Monthly Archives: January 2015
The great thing about catching on to a subject like sexual freedom is that the conversation can literally go on and on. And with the idea of sharing intriguing perspectives from both sides of the debate, often the level of intellectual deliciousness heats up. Is it voyeurism? Cuckolding? Just ol’ fashioned swinging?
Such is the case with my most recent blogs about men watching their wives having sex with other men, and the like. From that comes the counter perspective, as challenged by someone who I chat with every now and then on Twitter:
Can you have a great, long-lasting sex life with the same partner?
I can only answer this from a personal – and feminine – perspective: absolutely.
For women, or at least me, the idea of great sex isn’t founded on the equipment a man brings to the bedroom – his looks, the size of his penis, his paycheque. What matters most is the connection between us, the bond and how you capture my imagination and my soul more than how deeply you tickle my vagina.
Good sex – hot, steamy, toe-curling, mattress-grabbing sex – can be founded on the vanity of what a man has to offer physically and the marvels of what he can do between my legs. For some, I’m sure that is the definition of great sex. But after the two minute mark has passed and he’s pretty much done and snoring on his side of the bed, there remains the hollow feeling; the feeling of something missing.
What takes things to the next level to great sex is what happens between my ears. It’s the essential “mind fuck” that I want as much as the physical fuck. I need to feel a connection with my lover to make it happen; an emotional connection that burns deeply. And despite what many may think about my online life, that kind of connection only comes from a committed, long-term relationship.
Now, to throw a real twist into all of this …
Great sex also requires a feeling of sexual freedom. Even in marriage, there are times when you fear judgement for your sexual thoughts. That is just natural in any intimate relationship. And if those fears hold you back sexually … well, it takes time to let go of them and grow into being more open and understanding. A healthy long-term relationship will allow that time to pass, and foster sexual and emotional growth of each partner.
Sexual freedom allows your mind and body to surrender to the moment, without any hesitation or guilt because you have invested in that personal growth within the relationship. It removes those psychological barriers – most of which are the cause of bad sex. A study I read not long ago hit on some of the issues surrounding those barriers in non-monogamous relationships – men struggled with erection issues, while women struggled with lubrication issues during those moments of infidelity.
So, for all the stockings, lingerie and secretive rendezvous at sketchy motels – research suggests great sex was not on the room service card.
Sexual freedom + deep emotional connection = great sex. At least for me, and I’m not convinced that’s something you can find with a one-night stand. But I am convinced it’s something you can have for life with the right partner.
For those of Scottish descent (not me), January 25 marks a day of occasional celebration of the birth of one of Scotland’s most famous individuals. Robert Burns was a poet and author known for a wealth of famous works, including “Auld Lang Syne.”
I’m not sure this is the kind of kilt he would expect someone to pay tribute in, but much like Mr. Burns – I know my audience!
The very strange and somewhat ‘sad’ mobile app launched today – Invisible Boyfriend/Girlfriend. The idea is for those lonely hearts to create a façade of having someone in their intimate life by relying on an app to send them text messages, phone calls, selfies and a handwritten note – all for around $25.
Now far be it from me to cast any judgement on anyone who would use such a service. I get “loneliness” and I get the need to put up a brave front among those more relationship-privileged peers and family members. And, according to the creators, it can also help maintain the shield of those in somewhat unique relationships or fear scorn for their sexual orientation by creating a plotline of romance and affection.
You know some people will buy into this.
But I started to think, despite the novelty concept, is this what technology has driven us to? Have we become such a society where we need to rely on our electronic gadgets to fulfill a relationship void in our lives?
Kinda scary when you get right down to it.
But all along, I kept thinking “invisible boyfriend … mine’s in the drawer in my night stand.”
I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with a friend since I posted a question on Twitter about husbands watching their wives engaging in sex with other men. I had an idea in mind and was interested to see how others felt about the same subject. It wasn’t meant to be a question that exposes any personal issues, but something I hoped to be thought-provoking.
One of the perspectives that arose was that of how there appears to be a complex duality between being someone with “baggage” and someone who yearns for the freedom of no-strings sexual exploration.
Personally, I think when it comes to the relationship between sex and our society, there has to be the reality of people having a dual personality. Our culture has extreme difficulty with accepting we’re a sexual species. We’ll forgive some of the most heinous crimes against each other, but heaven forbid you want to pursue a sexual kink that deviates from the narrow path of judgement.
