Category Archives: Fantasies
A burning question that’s been in my inbox for … about five years (I started out on my blog with a lot of really good intentions!): How do I get my shy husband to try something a little wilder with me?
I guess that might depend on your version of “wild.”
I don’t think it’s any secret that a common theme runs through all the stuff I post on here – when you want to do anything, change anything, try anything, stop anything in a sexual relationship, you need to communicate. The only way to keep a relationship healthy is by talking to each other and keeping an open mind – even if it means you’re closing the door on a specific experience.
It’s never easy trying to coax anyone into leaving their comfort zone. My husband has invested 26 years in slowly (and occasionally, quickly) helping me expand and explore my own limits. We’ve tried things I would have never imagined, and some that I never imagined would leave my imagination.
Getting me into this adventure started with a lot of small steps, all of which were great ways to gradually spice up our marriage. We didn’t take a huge leap right into many of the experiences we’ve had, but played them out in our mutual fantasies, often as post-sex conversation … sometimes mid-sex conversation. He was very encouraging for me to open up about my thoughts, and gradually let him in on some of the fantasies I never dreamed I could ever share.
He did a lot of simple things to set that stage – created fun little question and answer games, romantic dinners with a twist. For example, on one birthday, he created a sort of scavenger hunt for me: When I got to my car at work there was a set of envelopes on my seat, numbered. I had to follow each one, in order, before the final destination. He thought of everything to make it easy, a little challenging, but fun as hell. Starting at a lingerie shop for underwear, right through to an outfit and shoes; by the time I met him, I was completely made-up, dressed up and ready for a date.
At Christmas, he put together a “naughty list” stocking for me – which I would open on Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed. It was filled with fun adult gifts and naughty toys, all designed to add a little more sexual excitement to the end of a very stressful month (December is always a toughie).
Along the journey to helping me discover a new sexual side, he encouraged me to let go of the hang-ups I had. I can’t tell you how terrifying it was at first to admit to him about the flirtatious experiences I was enjoying online and at work. There were bumps along the way, more conversations, a bit of back and forth … and it was work. It took effort to not crawl back into my shell and plod along in life never testing the waters again.
Without question, it had to be a challenge for him too. It takes a certain kind of man to shed his own insecurities and let trust take over. I know he struggled at times as well … but he always told me how much more rewarding it was to see his wife developing into an exciting, confident and sexually-engaged woman than it was to remain in a relationship of mundane suburban cohabitation (his words).
My husband gradually introduced ‘new’ things to our relationship as my own comfort level and interest emerged from the depths of my mind. A touch stereotypical, it included lingerie for the bedroom, stiletto heels that would never been seen on me in public, sex toys. We played with the video camera and (pre-digital) the Polaroid camera. All that helped me see, in his eyes, how sexy he thought I was.
It’s amazing how much your sexual confidence grows when you see and hear constant reinforcement from someone you love dearly. Knowing I could be open and vulnerable allowed me to find more of that sexual confidence and my desire to blossom. Once the seal was broken, I wanted even more.
For me, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing from that point on, but more about no longer being afraid to try. I didn’t feel there would be some sort of humiliation or retribution. I had a sense of confidence and freedom to not only participate in some of his ideas for us as a couple, but introduce him to mine. What began as his efforts to get me to be more adventurous turned into a journey we shared.
My friend, Miles, recently shared a fun Internet article with me about female masturbation confessions. It was an amusing piece with women giving examples of when they got caught, strange items and a couple downright creepy moments (such as the girl who got caught by her dad…who simply stood by and cheered her on).
I had a strong sense my friend was, in his own way, probing to see if I have any more of my own “confessions” to make.
I think we all have a sexual curiosity; and there are those moments when we feel adventurously horny. But what would make it a “confession”? I mean, seriously, I’ve written at length about self-pleasure; made movies for you to watch me pleasure myself; and, constantly share research data with you about who else is masturbating and how often.
I’m not sure there’s much left to confess in terms of my own masturbation adventures. There have been a couple unusual objects, public viewings and those old days when I actually had time to share on webcam. My husband has caught me masturbating, my children have interrupted me while I was masturbating … I’ve held conversations on the phone with people while masturbating (and they didn’t know what I was up to). I’ve never been afraid to talk about – or experience – moments of self-pleasure.
