Category Archives: naughty
A burning question that’s been in my inbox for … about five years (I started out on my blog with a lot of really good intentions!): How do I get my shy husband to try something a little wilder with me?
I guess that might depend on your version of “wild.”
I don’t think it’s any secret that a common theme runs through all the stuff I post on here – when you want to do anything, change anything, try anything, stop anything in a sexual relationship, you need to communicate. The only way to keep a relationship healthy is by talking to each other and keeping an open mind – even if it means you’re closing the door on a specific experience.
It’s never easy trying to coax anyone into leaving their comfort zone. My husband has invested 26 years in slowly (and occasionally, quickly) helping me expand and explore my own limits. We’ve tried things I would have never imagined, and some that I never imagined would leave my imagination.
Getting me into this adventure started with a lot of small steps, all of which were great ways to gradually spice up our marriage. We didn’t take a huge leap right into many of the experiences we’ve had, but played them out in our mutual fantasies, often as post-sex conversation … sometimes mid-sex conversation. He was very encouraging for me to open up about my thoughts, and gradually let him in on some of the fantasies I never dreamed I could ever share.
He did a lot of simple things to set that stage – created fun little question and answer games, romantic dinners with a twist. For example, on one birthday, he created a sort of scavenger hunt for me: When I got to my car at work there was a set of envelopes on my seat, numbered. I had to follow each one, in order, before the final destination. He thought of everything to make it easy, a little challenging, but fun as hell. Starting at a lingerie shop for underwear, right through to an outfit and shoes; by the time I met him, I was completely made-up, dressed up and ready for a date.
At Christmas, he put together a “naughty list” stocking for me – which I would open on Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed. It was filled with fun adult gifts and naughty toys, all designed to add a little more sexual excitement to the end of a very stressful month (December is always a toughie).
Along the journey to helping me discover a new sexual side, he encouraged me to let go of the hang-ups I had. I can’t tell you how terrifying it was at first to admit to him about the flirtatious experiences I was enjoying online and at work. There were bumps along the way, more conversations, a bit of back and forth … and it was work. It took effort to not crawl back into my shell and plod along in life never testing the waters again.
Without question, it had to be a challenge for him too. It takes a certain kind of man to shed his own insecurities and let trust take over. I know he struggled at times as well … but he always told me how much more rewarding it was to see his wife developing into an exciting, confident and sexually-engaged woman than it was to remain in a relationship of mundane suburban cohabitation (his words).
My husband gradually introduced ‘new’ things to our relationship as my own comfort level and interest emerged from the depths of my mind. A touch stereotypical, it included lingerie for the bedroom, stiletto heels that would never been seen on me in public, sex toys. We played with the video camera and (pre-digital) the Polaroid camera. All that helped me see, in his eyes, how sexy he thought I was.
It’s amazing how much your sexual confidence grows when you see and hear constant reinforcement from someone you love dearly. Knowing I could be open and vulnerable allowed me to find more of that sexual confidence and my desire to blossom. Once the seal was broken, I wanted even more.
For me, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing from that point on, but more about no longer being afraid to try. I didn’t feel there would be some sort of humiliation or retribution. I had a sense of confidence and freedom to not only participate in some of his ideas for us as a couple, but introduce him to mine. What began as his efforts to get me to be more adventurous turned into a journey we shared.
I dealt with this question a long time ago, but it still comes up quite a lot still. The reality is, my perspective isn’t about to change much on it for a number of reasons, but…
Have you ever played on web-camera for an audience? Would you ever do web shows as part of your thing online?
I haven’t played on webcam in a very long time; in fact, it’s been almost 12 years with the exception of a couple of rare exceptions.
When I first figured out the whole webcam thing, it was kind of exciting. The idea of connecting with complete strangers over the “safety” of the Internet was exhilarating. It was a huge leap in sexual and technological exploration for me – and a safe way to feel out my exhibitionist side. At first it was flirtatious fun, a little flashing here and there … a bit of watching, a lot of teasing and innuendo.
