Monthly Archives: January 2013
I’m a huge fan of Josey Vogels, the My Messy Bedroom columnist and sexologist. I love her perspective on so many subjects, and relish the fact that so many of my ideas are not as whacked as I sometimes think they are. It’s always nice to have some validation.
Recently I read a blog of hers about how women could expand their sexual fantasies; which hit on two of my favourite subjects – sex and fantasies.
The column in this particular case was about how she was becoming bored with the sex life she had in her head – her fantasies. It seemed that she was beginning to think that they were becoming a little “routine” … and felt a little “scripted.”
And, of course, that can be natural. So much of the sexual message we receive pushes us into certain well-worn paths of sexual fantasy: women are supposed to have bi-curious desires; lust for a mysterious stranger; yearn to be dominated in the bedroom.
All very much part of the mainstream philosophy on erotica, romance and fantasy. Plot lines in most quick-read novels follow that tired formula. Part of which may have contributed to the success of Fifty Shades – it broke away from the “torn bodice and heaving bosoms” of the Harlequin Romance formula.
All you need to do is a quick search online and you’ll find hundreds of links to “Her Top 10 Fantasies” or “What He Really Wants To Try” … all contrived messages from so-called experts and editorialists saying what it is we should be thinking.
“Part of the problem is that women and men have been told for too long what to fantasize about. In other words, if you tell enough men that the average man’s top sexual fantasy is to be with two women, then every time you ask a guy what his top fantasy is, lacking anything more creative or not wanting to sound like a freak, he’ll repeat what the other boys say,” Vogels writes.
Creativity is very important when it comes to a healthy sexual fantasy. The ability to fantasize is extremely important to the human imagination – whether those fantasies fall within the confines of “Her Top 10” or not.
“Our imaginations are also limited by the cultural and social baggage we drag into our fantasy world. For instance, I don’t think it’s any coincidence that common fantasy lists for women involve some form of exhibitionism, while men’s lists usually include some sort of voyeuristic Peeping Tom themed scenario. After all, if you look at sexuality as it’s often depicted in our culture, women are watched and men do the watching.”
Fantasies are the perfect place to fuck with these stereotypes and try anything we want. They are our own personal desires, not a situation that society says we should relish.
But how do we get there? How do we get past the notion that if our fantasies do not match up with some list published by a pathetic Carrie Bradshaw wannabe in a trashy women’s magazine that there must be something wrong with us?
Start an erotic diary … or, if you’re like me, a personal blog.
Getting in touch with your own personal desires is the key to unleashing the imagination and freeing yourself from the confusion of not living up to someone’s expectations for your sex life.
Personally, I have many fantasies that don’t rank on any Top 10 list … maybe not even a Top 100. I have fantasies that I share with my husband, and I have fantasies that are so vanilla that Harlequin writers laugh at me. But most importantly, I have my OWN fantasies … and a wonderful place to vent when I need to let them roam free in my imagination.
I hope you find yours.
Today in the local newspaper, there was a bit of a hullabaloo over the use of the acronym MILF as a book title. The book, The MILF Diet: Let the Power of Whole Foods Transform Your Body, Mind and Spirit Deliciously – which I admit I have not read – was written by a former chef Jessica Porter and has been gaining a lot of notoriety for its title more so than its contents.
And, to be fair, Porter openly admits there was a sense of cheekiness in selecting the title, but also stresses that the vast majority of women she has talked with recognize that MILF is not a derogatory label, but rather a pop culture term of the times.
And, this is where the debate began … as it does when any sexually cheeky materials hit the bestseller’s list.
“I hate, hate, hate the acronym,” says relationship expert Debra Macleod in an article by Joanne Richard. “There’s something so pathetically desperate about a woman wanting to be a MILF … It’s like a woman doesn’t feel she’s worthy unless a man will f— her.”
Really? Hmm … that’s interesting, because there are some of us out there that kind of embrace the fact that after centuries of sexual repression and religious indoctrination that sex is only for procreation, we simply like sex for sex. Actually, make that love sex … and don’t get me started on just how much I love the idea of a having a man “f—“ me.
Blogger Danielle Smith adds, “The very term magnifies a woman’s lack of self-esteem and her insecurities and plays in to the notion that she needs a ‘sexy’ stamp of approval in order to be healthy and accepted. To that, I say, no thank you.”
Smith bashed the title in a blog at Extraordinarymommy.com and further says in the newspaper article, “I have a little girl who needs to know that self-respect and a healthy body image are priorities. Seeking to be a MILF by following a specific diet puts me in a class of women I have no intention of joining.
