Category Archives: Couples
This is something that came up quite a long time ago, and I’m not sure there’s any more clarity today than there was back then.
When I first disclosed that I considered myself to be bisexual, I was asked what was the one aspect of my sexuality that I understood the least. A challenging question, because I’m not too sure my thoughts on it are about my sexuality, or just plain psychology. Even then, I’m now at the age where experience and confidence play a much bigger role in defining my sexuality.
Most definitely, something I understood the least was my apprehension to be open about it – and just let myself see where the moment would take me.
At the height of those days of discovery, my curiosity drove me the most. My desire to try new things and uncover a different part of myself far outweighed any fear I had. In my mind I wondered why I had been so reluctant. Of course, the answers were all very logical: I was raised in a staunch Catholic house, in a small town where every sin and indiscretion becomes front page news. I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience…but I did have a very supportive and encouraging husband. His confidence in me and our relationship cleared the way.
These days a lot of that is behind me. The circumstances of my life have changed a great deal of the adventure I set out on 17 years ago. The reality of being a mother, wife and career woman became all-encompassing and the availability to explore diminished. It hasn’t changed who I am, but it has pushed me in a different direction.
Is the least understood thing that I’m not sure I will go back down that path … or is it that I’m still feeling very detached from the woman I was not that long ago?
It’s been a while since I wrote anything about a specific sex act. But then again, I did take an extended break of almost two-plus years on writing blog entries as a whole…
Despite the lack of writing, struggling through a roller coaster ride with my libido, work-related stress and planning for a major life upheaval – not a lot changed in my actual sexual routine. OK, you’re right, there was that eight-month separation from my husband when he moved overseas and I waited on my visa. What did change during that period was my masturbation habits increased dramatically, I had some reunions with my sexual fantasies in my head and rediscovered the thrill of cam-to-cam mutual masturbation.
But other than that …
The reunion with my husband after finding creative ways to keep the fires burning hot while on two sides of the world meant there was definitely some serious catching up on the sexual agenda. Cutting to the chase, that meant two things – lots of intercourse … and oral.
Oral for me has been a long-time delight, both receiving and giving. It was one of the very first sex acts I ever performed, but it wasn’t until I attended a workshop in my mid-20s that it became something of a specialty. I have blogged about that before, but in a nutshell – my radio-personality friend thought one of those “Drive Your Man Wild in Bed” seminars would make for great material, invited me along … she got some fun stuff for her show, I came away truly enlightened and anxious to try. My husband describes it to this day as the best-ever investment he’s ever made (he paid for my ticket to the event so I wouldn’t chicken out).
Blowjobs have been a staple in our sexual relationship – but despite the frequency and ‘willingness’ on my behalf to ‘go down’ – the end result is still somewhat predictable. If I’m not taking him too far, I’m switching up the moment to include intercourse.
So then, someone asked … “do you always swallow, or do you let him cum on your face or tits?”
I wrote about this in the past too – but, you know, talking about sex, blowjobs, stuff like that, is something that I do anyway, so revisiting the whole topic is yet another wonderful distraction in our world gone mad.
Facials – when the man cums on the woman’s face – isn’t something that has been a big part of my personal sexual repetoire. Well, unless you count chin dribbles. And it’s not because of anything deep-rooted in my sexual psyche; it’s actually because I rather like having a man cum in my mouth. You know, I’ve worked that hard to tempt, tease and drive him to the point of no return for his orgasm, I kind of want to enjoy the ‘fruits of my labour’ so to speak.
On occasion, I admit that it can be outrageously exciting to let him unload on me. As a sexual woman, I do find it exciting to watch a man’s moment of release. To see, somewhat up close, his peak moment of pleasure. However, there is some need to be cautious about exactly where some of that lands. Pepper spray is less painful in the eye than cum … just sayin’.
That said, it also took me a while, and a bit of sexual maturity, to arrive at a point in my life where I’ve gotten over the ‘grossness’ of swallowing a man’s cum. For some women, that’s the biggest hurdle in taking a man to completion. I saw the results of a sex survey a while back that said only about nine per cent of women would finish a man off with her mouth … which made a lot of sense to me.
It’s hard to describe the experience of having a man cum in your mouth to someone who has never had the experience. No matter how much warning he gives you, it’s still a surprise when that hot cum spurts onto your tongue, against the back of your mouth … onto your tonsils and back of your throat. If it’s been a while since he’s had an orgasm, that can add a new dimension to fighting the gag reflex! It’s exciting … unique … different every time.
