Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Very Touchy Subject Of Infidelity

This is always one of the touchiest subjects to get into. There can be so much suspicion, raw emotion and anger involved, especially when some people aren’t exactly to admit to it.

Infidelity …

I first blogged about it back in January, with a hint of sarcasm inserted to lighten it up.

I suppose it is one of those topics that anyone who has been in a serious relationship has addressed at one point. Even if it hasn’t been in the heat of the moment, it’s still something that comes up in conversation eventually.

I’m no different; especially since there seems to be some raised eyebrows in my personal life. So when the conversation turned to the idea of whether or not “men are hard-wired to cheat,” I kind of put my mind to work to come up with what has been a pretty challenging blog to write for you.

Infidelity in a relationship isn’t as black and white as some people want to believe, and for each couple, the degree of “freedom” can vary. What may generate jealousy in some relationships might be the fuel for fantasy in others. And based on statistics that show a vast majority of married adults admit to having fantasies that involve someone other than a spouse, the real key is understanding what is accepted and what crosses the line.

The other complicated part of figuring out infidelity is whether the “affair” is physical, emotional or a bit of both.

Personally, I have learned a lot of new things over the past several months about infidelity and had a few of my own preconceived notions shattered.

It used to be somewhat accepted that men cheated based on a very stereotypical testosterone-fuelled need for conquest. Men slept with many women because that is what was expected of a “man.” Women, on the other hand, were mostly expected to be “good girls.” A guy was viewed as a stud based on the number of his sexual conquests, whereas a woman was viewed as a slut if she dabbled beyond second base.

Pretty much the accepted standards, right? Then it was explained to me that, believe or not, men also cheat to fulfill an emotional need. It just wasn’t socially acceptable to say they needed to feel desired and attractive. To do so almost violated the locker room code of what it means to be a “man.”

And more women are cheating to fulfill a physical need; hence the birth of the “cougar.” Women began to reject society’s position that they had to settle for a less-than-satisfying love life and embraced their own ability to achieve a “conquest.” Modern thinking erased some of the old standards as to why people are stepping outside of marriage.

One perspective I read on this described the situation in such a way: “Many people prefer not to define what counts as cheating because by keeping the rules vague and ambiguous, it makes it easier to cheat. If you don’t know what the rules are, you really can’t break them – or so people like to think.”

What does still stand, according to some of the studies I read when putting my mind to work on this one, is that there is a difference in how men and women cheat. Men still remain the leaders in physical, one-night stands, while we are more likely to embrace emotional affairs.

And as such, because women are more likely to have an emotional affair, “cheating wives tend to cheat with someone who is part of their social group – a friend or co-worker. Women are also more likely to draw positive inferences about their physical appearance when they are cheating: I’m still attractive, I’m still desirable, etc.”

“Human behaviour is not always governed by the fact that wedding vows were taken and that promises were made. The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice; instead most infidelity occurs, not because it is planned, but because people find themselves in situations where their emotions overwhelm them. When placed in the right situation (or wrong situation, in this case), our emotions can prompt us to act in ways which are counter to our beliefs.”

It can begin as simple as flirtatious conversation, then evolve to random, seemingly harmless body contact – maybe the ‘friendly’ neck rub or ‘thanks for the advice’ hug. From there, the traditional relationship ‘guards’ come down and emotions cloud the platonic friendship.

The question becomes: Does it evolve to the point where it becomes the focus and highlight of the day when you see that person; or perhaps you change your routine to ensure you cross paths?

Perhaps the innuendo picks up in the daily banter to the point where you once shared information about this friendship with your spouse, you now begin to avoid mentioning that friend’s name at home or changing the subject if your spouse asks about them.

Maybe you begin to confide more personal things to this new, exciting, interesting friend, or begin to accept their perspective on things as being more agreeable or insightful than your spouse. It may get to the point where you find their stories more refreshing than those which have defined your own marriage; they hit on those points of “I wish …” and take the imagination away from the doldrums of returning home to find a perpetual reminder of stale relationship reality.

Then there is Tiger’s downfall – the cell phone. Does it reach the point where you find yourself sending your friend private e-mails or suggestive text messages, then mass delete all history? Tiger apparently forgot that part …

To many, that is pretty much an affair. The physical sex just hasn’t happened yet. Most studies on the subject suggest it will – to the tune of 73% of emotional affairs evolving to include some sort of physical sexual interaction, from kissing through to clandestine rendezvous.

One need only look to the divorce rate today to see that many people find someone more appealing and more interesting – even someone they love more than their spouse – after they are already married.

So, are men hard-wired to cheat?

I don’t think it’s as simple as that anymore. I think women are just as capable of being the aggressors and initiators when it comes to extra-marital activities. Women have shed the “good girl” requirement in favour of personal fulfillment and pursuit of renewed romantic excitement when a marriage has become routine. Whether that bodes well for the future, I can’t say. But as we can see in the younger generations, there seems to be a lot more flexibility in commitment than ever before.