Absolutely, I found it kind of exciting, and it certainly fueled a lot of my bi-curious side as I would check out the women on cam quite frequently. The site I used to frequent was filled with a wide variety of different chatrooms, and a lot of very sexy people.
But like a lot of things in life, after the novelty wears off, it wasn’t not as much fun. The whole experience began to digress into a bunch of aggressive guys begging to see various parts of my anatomy and behaving quite rudely. I guess, maybe in a very selfish way, I grew tired of the demands to show my tits and ass while some guy stroked his manhood – note I did not say requests. I said “demands“ for a reason.
With some of the guys I had come to know online, and shared both a sexual and intellectual level of chat with, it was exciting and fun. But the guys who assumed right off the bat that if I was online and on camera, that I was automatically some kind of slut or prostitute willing to hike up my skirt on demand, eroded a lot of that fun for me.
Out of frustration with the whole thing, I unplugged my webcam, found other ways to indulge my personal sexual desires and moved on. And so, I haven’t done any webcam stuff for quite some time.
My hubby and I once discussed offering a webcam show option as part of my Southern Charms site – or even maybe dabbling with another webcam site – but to date, nothing has come of it. I’m still not 100 per cent sure I am really a webcam kind of girl anyway … and so, no doubt much to the chagrin of many who continue to ask, I haven’t pursued it.
My friend, Miles, recently shared a fun Internet article with me about female masturbation confessions. It was an amusing piece with women giving examples of when they got caught, strange items and a couple downright creepy moments (such as the girl who got caught by her dad…who simply stood by and cheered her on).
I had a strong sense my friend was, in his own way, probing to see if I have any more of my own “confessions” to make.
I think we all have a sexual curiosity; and there are those moments when we feel adventurously horny. But what would make it a “confession”? I mean, seriously, I’ve written at length about self-pleasure; made movies for you to watch me pleasure myself; and, constantly share research data with you about who else is masturbating and how often.
I’m not sure there’s much left to confess in terms of my own masturbation adventures. There have been a couple unusual objects, public viewings and those old days when I actually had time to share on webcam. My husband has caught me masturbating, my children have interrupted me while I was masturbating … I’ve held conversations on the phone with people while masturbating (and they didn’t know what I was up to). I’ve never been afraid to talk about – or experience – moments of self-pleasure.
However, I didn’t always feel this way. There was a time in my youth when I carried a hint of shame around over the act. Some of that was my Catholic upbringing, and some of it was my level of self-esteem. Masturbation is a hugely private matter, and when you let others in on your secret, you expose your own vulnerability.
Masturbation is also something women just aren’t supposed to do. Society has twisted views on how women are supposed to behave, and the sexual acts they are socially allowed to participate in.
Maybe the one confession I can revisit with you – since I have disclosed about all there is to disclose – is how my morning commute can be more intriguing than just another traffic jam. I still find my mind wandering back to these kind of moments when I am lost in … you know.
One of my former jobs allowed me to dress in a more flirtatious and teasing manner. Every now and then, I would take advantage of lovely warm summer weather and my libido to wear something just a little sexier than usual.
The highway is always busy – with frequent stops, sits and starts. When you have those moments to reflect on the naughty side of life, your mind can take you into some very interesting places. It was also during this period in my life where my relationship with my Office Guy was really beginning to heat up; fueling a lot of my fantasies … and adding reason for wearing certain outfits to work.
The particular morning I’m thinking about I remember feeling much braver than most. I was horny, and life at home – busy as it always is – was leaving me a little unsatisfied. I was wearing a particular dress I always feel very sexy in, and my imagination was drifting to a place directly connected to my temporarily neglected pussy. About halfway through my drive, I got into one of those rolling flirting games. A transport truck had been consistently staying beside me. I figured the driver could see a hint of the exposed flesh of my thighs – the hem of my dress was up high enough to give him a teasing glimpse. At first, it was an innocent coincidence. The guy honked, gave a little wave and smiled at me … I smiled back. A few kilometers up the road, we found ourselves stopped side by side. I glanced, he smiled and I’m pretty sure was enjoying the view.
