Category Archives: Love
There’s always that nagging little voice in the back of a lot of people’s heads that says “you probably shouldn’t…”
I first wrote about this very idea some five years ago … and at a time when it seems my imagination was much more on fire. Ah, how time and life conspire against us to quell the naughtiness. That and a house full of inquisitive teenage boys.
Actually, I don’t think that my opinion on sharing fantasies has changed – and I’m not even sure my own fantasies have changed…much. Maybe some have become tainted with a bit too much reality, but that isn’t to say I’ve given up on them.
More of what I think these days is around the opportunity to share those thoughts and ideas. For me, it’s easy to be more open minded and sexually astute when my libido is high. But when life turns and you struggle to even find brief moments of intimacy in a spinning schedule, it can be a challenge to “feel” the fantasy, never mind talk about it. When your days are murky with work stresses and the routine of raising a family, etc., it’s hard to get in the creative mood.
I think that’s also why things slowed down with this blog…it’s hard to keep the focus on those sexually intriguing aspects of life when your mind is bogged down with the mundane.
So, in a way, it becomes even more important to make the most of the opportunities when they do arise – and keeping the commitment to “life-long, marriage-strong” communication.
Communication is what will keep things on track for when those doors open again. And, by understanding what continues to inspire each others’ imagination is key to keeping the marriage alive during these busy, mind-numbing real-life slumps.
The caution, of course, is in how those fantasies may be interpreted. If life is so busy you can’t connect as a couple, will the other person see you sexual distractions as a sign of infidelity/boredom/need to break away? How do you achieve that balance? That’s a really good question – and I’d love to hear your ideas.
Of course, I’m not the most perfect example of following my own advice. I think if you asked my husband today about my sexual fantasies he would, at least, be able to give Version 1.0. The updates, maybe not so much at the moment.
Late last week, one of my Twitter followers responded to a tweet I made about submission fantasies, asking how she might get her husband to be a little more ‘dominant’ in helping her heat up things in their relationship.
Full disclosure here: I have submission fantasies, but certainly not to the level of what we see in the tidal wave of over-hype around 50 Shades. The idea of being tied up, maybe blindfolded – to me, that’s erotic and exciting. But I’ve never been into spanking, slapping, riding crops, pancake spatulas, verbal degradation, etc. Nor have I really gotten into the whole “role play” idea of BDSM. You’re not my “master” … I’m not your “slave” … and no, I won’t call you “sir.” I can’t judge those who do enjoy it and find pleasure in their kink – just as much as I ask those of you who do indulge to that degree not to judge me for not finding it personally appealing. Each to their own; that’s the wonderful thing about sexual adventures, they are unique.
So with that said; to my Twitter peep’s issue.
I believe there are a lot of men who equally find the idea of domination/submission to be an awkward experience. Oh, I’m sure there’s a ton of bravado out there, but when it comes to testing those boundaries with the woman who dominates your heart and soul, it might be a challenge to step outside the respectful boundaries of a relationship. It’s not easy to go from the adoration you demonstrate outside of the bedroom to calling her a “slut” when she’s strapped to the mattress. There’s a different level of psychology involved in some sexual experiences; and for people who haven’t had a great deal of experience at pushing their own boundaries, it can be very difficult to try something new.
As adults, I think we fear our fear more than we fear the experience. We’re afraid to be judged, to be laughed at – to be vulnerable in moments of intimacy. And being vulnerable in BDSM moments isn’t just for the person in the role of the “submissive.” It takes a lot to be able to leave some things in the bedroom.
In my mind, for couples who are dabbling with light BDSM (being tied up, blindfolded), the power isn’t necessarily in the hands of the person doing the tying up. I think the woman (for our argument’s sake today) actually controls more of the situation than the man with her willingness to go to levels her own sexual comfort will take her.
If your partner is struggling to overcome his decency and respectfulness, then my advice is to guide him (I guess also, her) by using your own control to create your desired outcome. Instruct him on how you want to be tied up, tell him what it is that makes you feel excited and turned on and guide him through the scene. I think if a man is having difficulty treating the woman he loves in such a fashion, it’s because he is struggling to see her in a perceived situation of “surrendering” to him. When, in fact, if you’re the one taking the lead in setting the scene, you’re the director. Just because you’re tied to the bedposts doesn’t mean the other person is in charge.
Specifically to the person who reached out – start small; have him try tying just your hands above your head with one of his neckties, some moments like that.
And to all my readers – whether it’s a little BDSM, or photography, or sex in the back seat at the drive-in movie: every sexual moment requires amazing communication between you and your partner for it to be a great part of your adventure together.
By no stretch of the imagination am I an expert in sexual psychology, or even at giving professional relationship advice. But the one thing I believe I have a pretty good grasp on, after almost 15 years of sexual exploration and adventure with my husband, is how important fantasies can be to a marriage. Not only do they help connect you on a physical level, but they also play an important role in helping you understand where your partner’s thoughts are when it comes to what gets them going.
Recently, I “forced” my dear husband to open up about his sexual fantasy involving a certain co-worker of his. They have spent the past couple years building a friendship that includes occasional flirtations, innuendo and personal revelations. For him, this has been a major accomplishment, since most of the past several years have been focused solely on my own sexual fantasies – and the pursuit of them.
To hear him talk about his thoughts was an amazing turn-on for me. As I listened to him describing in detail his naughty thoughts about the woman at work, I began to recognize how much I had missed being the one doing the listening. It was one of the best sexual connections we had in many weeks.
And so, as I spent the next couple days quietly enjoying my newly fired-up imagination and visions of him doing some of the naughty things he described to me during sex, I started to think about how much those moments make our connection even stronger.
5 ways sexual fantasies will enhance your marriage
1. They build an emotional connection.
When you open up about your sexual fantasies, you allow yourself to reveal some of your vulnerability. At the same time, you’re also revealing that you are an emotional, thinking sexual creature with desires beyond the “white bread” reality of another wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am roll in the hay. You’re inviting someone into your creative mind, where your desires live … and the passion that drives you as a sexual person.
Sex has the great ability to be both physical and emotional – and personally I find great sex requires that kind of emotional connection where the mind is engaged as much as the body.
Part of me also thinks this could be the big difference in what makes a marriage successful or not. Many couples I know say they barely talk sex, never mind lighting the match of sexual arousal by revealing even deeper thoughts to each other. I wonder how much they must be missing in their lives with each other; plodding along not knowing what makes the other person tick on a sexual level. To be open to sharing on this level, to shed the fear of judgement and embarrassment is extremely liberating.
2. They build a sexual connection.
There are times when couples just don’t seem to be in sync sexually. The multitude of stresses that pull us away from the important things in our life quickly manifest themselves in the bedroom. Sexual fantasies, and the ability to feed your imagination, help overcome those times when you struggle to find the energy and motivation to get busy. By knowing that each of you have certain sexual fantasies, you can draw on those thoughts as a way to enhance and increase arousal.
Sexual fantasies also help you come to terms (and understanding) of your own sexuality. For the longest time I repressed my bisexual curiosities, until I confessed to my husband I had a certain sexual fantasy. That opened the flood gates for me to explore and discover so much about myself – something I probably would have never done, had I not found the courage to open up about it.
3. They serve as insight into your partner’s sexual desires.
My husband will occasionally let me into his private realm of sexual thoughts – when, as mentioned above, he is almost forced into confessing. Not that he is hiding anything from me, but mostly, I’m a very spoiled woman who has been lucky to be married to a man who delights in feeding my sexual fantasies. But that leaves me not always knowing what gets his engine going in those moments when he’s lost in his own head; or sees that woman at work.
Because men and women are very different beasts, knowing what and how your partner’s libido gets fired up helps tremendously in building a strong, healthy relationship.
Hopefully the insight doesn’t lead to anything frightening.
4. They open the door to even better communication.
Hey, let’s be honest – if you can express some of your deepest, most sexually-driven thoughts to your partner, then you can have those easy conversations that seem to bog down a relationship. Sex remains one of our culture’s biggest taboo subjects. Actually talking about it already places you ahead of so many others.
By opening yourself up, and discovering that your fears about being judged and rejected for your sexual thoughts are unfounded, trust and confidence can be built up in the relationship – making it an even stronger union, ready to face the challenges that await a marriage outside of the bedroom. And trust me; most of those are way tougher than talking about stockings, lace and wild threesomes.
5. They bring refreshing heat to the bedroom.
Some people might call it spice, others say creativity … it doesn’t matter how you look at it, sexual fantasies can heighten some of those intimate moments and draw the mind into the act, along with the body. They give you an outlet for that pent up frustration, create a mental playground for raunchy intimacy and, frankly, make us all that much more interesting as individuals and couples.
