Monthly Archives: July 2014
The discussion has definitely been about sharing fantasies of late. But someone asked if there was ever a time when a certain fantasy is best kept a secret.
Ok … so why would it work that way, you might ask, when you’ve been trying to encourage people to open up and communicate?
Well, the reality is that sometimes your partner may not be ready to wrap their brain about a certain desire you may have. Maybe they have trust issues (hopefully not). Maybe they’re struggling with issues of jealousy (it happens). Maybe they’re not at the same place sexually as you (it happens, a lot). Maybe there are 100 other reasons why you might want to wait it out a bit and test the waters. No matter what the reasoning may be, when it comes to fantasies, the downfall always seems to be the “devil in the details” part.
Even after 24 years of being together, there are still things that my husband and I are learning about each other. Life experience changes your perspective on your reality and with that, your sexual imagination. I couldn’t tell you what my ideal fantasy was when I was a first-married bride, but it probably had something to do with a very romantic notion that only involved my new husband. Since that time, I have discovered and explored a bisexual side to my personality, dabbled with swinging and shared a highly erotic encounter with a male co-worker while my husband looked on. I would have NEVER told my husband 20 years ago that I wanted to experience something like I did that afternoon.
And don’t kid yourself; there are still fantasies I have that I have not told him.
Fantasies are healthy, and your first challenge is to accept that. And accepting means accepting they are also healthy for the person you are with, no matter the context of their fantasies might be. Having fantasies doesn’t mean you want to break up your marriage and run away with who you are fantasizing about. They simply mean that your libido is working in tune with your imagination. Sharing fantasies in an open-minded and non-judgemental atmosphere helps the whole sexual orchestra play along.
But, without question, it takes time to build up to that level of performance. You can’t just start out on that level – unless you’re one hell of a sexually confident individual dating another hell of a sexually confident individual. Fantasies require trust, just as anything in a close relationship does. And trust takes time. If you don’t have that trust, don’t tempt its boundaries too soon.
Something I started thinking about when I was writing about the importance of sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner was the idea of whether or not some of those fantasies may be a barrier to enhancing intimacy.
In my own mind, I think the vast majority of my fantasies tend to be somewhat “predictable.” I’m not one of those women with outrageous thoughts on wild passionate nights with George Clooney and Brad Pitt (OK, who am I kidding) … rather, I like to believe that the majority of those snippets in my sexual imagination are rooted in realism. Yes, I would love to experience a threesome – but my idea isn’t so defined as it must be with only specific partners. Ultimately, I would love for it to be with my husband and another man – but at the same time, my husband has taught me well enough in this sexual adventure that I could, given the right opportunity, indulge in such an encounter with two men without him being one.
As I started to actually think on all of this, without the content of the fantasies being the key focus, I started to wonder how many women and men out there will not share their sexual thoughts with a partner because they have such a defined requirement of what it is they want. And, perhaps being so tied to those specifics has left them with a sense of fear because they can predict how their partner will react: “You want to do what with my best friend/sibling/co-worker/mechanic?”
And I wonder, with that in mind, if some sexual fantasies might not have a better chance to blossom and become realities (for those you want to actually try out), if you were able to slowly ease your partner’s imagination in that direction? Is it a better path to follow by first sharing the broad plotline before casting all the parts?
Over the past, I’d say, six or seven years as I have slowly grown to recognize that I can share all the sordid details of my sexual fantasies with my husband – names included – that the barrier of fear and reluctance has come down. In fact, I actually think that going beyond the simple “a threesome sounds fun” by including the idea of specific people has helped my husband understand me even more. And I think it’s allowed him to recognize that just because I have sexual thoughts that may not include him as a primary participant it doesn’t mean our relationship isn’t working the way it should. I needed the encouragement to trust and be open, he needed to opportunity to learn to trust and erase jealousy.
For us, it has been healthy. But then, we made it a commitment to grow and discover life together. Maybe the first barrier that needs to come down is the one that prevents people from accepting that life is too short to have hang-ups.
