Category Archives: Lust
For almost as long as I’ve been writing for you, and doing my little social media thing, I’ve advocated the importance of communication in relationships. I’ve encouraged anyone who follows me on here to work on improving how they talk to their partner, and what to talk about. Hopefully it’s helped; and I love hearing/reading/seeing the questions that still find their way to me.
How do you feel about fantasies that involve someone other than your partner?
Well, if you look back at most of what I’ve shared about my sexual fantasies, you’ll see that pretty much all of my fantasies involve someone other than my husband. From my journal-type entries here through to my erotica collections, there’s not an awful lot about my husband.
Does that mean I don’t fantasize about him? Not at all. I do … a lot. But my fantasies that are strictly about my husband are kind of boring in comparison to some of the others. Well, at least maybe boring for you. Those fantasies are probably closer to daydreams, fond memories of recent sexual moments or distracted thoughts to beat back the mundane part of the day.
What may stand out as different from other women though, is that I’m very open with him about my fantasies that don’t include him. He knows about all those naughty thoughts that go through my mind, in very intimate detail. More times than not, sharing those fantasies with him has benefited me in some rather orgasmic ways.
The reality is, all of us have fantasies that involve other people. Some may be just simple passing thoughts on the subway or at the office when we see someone attractive, others may be incredibly more complex. I have both kinds.
The difficult part is being vulnerable enough with your partner to share your fantasies – and to have a relationship based on trust and love. We’ve worked hard to create a marriage where we can talk to each other and expose our deepest, sometimes darkest, thoughts without judging.
As a “people person” I’m intrigued by others. I love to watch people, I love to use my imagination … and I love to let my imagination cross boundaries quite a bit. Because, after all, it is just my imagination. It’s not real action, infidelity or … these days … a swinging lifestyle.
In my opinion, having fantasies about other people is very normal.
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Do you ever see someone – a perfect stranger – and wonder what they would be like as a lover, as a partner … as a one-night stand?
There’s this guy I see most mornings on my drive into work. He stands at the end of his driveway with his young kids waiting with them for their school bus. As much as I can tell as I drive by, he’s a handsome man – and obviously a pretty good father. He dresses somewhat casually, and appears to be fairly fit.
But you know, sometimes my mind takes these little turns and thoughts pop into my head that aren’t exactly vanilla. Here’s this guy, who I know absolutely nothing about as a person, other than in the mornings he is out in all kinds of weather with his kids, waiting. So my mind wanders; what does he do after the bus leaves? Does he work at home? Where’s the kids’ mom? Is she inside all dressed up in naughty lingerie waiting for a morning session of sweaty sex?
Or, maybe, he’s alone. Maybe he wishes there was someone waiting back in the bedroom, dressed in naughty lingerie. Maybe his wife is so wrapped up in her own career now that she’s basically left him to be Mr. Mom.
What would happen if I just pulled into the driveway one day as the school bus passed me?
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with a friend since I posted a question on Twitter about husbands watching their wives engaging in sex with other men. I had an idea in mind and was interested to see how others felt about the same subject. It wasn’t meant to be a question that exposes any personal issues, but something I hoped to be thought-provoking.
One of the perspectives that arose was that of how there appears to be a complex duality between being someone with “baggage” and someone who yearns for the freedom of no-strings sexual exploration.
Personally, I think when it comes to the relationship between sex and our society, there has to be the reality of people having a dual personality. Our culture has extreme difficulty with accepting we’re a sexual species. We’ll forgive some of the most heinous crimes against each other, but heaven forbid you want to pursue a sexual kink that deviates from the narrow path of judgement.
Anyone who has dabbled/explored/plunged-right-in recognizes that certain aspects of their sexual interests are taboo. And not just those moments involving a man with a goat, someone playing the trumpet and three rooster feathers. Little is judged more harshly outside of the courtroom than a person’s sexual interests … and dare I say, not even “a person’s” but pointedly “a woman’s.”