Sadly, the Internet is rife with more advice on how damaging fantasies can be to a relationship versus offering insight on how to build a more intimate connection with your spouse through understanding what gets them going. Hopefully you can find the way to shun the naysayers and discover your sexual self and your collective kink. When you do, your relationship becomes an amazing adventure unto itself.
The discussion has definitely been about sharing fantasies of late. But someone asked if there was ever a time when a certain fantasy is best kept a secret.
Ok … so why would it work that way, you might ask, when you’ve been trying to encourage people to open up and communicate?
Well, the reality is that sometimes your partner may not be ready to wrap their brain about a certain desire you may have. Maybe they have trust issues (hopefully not). Maybe they’re struggling with issues of jealousy (it happens). Maybe they’re not at the same place sexually as you (it happens, a lot). Maybe there are 100 other reasons why you might want to wait it out a bit and test the waters. No matter what the reasoning may be, when it comes to fantasies, the downfall always seems to be the “devil in the details” part.
Even after 24 years of being together, there are still things that my husband and I are learning about each other. Life experience changes your perspective on your reality and with that, your sexual imagination. I couldn’t tell you what my ideal fantasy was when I was a first-married bride, but it probably had something to do with a very romantic notion that only involved my new husband. Since that time, I have discovered and explored a bisexual side to my personality, dabbled with swinging and shared a highly erotic encounter with a male co-worker while my husband looked on. I would have NEVER told my husband 20 years ago that I wanted to experience something like I did that afternoon.
And don’t kid yourself; there are still fantasies I have that I have not told him.
Fantasies are healthy, and your first challenge is to accept that. And accepting means accepting they are also healthy for the person you are with, no matter the context of their fantasies might be. Having fantasies doesn’t mean you want to break up your marriage and run away with who you are fantasizing about. They simply mean that your libido is working in tune with your imagination. Sharing fantasies in an open-minded and non-judgemental atmosphere helps the whole sexual orchestra play along.
But, without question, it takes time to build up to that level of performance. You can’t just start out on that level – unless you’re one hell of a sexually confident individual dating another hell of a sexually confident individual. Fantasies require trust, just as anything in a close relationship does. And trust takes time. If you don’t have that trust, don’t tempt its boundaries too soon.
Something I started thinking about when I was writing about the importance of sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner was the idea of whether or not some of those fantasies may be a barrier to enhancing intimacy.
In my own mind, I think the vast majority of my fantasies tend to be somewhat “predictable.” I’m not one of those women with outrageous thoughts on wild passionate nights with George Clooney and Brad Pitt (OK, who am I kidding) … rather, I like to believe that the majority of those snippets in my sexual imagination are rooted in realism. Yes, I would love to experience a threesome – but my idea isn’t so defined as it must be with only specific partners. Ultimately, I would love for it to be with my husband and another man – but at the same time, my husband has taught me well enough in this sexual adventure that I could, given the right opportunity, indulge in such an encounter with two men without him being one.
As I started to actually think on all of this, without the content of the fantasies being the key focus, I started to wonder how many women and men out there will not share their sexual thoughts with a partner because they have such a defined requirement of what it is they want. And, perhaps being so tied to those specifics has left them with a sense of fear because they can predict how their partner will react: “You want to do what with my best friend/sibling/co-worker/mechanic?”
And I wonder, with that in mind, if some sexual fantasies might not have a better chance to blossom and become realities (for those you want to actually try out), if you were able to slowly ease your partner’s imagination in that direction? Is it a better path to follow by first sharing the broad plotline before casting all the parts?
Over the past, I’d say, six or seven years as I have slowly grown to recognize that I can share all the sordid details of my sexual fantasies with my husband – names included – that the barrier of fear and reluctance has come down. In fact, I actually think that going beyond the simple “a threesome sounds fun” by including the idea of specific people has helped my husband understand me even more. And I think it’s allowed him to recognize that just because I have sexual thoughts that may not include him as a primary participant it doesn’t mean our relationship isn’t working the way it should. I needed the encouragement to trust and be open, he needed to opportunity to learn to trust and erase jealousy.
For us, it has been healthy. But then, we made it a commitment to grow and discover life together. Maybe the first barrier that needs to come down is the one that prevents people from accepting that life is too short to have hang-ups.