Category Archives: Sex
My teenage son introduced me to a new term recently – “pork roasting”. Now, I like to think that I’m fairly up-to-date on sexual language, particularly the descriptive slang, but this was a new one to me. Of course, I pretty much had the idea in mind of what he meant, but in good mom mode, I played dumb and had him explain it to me.
In a threesome including one woman and two men, the act of having the girl perform fellatio on one man, and being penetrated doggy style by the other man. Seems like a relatively common threesome-type sexual position.
In my world, this is more often referred to as an Eiffel Tower (oh, those French!). And I don’t mind admitting (for the umpteenth time), it’s one of my biggest personal fantasies.
The catch with the “pork roast” though, as I discovered later, was that this term is actually less about sexual conquest and experimentation and more about a description of the woman involved. It’s really kind of derogatory. But it gave me a little insight into the sexual mindset of teenagers today. They’re far more sexually open that I ever was (cue the “why, when I was a kid” soundtrack), and far more willing to share among their peer group without the prerequisite commitment to a relationship … or their parents’ idea of sexual exclusivity.
Of course, that’s an assumption based on my own exposure to the culture my own children exist within. I have no doubt somewhere out there, statistics exist to prove me wrong.
What was truly intriguing about the conversation was that, although I have no fondness for the young female in the alleged “pork roast” my son was telling me about – I couldn’t help think back to my days in high school. How many girls had a reputation based on rumour as opposed to fact…
Well, it’s been a long time since I played TMI Tuesday, but this was a fun set of questions. And while sex shouldn’t be all that bad, truth be told, sometimes things just don’t work out as planned … and the results are less than satisfying.
Have you ever had bad sex? Why do you think it was bad?
Before proceeding to the next question, which explains a bit more in detail about the “bad sex” moment I recall best … I can say that MOST of the sex I had with my first boyfriend with whom I had sex, was bad sex. He didn’t get the concept … maybe it was because he was young and inexperienced, or maybe it was just because he was getting bad advice from a bunch of male friends who probably lost their virginity to the barn goat. But it wasn’t good sex. Obviously the relationship didn’t last very long.
Have you ever given bad sex? Why did that happen?
Well, let’s see … I’ve been sexually active since I was 15. I’m now 42. Yep, pretty sure there has been some bad sex in there beyond the answer above. But knowing you’ll want some examples, I’ll offer up this little gem that my husband likes to remind me of – way back when we were dating, we went to his office Christmas party. I had a wee bit too much to drink, and he wanted a little piece of action before bed. I had dressed up all nice and sexy for him, including ditching my panties about halfway through the night, and flirted and teased him like mad … so he was pretty anxious to get laid. Back at his place, things started off pretty good, but I was so drunk I passed out halfway through. He rolled me over and decided this night would be a good night to get some anal. Apparently I was a relatively enthusiastic participant. But I openly admit, it serves me right …
What instantly puts you in a bad mood?
Guilt. Anyone who tried to guilt me into action immediately pisses me off. This includes performing certain sex acts, such as oral or (as above) anal when I’m just not in the mood.
Have you been hurt during a sex? What was the activity? How were you hurt or injured?
Nothing that has left scarring, if that’s what you mean. But, I am a bit of a willing partner when it comes to sexual adventure. One of my dildos – which is truly not meant for a reluctant participant in anal sex to use as a substitute dick while trying to explore the sensation of a threesome – left my backdoor very, very sore and tender for a few days; although it felt amazing at the time. Also, my first introduction to Ben Wa balls left me with a bruised vagina. I haven’t tried them since.
During sex, what instantly turns you off?
The sound of children at the bedroom door …
Bad sex – is there really such a thing?
Yes, sadly there is. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t bubbling and the flames of passion are more like puffs of road dust. When it’s that, you need to call it off and resort to a reliable ol’ friend from the nightstand to get you off.
Bonus: Biting during sex…
- do you like it?
- do you do it?
Neither. I’ve never been a biter, nor am I really into it. Biting leaves marks … I’m too old to explain hickeys and bite marks to inquisitive teenagers in the house.