It’s also a little addictive to me. I love the sense of power. Lots of people think a woman giving a blowjob is an act of submission. Trust me, when I have a man in my mouth, hard, horny and anxious for completion … I know who is in control.
A man’s ‘flavour’ is a constantly changing part of the experience too. And each man is different from the next. I can usually tell when my husband has been indulging in certain foods (beers, vegetables and fruits being the most frequent causes of his taste) – and there’s only a smackeral of truth to how some foods will make you taste better, guys. Only a small smackeral; it’s still cum, and it’s still not a gourmet feast.
Something I can say as I explore this world of sex in my 40s … the experience I have gained is making things like this far more interesting than they were in my 20s.
Recently I was reading a bunch of different “relationship” questions in an effort to boost my creative juices for writing on my blog. The one topic that seemed to surface repeatedly was the one of “what makes a relationship successful.”
Now, I can only reflect on this from my own perspective, but I think that having a marriage edging towards its 26th year, and a committed relationship with the same man for almost 30, there may be an idea of two on what that key element is.
For me, the easiest quality required for a successful relationship – sexual or not – is kindness. Without kindness, I personally believe there isn’t a very solid foundation for a relationship to stand on. And in kindness, I also mean mutual respect. It’s a sharing of compassion, consideration and openness without judgement.
Any relationship with longevity also relies on very open and honest communication. You have to recognize that you’re co-existing on a most intimate level when you’re in a long term union. You need to have the ability, vulnerability and confidence to share at a level you don’t in any other relationship in your life. It takes a high degree of courage to invite someone so deeply into your inner thoughts – your hopes, dreams and desires. And, of course, your sexual kinks and quirks.
And that’s a very big part of it for me – having the connection, trust, intimacy – but also the sexual honesty. At some point, you need to invite a partner into what makes you tick; what is that truly turns you on. To get there, you need to be able to communicate on a level that is unique.
In my own relationship, it was those conversations that allowed me to emerge from my small-town naivete and recognize that there was a whole other sexual world to be explored.
But here’s a strange thing about being sexually adventurous when you’re in a marriage (well, at any point really, relationship or not): every adventure has an element of failure. When something goes ‘wrong’ – that fantasy doesn’t work out quite the way you pictured it in your mind – it can be soul-crushing. But when you have a strong connection and can talk about things, you are able to see it in a much different light. It becomes less of a ‘failure to launch’ and more of a ‘OK, we tried. What’s next?’ It’s far easier on the ego when you can communicate about your disappointment / fear / dislike / love for something explored.
It’s been a while since I found myself in a position of discovering something new sexually. I think my long break in updating my blog is a pretty accurate clue as to the fact nothing new has been happening on that front.
It’s something I’ve had a number of conversations about over the years – online and in person:
Why sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think …
As sexual beings, we’re driven by our needs for intimacy and intercourse. On a base level, it’s a natural act of procreation … on an emotional level it’s an act of validation and humanity. And while most of us go about our business within the defined societal rules for sexual interaction, there’s always that thought in the back of your mind about pushing the limits. I’m not talking about breaking laws here … or even breaking hearts. But there are those thoughts that drive our desires for discovering something new.
Quite simply, it’s the fear of the unknown.
It doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was a pretty average, monogamous woman content with her marriage and sex life. I came into my relationship with limited sexual experience and no designs on taking it to any outrageous heights. I was a little naïve and I was happy just getting laid.
I’ve said before that if it wasn’t for my husband, I probably would have never tried anything close to what I have in life – and you certainly wouldn’t even be reading about it. I would still be that girl being happy she was getting laid.
Thankfully, and lovingly, he has pushed me to try new things and new experiences. He showed me that there really is an awful lot more in life than just being happy getting laid.
When I first began to embrace the idea of adding a new degree of spark to my marriage, I absolutely had an enormous amount of fear. I was afraid that we may “go too far” and “what if we do something that affects our relationship”. Jealousy, infidelity … talent and ability; all of that crossed my mind in the many conversations we had in the beginning. I really struggled with the idea that we may cross a line that we couldn’t erase.
But I was hooked on the idea. I was hooked on the idea that I could be happy being the girl who was more than just getting laid.
And after finding the momentary bravery – often fuelled by a hint of liquid courage – I immersed myself in those experiences without trying to think ahead. And what I soon discovered was that the fear of even beginning was way bigger than any of the “fallout” after the fact.
In fact, I soon figured out that one of the easiest ways to overcome the doubt was the orgasmic release that resulted from the encounters. The bigger challenge wasn’t living in the moment and enjoying the sexually-charged atmosphere – it was trying to not over-think the experience.