“The very term magnifies a woman’s lack of self-esteem and her insecurities and plays in to the notion that she needs a ‘sexy’ stamp of approval in order to be healthy and accepted. To that, I say, no thank you.”
That’s OK Danielle, we’re not sure we have an opening at book club anyway. Perhaps you can find a tidy table for three with Debra and Joanne to discuss among yourselves why 50 Shades of Grey sets women back decades. Order the salmon, the cob salad suggests something way more chauvinistic on the menu.
Reactions like this tend to reaffirm that some women still are not able to exist without hang-ups. It says “I’m not secure enough in my own skin that I have to find reason to be offended.”
And it usually comes from the same crowd who were first in line for Magic Mike. As much as they are against some sort of “male-dominated society” applying descriptors to women, these women turn around and cast equal vitriol at those of us who happen to embrace our “sexy” stamp.
I love this kind of haven’t-been-really-fucked-in-months kind of perspective, because I find it absolute nonsense. My relationship with my husband and with myself goes way deeper than some silly acronym – which, by the way, I am comfortable being called. Sure, it is a bit of a back-handed compliment, but it’s still a compliment. I’m flattered that there are men out there who consider me to be such, and trust me, some days I love being treated like a sex object. For all the wonderful sense of emotional fulfillment I get from sensual intimacy in my marriage, there are times when I just want it down and dirty with expletives and raw aggression.
I am a sexual being … and I enjoy being a sexual being. I like knowing I have the choice of seduction, whether I employ it or not. I love the power my sexuality gives me, and I have no issue employing it when it serves my own devious purpose.
But then again, I’m secure enough to say so … and have never been to one to jump on the feminist bandwagon as a flag-waving, card-carrying proponent of “I am woman, hear me roar.” Being called a MILF doesn’t strip me of my power, or self confidence. If you really want to break it down, it gives me even more ammunition for my lofty plans of global seduction … or world domination if I can find the right thigh boots for the job.
Life is meant to be fun and is far too short for hang-ups; not a time to carve out some feminist agenda over silly ideas to market a diet book. Hell, we’ve been accusing men of acting like “little boys” for years … maybe MILF is just a bit of tit for tat.
Read for yourself.
The topic seems to come up every now and then, more so when there has been some sort of news item related to a massively wealthy individual scoring sexually with someone you would never expect them to.
Could money act as an aphrodisiac?
We hear all about trophy wives; you know, the buxom blonde bimbos that hook up with a man old enough to be their great-grandfather. I’m sure there are some women who really do find an oxygen tank and wheelchair kinky. But outside of the obvious – because you know it is human nature when it comes to wealth – someone will always chase the money regardless of their emotional commitment to the relationship.
“Fully 63% of rich men said wealth gave them ‘better sex,’ which they defined as having more-frequent sex with more partners. That compares to 88% of women who said more money gave them better sex, which they defined as ‘higher quality’ sex,” writes Robert Frank for the Wealth Report article “The Rich Libido.”
But for those of us who pursue life on the more realistic level of eking out a life paycheque to paycheque, how much can money play a role in heightening sexual desire?
Personally, I think what money can do is remove the stresses that act as sexual inhibitors. When you are in a relationship, the realities of life – paying the bills, being employed, etc. – can reduce the amount of interest you may have when it comes night time. Your mind if entrenched in other matters and worries; which does not allow you to completely immerse your imagination in sexual aerobics. Not to mention the physical exhaustion that goes with it.
I suppose for some people, the idea of the “million dollar one-night stand” also serves as an intriguing fantasy … the challenge is to make the right decision when you actually come in contact with that million dollars.
“You can buy all of the sex you want, but at the end of the day, most of us want and need more than a few moments of physical contact. Purchasing sex does not meet our psychological needs for intimacy and emotional connection,” says social psychologist Justin Lehmiller.
So the question might really be, if you got paid for sex, would you be willing to give up the emotional fulfillment of intimacy?
Someone said to me the other day that I was being really lazy in not getting some new content and insightful observations posted after I made some great promises for 2013 …
Ok, actually I said that to myself.
With the reality of a busy few weeks to start the year in my non-Andee life (read: day job and Momhood), I just haven’t been able to craft some blog-worthy reading for you guys. But the drought is coming to an end, I promise. I have some entertaining new questions to tackle and will soon have something sexy, naughty and fun for you once again!
Happy New Year to everyone. I hope the cloudy heads and churning stomachs aren’t too awful today. I managed to behave myself and kept things to a minimum – well, actually more like a “just about right.”