There’s always that nagging little voice in the back of a lot of people’s heads that says “you probably shouldn’t…”
I first wrote about this very idea some five years ago … and at a time when it seems my imagination was much more on fire. Ah, how time and life conspire against us to quell the naughtiness. That and a house full of inquisitive teenage boys.
Actually, I don’t think that my opinion on sharing fantasies has changed – and I’m not even sure my own fantasies have changed…much. Maybe some have become tainted with a bit too much reality, but that isn’t to say I’ve given up on them.
More of what I think these days is around the opportunity to share those thoughts and ideas. For me, it’s easy to be more open minded and sexually astute when my libido is high. But when life turns and you struggle to even find brief moments of intimacy in a spinning schedule, it can be a challenge to “feel” the fantasy, never mind talk about it. When your days are murky with work stresses and the routine of raising a family, etc., it’s hard to get in the creative mood.
I think that’s also why things slowed down with this blog…it’s hard to keep the focus on those sexually intriguing aspects of life when your mind is bogged down with the mundane.
So, in a way, it becomes even more important to make the most of the opportunities when they do arise – and keeping the commitment to “life-long, marriage-strong” communication.
Communication is what will keep things on track for when those doors open again. And, by understanding what continues to inspire each others’ imagination is key to keeping the marriage alive during these busy, mind-numbing real-life slumps.
The caution, of course, is in how those fantasies may be interpreted. If life is so busy you can’t connect as a couple, will the other person see you sexual distractions as a sign of infidelity/boredom/need to break away? How do you achieve that balance? That’s a really good question – and I’d love to hear your ideas.
Of course, I’m not the most perfect example of following my own advice. I think if you asked my husband today about my sexual fantasies he would, at least, be able to give Version 1.0. The updates, maybe not so much at the moment.
My friend, Miles, shared this article with me that appeared in a trashy women’s magazine – you know, the one that considers “How to please your man in bed” and “Keep him interested with this month’s sex tips” to be journalism. However, that said, occasionally they do have articles worth reading.
The article my friend shared was a personal perspective from a fairly well-known ‘amateur’ Internet model about how it feels to pose naked. Obviously, I was intrigued; because as someone who does that kind of thing every now and then, I like to discover what others think of the act.
While the piece was well-written, and described how this particular model set out to find photographers, locations and themes, it didn’t really cover the reality that many of us in the amateur porn business share. Her experience was more of a self-directed Playboy lifestyle as opposed to the challenges that those of us who have amateur adult websites truly face. Most of us don’t have the ability/freedom/social condition that allows us to become a somewhat low-grade pin-up girl. “Amateur” to a lot of our fans truly means no $1,000 lighting, make-up artists, costume designers and pimped out hot rods or Harleys to sprawl over. And for the money most of us actually do make, we’re not exactly liquid enough to pay the crew.
And then there is the emotional side. I would never recommend this adventure to anyone; it must be an absolutely individual choice. It’s not like trying a new restaurant – it’s a “you can never take it back” exploit. The writer described her experience of one with almost romantic nuances. She missed out on the constant fear of being outted: the impact it may have on your career, you children and your marriage. Not to mention the guilt that still surfaces even after 13 years of posing naked.
However, it was interesting to read how she discovered that there are fetishes for just about every taste – but she didn’t expand on how vile some of them can be. Instead, she chose to expand on how she found herself gravitating to foot fetish crowd. It’s a fairly safe fetish community, same with the guys who love pantyhose, wet clothing, etc. Some fetishes are playful, fun and curious. She failed to mention the ones where guys want us to shit and piss in our panties and spread it all over, or the female pedophilia, incest and ‘pretend’ snuff.
The more prevalent experience that those of us in the amateur porn business face isn’t close to her “New York glamour.” We cope with online harassment almost daily, disgusting requests for things I would never have ever imagined could be sexually stimulating, fraud, copyright infringement and judgement. A lot of that aspect of being an amateur model is why I rarely bother with email anymore. I prefer the succinctness of Twitter – and its ability to block the offensive from my life.
The wives and girlfriends can be fun too. I’ve written before about how I’ve been threatened, accused of causing divorce and being a homewrecker … all because their partner happened to enjoy my photos and videos. At first, it took me by surprise. But over time I learned to laugh at it and recognize there are bigger issues in those relationships than a few images of me in lingerie left on someone’s hard drive.
