Let me preface this by saying, I had a really fun time exploring during our seven years in the “lifestyle.”
I also don’t have any issue with people who choose to explore it.
I was reading the other day, and someone had said they wanted to explore the swinging community after having watched a few episodes of the old Playboy TV show “Swingers.”
I wish that “experts” on the swinging lifestyle would be more honest about it.
The biggest challenge I’ve had in my sexual adventure is keeping my expectations grounded.
Fantasies, because they live inside our head, don’t have restrictions beyond our imagination. They can be as wild, twisted, delicious or scandalous as we want – because there are no boundaries to keep them contained. It’s only when we roll them out do we encounter the confines of societal mores.
The challenge, should you want to attempt to turn a fantasy into a reality, is keeping your expectations in check and realizing there may be a few honest obstacles to prevent them from being perfect.
When my husband and I began to explore some of our own, the tough part wasn’t in what we wanted to try – it was working through the fantasy and making sure we had an open mind. For example, if your fantasy is to have a threesome, the reality is that sex among three people is complicated … very complicated. It’s not tidy, it’s not coordinated, rarely does it go according to how you imagined – and you need to constantly ensure all three people are enjoying the moment.
A lot of people struggle with the notion of keeping two people in sync, never mind an extra.
We never truly hit my threesome fantasy. We had a two-and-a-half … it was a lot of fun, but still wasn’t the threesome that played out in my head.
We also had a couple of foursomes, which was very complicated and awkward … although outrageously hot. Those experiences didn’t quite play out the way I had pictured either, but because we had committed to keeping an open mind (and being very expressive about our own limitations), they were thoroughly enjoyable.
I best described it, afterwards to my husband, as this: “let’s be honest, you really won’t know what you’re willing to do, or try, until you have that other guy’s cock in your hand (or mouth … or his mouth between your legs).”
You can talk at length about wanting to experience full partner swap, you can imagine it a dozen different ways … but until you’re actually in the heat of the moment, you can predict how things will really play out.
If you don’t want your fantasies to suck … you’ve got to let them unwind in their own realistic way, and keep an open mind as you go.
If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll likely have noticed a couple ‘cryptic’ tweets over the past couple days about making a big change in my life. And, so, to put an end to the speculation …
I’ve made a bucket list decision to train to enter a fitness competition. Yes, the physique competitions for women, micro-bikini and five-inch heels and all that jazz.
I don’t anticipate this is going to be more than a one-time experience, given how much I actually hate working out. I’m also at a point where I really feel the need to make a significant change in my approach to my health and overall body image.
It’s going to be a journey … but I’m also seeing it as a crucial one.
My husband, who has agreed to join me in this self-torture as support, jokes that most midlife crises involve convertibles, motorcycles or adventure travel, not kettle bells and protein shakes. But I don’t necessarily see this a midlife crisis – especially when I know what the end result will be; being healthier and looking better, feeling good about myself. I already have the motorcycle and a convertible isn’t as practical around these parts as one might like to think.
So, anyway … I’ll likely continue to share my progress (and misery) along the way.
Interesting results from an online poll I discovered while surfing the Internet this morning. The survey, albeit not scientific by any means, was asking husbands to pick how many men they would like to watch their wives have sex with.
Over 43% of those responding said they’d like a decent crowd – 4+ men pleasuring their wives.
In this house, the topic of such an event has been at the root of many wonderful and steamy sexual moments between my husband and I. As a couple, we’ve worked hard to reach a point where – in the heat of the moment – we can share some of our naughtiest thoughts and fantasies. It’s something that helps raise the level of passion, but also allows us those moments of critical vulnerability needed to foster intimacy.
But as a couple, we’ve also invested a great deal of effort, understanding and conversation around those fantasies and desires. And like many couples in long-term relationships, it’s allowed us to know each other better – because, let’s be honest, everyone changes as they mature; and so do your fantasies and willingness for experimentation.
The curious confession I need to make – the scenario of me with other men has always been his idea. For many years, both before marriage and into the early years of it, I never imagined myself in such a situation. It’s not something I ever brought up uninitiated. My sexual fantasies have always focused on a less crowded scenario.
Even when we dipped our toes into the swinging lifestyle for a few years, it wasn’t about me exclusively with others; it was a partnership in sexual discovery. If it was happening to me, it had to be reciprocal for my husband.
There’s a lot of science – honest and junk – that suggests reasons for why men have this notion of their wives engaging in sex with other men. Often the focus is around sperm competition and our ancient instincts for breeding. Lately, with the aggressive nature of politics in the US, there’s been a heightening of attention around the idea of “cuckolding” as a power game.
In my world, with no scientific elements, the notion of me having sex with other men has been a singular factor according to my husband: “I just want to see you in that moment of incredible sexual pleasure.”
I’ve always found it odd that he doesn’t want anything out of it for himself. I challenge him, with “and what’s in it for you?”
“I get to watch you at the height of sexual indulgence,” he says. It still confuses me, but I’ve learned now to just enjoy and appreciate that he wants that for me – especially when I hear from girlfriends about the selfish nature of their spouses.
So, you’re asking, where do I end up on all of this? If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you’ll know “one” has fit into most of where I’ve been at since my sexual adventure began. And while I’m not sure I’m quite the girl for a bukkake Friday night, given the passage of time, the evolution of my sexual experience and growth of my fantasies … I’m absolutely game to let my husband sit in his corner (camera in hand) and let me lose myself at the hands and hardness of two sexy men on a mission to send me into orgasmic nirvana.
Not to mention, I’ve kind of grown to like that idea of being the cross-strut in my own human rendering of the Eiffel Tower.
For almost as long as I’ve been writing for you, and doing my little social media thing, I’ve advocated the importance of communication in relationships. I’ve encouraged anyone who follows me on here to work on improving how they talk to their partner, and what to talk about. Hopefully it’s helped; and I love hearing/reading/seeing the questions that still find their way to me.
How do you feel about fantasies that involve someone other than your partner?
Well, if you look back at most of what I’ve shared about my sexual fantasies, you’ll see that pretty much all of my fantasies involve someone other than my husband. From my journal-type entries here through to my erotica collections, there’s not an awful lot about my husband.
Does that mean I don’t fantasize about him? Not at all. I do … a lot. But my fantasies that are strictly about my husband are kind of boring in comparison to some of the others. Well, at least maybe boring for you. Those fantasies are probably closer to daydreams, fond memories of recent sexual moments or distracted thoughts to beat back the mundane part of the day.
What may stand out as different from other women though, is that I’m very open with him about my fantasies that don’t include him. He knows about all those naughty thoughts that go through my mind, in very intimate detail. More times than not, sharing those fantasies with him has benefited me in some rather orgasmic ways.
The reality is, all of us have fantasies that involve other people. Some may be just simple passing thoughts on the subway or at the office when we see someone attractive, others may be incredibly more complex. I have both kinds.
The difficult part is being vulnerable enough with your partner to share your fantasies – and to have a relationship based on trust and love. We’ve worked hard to create a marriage where we can talk to each other and expose our deepest, sometimes darkest, thoughts without judging.
As a “people person” I’m intrigued by others. I love to watch people, I love to use my imagination … and I love to let my imagination cross boundaries quite a bit. Because, after all, it is just my imagination. It’s not real action, infidelity or … these days … a swinging lifestyle.
In my opinion, having fantasies about other people is very normal.