When a man shares his sexual conquests among his peers/co-workers/cell mates, more times than not he is revered for his ability to “close the deal” or “score.” A man with a numerous notches on his bedpost is viewed as a “skilled lover” whereas a woman with same track record is viewed as “a slut” and someone who “gets around, if you know what I mean.”
With these kind of societal judgements, is it any wonder that sexual exploration in our so-called liberal-minded age requires an almost alter-ego.
In one of my responses to my friend, I try to explain why my own experience with the spouse-sharing was a special moment, not one built of a need to eliminate the fear of infidelity in our relationship – not even really one of great kink.
Life Is Too Short
There are some rather unsexy things about why we are the way we are. It’s a lot of clichés about living life, no regrets, no looking back. You know, we tried things here and there, failed in most, succeeded in a couple. But our life together is certainly one that is unique from many couples. We worked very hard to shed hang-ups and jealousies so we could experience everything that came our way; and we want to do that together.
As strange as it may sound, it’s an affirmation of trust and intimacy in my marriage. It’s my husband saying to me ‘you don’t ever need to cheat, or be tempted or feel guilty with your attraction to another man.’ He’s provided me with an almost once-in-a-lifetime moment that allows me to experience something that has been absent from my life for 25 years – all those raw, sexual sensations that you feel in the early days of a sexual relationship; the chance to wash away the wonder of never experiencing a new person in that kind of way again, almost a way of reliving those moments of sexual experimentation with a new person; freedom from sexual secrets.
What does he get out of it? So, I asked … again. From what he tells me, he gets to see me in one of the sexiest moments he could imagine. He gets deep personal satisfaction from knowing he has given his wife something she has secretly desired, but has always been ‘afraid’ to ask. Not because of the commitment to a marriage, but because he knows from a woman’s side, it’s extremely selfish (I don’t agree).
His motivation? “Part deep burning sexual love and a selfish indulgence to see his wife as other men may see her from her secret life as Andee.” He said there was no sacrifice when he saw how unbelievably excited, scared, turned-on and nervous I was. The experience had little to do with the other man, in his opinion, even though the man is my friend. The idea, the focus, the desire and the attention were all about me at that time.
I don’t know if women feel “revolutionary” about participating in such a setting. I would hope they would recognize that sometimes sexual discover and the freedom that such an opportunity provides is something that should strengthen the marriage. I doubt many relationships can ever reach that ‘nirvana.’
I have said many times before that he has introduced me to an entirely new world of sexuality and sexual exploration that I likely would have never experienced without him. He is a rare breed. I regret absolutely nothing about my choice to be loyal to him from that time, missing out of the college experience of parties and hooking up. Part of what he says about this is him recognizing that I could have had more sexual fun when I was young – so why not now while we still can and have a lifetime of broader sexual knowledge and skill?
Any friend I have ever confided in about our experiences over the past 12 years or so is usually gobsmacked at first, and then insanely jealous of me. It is very difficult to explain that my husband’s true kink is allowing me the freedom to explore sexually – as long as he gets to be there as well.
But don’t be side-tracked by that. This is not a willy-nilly, every weekend kind of thing. My heart and soul belong to this marriage 100%; I just have this strange little freedom allowed to me should I ever find the opportunity I want to be more than a simple imaginary distraction. I’m not jumping the UPS guy because I like his brown shorts; but I do – and can with certain conditions – enjoy a sexual moment with someone who intrigues me that deeply.
In our life together we have known many, many couples who have divorced. We’ve lost very dear friends to illness and accidents. We look at our life together and made an even bigger commitment to each other to ‘live’ … not to be a passenger, not to die with our last words being ‘what if.’ I think we have an unbelievable strong emotional commitment to each other – one that recognizes there can, or may, be strange little side trips. It means we don’t ever need to fear sexual temptation, or secretly cheat.
At times like this, you are sharing on the rawest, most vulnerable level. To open yourself up to that degree – and emerge from that unscathed is the most liberating, soul-building experience you could ever imagine. It’s like riding the wildest, fastest, tallest, looping roller-coaster in the world – but without the screaming and puking. Let’s be honest, at this stage in life, when can you do things for the first time that scare the hell out of you?
And, by the way, most times when you explain to someone who may think “oh yeah, let’s get naked” that we will be doing so while my husband is right there … let’s say it’s more effective than a polar bear dip on New Year’s Day to most men. So there is a level of flaccid attrition.
Sex can be just “sex.” It is difficult to separate the emotional attachment from the act, but not impossible. Hence, the duality of the situation.
Hey there! I know not everyone could join in last Friday for my first-ever Twitter chat, so I have archived the questions for those who wanted to catch up with what people asked me, and some of the answers I gave. I think I’ll definitely do this again, probably in the fall, so that should give you lots of time to come up with some intriguing questions to throw my way.
To help add a bit of context to some of my answers – especially since Twitter only lets you use 140 characters, I’ve included some links to previous thoughts and ideas on some of the topics that came up. Hope you enjoy!
Something that never fails to turn me on? Kissing. A hot, lots of tongue, passionate kiss always hits me between the thighs
Do you have a favorite part of foreplay?
Foreplay favourite? Toughie…either the build up with oral #sex, or when a man uses his long, probing fingers in/on me
Foreplay and engaging the mind is a huge key in great sex…the imagination is your greatest sex toy @StayGoldJersey
What’s your favorite position?
Favourite position? Hands down, I am a doggystyle sex girl. Love, love, love getting it from behind and bent over.
Have you ever dated someone famous?
Famous boyfriends? Not really, although hubby’s former job was very public and he was/is somewhat well-known
If you divorced, would you consider marriage again?
Re-marry? Don’t think I would…but I’d definitely be enjoying singlehood and exploring the idea of friends with benefits
Is there anything you’d change about your looks with plastic surgery if you could afford it?
Plastic surgery? Only thing I’d consider would be having the girls done…not bigger, but put back to the way they used to be
@AndeeSC2 Please don’t let them mess with your nipples. Biggest mistake by women is to let the surgeon cut into them.
I’m doubtful I would ever have the girls done anyway…better things to invest my money in right now @StayGoldJersey
What is the kinkiest thing you have done with yourself?
Kinky self-fun? Nothing outrageous, but I have an affection for long-neck wine bottles and the vibration of a Dyson vacuum
Do you ever wake up your hubby with oral sex?
Oral sex wake up? I have in the past…not a frequent occasion; I prefer things like waking him up with a BJ to be unique
Like least about porn: the fear and reality of having to tell my children someday when the find out @pleasure_spot
What do you like most about doing amateur porn?
Like most about doing porn: the sexual discovery, the adventure and spice it has brought to my marriage (and the attention) @pleasure_spot
Was it your idea to start doing porn, or hubby’s?
Idea to start porn? My husband first brought up the idea, on a dare…I lost, pics posted, started to like the results/attention @pleasure_spot
@AndeeSC2 I never would have guessed you got into this on a dare. Did you already have exhibitionist tendencies?
@pleasure_spot I’ve always been a bit daring… and comfortable in front of the camera. Things grew from there and I kind of enjoyed it
Does your husband ever get jealous?
Does hubby get jealous? Quite the opposite, he loves showing me off and seeing the attention from my fans @pleasure_spot
Will you and hubby ever try “swinging” again?
Swinging again? He’s game. I’ll never say never, it didn’t work out for us the first time…but I still have many curiosities!
@AndeeSC2 I’ve never partook in the activity but I believe the majority of women would be more into #strange then men.
@StayGoldJersey My experience in swinging has shown me that it tends to be a woman in control atmosphere.
@AndeeSC2 Just like in the street, guys better act right or they’re going home with their hand. #truth
How encouraging is/was your hubby in your website?
Hubby and my site? He’s very much a big partner in the whole crime, and I wouldn’t do it without his support and involvement @pleasure_spot
How often do you and hubby indulge in anal sex
Anal sex? Not very often. Depending on the moment, there is sometimes a bit of play, but not penetration very much. @BIGRICHIE7
How long do you plan on being a Southern Charm?