Without a doubt, if you had asked me back in early 2002 if I imagined myself doing an amateur porn site, I would have said you were crazy. It wasn’t so much about my outlook on the genre – or some deep seeded moral debate on the issues surrounding pornography – but more so because I couldn’t imagine that there would be any real interest.
My reasons for that change in the summer of that year have been well-documented before. If you want the back story, you can find it here.
Over the 12 years I have been doing my website, the “business” has changed dramatically. While I have plugged along, doing my thing, the impact of the Internet on our lives – and the massive exposure to all sorts of sexually related content – has pushed the “amateurness” to a much different level. In the early days, even though I jumped into the fray kind of late, the amateur genre was still very much low-res images of honest-to-goodness housewives and everyday women. The quality of the pictures (lord how I cringe when I look at my first few sets) was definitely at a different standard.
But the interest from our fan base was rooted very much in what the pictures showed, as opposed to the quality of the pixels. They wanted to see the kind of woman they may see at work, or next door, or at their kids’ sports in sexually explicit ways. Now even amateur porn has a very professional feel to it, and many models are just as airbrushed and dolled-up as those Playboy centrefolds were before the Internet was a household item. It doesn’t help the genre when such obvious professionals brand themselves as amateurs.
In conversation with an online friend recently, they asked me where I thought everything would be heading in the next few years. These days, I honestly don’t give a tremendous amount of thought to the business side of my website (not that I ever really have). My husband does the majority of the work, from the photography to coordinating which sets get sent in to Southern Charms at what time. My joy in the picture taking has always been the posing, the time spent creating the photos – and the celebratory intimacy when the work is over. My purpose for my site has always been about bringing that sexual heat and spice to my marriage, not the “business of amateur porn.”
That’s not to say I’m completely detached from the ins and outs off the mattress. We have seen, with my website, trends that pretty much look like those stock market charts – lots of peaks and valleys. Just before the economy took a dump in 2008, you may have almost convinced me to spend more time on the sexy side of life as you would have my real life career. These days, however, the reality has returned to “a nice naughty hobby.”
And then, even within the context of “amateur” as a genre, things have changed. I think it is now very segmented between the “stereotypical housewives” like myself and the new breed of young Kartrashian wannabes – the selfie-addicted, club-hopping diva in sparkly painted-on minidresses and stiletto heels. Each style of “amateur” has their own idea of what it entails to be involved in porn; and both are remarkably different. On a personal level, I see these young women as being less about the contrast between reality and naughty fantasy; rather, they come across as overly addicted to the attention and wear their sexuality more brazenly than the tiny napkins they call clothes.
As an aside, I do realize there are many levels to what could be amateur porn; from the mostly-solo/heterosexual brand of housewife porn I produce, through to gay male to some of the more extreme sexual lifestyles.
I’ve always enjoyed being a contrast in men’s fantasies – the very “normal” and unassuming soccer mom type in public, with an intriguing sexual secret in private. It has always been more fun slowly inviting men into that part of my world. It’s that idea, to me, that has always been the “amateur” part; the contrast and the secret surprise that exists behind the public facade.
I’m not sure where “amateur porn” is going to be headed in the future. I strongly suspect that, given the amount of video that is out there now, the photo side of it may become a smaller demand. I know guys are highly visual animals when it comes to sexual excitement; which adds to my thoughts on why video may be an even bigger part of it.
With the explosion of copyright-infringing websites, and weak laws to help protect those of us who participate in the modelling side, I can’t really see how we will be able to continue producing what we do. I’m not saying I do it for the money – but I’m not going to continue and do it for free. For women like me, there are risks that most fans likely don’t consider, nor care about, in doing this kind of little hobby. To continue just for the sake of putting myself out there without any kind of “reward” for taking the risk…there is a big part of me that hopes something will be done to protect our copyrights with more vigilance. But that may be a pipe dream – sort of like herding cats.
So yes, you get to enjoy the ramblings of my mind as I work through some of the ideas I have come up with as a way to break out of this sexual rut I was telling you about last week. I can’t say I have yet discovered any amazing secret that I could sell on the Internet for millions of dollars – mostly because I currently don’t believe there is a singular, easy to bottle solution.
