Category Archives: Cheating
With my recent post about sexual boundaries, I was asked to share what mine are and why.
There are some really easy moral ones that I hope the vast majority of us have – legal / consent / species. Pretty straightforward – it has to be legal (including age), it has to be consensual and can not involve any living (or dead) non-human beings.
Clear lines there, no room for debate. Let’s set that aside as the foundation here.
Probably the biggest boundary beyond those would be pain. I’m not excited by pain, nor am I into inflicting it for sexual purposes. I don’t mind a bit of rough play, a little edge – heck, even that tiny early pain involved in anal – but definitely nothing that leaves a mark or draws blood.
In terms of BDSM, I’m like a lot of others – after 50 Shades of Grey, I was intrigued. I dabbled and certainly don’t mind a little soft bondage. To me that can be very exciting – but it has to be consensual and respectful.
I’m not into degradation. I’ve said it before, my role-playing is generally reserved for the very common photo illustrations of schoolgirl, French maid, sexy secretary, etc. But I’m also very honest about my poor acting skills. You won’t find me insulting my sex partner, or being subjected to that kind of degradation. Calling me certain names (slut, cunt, bitch) are real mood killers.
I’m not into ‘water sports’ or other body fluids/excrement outside of cum. Some body functions are best reserved for the privacy of the toilet.
Infidelity, hook ups, dating/sex outside of marriage are also out. If you’re a loyal reader of my blog, you’ll know I have been on this journey with the love, support and encouragement of my husband. That includes dabbling in the swinging lifestyle and exploring a sexual opportunity with a dear friend and coworker. My husband has been there for it all. I’m not in this to meet anyone, for random sex or to replace what I have. I’m the luckiest girl on the planet already.
There are things that are often negotiable, depending on the moment, my level of desire/horniness and the nature of the request. Anal, for example … and facials.
Overall, the boundaries I have are more about my comfort and desire. Although I’ve been a little off tack in this journey, it is still very much a journey of discovery and challenges the limitations of my imagination. It’s about living my best life – including having the best sex.
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Do you ever see someone – a perfect stranger – and wonder what they would be like as a lover, as a partner … as a one-night stand?
There’s this guy I see most mornings on my drive into work. He stands at the end of his driveway with his young kids waiting with them for their school bus. As much as I can tell as I drive by, he’s a handsome man – and obviously a pretty good father. He dresses somewhat casually, and appears to be fairly fit.
But you know, sometimes my mind takes these little turns and thoughts pop into my head that aren’t exactly vanilla. Here’s this guy, who I know absolutely nothing about as a person, other than in the mornings he is out in all kinds of weather with his kids, waiting. So my mind wanders; what does he do after the bus leaves? Does he work at home? Where’s the kids’ mom? Is she inside all dressed up in naughty lingerie waiting for a morning session of sweaty sex?
Or, maybe, he’s alone. Maybe he wishes there was someone waiting back in the bedroom, dressed in naughty lingerie. Maybe his wife is so wrapped up in her own career now that she’s basically left him to be Mr. Mom.
What would happen if I just pulled into the driveway one day as the school bus passed me?
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Hookups — brief uncommitted sexual encounters between individuals who are not romantic partners or dating each other.
“Hookups have emerged from more general social shifts taking place during the last century. Hookups began to become more frequent in the 1920s, with the upsurge of automobiles and novel entertainment, such as movie theaters. Instead of courting at home under a parent’s watchful eye, young adults left the home and were able to explore their sexuality more freely.
By the 1960s, young adults became even more sexually liberated, with the rise of feminism, widespread availability of birth control and growth of sex-integrated college party events. Today, sexual behavior outside of traditional committed romantic pair-bonds has become increasingly typical and socially acceptable (Bogle, 2007, 2008).” — Source
This is, quite easily, one of the more difficult TMI Tuesdays for me. Having been in a committed relationship now for almost 25 years, there isn’t a vast amount of “hook-up” dishing to be had. However, the idea captivates my attention because of the very nature of it – the pure sexual freedom and no emotional attachment. There’s a lot of potential in that.
There is a great debate somewhere in all of this – people of my generation and older may see these encounters as the old “one-night stand.” Whereas, as mentioned above, today’s youth may very well see these “sex for sex sake” encounters as normal behaviour.
1. When was your last hook-up?
So, here is where we will begin with my own twist on the concept. I can’t say that my encounter is a hook-up in the truest of senses, mainly because it was carefully planned, my husband was present for the entire encounter … and the only outcome was the exchange of oral sex.