How much longer a Charm? I have no plans to give up my site yet; enjoying the fun & spice it brings to my marriage. @BIGRICHIE7
Can I name one of my sex toys Big Richie?
Naming my sex toys: I don’t actually have nicknames for any of them other than “Oh, my god that’s huge!” LOL @BIGRICHIE7
Do you enjoy sex outside under the moonlight?
Outdoor sex at night? It’s extremely romantic and I have a few times in the past made love under the moonlight. @BIGRICHIE
Do you enjoy giving massage and tug jobs?
Handjobs isn’t something I’ve been awarded any prizes for…word is I give great oral, so I stick with that talent @StayGoldJersey
Favourite lingerie? Right now, my favourite is in my update 428 – sexy red piece from a friend, great stockings @iankeegan27_ian
What is the most public place you have had sex? Given a blowjob?
Public sex? Hmm…pressed against a hotel window overlooking the Las Vegas strip @StayGoldJersey
It was very erotic for me, knowing that if someone looked up, they would see…Vegas being Vegas 😉 @StayGoldJersey
Public blowjob? Driving on the highway is probably the most public, if you looked into the car. @StayGoldJersey
What position is the easiest for you to achieve an orgasm?
Orgasm position? I’m one of those women that needs help, so missionary with my vibrating toy or an amazing tongue @StayGoldJersey
After your first orgasm, is it easy for you to have multiple orgasms?
Multiple orgasms? Used to be easier before kids…but I’m usually good to get another one or two out with help @StayGoldJersey
Are you a loud, dirty talker during sex?
Loud and dirty? Not really…having kids had calmed the volume…but I enjoy good dirty sexy talk @iankeegan27_ian
How often do you have sex?
How often do I have sex? It varies on what life dishes out. An average would be 7-10 times per month @iankeegan27_ian
Where is your favourite place for a man to cum?
Fav place for cum? Love feeling a man deep inside me, but I also enjoy having him cum in my mouth @iankeegan27_ian
What do you like most about your body?
What do I like most about my body? My eyes always get compliments…my legs…but for porn, whatever draws fans! @iankeegan27_ian
Pantyhose? always found them uncomfy, being short, never fit…hubby introduced me to stockings, which I prefer. @silversurfera1
Never really liked them…being short means they rarely fit properly. Thigh highs and stockings produce better reactions @silversurfera1
Have you had sex with anyone other than your husband since you got married?
Since I have been married, the only thing I have done with anyone else has been #oral #askandee @iankeegan27_ian
Sex with someone else while married? Only women…no guys…but we’re not saying it’s off the table 😉 @StayGoldJersey
I say “not off the table” but the reality is, there has to be chemistry for me. Not looking for just a hookup @StayGoldJersey
Have you ever had sex with a member or fan of your site?
Slept with a fan/member? No, I’m happily married and don’t use my site as a way to hook-up. Some do, just not me. @iankeegan27_ian
Do you ever let your fans take you out?
Dating fans? I tried a “meet me” contest a couple times; didn’t really work out that well…might be geography @iankeegan27_ian
And honestly, I’m not adverse to the idea of meeting fans, but it would have to in the right setting and context @iankeegan27_ian
Guys think that because I have my website that I am easy and looking for sex…which is far from the truth @iankeegan27_ian
@silversurfera1 Some people just have a twisted idea of why some women are OK with doing porn
@AndeeSC2 @iankeegan27_ian I imagine it’s hard for people to understand the “dualism” involved with doing an adult site & your “normal” life
I think you nailed it there… and there is even “dualism” in doing a site, amateur versus professional @silversurfera1
So, setting would be public, chaperoned without question and no guarantee of anything but a friendly conversation @iankeegan27_ian
And there you, the best snippets and questions from my first #askandee Twitter chat. Hope you’ll join me again in the fall for my next one!
