Category Archives: naughty
I wrote earlier about how, as I got older, my fantasies evolved.
I’m still outrageously turned on by the idea of sex with a stranger. If you’ve read my erotica, you’ll see that this is a common theme throughout; random encounters that have led to incredible moments of sexual discovery. Same with threesomes; the delicious naughtiness of having two playmates in my bed is phenomenal. Of course, writing about such ideas is somewhat easy – but it doesn’t make it any less of a fantasy for me.
As we mature, I think our fantasies do as well. Along with this, our willingness to let them flourish also matures; we become, in a sense, less intimidated by the notion. Our personal psychology has grown, our understanding developed and (hopefully) our fears reduced. It’s still natural to have some anxiety over these naughty thoughts in our imagination, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to put any of it into action.
For me, getting older also meant more freedom to let my imagination run wild. The guilt was gone, and the fear of being open about my thoughts also vanished. My fantasies became much more of an escape – and, as you probably have figured out, a huge part of my online not-so-secret life.
Part of the history of my website, and this blog, is deeply entrenched in my own fantasies: the voyeurism and exhibitionism, the exploration of where it could lead, the interaction with people on somewhat sexual terms. In a way, it touches on a part of me that was repressed for a long time (I grew up in a very Catholic house, so there’s a lot of repression in my life). And while “Andee” has really become this whole other woman so very different from the real me, she is still really me. She is the part of me who explores the fantasies, let’s her mind go crazy when she sees a cute guy, flirts like made with male coworkers and indulges in sexual innuendo. She doesn’t feel guilty, or as afraid; much braver than the real me.
So, what fantasies turn me on these days?
- Threesome sex – absolutely still very high on my list of sexual fantasies I want to turn into a reality. Been close, but just not quite. The idea of involving another man in our bedroom activity absolutely makes me wet.
- ‘Stranger’ sex – as mentioned at the start of today’s entry, this idea frequently pops into my mind when I’m feeling particularly horny. But not just random, nameless sex … my fantasy is complicated and detailed. Read my erotica and you’ll get it.
- Lesbian sex – my bi-sexual/bi-curious leaning drives me crazy sometimes. It’s something I had a small taste of, and I still yearn for the moment when I can sate my appetite for another woman.
That is really the strong trio of what fills my imagination with dirty, dirty thoughts and makes my panties moist when my mind gets a bit too carried away.
After my last entry on being more comfortable with sex in my 40s, someone asked me if my sexual boundaries had changed – are they looser or firmer? Had my past experiences done anything to shape how I define my sexuality and sense of adventure?
Wishy-washy answer is yes.
Let me take you a bit deeper. I think life experience in general leads to people changing their sexual boundaries. To me, they’ve never been immovable stone walls. As you try new things and discover likes and dislikes, kinks and twists, they move. It’s no different than your taste for food or fashion. “The times, they are a changin'”
As a young woman, newly married and outrageously naive in the ways of the world, my sexual boundaries were pretty clear and straight forward. I had never considered acting on any of my fantasies – or even just talk about them. I had repressed a lot of those ‘thoughts’ because of my staunch Catholic upbringing. The wildest thing I was willing (with great reluctance and internal conflict) to try was a vibrator. And even then, I had never expressed a desire to try one, my boyfriend at the time thought it would be fun.
He was right.
About the only sense of adventure I had back then was posing for pictures. I had already become comfortable in front of the camera from some experience in mainstream (aka non-nude) modelling.
That proved to be the key to Andee’s own Pandoras Box. It was from there that new ideas, experiences and sexual confidence grew. As the photos evolved from teasingly playful to stocking-clad pin-ups to all-out nudes, a naughtier side of me emerged. Of course, it helped that my husband was very open and supportive. He encouraged me to break free from a lot of unhealthy thoughts and discover many new things about myself.
He allowed me to explore without jealousy, listened to my thoughts and helped me shape some my fantasies – and turn some of them into realities.
My sexual boundaries had grown pretty wide during those days.