But that wonderful encounter took place in March 2012
2. Briefly describe the hook-up?
I had invested about three years of really committed flirting and teasing of the guy before making the leap. It’s described in great detail in another blog entry.
3. How did you feel physically and emotionally after your last hook-up?
Physically, it was an incredible moment in my adult life. The orgasm I experienced left me weak in the knees for hours. Emotionally was more of a challenge. There was no guilt on my behalf, I had the unbelievable support and encouragement from my husband to go ahead with the encounter, so my conscience was clear. But in the days after, I still felt confused. I had an intense desire (and still do) to take the next step and push the sexual envelope a bit more, but I also had to accept that the freedom I enjoyed was not shared for my partner. For him it was very much an “affair” and he had to make some tough decisions based on reality as opposed to sexual fantasy.
4. Are you still acquainted with the person from your hook-up?
We are still friends, although I don’t hear from him as much as I would like. We no longer work together and have since taken different paths in life.
5. How often do you engage in hook-ups?
This was the one and only time … so far.
6. What do you like most about engaging in hook-ups?
Well, outside of the previously stated lack of experience, I like the idea of being able to sexually explore without an emotional commitment. There’s something to be said for the sense of freedom.
Bonus: Are you married and having hook-ups?
Um … see above. But yes, I am married – happily, lovingly married.
The great thing about catching on to a subject like sexual freedom is that the conversation can literally go on and on. And with the idea of sharing intriguing perspectives from both sides of the debate, often the level of intellectual deliciousness heats up. Is it voyeurism? Cuckolding? Just ol’ fashioned swinging?
Such is the case with my most recent blogs about men watching their wives having sex with other men, and the like. From that comes the counter perspective, as challenged by someone who I chat with every now and then on Twitter:
Can you have a great, long-lasting sex life with the same partner?
I can only answer this from a personal – and feminine – perspective: absolutely.
For women, or at least me, the idea of great sex isn’t founded on the equipment a man brings to the bedroom – his looks, the size of his penis, his paycheque. What matters most is the connection between us, the bond and how you capture my imagination and my soul more than how deeply you tickle my vagina.
Good sex – hot, steamy, toe-curling, mattress-grabbing sex – can be founded on the vanity of what a man has to offer physically and the marvels of what he can do between my legs. For some, I’m sure that is the definition of great sex. But after the two minute mark has passed and he’s pretty much done and snoring on his side of the bed, there remains the hollow feeling; the feeling of something missing.
What takes things to the next level to great sex is what happens between my ears. It’s the essential “mind fuck” that I want as much as the physical fuck. I need to feel a connection with my lover to make it happen; an emotional connection that burns deeply. And despite what many may think about my online life, that kind of connection only comes from a committed, long-term relationship.
Now, to throw a real twist into all of this …
Great sex also requires a feeling of sexual freedom. Even in marriage, there are times when you fear judgement for your sexual thoughts. That is just natural in any intimate relationship. And if those fears hold you back sexually … well, it takes time to let go of them and grow into being more open and understanding. A healthy long-term relationship will allow that time to pass, and foster sexual and emotional growth of each partner.
Sexual freedom allows your mind and body to surrender to the moment, without any hesitation or guilt because you have invested in that personal growth within the relationship. It removes those psychological barriers – most of which are the cause of bad sex. A study I read not long ago hit on some of the issues surrounding those barriers in non-monogamous relationships – men struggled with erection issues, while women struggled with lubrication issues during those moments of infidelity.
So, for all the stockings, lingerie and secretive rendezvous at sketchy motels – research suggests great sex was not on the room service card.
Sexual freedom + deep emotional connection = great sex. At least for me, and I’m not convinced that’s something you can find with a one-night stand. But I am convinced it’s something you can have for life with the right partner.
I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with a friend since I posted a question on Twitter about husbands watching their wives engaging in sex with other men. I had an idea in mind and was interested to see how others felt about the same subject. It wasn’t meant to be a question that exposes any personal issues, but something I hoped to be thought-provoking.
One of the perspectives that arose was that of how there appears to be a complex duality between being someone with “baggage” and someone who yearns for the freedom of no-strings sexual exploration.
Personally, I think when it comes to the relationship between sex and our society, there has to be the reality of people having a dual personality. Our culture has extreme difficulty with accepting we’re a sexual species. We’ll forgive some of the most heinous crimes against each other, but heaven forbid you want to pursue a sexual kink that deviates from the narrow path of judgement.
Anyone who has dabbled/explored/plunged-right-in recognizes that certain aspects of their sexual interests are taboo. And not just those moments involving a man with a goat, someone playing the trumpet and three rooster feathers. Little is judged more harshly outside of the courtroom than a person’s sexual interests … and dare I say, not even “a person’s” but pointedly “a woman’s.”