This flirting carried on until we reached a point where everyone had come to a stand-still. The truck came up beside me, again, and just stayed in place…I could only assume so he could look into the front seat of my truck and continue to enjoy the view of my legs. As the game had been going on, I had also been sexting with my husband (I use voice-to-text, so don’t judge me) and he had sent me some pretty steamy messages. Teasing with both men had my libido on the rise and my panties wet.
Feeling brave and not having much else to do while waiting for the traffic to move, I pulled up the hem of my dress so it revealed my panties. Without looking over at the guy next to me, I slipped my fingers under the leg band and began to gently massage my very warm pussy.
I kept playing, pretty much losing myself in the moment until traffic cleared. I pulled ahead and left my poor road voyeur with nothing but the memory of seeing my fingers buried between my thighs, working myself into a sexual lather.
Later in the day, I found a private moment to provide some sexual relief … and waited a very long time before ever telling my husband about how while he was sending me naughty texts I was masturbating for a trucker next to me on the highway.
Hookups — brief uncommitted sexual encounters between individuals who are not romantic partners or dating each other.
“Hookups have emerged from more general social shifts taking place during the last century. Hookups began to become more frequent in the 1920s, with the upsurge of automobiles and novel entertainment, such as movie theaters. Instead of courting at home under a parent’s watchful eye, young adults left the home and were able to explore their sexuality more freely.
By the 1960s, young adults became even more sexually liberated, with the rise of feminism, widespread availability of birth control and growth of sex-integrated college party events. Today, sexual behavior outside of traditional committed romantic pair-bonds has become increasingly typical and socially acceptable (Bogle, 2007, 2008).” — Source
This is, quite easily, one of the more difficult TMI Tuesdays for me. Having been in a committed relationship now for almost 25 years, there isn’t a vast amount of “hook-up” dishing to be had. However, the idea captivates my attention because of the very nature of it – the pure sexual freedom and no emotional attachment. There’s a lot of potential in that.
There is a great debate somewhere in all of this – people of my generation and older may see these encounters as the old “one-night stand.” Whereas, as mentioned above, today’s youth may very well see these “sex for sex sake” encounters as normal behaviour.
1. When was your last hook-up?
So, here is where we will begin with my own twist on the concept. I can’t say that my encounter is a hook-up in the truest of senses, mainly because it was carefully planned, my husband was present for the entire encounter … and the only outcome was the exchange of oral sex.
But that wonderful encounter took place in March 2012
2. Briefly describe the hook-up?
I had invested about three years of really committed flirting and teasing of the guy before making the leap. It’s described in great detail in another blog entry.
3. How did you feel physically and emotionally after your last hook-up?
Physically, it was an incredible moment in my adult life. The orgasm I experienced left me weak in the knees for hours. Emotionally was more of a challenge. There was no guilt on my behalf, I had the unbelievable support and encouragement from my husband to go ahead with the encounter, so my conscience was clear. But in the days after, I still felt confused. I had an intense desire (and still do) to take the next step and push the sexual envelope a bit more, but I also had to accept that the freedom I enjoyed was not shared for my partner. For him it was very much an “affair” and he had to make some tough decisions based on reality as opposed to sexual fantasy.
4. Are you still acquainted with the person from your hook-up?
We are still friends, although I don’t hear from him as much as I would like. We no longer work together and have since taken different paths in life.
5. How often do you engage in hook-ups?
This was the one and only time … so far.
6. What do you like most about engaging in hook-ups?
Well, outside of the previously stated lack of experience, I like the idea of being able to sexually explore without an emotional commitment. There’s something to be said for the sense of freedom.
Bonus: Are you married and having hook-ups?
Um … see above. But yes, I am married – happily, lovingly married.
Without question, I like to flirt. And I don’t discriminate; men, women, white, black, blue, green. I’m a people person and if I find a way to have a connection with someone who intrigues that part of my psyche, I’m game for a little flirtatious interaction. And I think if you have paid any attention along the way the past four years that I have been blogging and Twittering, you’ll know flirting is something I take very seriously.