Andee     xoxo

Porn | Why Women Are Looking

I was surfing around looking for some information for those sex-stats Tweets that I like to throw at you guys on a frequent basis and I came across this on why women like porn. Now, it’s kind of a weird thing for me. I don’t look at porn all that much – but as you know, I spend a portion of my private life posing for it. So, the idea of women and porn is a bit twisted for me.

I make no secret of my passion for well-written erotica, and enjoy spending an evening curled up in my reading chair with a really steamy book. It has fueled so many of my fantasies … and cost me probably hundreds of dollars in batteries.

Now, having said that, I recognize that with the Internet playing such a huge role in our lives today, access is extremely easy and we’re not really all that different from guys. We have our kinks. We just may not be as open about letting you know that we do.
In one thing I read on the subject, I found this: Psychotherapist Phillip Hodson, of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, says that in consulting rooms, the issue of woman habitually using porn “is something that has not been aired before. It’s something new that’s just beginning to surface … Traditionally women’s voices have been against porn. It’s seen as more of a male thing, because it’s men who are supposed to be visually stimulated. But that doesn’t mean that women aren’t. Men are just maybe more so.”
So, more women are doing it … and on I found blogger Susannah Breslin had come up with 10 reasons why. I thought it would be great to share:
1. Curiosity. A girlfriend of mine calls this the “freak show factor.” Personally, I think there is something about pornography that is a bit like a freak show. I mean, people look kind of weird naked and doing it. We’ve come a long way, baby, but there is a degree to which watching porn is still a taboo for women, and that can be its own turn-on.
2. To Get Off. Women and men may be from different planets, but they are both prone to the occasional masturbation session, and it is for that express purpose porn was designed. Generally, I believe women are more likely to choose mental fantasies over visual aids, but there are many women who are as visual as men and men who are as fantasy-oriented as women.
3. Learn New Moves. We can’t all be Stormy Daniels, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have sex like porn stars if we aspire to do so. Whether we’re bored with the current state of our sex lives, looking to bust out a new move on a special occasion, or have yet to perfect the fine art of fellatio, porn can, uh, come in, er, handy as an, um, “educational tool.”
4. Comparison Shopping. People are always yapping about how competitive men are. I have yet to meet a man who is as quietly competitive as a woman. Because a fair amount of us can’t quite make up our minds whether or not to love the body Mother Nature gave us, sometimes we watch porn to compare ourselves to other women. When the competition is surgically enhanced, that challenge can get a little tricky. But women also watch porn to compare their sexual partners to other men. Do they measure up? Depends.
5. Ogle Guys. You know what there isn’t enough of in this world? Shirtless, bottomless, and shirtless and bottomless men. Seriously! Naked chicks? Everywhere you look. If we can’t get to the beach, we might have to visit, stat.
6. Kill Time. Why does one of my female coworkers watch porn? “To kill time before you can start a DVR’d, hour-long episode of a TV show without having to watch any commercials.” She is nothing if not efficient.
7. Get in the Mood. Several women I spoke with about their personal porn usage used the term “jump start.” If she’s getting ready to go out on a big date, or if her partner is on the way over for a roll in the hay, women use adult movies to get their motor runnin’. It’s like foreplay. Except you’re having sex with the Internet instead of another human being.
8. It’s His. Probably, this one should be higher up on the list. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the second most common reason women watch porn. Suffice to say, many women who stumble upon their man’s porn collection may have taken a peek at it. Or, you know, spent the next several hours watching it. In some cases, someone else’s porn can tell you a lot about them.
9. Explore Secret Fantasies. If a woman isn’t comfortable sharing her sexual fantasies, she may turn to porn to experience them vicariously. It could be something as simple as spanking, yet she may feel awkward telling her square-as-a-peg husband that she wants to play naughty. Porn never judges.
10. Penises. Newsflash: Penises are weird. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. We don’t have them. We will never totally understand them. Porn is a penis show.
Well, as for me … how just because I want to. I figure that is good enough reason. I already do more than enough in the rest of my life to be psycho-analyzed.
Andee     xoxo

Sex | Planes, Trains or Automobiles?

I hope all my American friends had an awesome Thanksgiving. I was surprised to learn that quite a few of you did not realize that up here in the Great White North that we celebrate the holiday on a different date. Ours is always in October, on a weekend…and normally we get the Monday as a holiday.

Either way, it’s all about family, friends and the opportunity to reflect on the blessings we have in our lives.

So, as I was spending my “Black Friday” working diligently on a new update for my website and answering a few e-mails, I found this one that kind of fit for a little bigger idea in my mind – especially since it was about my blog and many of you may have been travelling this past weekend.

You’ve blogged about all three…but which comes first? Plane, train or automobile?

Before I dish on my thoughts, let me just clarify that, while I find both men extremely funny, neither Steve Martin or the late John Candy really do it for me.