When a man shares his sexual conquests among his peers/co-workers/cell mates, more times than not he is revered for his ability to “close the deal” or “score.” A man with a numerous notches on his bedpost is viewed as a “skilled lover” whereas a woman with same track record is viewed as “a slut” and someone who “gets around, if you know what I mean.”
With these kind of societal judgements, is it any wonder that sexual exploration in our so-called liberal-minded age requires an almost alter-ego.
In one of my responses to my friend, I try to explain why my own experience with the spouse-sharing was a special moment, not one built of a need to eliminate the fear of infidelity in our relationship – not even really one of great kink.
Life Is Too Short
There are some rather unsexy things about why we are the way we are. It’s a lot of clichés about living life, no regrets, no looking back. You know, we tried things here and there, failed in most, succeeded in a couple. But our life together is certainly one that is unique from many couples. We worked very hard to shed hang-ups and jealousies so we could experience everything that came our way; and we want to do that together.
As strange as it may sound, it’s an affirmation of trust and intimacy in my marriage. It’s my husband saying to me ‘you don’t ever need to cheat, or be tempted or feel guilty with your attraction to another man.’ He’s provided me with an almost once-in-a-lifetime moment that allows me to experience something that has been absent from my life for 25 years – all those raw, sexual sensations that you feel in the early days of a sexual relationship; the chance to wash away the wonder of never experiencing a new person in that kind of way again, almost a way of reliving those moments of sexual experimentation with a new person; freedom from sexual secrets.
What does he get out of it? So, I asked … again. From what he tells me, he gets to see me in one of the sexiest moments he could imagine. He gets deep personal satisfaction from knowing he has given his wife something she has secretly desired, but has always been ‘afraid’ to ask. Not because of the commitment to a marriage, but because he knows from a woman’s side, it’s extremely selfish (I don’t agree).
His motivation? “Part deep burning sexual love and a selfish indulgence to see his wife as other men may see her from her secret life as Andee.” He said there was no sacrifice when he saw how unbelievably excited, scared, turned-on and nervous I was. The experience had little to do with the other man, in his opinion, even though the man is my friend. The idea, the focus, the desire and the attention were all about me at that time.
I don’t know if women feel “revolutionary” about participating in such a setting. I would hope they would recognize that sometimes sexual discover and the freedom that such an opportunity provides is something that should strengthen the marriage. I doubt many relationships can ever reach that ‘nirvana.’
I have said many times before that he has introduced me to an entirely new world of sexuality and sexual exploration that I likely would have never experienced without him. He is a rare breed. I regret absolutely nothing about my choice to be loyal to him from that time, missing out of the college experience of parties and hooking up. Part of what he says about this is him recognizing that I could have had more sexual fun when I was young – so why not now while we still can and have a lifetime of broader sexual knowledge and skill?
Any friend I have ever confided in about our experiences over the past 12 years or so is usually gobsmacked at first, and then insanely jealous of me. It is very difficult to explain that my husband’s true kink is allowing me the freedom to explore sexually – as long as he gets to be there as well.
But don’t be side-tracked by that. This is not a willy-nilly, every weekend kind of thing. My heart and soul belong to this marriage 100%; I just have this strange little freedom allowed to me should I ever find the opportunity I want to be more than a simple imaginary distraction. I’m not jumping the UPS guy because I like his brown shorts; but I do – and can with certain conditions – enjoy a sexual moment with someone who intrigues me that deeply.
In our life together we have known many, many couples who have divorced. We’ve lost very dear friends to illness and accidents. We look at our life together and made an even bigger commitment to each other to ‘live’ … not to be a passenger, not to die with our last words being ‘what if.’ I think we have an unbelievable strong emotional commitment to each other – one that recognizes there can, or may, be strange little side trips. It means we don’t ever need to fear sexual temptation, or secretly cheat.
At times like this, you are sharing on the rawest, most vulnerable level. To open yourself up to that degree – and emerge from that unscathed is the most liberating, soul-building experience you could ever imagine. It’s like riding the wildest, fastest, tallest, looping roller-coaster in the world – but without the screaming and puking. Let’s be honest, at this stage in life, when can you do things for the first time that scare the hell out of you?
And, by the way, most times when you explain to someone who may think “oh yeah, let’s get naked” that we will be doing so while my husband is right there … let’s say it’s more effective than a polar bear dip on New Year’s Day to most men. So there is a level of flaccid attrition.
Sex can be just “sex.” It is difficult to separate the emotional attachment from the act, but not impossible. Hence, the duality of the situation.