Category Archives: Bisexual
This is something that came up quite a long time ago, and I’m not sure there’s any more clarity today than there was back then.
When I first disclosed that I considered myself to be bisexual, I was asked what was the one aspect of my sexuality that I understood the least. A challenging question, because I’m not too sure my thoughts on it are about my sexuality, or just plain psychology. Even then, I’m now at the age where experience and confidence play a much bigger role in defining my sexuality.
Most definitely, something I understood the least was my apprehension to be open about it – and just let myself see where the moment would take me.
At the height of those days of discovery, my curiosity drove me the most. My desire to try new things and uncover a different part of myself far outweighed any fear I had. In my mind I wondered why I had been so reluctant. Of course, the answers were all very logical: I was raised in a staunch Catholic house, in a small town where every sin and indiscretion becomes front page news. I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience…but I did have a very supportive and encouraging husband. His confidence in me and our relationship cleared the way.
These days a lot of that is behind me. The circumstances of my life have changed a great deal of the adventure I set out on 17 years ago. The reality of being a mother, wife and career woman became all-encompassing and the availability to explore diminished. It hasn’t changed who I am, but it has pushed me in a different direction.
Is the least understood thing that I’m not sure I will go back down that path … or is it that I’m still feeling very detached from the woman I was not that long ago?
By no stretch of the imagination am I an expert in sexual psychology, or even at giving professional relationship advice. But the one thing I believe I have a pretty good grasp on, after almost 15 years of sexual exploration and adventure with my husband, is how important fantasies can be to a marriage. Not only do they help connect you on a physical level, but they also play an important role in helping you understand where your partner’s thoughts are when it comes to what gets them going.
Recently, I “forced” my dear husband to open up about his sexual fantasy involving a certain co-worker of his. They have spent the past couple years building a friendship that includes occasional flirtations, innuendo and personal revelations. For him, this has been a major accomplishment, since most of the past several years have been focused solely on my own sexual fantasies – and the pursuit of them.
To hear him talk about his thoughts was an amazing turn-on for me. As I listened to him describing in detail his naughty thoughts about the woman at work, I began to recognize how much I had missed being the one doing the listening. It was one of the best sexual connections we had in many weeks.
And so, as I spent the next couple days quietly enjoying my newly fired-up imagination and visions of him doing some of the naughty things he described to me during sex, I started to think about how much those moments make our connection even stronger.
5 ways sexual fantasies will enhance your marriage
1. They build an emotional connection.
When you open up about your sexual fantasies, you allow yourself to reveal some of your vulnerability. At the same time, you’re also revealing that you are an emotional, thinking sexual creature with desires beyond the “white bread” reality of another wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am roll in the hay. You’re inviting someone into your creative mind, where your desires live … and the passion that drives you as a sexual person.
Sex has the great ability to be both physical and emotional – and personally I find great sex requires that kind of emotional connection where the mind is engaged as much as the body.
Part of me also thinks this could be the big difference in what makes a marriage successful or not. Many couples I know say they barely talk sex, never mind lighting the match of sexual arousal by revealing even deeper thoughts to each other. I wonder how much they must be missing in their lives with each other; plodding along not knowing what makes the other person tick on a sexual level. To be open to sharing on this level, to shed the fear of judgement and embarrassment is extremely liberating.
2. They build a sexual connection.
There are times when couples just don’t seem to be in sync sexually. The multitude of stresses that pull us away from the important things in our life quickly manifest themselves in the bedroom. Sexual fantasies, and the ability to feed your imagination, help overcome those times when you struggle to find the energy and motivation to get busy. By knowing that each of you have certain sexual fantasies, you can draw on those thoughts as a way to enhance and increase arousal.
Sexual fantasies also help you come to terms (and understanding) of your own sexuality. For the longest time I repressed my bisexual curiosities, until I confessed to my husband I had a certain sexual fantasy. That opened the flood gates for me to explore and discover so much about myself – something I probably would have never done, had I not found the courage to open up about it.
3. They serve as insight into your partner’s sexual desires.
My husband will occasionally let me into his private realm of sexual thoughts – when, as mentioned above, he is almost forced into confessing. Not that he is hiding anything from me, but mostly, I’m a very spoiled woman who has been lucky to be married to a man who delights in feeding my sexual fantasies. But that leaves me not always knowing what gets his engine going in those moments when he’s lost in his own head; or sees that woman at work.
Because men and women are very different beasts, knowing what and how your partner’s libido gets fired up helps tremendously in building a strong, healthy relationship.
Hopefully the insight doesn’t lead to anything frightening.
4. They open the door to even better communication.
Hey, let’s be honest – if you can express some of your deepest, most sexually-driven thoughts to your partner, then you can have those easy conversations that seem to bog down a relationship. Sex remains one of our culture’s biggest taboo subjects. Actually talking about it already places you ahead of so many others.
By opening yourself up, and discovering that your fears about being judged and rejected for your sexual thoughts are unfounded, trust and confidence can be built up in the relationship – making it an even stronger union, ready to face the challenges that await a marriage outside of the bedroom. And trust me; most of those are way tougher than talking about stockings, lace and wild threesomes.
5. They bring refreshing heat to the bedroom.
Some people might call it spice, others say creativity … it doesn’t matter how you look at it, sexual fantasies can heighten some of those intimate moments and draw the mind into the act, along with the body. They give you an outlet for that pent up frustration, create a mental playground for raunchy intimacy and, frankly, make us all that much more interesting as individuals and couples.
Sadly, the Internet is rife with more advice on how damaging fantasies can be to a relationship versus offering insight on how to build a more intimate connection with your spouse through understanding what gets them going. Hopefully you can find the way to shun the naysayers and discover your sexual self and your collective kink. When you do, your relationship becomes an amazing adventure unto itself.
The discussion has definitely been about sharing fantasies of late. But someone asked if there was ever a time when a certain fantasy is best kept a secret.
Ok … so why would it work that way, you might ask, when you’ve been trying to encourage people to open up and communicate?
Well, the reality is that sometimes your partner may not be ready to wrap their brain about a certain desire you may have. Maybe they have trust issues (hopefully not). Maybe they’re struggling with issues of jealousy (it happens). Maybe they’re not at the same place sexually as you (it happens, a lot). Maybe there are 100 other reasons why you might want to wait it out a bit and test the waters. No matter what the reasoning may be, when it comes to fantasies, the downfall always seems to be the “devil in the details” part.
Even after 24 years of being together, there are still things that my husband and I are learning about each other. Life experience changes your perspective on your reality and with that, your sexual imagination. I couldn’t tell you what my ideal fantasy was when I was a first-married bride, but it probably had something to do with a very romantic notion that only involved my new husband. Since that time, I have discovered and explored a bisexual side to my personality, dabbled with swinging and shared a highly erotic encounter with a male co-worker while my husband looked on. I would have NEVER told my husband 20 years ago that I wanted to experience something like I did that afternoon.
And don’t kid yourself; there are still fantasies I have that I have not told him.
Fantasies are healthy, and your first challenge is to accept that. And accepting means accepting they are also healthy for the person you are with, no matter the context of their fantasies might be. Having fantasies doesn’t mean you want to break up your marriage and run away with who you are fantasizing about. They simply mean that your libido is working in tune with your imagination. Sharing fantasies in an open-minded and non-judgemental atmosphere helps the whole sexual orchestra play along.
But, without question, it takes time to build up to that level of performance. You can’t just start out on that level – unless you’re one hell of a sexually confident individual dating another hell of a sexually confident individual. Fantasies require trust, just as anything in a close relationship does. And trust takes time. If you don’t have that trust, don’t tempt its boundaries too soon.
Back in 2011, when my blog was located elsewhere on the Internet, I ran a series I called “Sexy Sundays.” It was a summertime collection of some more intimate details of my life; an idea that was voted on by my readers as something they wanted to read more of. When I moved to WordPress, those entries were kind of left in the archives of my hard drive, but I found them and figured they would make for some great updates every now and then. I hope you enjoy them; and as always, feel free to comment or send me some ideas/questions that you would like to see here.
As I mentioned then – and numerous times before – I have long held a desire to explore that side of me, and still want to continue … maybe even take it further than the occasional fleeting moment. The original post on this subject was in response to an online friend, who had sent me the question. It reminded me that I needed to dig around a bit more for some stuff I had written before about the moment when I think everything really crossed from actual curiosity to outright “Ok, no more flirting around, let’s do it.”
So this is a post that my husband and I wrote back before the current blogging addiction – about a faithful night in January 2007. It’s been updated just enough to include some better reflection on the moment. I apologize for it being kind of long, but I enjoyed reading it again, and I hope you will too.
After years of dirty talk and naughty bedroom whispers during sweaty sex, my hubby and I had the chance to experience a little playtime with some new friends. Writing about my fantasies is fun, but also kind of tough. Knowing the other couple is reading this also brings feelings of being nervous, scared, timid, horny – all of it – rushing back.
We had wondered for a long time what it would be like to share some intimate moments with another couple. And, for quite a while, my bi-curiosity had been on my mind. Ever since that drunken moment with my coworker at a conference when she was so frustratingly close to taking me past the point of “yeah, I think about it” to “uh huh, and let’s do it right now,” I had not really had a very clear head on my sexual feelings.
Through a set of circumstances where I finally took the initiative to be bold, set aside some long-held secrets and be open about my fantasies, the door of opportunity opened a bit wider. We met some friends who were open about our ideas. On an evening where the innuendo and jokes progressed to deep, philosophical and sexually-charged conversation about lifestyles and bedroom experiences, I made the leap to let a few cats out of the bag. It was a bit of a risk, and of course I was nervous about letting someone so close know about my thoughts and website. But I was surprised at how easy it was, and how open they were to it – without being judgmental. It’s kind of a strange feeling to meet someone that thinks the same way and has the same sexual comfort as you do. Where we live, people tend to be pretty narrow-minded about it, so what a refreshing change to know here was a couple that wouldn’t “judge” us for being “alive.”
Like many fantasies, this one involved a hot tub. Hot tubs seem to be the place where people can get together and say “sex is on the menu” and everyone kind of accepts that at some point, someone is going to get totally naked.
Fast-forward through dinner, drinks, somewhat awkward talk where no one wants to make the first move… To where, finally, Tthe four of us were in the tub, enjoying the opportunity to explore – hands, touching, kissing. Everyone had said they were shocked at how fast it all came about. I’m trying to think back, and when I do, that feeling of nervousness comes back, excitement…and a lot of wanting more.
Knowing our friends are reading (naughty, naughty), it’s a little scary…I sit here going, “what should I say? What’s OK to share?”
And that takes you to a place of wanting to know everything. But as my hubby has said to me, it’s one thing to share your most intimate thoughts with your spouse, but to with someone who you’ve just had a little encounter with? As a couple, you go through life’s stages, saying during intimate moments, “OK, that feels good” or “No, please, not like that…” and honestly…could you be bold enough to put that out there for everyone…all of it makes my mind go slushy.
It’s that same fear you get after that first date with the cute guy, and you wonder, did he like me, does he think I’m nice, a good kisser, interesting, etc? I’m learning fast this kind of experience gets that personal chemistry stirred up – only now it’s four times more confusing. And, where is most of that chemistry focused?
Anyway, you’re all going “cut to the chase.”
To begin with, we remained with our own partners, slowly building up the sexual tension with kissing, fondling, watching the other couple kiss. At one point I was sitting on my husband’s lap, facing him, as we were making out. Then I felt a hand down there … and I knew where mine were and where his were. I liked the sensation. For a moment, the hand just delicately teased me, and then it stopped. I was just about to voice my complaint when the other man gently took my elbow and pulled me toward him. At the same time, he kind of directed his own wife over to my husband.
And so in the next moment, I am now sitting on his lap, facing him … and we kissed.
At first, I was just there in body…my mind was racing so fast and my nerves were unbelievably tense. When you have the better part of two decades with the same person, only having fleeting moments over those years of other physical contact, the sensation of how another man or woman touches you is like being a virgin again.