Having said that, you may remember that I have shared my experiences with you about sex in motion. The automobile scenario is something that I have actually experimented with, and so in a way, it counts as which comes first – but at the same time, doesn’t.

Looking at which engine-powered sex experience I would like to complete, I have to admit that the thought of joining the Mile High Club is the most exciting to me. The downside is that I am not a very good air traveller and tend to fight anxiety and motion sickness when I do fly. Having said that, I wonder if the idea of a sexual interlude might distract me from those fears?

How erotic and exciting would it be to fulfill that fantasy of meeting some handsome stranger on the plane, spend a little time chatting in our seats and then finding our way to the bathroom where we could perform some sexual origami?

As I mull over these erotic thoughts, I already have my travel clothes picked out …

Then, as someone who regularly takes a commuter train, I find myself intrigued with finding out if the “Corridor Club” really exists. Fashioned after the famous Mile High Club, rumour has it this select group of people have hooked up in the toilets on the train. The upside to this idea is that most of the cars on the train I take have larger washrooms than those on an airplane, so the comfort level of sex while riding the rails is higher.

As most of the guys who follow my naughty thoughts on Twitter know, I already invest a significant amount of my morning trip drooling over my Cute Guy, and enjoyed some fantasy thoughts this summer over a Sexy Blonde. Do I have the flirtatious talent to convince my fantasy friends to join me? Not sure, but if you look at things from that perspective, I have my options lined up should either care to meet me in the loo!

Which brings me to “auto erotic” encounters…I think that out of the three, this may rank lowest on my list of “set my motor running” experiences because of the simple fact that it is the one that has the greatest chance of happening. I’ve already tested the experience with a few different sex acts: a couple years ago with giving my husband a blowjob while he drove, and most recently a sex toy fun-filled trip home from the Everything To Do With Sex Show in Toronto.

What has not yet been fulfilled is the ultimate experience of intercourse while someone else drives.

Anyone have their chauffeur’s license and a dashboard mounted camera?

Andee     xoxo

My Blog | Some Sexy New Additions

Hey guys, so I enlisted the help of my I.T. specialist to add a few new things to my blogging experience. I have no idea if some of them will mean much to anyone, but hey … someone suggested a couple new concepts to me and I am running naked through the chilly Canadian streets with them!

Ok, maybe not really running naked through the streets … but I think you probably like the idea.

For anyone who is really into the techno side of life, I have this thing that looks like a big pixel smudge on here now. I guess they are called QR codes and I have no idea how they really work, but what I do know is that if you have a scanning program, it will take you to my website, which is kind of cool. Now, I am being a little sarcastic in that … I do know that these new things work like a barcode. Anyway, they seem to be the latest thing for helping people get around the Internet, and I have one to call my own. Just don’t expect me to get a tattoo of it any time soon.

Also, with my lust for well-written erotica, and my frequent mentioning of how much I like to read, it seems that some of you want to write some just for me. I always appreciate anyone who takes the time to put their creative juices to work, and so I have created a whole new blog just for those erotic stories. If naughty words gets you going, I hope you will take the time to slip on over to this newest chapter in my sexual adventure. Just to make it easy, I’ve added a link!

Have an awesome weekend!

Andee     xoxo

Act Like A Lady … Sort Of

I was reading an intriguing story today on the Internet about a recent Canadian survey on women’s moods and attitudes towards each other. The main point of the article was on women’s catty behaviour, and that “reality” TV shows like the Bachelor got it right. 

“A University of Ottawa professor says her study — published in the journal Aggressive Behavior — confirms that most women use aggression against sexual rivals.

Prof. Tracy Vaillancourt’s research took a look at how females compete with one another for the attention of males. Her study concludes that ‘The Bachelor,’ which follows the action as an eligible man chooses a partner from a group of women, provides insight into the tactics women use to compete.

The popular show illustrates how vying for the affections of an eligible man can bring out the worst in women, the study says. Tactics can include gossiping about a rival’s supposed promiscuity or disparaging her appearance, so as to reduce her “mate value.”

What the study fails to show, if you want my own personal, unscientific opinion, is that the contestants for idiotic TV shows like ‘The Bachelor’ are, at best, the worst examples of women they could use…with the exception of cloning a dozen Heidi Montags. None of these individuals start out with any redeeming qualities, and we only get to see even more disturbing personality shortcomings as the cameras roll.

Thankfully, most of us are able to see that.

From my own angle, what I do see – away from the nonsense of reality TV shows – is that women are more likely to be vindictive and aggressive more so because of the shortcomings in their own lives. You can almost gauge their behaviour to what is going on in their personal lives. The ones that will gossip and tear others down do so to boost themselves up. If they are not happy, they don’t want anyone around them to be happy.

It’s disappointing that more of them haven’t figured out that instead of competing, try sharing … it is so much more fun!

Andee     xoxo
%d bloggers like this: