Category Archives: Adventure
The biggest challenge I’ve had in my sexual adventure is keeping my expectations grounded.
Fantasies, because they live inside our head, don’t have restrictions beyond our imagination. They can be as wild, twisted, delicious or scandalous as we want – because there are no boundaries to keep them contained. It’s only when we roll them out do we encounter the confines of societal mores.
The challenge, should you want to attempt to turn a fantasy into a reality, is keeping your expectations in check and realizing there may be a few honest obstacles to prevent them from being perfect.
When my husband and I began to explore some of our own, the tough part wasn’t in what we wanted to try – it was working through the fantasy and making sure we had an open mind. For example, if your fantasy is to have a threesome, the reality is that sex among three people is complicated … very complicated. It’s not tidy, it’s not coordinated, rarely does it go according to how you imagined – and you need to constantly ensure all three people are enjoying the moment.
A lot of people struggle with the notion of keeping two people in sync, never mind an extra.
We never truly hit my threesome fantasy. We had a two-and-a-half … it was a lot of fun, but still wasn’t the threesome that played out in my head.
We also had a couple of foursomes, which was very complicated and awkward … although outrageously hot. Those experiences didn’t quite play out the way I had pictured either, but because we had committed to keeping an open mind (and being very expressive about our own limitations), they were thoroughly enjoyable.
I best described it, afterwards to my husband, as this: “let’s be honest, you really won’t know what you’re willing to do, or try, until you have that other guy’s cock in your hand (or mouth … or his mouth between your legs).”
You can talk at length about wanting to experience full partner swap, you can imagine it a dozen different ways … but until you’re actually in the heat of the moment, you can predict how things will really play out.
If you don’t want your fantasies to suck … you’ve got to let them unwind in their own realistic way, and keep an open mind as you go.
If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll likely have noticed a couple ‘cryptic’ tweets over the past couple days about making a big change in my life. And, so, to put an end to the speculation …
I’ve made a bucket list decision to train to enter a fitness competition. Yes, the physique competitions for women, micro-bikini and five-inch heels and all that jazz.
I don’t anticipate this is going to be more than a one-time experience, given how much I actually hate working out. I’m also at a point where I really feel the need to make a significant change in my approach to my health and overall body image.
It’s going to be a journey … but I’m also seeing it as a crucial one.
My husband, who has agreed to join me in this self-torture as support, jokes that most midlife crises involve convertibles, motorcycles or adventure travel, not kettle bells and protein shakes. But I don’t necessarily see this a midlife crisis – especially when I know what the end result will be; being healthier and looking better, feeling good about myself. I already have the motorcycle and a convertible isn’t as practical around these parts as one might like to think.
So, anyway … I’ll likely continue to share my progress (and misery) along the way.
It’s been a while since I found myself in a position of discovering something new sexually. I think my long break in updating my blog is a pretty accurate clue as to the fact nothing new has been happening on that front.
It’s something I’ve had a number of conversations about over the years – online and in person:
Why sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think …
As sexual beings, we’re driven by our needs for intimacy and intercourse. On a base level, it’s a natural act of procreation … on an emotional level it’s an act of validation and humanity. And while most of us go about our business within the defined societal rules for sexual interaction, there’s always that thought in the back of your mind about pushing the limits. I’m not talking about breaking laws here … or even breaking hearts. But there are those thoughts that drive our desires for discovering something new.
Quite simply, it’s the fear of the unknown.
It doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was a pretty average, monogamous woman content with her marriage and sex life. I came into my relationship with limited sexual experience and no designs on taking it to any outrageous heights. I was a little naïve and I was happy just getting laid.
I’ve said before that if it wasn’t for my husband, I probably would have never tried anything close to what I have in life – and you certainly wouldn’t even be reading about it. I would still be that girl being happy she was getting laid.
Thankfully, and lovingly, he has pushed me to try new things and new experiences. He showed me that there really is an awful lot more in life than just being happy getting laid.
When I first began to embrace the idea of adding a new degree of spark to my marriage, I absolutely had an enormous amount of fear. I was afraid that we may “go too far” and “what if we do something that affects our relationship”. Jealousy, infidelity … talent and ability; all of that crossed my mind in the many conversations we had in the beginning. I really struggled with the idea that we may cross a line that we couldn’t erase.
But I was hooked on the idea. I was hooked on the idea that I could be happy being the girl who was more than just getting laid.
And after finding the momentary bravery – often fuelled by a hint of liquid courage – I immersed myself in those experiences without trying to think ahead. And what I soon discovered was that the fear of even beginning was way bigger than any of the “fallout” after the fact.
In fact, I soon figured out that one of the easiest ways to overcome the doubt was the orgasmic release that resulted from the encounters. The bigger challenge wasn’t living in the moment and enjoying the sexually-charged atmosphere – it was trying to not over-think the experience.
By the time you get to the point where intimacy is going to be a reality, you’ve already made up your mind that there’s enough curiosity, desire and chemistry for something to happen.
As people, I think once we venture into a moment of sensuality, the feelings of intimacy begin to take over. That soft kiss on the thigh begins to draw out a stronger sense of desire, which in turn, takes your mind away from your doubts. By the time you feel the hot breath of a new partner on your body, and tongues and fingers in places only your husband has been … you’ve begun to discover there’s not a lot to be feared.
