the women are wet and uninhibited … the husband willingly holds the camera. The reality is, you can spend two years in a swirling, lustful, delightful, spouse-approved state of sexual torment with a co-worker, but the day you get to live out the fantasy, the pressure and reality of the moment stomp all over the fantasy and you find yourself awkwardly trying to make it work.
Men have been programmed all their lives to believe that being in a state of sexual excitement around another man is wrong, and those psychological issues will surface at the least opportune time.
Be open about your desires with everyone, be open about your intentions – and be open to having reality not equal the fantasy. But don’t let that stop the fun. Just be open to being sexually innovative.
Porn is porn is porn … none of the sex is intended to be remotely realistic or rewarding, and a sexual adventure – unless it involves making a porn movie – should not mimic what you watch on your computer. You need to be prepared on both a physical and emotional level.
I don’t think a lot of people consider the true emotional element. Sex can be fun, but it can also be emotionally exhausting – the fear/excitement, the heat and passion … the remorse and awkwardness afterwards.
Physically is easy – shower, shave, brush teeth. Bring lube and condoms … bring an open mind and a sexual enthusiasm of a teenager.
Emotionally is where you’re about to get hammered. Unless you are already a highly-seasoned swinger, you’re going to confront a range of emotions. The excitement, fear, apprehension, lust, giddiness are all good and easy to work through. What can be a struggle are the aftershocks, the post-sex remorse and guilt – and realization that you can’t go back. Be prepared to own it.
As much as you need to be prepared for the emotional aftermath on both a good and bad level, you need to recognize that it’s not up to you to be the Sherpa in the expedition. Let those who own the baggage, carry the baggage. It’s alright to have some emotional attachment to those you have invited into your sex life – such as sexual chemistry. Be wary of anything greater.
My fantasies to realities experiences won’t shake the foundation for most people, but I like to think at least I’ve taken great strides in creating a relationship with my husband that is hot, exciting and sexually rewarding.
So there you go … a very lengthy, completely unscientific perspective on how to have a sexual adventure of your own. If you got this far, fantastic … if you didn’t, you’re expedition may end up being just as short as your attention span – and that’s scary when you’re dabbling with the idea of sharing yourself sexually.
If there is one consistent reaction that my borrowed statistics within my random Tweets produce it’s the question from guys on how to get their wife/girlfriend to do something sexually specific. Whether it’s dress up in lingerie, give oral sex, use a vibrator or jump in bed with a third person, the “how do I” is rooted in trying to encourage the person they love to be more adventurous.
In reality, I don’t have the perfect answer to those questions, other than to recommend a tremendous amount of communication. No matter what secret girl knowledge I dish to you, there is no possible way for me to get your wife to agree to a swinging-from-the-chandelier threesome with you and her best friend. Nor can I talk her into swallowing.
As I started to put my thoughts together on this, I discovered a great quote I had saved that might be the best place to begin:
“Giving voice to your deepest desires is essential to sexual health.”
When it comes to turning up the heat in the bedroom, after the “honeymoon” stage of sex together has morphed into the “it’s Tuesday night” routine, the key to success isn’t found in lingerie shops and sex toy orders online. Material enhancements won’t produce miracles – sure, some produce incredible toe-curling orgasms – but they don’t serve as the launching point for change.
Grab a pen, write this down … this is the real secret girl knowledge for just about everything when it comes to sex and your partner:
That’s it; the four-letter word that most couples see as more filthy than describing female body parts or expletives for intercourse. Talking is the secret to turning your deepest desires into reality. And if you can’t get her to open up about hers, start the conversation by sharing yours (but make sure the desires you share are the ones that directly include her).
On the back of the piece of paper you wrote “talk,” jot down these extra notes.
The biggest reason women don’t participate in an adventurous sexual lifestyle isn’t because they don’t enjoy sex (some, but definitely not all); the biggest reason is fear. We’re highly emotional creatures and fear comes easy to us – fear of being judged, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being criticized, and fear of not living up to your expectations when it comes to sexual fulfilment.
Think of the pressures we, as women, face when it comes to adventurous sex. When you suggest something new, our instinct is to wonder where you came up with that idea. Was it in porn? I can’t compete with some porn chick who enjoys having 12 men take her up the ass all in one go. Exaggerated, but you get the point. Or maybe you’re cheating on us and your mistress does that?
No one said we were going to be rational thinkers.
Add to that, the general societal pressures we must overcome – from those age-old idioms about “good girls don’t do that” through to the fear of being less than perfect physically.
And embarrassment. What if my performance is less than perfect? Will we have disappointed you? How is this going to affect our future together? “Oh god, I’m no good at this!”
So you see, the only logical path to fulfilling some of your deepest desires is going to come through talking, sharing and constant re-assurance. Getting frustrated because we don’t agree right away won’t help the situation, so you better come prepared with a massive dose of sexual patience.
And let’s be honest, we also have some deep desires – some of which don’t include you. If we sense even a sliver of potential for jealousy, you’ll never even know that we’re game for a threesome with our best friend … and you’ll especially never find out that our real best friend in adulthood isn’t the girlfriend we’ve had since kindergarten; no, these days our best friend (other than you) is that guy at work with whom we share all of our deepest desires because he’s invested his time in stroking our ego, propping our confidence, pouring on compliments about our new dress/shoes/hairstyle and patiently waiting for his window of opportunity.
“In the past, a fantasy woman may have been the young, single secretary; now she’s the middle-aged mother of three with a graduate degree.”
Naturally, I’m all for this … being a married mother of two with sound post-secondary education, a career and a penchant for getting naked on the Internet.
I’m sure there are many people out there who still have lustful fantasies about the young, single secretary; and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I do believe that the reality of a “fantasy woman” has evolved in our culture, which made it easier for me to come to terms with a lot of what I do. It has also educated me on the amazing span of what men (and women) find attractive.
In a way, you can thank the American Pie franchise for underscoring the pop culture awareness evolution of sexual attraction to women who would never stand the chance of gracing the pages of Playboy. And while the movies edged the term “MILF” into modern language, they also – perhaps in an unintended way – validated the reality many of us already knew: you can be sexy and desirable after 30…and 40…and 50…and…
Combined with the ease of immersing ourselves into a sexual world on the Internet – and the freedom it allows us for expressing our sexual side, it’s no wonder that the stereotype of the buxom young thing in a miniskirt has evolved. The Internet brings a realness to our fantasies – men can now access thousands of sexually explicit options instead of the limited naughtiness the pre-Internet culture had. In past it was dirty magazines under the mattress featuring Hugh Hefner’s version of the girl-next-door; today, if you’re lucky, you can literally see the girl-next-door online.
More of us – the women you see at the grocery store, the hockey rink/soccer field, chaperoning school field trips – are somehow “allowed” to be part of the bigger male fantasy these days. We bring something different than the airbrushed magazine porn many guys grew up with.
And frankly, there are a lot of us who relish that opportunity; that want to help take the male fantasy into a more realistic direction. Although even after 12 years of trying to create that fantasy for many of you I still feel awkward about it, there’s a big part of me that takes delight in knowing some of you find me desirable in that way. I set out to be a small part of my husband’s fantasy, and gained a legion of like-minded men that make it easy for me to continue those pursuits online.
It took me a while to learn how to embrace my sexuality – from both a personal and public aspect. It’s always comforting to know it appreciated.