Category Archives: Andee
I get asked this quite a bit, and to be honest with you, I’m always a little reluctant to answer. Not because I don’t want to, but more because I’m not confident in how the answer would really resonate with you guys.
Do I think about guys masturbating to my photos and videos?
It’s a complicated answer that may or may not make me seem like a bit of a hypocrite.
I used to – quite often, actually. In the early days of this whole amateur porn gig, my sexuality and libido as a younger woman was still evolving. It still is today, but just in a different way.
In my late 20s and through my 30s, I wasn’t as sexually confident as I tried to fool myself into thinking I was. I had an internal desire to be validated as “sexy”, to come across as more of a vixen than my courage really was. Together with my husband, I explored all kinds of delightfully adventurous sexual experiences – swinging, coming out as bisexual, voyeurism, exhibitionism. There were a lot of new things to discover, and with heart racing, I often jumped in with both feet, both boobs and damn the common sense until tomorrow’s morning.
We had a lot of fun. We still do – just in somewhat tamer way now that we’re a bit older, a bit more doughy around the middle, and a bit more removed from the visual “ideal” of what is accepted in certain lifestyle scenes (cliques, to be perfectly honest – but that’s a much different blog).
OK, so what does all that have to do with me thinking about guys masturbating to my content? Well, because a lot of things – photos, videos, social media posts, etc. – were fueled by that whole idea. In being honest with myself, I was actually trying to get guys to do that. It was a challenge, a bit competitive and more conscious than not.
It was validation of me being a woman who could be desired. There was a very small part of me that also used the idea as sexual weapon in my own relationship. Not as cruel as this, but in a way, saying to my husband: “There are guys out there right now who are fantasizing about doing some very naughty things with me…now, are you going to turn the TV off, or do I…” And, in turn, I know he would agree and say something very similar: “You know there are guys out there stroking their hard cocks to you right now…”
It was part of our sexual game as a married couple. Incredible mind-fucks. It was … our kink.
Today, it is different. I’ve settled more peacefully into my sexuality and answered questions I needed to in my own mind. My life has gone further down the path intended for me, and if I spend too much time reflecting on certain things, my brain clicks over to more rational thinking. In a way, my thoughts go more to the consequences of my actions rather than the excitement of the discovery – if that makes sense. And it’s not just in the sexual context either – it’s the same within my offline life.
At the same time, unlike those earlier days, I have also matured to the point where – in a way – I accept more freely that men (and women) masturbate. It’s normal; it’s healthy. And they do so for a variety reasons, and use a variety of visual encouragements. As naïve as it may sound, now in my mid-40s, I actually hope more people have found a way to bring pleasure to themselves – rather than “needing” something to get them there.
I don’t view what I do anymore as a “competitive” way to get guys off – but rather as something that may “help” when they feel the urge. Which has turned my own thinking from the “C’mon baby, what are you doing with my pics?” to “I know you’re going to, so maybe what I have to offer may help get you to a better place.”
I still appreciate it when what I’m doing online is the instigator these days, given the massive amount of choice available for masturbatory aid. I just look at it differently now.
I wrote earlier about how, as I got older, my fantasies evolved.
I’m still outrageously turned on by the idea of sex with a stranger. If you’ve read my erotica, you’ll see that this is a common theme throughout; random encounters that have led to incredible moments of sexual discovery. Same with threesomes; the delicious naughtiness of having two playmates in my bed is phenomenal. Of course, writing about such ideas is somewhat easy – but it doesn’t make it any less of a fantasy for me.
As we mature, I think our fantasies do as well. Along with this, our willingness to let them flourish also matures; we become, in a sense, less intimidated by the notion. Our personal psychology has grown, our understanding developed and (hopefully) our fears reduced. It’s still natural to have some anxiety over these naughty thoughts in our imagination, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to put any of it into action.
For me, getting older also meant more freedom to let my imagination run wild. The guilt was gone, and the fear of being open about my thoughts also vanished. My fantasies became much more of an escape – and, as you probably have figured out, a huge part of my online not-so-secret life.
Part of the history of my website, and this blog, is deeply entrenched in my own fantasies: the voyeurism and exhibitionism, the exploration of where it could lead, the interaction with people on somewhat sexual terms. In a way, it touches on a part of me that was repressed for a long time (I grew up in a very Catholic house, so there’s a lot of repression in my life). And while “Andee” has really become this whole other woman so very different from the real me, she is still really me. She is the part of me who explores the fantasies, let’s her mind go crazy when she sees a cute guy, flirts like made with male coworkers and indulges in sexual innuendo. She doesn’t feel guilty, or as afraid; much braver than the real me.
So, what fantasies turn me on these days?
- Threesome sex – absolutely still very high on my list of sexual fantasies I want to turn into a reality. Been close, but just not quite. The idea of involving another man in our bedroom activity absolutely makes me wet.
- ‘Stranger’ sex – as mentioned at the start of today’s entry, this idea frequently pops into my mind when I’m feeling particularly horny. But not just random, nameless sex … my fantasy is complicated and detailed. Read my erotica and you’ll get it.
- Lesbian sex – my bi-sexual/bi-curious leaning drives me crazy sometimes. It’s something I had a small taste of, and I still yearn for the moment when I can sate my appetite for another woman.
That is really the strong trio of what fills my imagination with dirty, dirty thoughts and makes my panties moist when my mind gets a bit too carried away.