Sadly, I’m also learning these days that flirting – even when done really well – is a dying art.
Five Reasons Flirting is Fading
I hazard to say that anyone working in a professional environment in North America can attest that workplace political correctness and over-bearing human resources policies have driven a huge wooden stake right through the heart of gender relations. Men and women are no longer allowed to play the Mars and Venus game, they are required to fall in line with some policy that says Marcie in accounting can’t be ogled by Bill in sales, even if Bill wasn’t actually ogling. We have policied ourselves into some level of social numbness where the only appropriate non-work related question can be able the lunch menu (if you dare).
Yes, sexual harassment is a real issue, but corporate policies are designed for mass implementation as opposed to identifying and addressing the cause. The challenge behind this is that it has created a huge scare, in which people are afraid to be anything but robotic little lemmings instead of individuals with unique interests, desires and senses of humour. The only safe conversation is “How was your weekend?” … and even can be sketchy at times. Oh, and Lord, don’t even mention your favourite NFL team if they happen to be from Washington, Kansas City or heaven-forbid, Green Bay (’cause all you know ‘packers’ has a suggestive meaning in some gay circles).
2. Technology Taints
A girl I work with – a single mom in her 40s – is back on the dating scene after her husband left her for some piece of fluff half her age. She’s learning that in this modern age, actual verbal communication falls low on the list of how it works. She’s also learning that the … um … sexual component of the dating game involves texting, sexting and selfies BEFORE an actual date has even taken place. I must say, we all did have a chuckle at the less than impressive penis shot her latest “date” sent her; this after only one brief encounter at a local coffee shop during her lunch hour.
What ever happened to the mystery?
Add to that, I just read an article today that says couples who meet online (dating sites, etc.) are less likely to get married and more likely to break up. I can only wonder if it’s because penis pics are becoming the norm … guys?
3. Conversation is Caput
Directly linked to the reason above, the two genders in our culture no longer seem to have the ability to talk to each other anymore. I see it constantly, especially with the younger adults. We’re connected to our gadgets. Sure, we can text 100 words per minute with just our thumbs, but we have no clue how to actually talk to someone of the opposite sex over a casual cup of coffee, never mind start up a flirtatious conversation ripe with barely-veiled sexual innuendo.
And even beyond the casual conversation that may occur between non-sexual relationships, we appear to have lost the ability – or maybe just the courage – to communicate with each other face-to-face.
4. Uber Feminism is Uber Annoying
I’m a feminist, an equalitist (made that one up) and a staunch believer in fairness all around. But I’m also woman and feminine enough to politely acknowledge a man who opens a door for me. I’m woman and girly enough to blush when a man (other than my husband) gives me a compliment on my hair/outfit/shoes/appropriate body part/etc. Some days I’ll even take the compliment on the inappropriate body part. I’m also woman enough to feel a little tingle between my thighs when I attract the attention of a man other than my husband, thus causing a slight distraction and/or dirty thought to pop into his head. In fact, I’m disappointed when I intentionally set out with that in mind and seemingly fail.
What I’m not is someone who is so fearful of my gender identity that I feel the need to treat men (and women) with suspicion and hostility just because they want to be nice to me. I’m not afraid of men, nor am I jealous and possessive to the point where my own husband is afraid of me.
We have forgotten how to be kind to each other and the anger between the sexes has created a battlefield where no one remembers how to act with dignity, grace and sincere flattery. We’ve forgotten that we’re supposed to have a polite level of sexual tension between us – that’s what leads to the preservation of the species through procreation.
5. Immediate Gratification
Our modern culture is focused strictly on satisfaction NOW. No one wants to wait; no one wants to invest some time and work towards a long-term reward. Flirting done well is an investment in the other person. It’s something that builds and forms a new layer in a relationship between two people. It’s not a cat-calling come-on, but a finely tuned conversation that allows the level of innuendo and humour to build naturally. Not done well it usually results in the other person thinking you’re just a horny creep.