As I started to brainstorm on where to begin, one thing continually came to mind: fantasies. Ultimately, sexual fantasies are the thoughts that lead us to adventure and fuel our desire. I’m not one of those who buy into the idea that some people don’t have sexual fantasies; I just think they haven’t tapped into that part of their libido.
Sharing sexual fantasies is a vital and healthy aspect of a great relationship. When you have the confidence to open yourself to such conversations, it builds on the trust and emotional connection. My husband has learned a great deal about what makes me tick – and how that information can drive our sex life to amazing heights – by helping me be open about my fantasies. And once I knew I didn’t have to be afraid to share those thoughts with him, I felt a great deal freer in my sexual relationship with both myself and my husband.
In the years that we have been building on our communication and ability to understand the other’s fantasies without judgement, one of the main things I have learned is that any time we spend talking intimately about our sexual thoughts, the easier it has been to engage in sexual activity. And the hotter the sex has been.
I know for a lot of women – and probably men – sharing sexual fantasies with their partner can be a nerve-racking experience. There’s a lot at risk: embarrassment, fear of jealousy, even fear of it affecting the status of the relationship. I admit those are feelings I experience when I first opened up about my own. And I’ve said many times over, I’m lucky to have learned very quickly I didn’t need to be afraid. In fact, my fantasies became something my husband worked to help make realities as he turned his attention to my sexual exploration and satisfaction. Not all of them, mind you … because some fantasies are just meant to be brain candy.
Without question, we live in an age of over-sharing and an abundance of “TMI.” To a certain extent, I’m certainly no innocent in this, as I participate in a variety of “online sharing” methods – from this very blog, to my website, to my social media accounts.
Am I a hypocrite for my disdain for that? I’m sure it’s a label some would easily pin on me, but my offline life is not so entrenched with my obsession to find fame and fortune by offering such little value to society. In fact, I protect the anonymity of my online persona from those who know me in real life, as much as I keep the “facts” of who I am away from being Andee off of the Internet.
I didn’t really intend to rant today about the likes of the Kartrashian clan or Paris Hilton. But what they do in order to become famous underscores a topic that was tossed my way recently:
Why no one is talking about their sexual discoveries anymore?
Frankly, I think a lot of it has to do with our cultural fascination over inviting everyone into almost every moment of our lives. From selfies taken at almost every encounter we have (here’s me at the dentist…here’s me in the dentist chair…here’s me grabbing the dentist by the testicles because he started drilling before the freezing took hold) to Facebook/Facechat/Facespace/Facegram and every other social media gimmick there is. We share … and we share a lot.
So, when it comes to those fond memories of hanging out with girlfriends and quietly telling the story of the first blowjob we gave to the newest guy in our life, and giggling and comparing the experience to all the other first blowjobs, it seems like we’ve run out of fuel for the naughty banter of old. Nowadays, there are probably 12 selfies of that first blowjob already posted online by the time we gather all the girls and buy the wine for the night.
Over-sharing is almost expected.
Think about it; how shocking is it when we meet new people and draw them into our circle of friends to discover they don’t have some sort of social media account?
Of course, I use mine to invite all of you in to my sexual adventure. For the most part, you’re the ones who get to come along with me as I learn more about myself and try new things. But, you know that experience from the “Andee” point of view, which still allows me the freedom to maintain my secrets in my day-to-day life. And while I would not recommend doing what I do to anyone in real life, I’m grateful for the outlet this has become.
But for all that – or maybe it’s my age – we no longer seem to share those giddy moments of discovery with our peers. Part of me thinks that for all the over-sharing we do in our lives online has led to us being far more “protective” of our discoveries and experiences offline. Their judgement level has reached a pinnacle on the most mundane incidents in life, so why expose the uniquely exciting to that same judgement. It has made us bad at being interactive with our peers – to the point where we’ll seek advice on our sex life from random strangers on Twitter over insightful friends over a glass of wine.
Mind you, now I think about it, it very well might be my age; given that my days of first kisses and heavy petting in the back seat of a car at the drive-in have been replaced with tawdry hotel encounters with other couples that would make a lot of my girlfriends spill their wine.