But life also has this crazy way of putting you in your place. It’s not so much ‘all good things must come to an end’ … It was just that other priorities became top priorities. And when those priorities have been dealt with, time has passed and that hot, slim brunette vixen has evolved into that road-weary soccer mom with grey hair and crows feet.
If anything, the past eight years have pulled those boundaries back in. Somethings just took a back seat – sexual discovery included. And a dose of reality pushed out some of the fantasy.
But, they’re still movable. My challenge now is to see if I can, and just how far can they really go. Some of that involves evaluating what’s important to me now – both sexually and non.
I may just start back at the beginning … with that delightful buzzing sex toy.
It’s been a while since I found myself in a position of discovering something new sexually. I think my long break in updating my blog is a pretty accurate clue as to the fact nothing new has been happening on that front.
It’s something I’ve had a number of conversations about over the years – online and in person:
Why sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think …
As sexual beings, we’re driven by our needs for intimacy and intercourse. On a base level, it’s a natural act of procreation … on an emotional level it’s an act of validation and humanity. And while most of us go about our business within the defined societal rules for sexual interaction, there’s always that thought in the back of your mind about pushing the limits. I’m not talking about breaking laws here … or even breaking hearts. But there are those thoughts that drive our desires for discovering something new.
Quite simply, it’s the fear of the unknown.
It doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was a pretty average, monogamous woman content with her marriage and sex life. I came into my relationship with limited sexual experience and no designs on taking it to any outrageous heights. I was a little naïve and I was happy just getting laid.
I’ve said before that if it wasn’t for my husband, I probably would have never tried anything close to what I have in life – and you certainly wouldn’t even be reading about it. I would still be that girl being happy she was getting laid.
Thankfully, and lovingly, he has pushed me to try new things and new experiences. He showed me that there really is an awful lot more in life than just being happy getting laid.
When I first began to embrace the idea of adding a new degree of spark to my marriage, I absolutely had an enormous amount of fear. I was afraid that we may “go too far” and “what if we do something that affects our relationship”. Jealousy, infidelity … talent and ability; all of that crossed my mind in the many conversations we had in the beginning. I really struggled with the idea that we may cross a line that we couldn’t erase.
But I was hooked on the idea. I was hooked on the idea that I could be happy being the girl who was more than just getting laid.
And after finding the momentary bravery – often fuelled by a hint of liquid courage – I immersed myself in those experiences without trying to think ahead. And what I soon discovered was that the fear of even beginning was way bigger than any of the “fallout” after the fact.
In fact, I soon figured out that one of the easiest ways to overcome the doubt was the orgasmic release that resulted from the encounters. The bigger challenge wasn’t living in the moment and enjoying the sexually-charged atmosphere – it was trying to not over-think the experience.
By the time you get to the point where intimacy is going to be a reality, you’ve already made up your mind that there’s enough curiosity, desire and chemistry for something to happen.
As people, I think once we venture into a moment of sensuality, the feelings of intimacy begin to take over. That soft kiss on the thigh begins to draw out a stronger sense of desire, which in turn, takes your mind away from your doubts. By the time you feel the hot breath of a new partner on your body, and tongues and fingers in places only your husband has been … you’ve begun to discover there’s not a lot to be feared.
To discover that you like sex just for the sake of having sex is liberating; to discover you like the taste of another woman and the softness of her kisses erases a lifetime of sexual repression. Of course, it doesn’t mean your love and ability to maintain intimacy with your partner has been replaced. It means you’ve figured out a way to overcome doubt and the human emotions of fear and jealousy. It means you defeated someone else’s standards for how you should experience pleasure.
That’s probably why the realization of sexual discoveries isn’t as big a deal as you think it is. Sex is good, sometimes really, really good … but it’s still sex. Fear and doubt, though, those are much more difficult to embrace. Letting go of feeling like you need to live according to how society dictates you should, that’s monumental.
Sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think, once you get there.
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Do you ever see someone – a perfect stranger – and wonder what they would be like as a lover, as a partner … as a one-night stand?
There’s this guy I see most mornings on my drive into work. He stands at the end of his driveway with his young kids waiting with them for their school bus. As much as I can tell as I drive by, he’s a handsome man – and obviously a pretty good father. He dresses somewhat casually, and appears to be fairly fit.
But you know, sometimes my mind takes these little turns and thoughts pop into my head that aren’t exactly vanilla. Here’s this guy, who I know absolutely nothing about as a person, other than in the mornings he is out in all kinds of weather with his kids, waiting. So my mind wanders; what does he do after the bus leaves? Does he work at home? Where’s the kids’ mom? Is she inside all dressed up in naughty lingerie waiting for a morning session of sweaty sex?
Or, maybe, he’s alone. Maybe he wishes there was someone waiting back in the bedroom, dressed in naughty lingerie. Maybe his wife is so wrapped up in her own career now that she’s basically left him to be Mr. Mom.
What would happen if I just pulled into the driveway one day as the school bus passed me?
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
A burning question that’s been in my inbox for … about five years (I started out on my blog with a lot of really good intentions!): How do I get my shy husband to try something a little wilder with me?
I guess that might depend on your version of “wild.”
I don’t think it’s any secret that a common theme runs through all the stuff I post on here – when you want to do anything, change anything, try anything, stop anything in a sexual relationship, you need to communicate. The only way to keep a relationship healthy is by talking to each other and keeping an open mind – even if it means you’re closing the door on a specific experience.
It’s never easy trying to coax anyone into leaving their comfort zone. My husband has invested 26 years in slowly (and occasionally, quickly) helping me expand and explore my own limits. We’ve tried things I would have never imagined, and some that I never imagined would leave my imagination.
Getting me into this adventure started with a lot of small steps, all of which were great ways to gradually spice up our marriage. We didn’t take a huge leap right into many of the experiences we’ve had, but played them out in our mutual fantasies, often as post-sex conversation … sometimes mid-sex conversation. He was very encouraging for me to open up about my thoughts, and gradually let him in on some of the fantasies I never dreamed I could ever share.
He did a lot of simple things to set that stage – created fun little question and answer games, romantic dinners with a twist. For example, on one birthday, he created a sort of scavenger hunt for me: When I got to my car at work there was a set of envelopes on my seat, numbered. I had to follow each one, in order, before the final destination. He thought of everything to make it easy, a little challenging, but fun as hell. Starting at a lingerie shop for underwear, right through to an outfit and shoes; by the time I met him, I was completely made-up, dressed up and ready for a date.
At Christmas, he put together a “naughty list” stocking for me – which I would open on Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed. It was filled with fun adult gifts and naughty toys, all designed to add a little more sexual excitement to the end of a very stressful month (December is always a toughie).
Along the journey to helping me discover a new sexual side, he encouraged me to let go of the hang-ups I had. I can’t tell you how terrifying it was at first to admit to him about the flirtatious experiences I was enjoying online and at work. There were bumps along the way, more conversations, a bit of back and forth … and it was work. It took effort to not crawl back into my shell and plod along in life never testing the waters again.
Without question, it had to be a challenge for him too. It takes a certain kind of man to shed his own insecurities and let trust take over. I know he struggled at times as well … but he always told me how much more rewarding it was to see his wife developing into an exciting, confident and sexually-engaged woman than it was to remain in a relationship of mundane suburban cohabitation (his words).
My husband gradually introduced ‘new’ things to our relationship as my own comfort level and interest emerged from the depths of my mind. A touch stereotypical, it included lingerie for the bedroom, stiletto heels that would never been seen on me in public, sex toys. We played with the video camera and (pre-digital) the Polaroid camera. All that helped me see, in his eyes, how sexy he thought I was.
It’s amazing how much your sexual confidence grows when you see and hear constant reinforcement from someone you love dearly. Knowing I could be open and vulnerable allowed me to find more of that sexual confidence and my desire to blossom. Once the seal was broken, I wanted even more.
For me, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing from that point on, but more about no longer being afraid to try. I didn’t feel there would be some sort of humiliation or retribution. I had a sense of confidence and freedom to not only participate in some of his ideas for us as a couple, but introduce him to mine. What began as his efforts to get me to be more adventurous turned into a journey we shared.