To discover that you like sex just for the sake of having sex is liberating; to discover you like the taste of another woman and the softness of her kisses erases a lifetime of sexual repression. Of course, it doesn’t mean your love and ability to maintain intimacy with your partner has been replaced. It means you’ve figured out a way to overcome doubt and the human emotions of fear and jealousy. It means you defeated someone else’s standards for how you should experience pleasure.
That’s probably why the realization of sexual discoveries isn’t as big a deal as you think it is. Sex is good, sometimes really, really good … but it’s still sex. Fear and doubt, though, those are much more difficult to embrace. Letting go of feeling like you need to live according to how society dictates you should, that’s monumental.
Sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think, once you get there.
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Do you ever see someone – a perfect stranger – and wonder what they would be like as a lover, as a partner … as a one-night stand?
There’s this guy I see most mornings on my drive into work. He stands at the end of his driveway with his young kids waiting with them for their school bus. As much as I can tell as I drive by, he’s a handsome man – and obviously a pretty good father. He dresses somewhat casually, and appears to be fairly fit.
But you know, sometimes my mind takes these little turns and thoughts pop into my head that aren’t exactly vanilla. Here’s this guy, who I know absolutely nothing about as a person, other than in the mornings he is out in all kinds of weather with his kids, waiting. So my mind wanders; what does he do after the bus leaves? Does he work at home? Where’s the kids’ mom? Is she inside all dressed up in naughty lingerie waiting for a morning session of sweaty sex?
Or, maybe, he’s alone. Maybe he wishes there was someone waiting back in the bedroom, dressed in naughty lingerie. Maybe his wife is so wrapped up in her own career now that she’s basically left him to be Mr. Mom.
What would happen if I just pulled into the driveway one day as the school bus passed me?
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Not a brilliantly sexy entry today.
In Canada over the past week there’s been tremendous outpouring of grief, support and compassion following the terrible, terrible accident in Humboldt, Saskatchewan. What may seem strange to some people is just how deep that accident affected our nation. In Canada, hockey is such a big part of our fabric. It’s just part of who we are.
And, frankly, mass deaths are just not part of our cultural reality either. To Canadians, it’s very shocking; even more so when it involves young lives taken way too soon.
Of course, as we move through the collective mourning, questions beyond the situation begin to arise in conversations and relationships. I think it’s a natural part of understanding death to recoil into yourself and examine how you’re pursuing your own life, your own dreams … your own legacy.
It’s a simple question. But I don’t believe it comes with any simple answers:
If you were dying and could only offer one piece of advice, what would it be?
You know, for me this question is almost a plague. I don’t mean that in a flippant way, but it’s something that, as I grow older, I find myself internalizing and struggling to answer to my own accord. It rests in a corner of my mind, challenging the decisions I made in my life so far, the impact of those decisions on my family, my relationship, and my own sense of worth. What advice can you leave that doesn’t get lost in a clichéd moment of “if it was only that simple.”
There’s a lot of reality to “pursue your dreams” and “live life by your own rules.” Very real obstacles will stand in your way – some, perhaps, insurmountable. There will be societal rules and, often, obligations. If you spend all that time pursuing a dream and it never comes to fruition, is your legacy that of someone who tried despite the odds, or (cynically) is your legacy that of a failure? These are real thoughts you must overcome and set a path for yourself.
When you’re young, you don’t consider some of this. Often you’re working to establish a life based on what society expects of you – a career, financial plan, car, family, house … a stable relationship where you know the other person’s last name. Our society also has a very dark and twisted way of dragging you into materialism and debt. It doesn’t take long before you’re wondering if vacation this summer is a week at a KOA, or if you work hard and save, can we spend a week somewhere tropical?
It’s so easily done – and so insidious – how your life gets into the routine where other people have greater control and influence on your decisions. In short time, you’ve not only mortgaged your house, but also your soul.
And then “boom” … something rattles your world, and you begin to reflect on where you are, what you’re doing – and why.
It’s easy to paint that as the stereotypical “midlife crisis”, but the truth is, it’s not something a Mercedes convertible or a trophy wife/husband is going to solve. Your path has been paved by someone else’s expectations of where they think you need to be. For so many people, this is what creates that feeling of being trapped – trapped by the inability to shed that life and challenge themselves.
One of the greatest quotes I’ve heard on this came from comedian (and Canadian) Jim Carrey. He said “so many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality.”
That’s very true. Our habit is to create a safe zone and rarely venture from it.
For me, pushing those boundaries is a big part of my website and sexual experiences I’ve had in my marriage. When I first started down this path, the whole idea was about fulfilling a need for excitement, testing the waters of my sexuality and fantasies. Even now, 16 years later, there’s a frightening aspect to it that still weighs on me, but I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made. It’s a small way of pushing against complacency, despite the potential risks and consequences. It’s one less thing that, when my time comes, I can answer the “what if?”
It hasn’t been easy. There’s constant doubt, fear … worries about the impact pursuing a simply impulse might have in the long run. It can be very hard to overcome the societal mores; which is also what I think people fight against when trying to bring meaning and purpose to life – and not just from the sexual perspective like mine.
I’m at a stage right now of that self-reflection; a time in my life when I’ve come to consciously understand how precious and limited our time on this earth can be. I’ve started to wonder – almost plan – whether or not the best idea is to skip the “retirement savings” and live today and let the future be what it is.
I won’t call it a midlife crisis though, merely a process of taking stock and evaluating what my true desires are.
There are so many other adventures to be had, so many paths to forge … if there’s enough bravery and determination.
My advice: Embrace the adventure; make it yours not someone else’s.