There’s the huge excitement, mixed with a confusing thrill of “where is this going?” Feeling another man touch and kiss me brought out some new sensations, letting his hand fondle, grope, guiding my own hand to him, gently stroking his very hard penis…it was scary. Could my husband see me giving this other man a hand job under the water – mixed thoughts of “oh god this feels so good” as I wrapped my fingers around this man’s erection. It leaves me with these same thoughts of excitement, a desire to explore more and a little bit of rekindling – some real assurance that I can have that affect on another guy. Closing my eyes and feeling this man for the next several minutes: behind me, in front of me, hands, lips, erections…WOW! How I felt as he stroked my body with his hands, his fingers teasing across my pussy but not quite penetrating me; the sensation of turning to away from him and having his rock hard cock pressing against me under the water as I straddled his lap again … not even an inch away from my very horny and possibly willing pussy.
And like a dance, just things were really getting hot and interesting, someone called “snowball” and I came face-to-face with my curiosity about another woman.
The first few seconds of touching, kissing – like we had never done it before with another person – was incredible. I’m going through these emotions of being like a teenager, the excitement of those first times. I don’t know if it’s because of the “release” of the physical part – getting the chance to explore with my hands and my mouth, feeling her body, seeing her naked, the sensations as she returned my affection – or if it is because of who I got to share it with. A great set of breasts that felt so soft in my hands, her nipples hardening in my mouth as I kissing and sucked on them…and a little naughty surprise down there too.
This was the first time I had touched another woman’s pussy … and to gently fondle her with my fingers while we kissed, to hear her little moans, was the moment when I had finally confirmed there was an even greater desire in me to explore and that it wasn’t just some fleeting sexual notion fuelled by a couple drinks.
Now knowing that her fantasies haven’t been changed because of what we did together is a huge comfort. I know my own fantasies, but I wasn’t sure of hers…mine, as you have read, are pretty hot and close to me. But you never know if you live up to someone else’s “curiosity” or “fantasy.” As I have said before, when things do happen in real life, there’s this great fear of “will it be like I imagined?”
Sometimes as a woman, you can sense whether or not someone is your type. When it comes to men, it’s an easy thing. Some of you prefer blondes, brunettes, redheads, certain body types, body parts, etc. I get your e-mails and comments, and the compliments are nice – but I try not to take it too seriously. I’m not a vain person, and sometimes it’s difficult to share your vision of me. Rejection from a guy can be taken as simply, “I’m not his type.”
Women are not any different, except when it comes to the fear associated with your own bi-curious feelings. The idea of possibly being rejected by another woman is very unsettling. As she and I were exploring each other, kissing and touching, I was scared of “are we doing this for the husbands, or are we into each other?” I was doing it for me, not because – even though I was terrified – my husband was there, but because I’m in touch with my desires, and the wantingness (is that a word?) to explore. I had wanted to feel all of that for a long time, and I can honestly say, I REALLY enjoyed it. My mind frequently lingers to how she felt, my fingers and lips, her …
You’ll have to forgive me … but at this point, I need to be doing something other than typing!
What do you want? That statement was the door-opener I needed – my husband and I needed – to start my sexual adventure. And while the past couple years things have slowed considerably in the pursuit of new discoveries, it all began with such a simple question.
When people ask me about how it all started, it’s hard for me to give them the salacious answer they want to hear. They think my adventure must surely have its roots in some drunken weekend orgy, or raunchy road trip. The truth is; it all began with a conversation.
Our marriage had already seen some dark days early on. But, unlike many of our peers who simply gave up on their relationships and divorced, we did the almost unthinkable – we invested in it, opened our hearts and minds, exposed ourselves to an unbelievable level of vulnerability and refused to quit on each other. These days it’s unheard of … our parents still just call it “marriage.”
In those days of working on our relationship and defining who we were in our marriage, we began to do something else that seems unheard of for our generation – we began to talk to each other. And not just about what to make for dinner, but about all the crazy things that swirled around between our ears. Our friends began to shun us because of it … not quite, but that sounded fun.
No, in truth, we found each other again … and at a much deeper level than we ever imagined our marriage taking us.
If you read this far without bailing, then you must either have some time on your hands, or are actually interested in my purely unscientific approach to planning an adventure. Here is probably the most basic premise of what you need to know – very few people remember “second.” Who got to the North Pole second? Or finished second in NASCAR’s second race last year? (No, I don’t need the answers.)
Why, on earth, would you want to wait for your partner to make the first move? Are you waiting for permission to bring the subject up? Are you hoping your fortune cookie on Friday will say something that will lead to an in-depth conversation about swinging?