After my last entry on being more comfortable with sex in my 40s, someone asked me if my sexual boundaries had changed – are they looser or firmer? Had my past experiences done anything to shape how I define my sexuality and sense of adventure?
Wishy-washy answer is yes.
Let me take you a bit deeper. I think life experience in general leads to people changing their sexual boundaries. To me, they’ve never been immovable stone walls. As you try new things and discover likes and dislikes, kinks and twists, they move. It’s no different than your taste for food or fashion. “The times, they are a changin'”
As a young woman, newly married and outrageously naive in the ways of the world, my sexual boundaries were pretty clear and straight forward. I had never considered acting on any of my fantasies – or even just talk about them. I had repressed a lot of those ‘thoughts’ because of my staunch Catholic upbringing. The wildest thing I was willing (with great reluctance and internal conflict) to try was a vibrator. And even then, I had never expressed a desire to try one, my boyfriend at the time thought it would be fun.
He was right.
About the only sense of adventure I had back then was posing for pictures. I had already become comfortable in front of the camera from some experience in mainstream (aka non-nude) modelling.
That proved to be the key to Andee’s own Pandoras Box. It was from there that new ideas, experiences and sexual confidence grew. As the photos evolved from teasingly playful to stocking-clad pin-ups to all-out nudes, a naughtier side of me emerged. Of course, it helped that my husband was very open and supportive. He encouraged me to break free from a lot of unhealthy thoughts and discover many new things about myself.
He allowed me to explore without jealousy, listened to my thoughts and helped me shape some my fantasies – and turn some of them into realities.
My sexual boundaries had grown pretty wide during those days.
But life also has this crazy way of putting you in your place. It’s not so much ‘all good things must come to an end’ … It was just that other priorities became top priorities. And when those priorities have been dealt with, time has passed and that hot, slim brunette vixen has evolved into that road-weary soccer mom with grey hair and crows feet.
If anything, the past eight years have pulled those boundaries back in. Somethings just took a back seat – sexual discovery included. And a dose of reality pushed out some of the fantasy.
But, they’re still movable. My challenge now is to see if I can, and just how far can they really go. Some of that involves evaluating what’s important to me now – both sexually and non.
I may just start back at the beginning … with that delightful buzzing sex toy.
Something I am trying to rediscover in this new stage of my adventure is my spirit of sexuality. It’s not so much about rediscovering sex as an act of intimacy; that was always there in my marriage. But it’s more about getting back in touch with the women inside me who was full of sexual discovery and imagination.
I’ve heard a lot about how, as a woman ages, her libido changes – and not always for the better. I think I must be one of the biological lucky ones because I never lost my physical desire for sex. What I really lost was my real ability to engage with that part of me. As you reach this certain age of midlife, the demands on you become even more intense – work, family, more work, offline responsibilities, bills, mortgages, growing kids. All of a sudden you find a preference for a sexual routine than an erotic adventure. Your sexy lingerie slowly finds its way to the bottom of your dresser drawer in favour of comfy pants and jammies with a llama print.
Stresses become your obsession as you hit this stage of life – and your questions morph from sexual curiosity to a strange theme of measuring up in life. You ask yourself all those horrible questions of doubt. Some of it, I think, is because our society gauges personal success on the square footage of your home and the emblem on your automobile over the experiential journey. Well, unless you’re hooked on Instagram, then it’s all about your Instafake exotic life and ‘worldly’ travels to Scanton.
Of course, there’s also a new degree of freedom at your feet once you realize those things really don’t matter. You are able to let your mind ‘heal’ from the intense pressure of trying to live up to someone else’s expectations of who you should be.
I’m actually looking forward to this new part of the journey. Being able to embrace the refreshed opportunity to explore my sexuality and see what lay ahead is something not many of us can do.
Some of these upcoming entries here will be just about that – my thoughts, experiences and adventures as I discover ‘Sex in my 40s’.
Recently on my Twitter account, one of my followers asked me if I felt my 20-something self was sexier than my current self. It’s not the first time someone has posed this question to me, and so it’s not something that I haven’t given much thought to.
I think a lot of it depends on your own perspective of what is “sexy.” Without question, I think the younger me is far more attractive than the current me. She’s thinner, she still has her long brown hair, and life hasn’t thrown as many punches at her yet. I absolutely would love the physical her back. But, she’s also a lot more naive. She has a few more hang-ups and isn’t quite as sure of herself.
The me of today … well … she’s not as ‘pretty’ as that skinny young thing, but she has a lot more life experience. The stresses in her life haven’t been overly kind, but she is comfortable with her sexuality and has no problems exploring what life can offer. She has conquered quite a few of her fears and fulfilled some of her fantasies. Those experiences have given her a lot more courage and confidence.
To me, sexy isn’t just a physical quality. It’s much more about confidence and courage. It’s about being able to follow your own path and hold your head high regardless of your decisions. It’s about being honest with yourself and recognizing that life is meant to be an adventure.
Is the 20-something Andee ‘sexier’? Not quite. She’s the one who is on that incredible journey to discovery. She (in my opinion) is more physically attractive, but she’s no more sexy than the me of today.
Having said that, my new adventure – and the opportunity to discover even more about who I am, and what my relationship with my husband means – will take me even closer to being the ‘sexy’ that I could comfortably admit to: confident, courageous … and maybe able to fit into those naughty clothes all over again!