Back in 2011, when my blog was located elsewhere on the Internet, I ran a series I called “Sexy Sundays.” It was a summertime collection of some more intimate details of my life; an idea that was voted on by my readers as something they wanted to read more of. When I moved to WordPress, those entries were kind of left in the archives of my hard drive, but I found them and figured they would make for some great updates every now and then. I hope you enjoy them; and as always, feel free to comment or send me some ideas/questions that you would like to see here.
I had this question asked of me a while back, and as I was going through a bunch of things in my e-mails, I discovered it again. The timing is pretty good to get into it, given some of the antics that have gone on in my bedroom the past few days. More of it started when I mentioned in one of my blogs about my online friend Matt, who had sent me some new boots. You may recall I also mentioned that he has sent me some other sexy gifts, including some sexy lingerie and those “darn” stockings and garter-belt that seem to have me totally “trapped” at a whole new perverse stage in this game.
One of the other gifts I received was this delicious toy for the bedroom … nothing crazy that requires a car-battery of hazardous materials labels … just an intriguing rubber toy … that has kind of come back to haunt me a bit; but in a very good way.
Anyway, getting into the details …
“I’ve heard that some women fantasize about the idea of being sexually controlled (in a consensual way, of course). Have you ever been tied up during sex?”
Hmmm…well, at first I though just how much should I reveal about my own little perversions and myself?
I’m a pretty open girl as a lot of you are learning. I’ve dabbled in a few different things and played around and most of you have pretty much been invited into my sex life thanks to my website and blog. And like so many other things, yes I have tried a little light bondage. Nothing painful or kinky mind you…just some nice, sexually teasing bondage. I’ve never been one to really get into the idea of domination – either being dominated or doing the dominating. I might do some photo sets that way, but role-playing isn’t something that is a big part of my libido.
I admit, there’s a strange sensual feeling about being restrained while someone does some very sexual things to you. The biggest part to make sure it’s a turn-on is trust. I trust my husband to do only things that I’m OK with, and that are sexually exciting and not degrading.
This happened shortly after the stockings and garter belt arrived. Maybe you have seen the video I have that happened with the toy, but that wasn’t so much about the bondage at the time as it was about something for you to enjoy … But this time there were no cameras, and I was not really expecting it.
My husband indicated quite bluntly that we were going to have sex … and in a teasing way that I often throw back, said something like “Oh?” Anyway, next thing I know, I am in our bedroom being undressed. Then he put me on a chair he had tucked away from view (so I wouldn’t suspect, I guess) and slipped a blindfold over my eyes. He had obviously thought this through, as he then tied my ankles to the chair legs and may hands behind my back so I was totally at his mercy – and naked.
About this time, I’m getting in the mood. All too often we do the kinky stuff with our mistress in the room (the camera), so a little rough play just for the sake of rough play was welcome!
He started by teasing me with his fingers. I love how he does that; the sensations of the touch … only to be heightened by the fact I am bound and blindfolded. Then, without my expected it, I felt this odd sensation between my thighs … he had pulled out this new dildo from my nightstand and was now using it on me. This continued for a while until he then added my favourite little pocket rocket vibrator to the torment. I can’t describe how sexually exciting and frustrating it is to have someone doing such naughty things to your body, forcing you so close to that magnificent orgasm … and then cruelly backing off.
And during these insane moments, while I am so close to peaking, he’s saying stuff about me, how horny I am, how wet I am, how easy the toy goes in … making me tell him how much it turns me on having some guy I have never met sending me these kind of things, making me admit I use them on my own and fantasize about really dirty things when I am alone … you get the picture.
So obviously, I’m game for some light bondage … but when I get to the begging stage, it’s time to keep the game moving forward and at least let me get partly involved for that incredible moment. It only pays off for the guy in the end!
But I do have to say that it’s really hot to be getting into the whole thing, surrendering myself so that my partner can tie me up. But at the same time, if you need to have faith that your partner is only going to play fair and make it a sexually exciting experience, not frightening or leading to something that was not mutually agreed upon. When you cross that line of trust, then it’s no longer a truly sexual experience.