By the time you get to the point where intimacy is going to be a reality, you’ve already made up your mind that there’s enough curiosity, desire and chemistry for something to happen.
As people, I think once we venture into a moment of sensuality, the feelings of intimacy begin to take over. That soft kiss on the thigh begins to draw out a stronger sense of desire, which in turn, takes your mind away from your doubts. By the time you feel the hot breath of a new partner on your body, and tongues and fingers in places only your husband has been … you’ve begun to discover there’s not a lot to be feared.
To discover that you like sex just for the sake of having sex is liberating; to discover you like the taste of another woman and the softness of her kisses erases a lifetime of sexual repression. Of course, it doesn’t mean your love and ability to maintain intimacy with your partner has been replaced. It means you’ve figured out a way to overcome doubt and the human emotions of fear and jealousy. It means you defeated someone else’s standards for how you should experience pleasure.
That’s probably why the realization of sexual discoveries isn’t as big a deal as you think it is. Sex is good, sometimes really, really good … but it’s still sex. Fear and doubt, though, those are much more difficult to embrace. Letting go of feeling like you need to live according to how society dictates you should, that’s monumental.
Sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think, once you get there.
I heard the other that an organization in Hollywood is asking producers to change how they conduct auditions with actresses, obviously a direct result of the #metoo campaign.
Without question, the dynamics of how we relate to each other on a sexual level has been changed by the #metoo movement.
I don’t necessarily mean “sexual” as in “sex” … but it has certainly changed the relationship between men and women. There’s a great deal more caution in the workplace, and I’ve noticed a lot of conversations have become more guarded than they ever were. The flirtations have vanished; the innuendo, squashed …
It’s somewhat disappointing on a personal level. On here, or in my real life, I’ve never made it a secret that I enjoy flirting. I enjoy the mating dance between the sexes, and I enjoy the notion that someone may find me sexually attractive. I’ve said it before; those little nuances – the glances, the winks, the smiles, the attention – provide me with a sense of validation as a woman. Yes, love me for my brain … but don’t stifle the lust you might harbour for my company and my body.
As a woman, I have very mixed feelings about the campaign and how it has morphed from putting an end to sexual exploitation in Hollywood and politics to, dare I say it, a bit of a tornado of gender politics. I realize that is a contentious position to take, especially as a woman. We’ve seen examples of people being accused (let’s cut to the chase – men being accused) of sexual harassment and assault when something on a date went awry. And while the truth of harassment might exist in many of the cases brought forward, there are others where it is nothing more than vengeance.
Some are calling that “collateral damage” … which is outrageously unfair to the innocent lives affected by the accusations. Women who speak out against the #metoo accusers are met with this new strategy of shouting you down … bullying of sorts, and demanding they surrender their “woman card” because they’re obviously not part of the sisterhood.
Misogyny exists. Yes, I have also had my share of “creepy” moments – but I’ve never let that define me. I’ve never felt inspired to whip up a protest placard and march on the streets (Full disclosure, I’m not that motivated anyway). I’ve had to endure awkwardness in the workplace, sexual commentary that bordered on obscene, harassment online and full-on assumptions about my sexual availability for cash simply because I have a naughty hobby. I still receive dozens of unsolicited dick pics, meeting requests and uncensored commentary on what they would like to do to me as an object, as opposed to a person with an intellect.
Men have tried to “exert” their position of power over me, unsuccessfully. At the same time, I’ve often admitted to using my own feminine wiles and charms to advance my own devious distractions and amusement.
In actuality, I feel less safe walking at night than I do in a workplace full of horny men. But that uneasy feeling existed long before Hollywood celebrities started falling from grace. I don’t chalk that up to workplace misogyny. Women have felt that fear for decades, and it’s about a much different and darker kind of gender power if you ask me.
But all that hasn’t turned me against the idea that men and women can relate, can have fun – and that we all should own some responsibility in how we behave. It hasn’t made me anti-man.
As we seen in the #metoo debate, there are many sides to an argument. We’ve seen questionable behaviour from men AND from women in regard to exerting sexual power over another. Judgement has occasionally been lacking, common decency in short supply and mutual respect almost nil.
The dynamics of how we all now relate has been altered forever by this activism and staunch side-taking. We’ve lost the subtle nuances of the flirting, and made relationships that much more difficult.
Yes, it’s easy for me to sit here and hold these opinions, not really having had such “casting couch” experiences – but at the same time, as a mother of two young men, it terrifies me to think their future could be compromised because a spiteful and emboldened young lady didn’t like the lobster bisque.