Anyone who has dabbled/explored/plunged-right-in recognizes that certain aspects of their sexual interests are taboo. And not just those moments involving a man with a goat, someone playing the trumpet and three rooster feathers. Little is judged more harshly outside of the courtroom than a person’s sexual interests … and dare I say, not even “a person’s” but pointedly “a woman’s.”
When a man shares his sexual conquests among his peers/co-workers/cell mates, more times than not he is revered for his ability to “close the deal” or “score.” A man with a numerous notches on his bedpost is viewed as a “skilled lover” whereas a woman with same track record is viewed as “a slut” and someone who “gets around, if you know what I mean.”
With these kind of societal judgements, is it any wonder that sexual exploration in our so-called liberal-minded age requires an almost alter-ego.
In one of my responses to my friend, I try to explain why my own experience with the spouse-sharing was a special moment, not one built of a need to eliminate the fear of infidelity in our relationship – not even really one of great kink.
Life Is Too Short
There are some rather unsexy things about why we are the way we are. It’s a lot of clichés about living life, no regrets, no looking back. You know, we tried things here and there, failed in most, succeeded in a couple. But our life together is certainly one that is unique from many couples. We worked very hard to shed hang-ups and jealousies so we could experience everything that came our way; and we want to do that together.
As strange as it may sound, it’s an affirmation of trust and intimacy in my marriage. It’s my husband saying to me ‘you don’t ever need to cheat, or be tempted or feel guilty with your attraction to another man.’ He’s provided me with an almost once-in-a-lifetime moment that allows me to experience something that has been absent from my life for 25 years – all those raw, sexual sensations that you feel in the early days of a sexual relationship; the chance to wash away the wonder of never experiencing a new person in that kind of way again, almost a way of reliving those moments of sexual experimentation with a new person; freedom from sexual secrets.
What does he get out of it? So, I asked … again. From what he tells me, he gets to see me in one of the sexiest moments he could imagine. He gets deep personal satisfaction from knowing he has given his wife something she has secretly desired, but has always been ‘afraid’ to ask. Not because of the commitment to a marriage, but because he knows from a woman’s side, it’s extremely selfish (I don’t agree).
His motivation? “Part deep burning sexual love and a selfish indulgence to see his wife as other men may see her from her secret life as Andee.” He said there was no sacrifice when he saw how unbelievably excited, scared, turned-on and nervous I was. The experience had little to do with the other man, in his opinion, even though the man is my friend. The idea, the focus, the desire and the attention were all about me at that time.
I don’t know if women feel “revolutionary” about participating in such a setting. I would hope they would recognize that sometimes sexual discover and the freedom that such an opportunity provides is something that should strengthen the marriage. I doubt many relationships can ever reach that ‘nirvana.’
I have said many times before that he has introduced me to an entirely new world of sexuality and sexual exploration that I likely would have never experienced without him. He is a rare breed. I regret absolutely nothing about my choice to be loyal to him from that time, missing out of the college experience of parties and hooking up. Part of what he says about this is him recognizing that I could have had more sexual fun when I was young – so why not now while we still can and have a lifetime of broader sexual knowledge and skill?
Any friend I have ever confided in about our experiences over the past 12 years or so is usually gobsmacked at first, and then insanely jealous of me. It is very difficult to explain that my husband’s true kink is allowing me the freedom to explore sexually – as long as he gets to be there as well.
But don’t be side-tracked by that. This is not a willy-nilly, every weekend kind of thing. My heart and soul belong to this marriage 100%; I just have this strange little freedom allowed to me should I ever find the opportunity I want to be more than a simple imaginary distraction. I’m not jumping the UPS guy because I like his brown shorts; but I do – and can with certain conditions – enjoy a sexual moment with someone who intrigues me that deeply.
In our life together we have known many, many couples who have divorced. We’ve lost very dear friends to illness and accidents. We look at our life together and made an even bigger commitment to each other to ‘live’ … not to be a passenger, not to die with our last words being ‘what if.’ I think we have an unbelievable strong emotional commitment to each other – one that recognizes there can, or may, be strange little side trips. It means we don’t ever need to fear sexual temptation, or secretly cheat.