I get that there are some real issues around being afraid; but this is about your sexual desires and how you want to include the person you adore (hopefully) in the pursuit of turning those fantasies into realities. Speak first … ask yourself, at this stage in life, when do you ever have the chance to feel fear that won’t result in death? Don’t hesitate, make a move, speak first and break the ice.
Do my fantasies include a weekend without clothes in the company of Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum? Damn right they do. But my sexual adventure doesn’t, because I know that is just not a realistic opportunity.
The early stages of any good adventure are designed to help the crew get their sea legs, feel the gentle swell of the waters closer to shore and gradually come to terms with the greater challenges that could be just over the horizon. A sexual adventure isn’t any different. Small steps that build the excitement and teach the libido when to turn on are necessary.
On top of discovering what it is you want from your adventure, it’s also important to recognize – as mentioned above – just how realistic will it be to pull off. I’ve learned, for example, that despite my bisexual curiosities I can’t expect every hot woman that I encounter in life is going to be a) interested on the same level; and, b) that open-minded.
There are ways to solve those early curiosities without destroying your personal reputation … take advantage and set out of the harbour slowly, as opposed to attack speed.
When it comes to setting out on a sexual adventure, you need to be truthful to all parties involved. Don’t lie to your husband/wife/partner, don’t lie to the object of your sexual desires and don’t lie to yourself. If there was ever a time when you needed to be 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, truthful, this is it. You do not want to pretend that a foursome with your husband’s golf buddies are what get you off the tee, only to have him produce said golf buddies and their big drivers to you as a 35th birthday present.
More importantly, you need to be truthful with yourself. I’m lucky in my marriage, most of my fantasies are the ones that take priority – and that he shares my thoughts on them. An adventure is about discovering things, experimenting and pushing forward. That doesn’t mean being “pushed” along a path you know is wrong.
In the sexual world there is a very important motto: Fantasy is better than reality. In the fantasy, things are perfect – the men are rock hard, the women are wet and uninhibited … the husband willingly holds the camera. The reality is, you can spend two years in a swirling, lustful, delightful, spouse-approved state of sexual torment with a co-worker, but the day you get to live out the fantasy, the pressure and reality of the moment stomp all over the fantasy and you find yourself awkwardly trying to make it work.
Men have been programmed all their lives to believe that being in a state of sexual excitement around another man is wrong, and those psychological issues will surface at the least opportune time.
Be open about your desires with everyone, be open about your intentions – and be open to having reality not equal the fantasy. But don’t let that stop the fun. Just be open to being sexually innovative.
Porn is porn is porn … none of the sex is intended to be remotely realistic or rewarding, and a sexual adventure – unless it involves making a porn movie – should not mimic what you watch on your computer. You need to be prepared on both a physical and emotional level.
I don’t think a lot of people consider the true emotional element. Sex can be fun, but it can also be emotionally exhausting – the fear/excitement, the heat and passion … the remorse and awkwardness afterwards.
Physically is easy – shower, shave, brush teeth. Bring lube and condoms … bring an open mind and a sexual enthusiasm of a teenager.
Emotionally is where you’re about to get hammered. Unless you are already a highly-seasoned swinger, you’re going to confront a range of emotions. The excitement, fear, apprehension, lust, giddiness are all good and easy to work through. What can be a struggle are the aftershocks, the post-sex remorse and guilt – and realization that you can’t go back. Be prepared to own it.
As much as you need to be prepared for the emotional aftermath on both a good and bad level, you need to recognize that it’s not up to you to be the Sherpa in the expedition. Let those who own the baggage, carry the baggage. It’s alright to have some emotional attachment to those you have invited into your sex life – such as sexual chemistry. Be wary of anything greater.
My fantasies to realities experiences won’t shake the foundation for most people, but I like to think at least I’ve taken great strides in creating a relationship with my husband that is hot, exciting and sexually rewarding.
So there you go … a very lengthy, completely unscientific perspective on how to have a sexual adventure of your own. If you got this far, fantastic … if you didn’t, you’re expedition may end up being just as short as your attention span – and that’s scary when you’re dabbling with the idea of sharing yourself sexually.