Most of us accept what comes our way as the cost of pursuing something we find titillating and exciting. But I don’t think a lot of us ever consider the real cost of what it means to our lives; and those around us. Not that they would, but because of my hobby, no one in my family could ever pursue a political career.
When you get into amateur porn, you also have to become well-versed in copyright laws. It doesn’t take long to discover your photos will appear everywhere on the Internet, almost exclusively without permission. I’m fortunate in being part of the Southern Charms community in that we have a very aggressive copyright infringement team and seasoned lawyers to minimize the impact; but you can never stop it all. Sites like Tumblr, Blogger and the multitude of discussion boards, torrents, rapid share, etc. make it extremely difficult to protect your image and brand from theft.
That’s the primary reason why I stopped participating in online chats. Although I enjoyed connecting with the guys online, and having some time to be someone other than a Mom, wife and career woman, it just became easier to stop altogether and tell people “if you’re talking to ‘Andee’ you’re not talking to the real me.”
I would have never imagined there would be people out there who would want to pretend to be me and mislead guys into cybering/chatting/picture sharing/etc.
But there is … and they do. Still.
So, nice little rant to refresh my blog with … but let me end with this: while I rant about the content behind the article, I admire the writer for sharing it. Whether you have wonderful success as a professional ‘amateur’ model like her, or are the lowly wife-looking-to-spice-it-up like me, it takes a lot of courage to pose naked. You life changes immediately – and in ways you may not be considering as you roll your panties down over your knees for the first time on camera.
But, make no mistake, I chose to do this – and have to accept the bad that comes with the good.
Consider this for a moment, you’re on the brink of your sexual peak and there’s an incredible world of orgasmic opportunity awaiting you; what’s the best advice you’ve received?
It’s an interesting question, because most of us may not truly recognize that the best advice is the best advice. Our friends tell us to “experiment” … which isn’t a bad thing. Our mothers tell us to “wait until you’re married” … which may not be a bad thing for some people. If you’re Catholic, the church tells us “you’ll go to hell” … which some of us (OK, maybe just me) already have reserved seating anyway.
The reality is, for as many of us participating in a healthy sexual lifestyle, there are just as many tidbits of good advice to be heeded.
The whole idea of best sex advice came about during a radio program I was recently listening to, where the hosts invited people to call in and share (within broadcastable reason) the things they had been told. Pretty much all of the above was covered, along with a few other funny ones – but I didn’t hear the one thing that I wished someone would have told me way back when:
Don’t be surprised if your sexual tastes change.
It’s really a simple idea, when you get right down to it. Much like our appetite for food, drink and music (among many other things) our sexual interests are going to evolve as we get older and gain more experience. But very few people seem to be open about the idea of “what you like now may not be what you like later.”
As girls, we certainly hear the “it gets better” about traditional intercourse; mostly because the experience of losing our virginity is: a) somewhat painful/uncomfortable and b) often very, very bad sex with a teenage boy way too anxious to notch his bedpost and tell his friends.
For me, as I have mentioned in my blog before, I spent the first decade of my sexual maturity (I’m pegging 16 as the start date for that, just sayin’) repressing certain desires/interests/thoughts. As a young adult, even moving into my early 20s, I would have never admitted that I was curious about women. And the same goes for exploring outside the bounds of conventional monogamy.
The surprise for me was the meeting and marriage to a man who would stand behind me to allow all of that to come out freely. I have also said before that had it not been for meeting my husband, there is a whole world of sexual exploration that would have never happened.
And no one tells you that is the way it’s supposed to be. No one seems to tell you that you are allowed to have desires/interests/thoughts of your own – and there is nothing wrong with them. Too many people seem to fall into the trap of “this is the way it is, and the way it’s supposed to be.” Thankfully I escaped that fate.
Because of the openness and support, I have been allowed to discover what I like and I what I don’t. My sexual tastes have been allowed to evolve as they should – and pave the path to many more yet to come. At 40, my sexual tastes are far more wonderful than they were at 20.
So, don’t be surprised if your sexual tastes change – and don’t let someone else prevent them from doing so.