At times like this, you are sharing on the rawest, most vulnerable level. To open yourself up to that degree – and emerge from that unscathed is the most liberating, soul-building experience you could ever imagine. It’s like riding the wildest, fastest, tallest, looping roller-coaster in the world – but without the screaming and puking. Let’s be honest, at this stage in life, when can you do things for the first time that scare the hell out of you?
And, by the way, most times when you explain to someone who may think “oh yeah, let’s get naked” that we will be doing so while my husband is right there … let’s say it’s more effective than a polar bear dip on New Year’s Day to most men. So there is a level of flaccid attrition.
Sex can be just “sex.” It is difficult to separate the emotional attachment from the act, but not impossible. Hence, the duality of the situation.
This week’s TMI Tuesday seems like it was almost designed for some insight and ‘bitter’ Canadian input. What is more Canadian than discussing the weather? But you’ll have to excuse me, since the subject is winter weather I forgot to include the notorious Canadian politeness in some of my answers this week.
Some people call it winter; I call it the seventh level of frozen hell. And for anyone that thinks hell is a place of eternal fire, they have never endured this thing called a “polar vortex.”
Do you measure/report the weather temperature in Celsius or Fahrenheit?
In Canada, we go on the metric system. Some things sound great in metric – others not so much. Like for guys who are obsessed with their penis length: 15.25 centimetres sounds way better than 6 inches, etc. When it comes to temperature however, it’s not better in metric. It gets colder faster from a psychological point of view. I would still prefer 32 F over 0 C. Otherwise I’m not fussed over the 15.25 centimeters vs. 6 inches … as long as the guy knows what to do with he has to make me forget the temperature outside.
Describe your ideal day of weather.
The perfect weather for me is a day that is warm – bikini warm – but with little humidity. I love the heat, but not the sweaty-hair-sticking-to-your-forehead-humidity. The kind of day where you can spend the afternoon lounging in the sunshine on the beach and then head off to the baseball diamond in the evening without having to change your clothes. Not that I would wear my bikini to my son’s baseball games, but I think you get the idea.
When it is cold outside I want to:
a) Run outside naked because it is exhilarating
b) Bundle up in warm clothes and take a winter walk
c) Turn up the heat and stay indoors, hibernate until warm weather returns
d) I do not pay attention to the weather
You actually don’t give me the proper choice, but given the list, I’ll say two-thirds of c). Keep in mind, I live in Ontario, Canada … where our provincial government has implemented such outrageous energy policies that most of us can’t afford to turn up the thermostat in winter – or the a/c in summer. The choice is really to bundle up like you are going to go for a walk, but then just hibernate and stay inside with your parka on until the warm weather returns … but these days, I’d hazard to say even summer wouldn’t want to come to Ontario.
Do you go commando in cold weather or in winter?
Sorry guys, no. Even during those wonderfully warm summer days, my commando experience is usually a very carefully planned moment around a very specific outfit. But don’t be too disappointed – it’s not like I never go commando at all … you’ll just have to pay very close attention to see if you can spot the panty lines or not.
For $10,000USD would you rather ride a bike for one mile (1.6km) in 7 degrees F/ -14 degrees C weather or jump naked into a freezing cold Alaskan lake in winter?
Given that would translate into almost $12,000CDN at today’s exchange rate; I’d ride the bike for a mile … all the way to the bank before the rate changes!
What is your favourite piece of winter clothing?
My passport; but sadly it rarely comes out of the drawer in winter. After that, I have to say there is nothing I like about my winter wardrobe (getting a sense of the trend here?). I just can’t fathom how or why anyone could enjoy being subjected to -30C weather at any time, for any reason. A parka is not sexy, big mittens are not sexy, big clunky boots are not sexy …
Have you ever worn long johns aka long underwear/thermal underwear?
They’re an integral part of a Canadian wardrobe. I even have them in different colours.
Bonus: do you have more or less sex in the winter months versus other times of the year?
I don’t think there is any measure of difference between them for me. My sexual habits aren’t really seasonal. That said, I think I probably have more “event” sex in winter due to Christmas celebrations, New Year’s nookie and Valentine’s Day snogging. But I generally keep the momentum going in May with my birthday and wedding anniversary.