However, I didn’t always feel this way. There was a time in my youth when I carried a hint of shame around over the act. Some of that was my Catholic upbringing, and some of it was my level of self-esteem. Masturbation is a hugely private matter, and when you let others in on your secret, you expose your own vulnerability.
Masturbation is also something women just aren’t supposed to do. Society has twisted views on how women are supposed to behave, and the sexual acts they are socially allowed to participate in.
Maybe the one confession I can revisit with you – since I have disclosed about all there is to disclose – is how my morning commute can be more intriguing than just another traffic jam. I still find my mind wandering back to these kind of moments when I am lost in … you know.
One of my former jobs allowed me to dress in a more flirtatious and teasing manner. Every now and then, I would take advantage of lovely warm summer weather and my libido to wear something just a little sexier than usual.
The highway is always busy – with frequent stops, sits and starts. When you have those moments to reflect on the naughty side of life, your mind can take you into some very interesting places. It was also during this period in my life where my relationship with my Office Guy was really beginning to heat up; fueling a lot of my fantasies … and adding reason for wearing certain outfits to work.
The particular morning I’m thinking about I remember feeling much braver than most. I was horny, and life at home – busy as it always is – was leaving me a little unsatisfied. I was wearing a particular dress I always feel very sexy in, and my imagination was drifting to a place directly connected to my temporarily neglected pussy. About halfway through my drive, I got into one of those rolling flirting games. A transport truck had been consistently staying beside me. I figured the driver could see a hint of the exposed flesh of my thighs – the hem of my dress was up high enough to give him a teasing glimpse. At first, it was an innocent coincidence. The guy honked, gave a little wave and smiled at me … I smiled back. A few kilometers up the road, we found ourselves stopped side by side. I glanced, he smiled and I’m pretty sure was enjoying the view.
This flirting carried on until we reached a point where everyone had come to a stand-still. The truck came up beside me, again, and just stayed in place…I could only assume so he could look into the front seat of my truck and continue to enjoy the view of my legs. As the game had been going on, I had also been sexting with my husband (I use voice-to-text, so don’t judge me) and he had sent me some pretty steamy messages. Teasing with both men had my libido on the rise and my panties wet.
Feeling brave and not having much else to do while waiting for the traffic to move, I pulled up the hem of my dress so it revealed my panties. Without looking over at the guy next to me, I slipped my fingers under the leg band and began to gently massage my very warm pussy.
I kept playing, pretty much losing myself in the moment until traffic cleared. I pulled ahead and left my poor road voyeur with nothing but the memory of seeing my fingers buried between my thighs, working myself into a sexual lather.
Later in the day, I found a private moment to provide some sexual relief … and waited a very long time before ever telling my husband about how while he was sending me naughty texts I was masturbating for a trucker next to me on the highway.
I don’t think it’s any secret that my blog has suffered a healthy dose of neglect lately. It’s not that I’ve given up on it – but more that I’m at a loss.
When I first started blogging several years ago, I was at a different point in my life. I was feeling very sexually charged and ready for a world of adventure. I was discovering so many new things about myself and my sexuality – not to mention enjoying this incredible sense of freedom to explore.
But then something crazy happened … life; real life away from the Internet, away from the sexual adventure my husband and I were pursuing, away from the freedom and opportunity to experiment openly … away from the fascination of fantasy.
It wasn’t an intentional left turn. It just happened.
These days I find myself struggling with a sense of who I am as a sexual being. Sometimes I feel “too old” to be doing this or that – and other times, the guilt I repressed for so many years bubbles to the surface a little bit and I think “I need to be more mature and respectable.” Most times, I just can’t find the time to slip back into that part of my personality.
Way back when I started my blog, the idea was for me to invite you into my adventure. You, my dear readers, were my outlet for things that I obsessed over that I couldn’t share in real life. Oh, the experiences have been very real – but you know what I mean when I say I can’t show up for work on Monday and tell my coworkers that I spent Saturday night with some guy who wasn’t my husband nestled between my thighs, munching on my pussy. We’d like to fantasize that the world accepts that – but we all know it doesn’t work that way.
Over time, my blog also became a way for me to share my inner thoughts, offer a little sexual or relationship advice and dispense the occasional bit of what I call “secret girl knowledge.” That part of it has been very important to me. I always wanted this to be more of a conversation than just something for you to read.
But now, so much of my imagination has become about balancing the household budget when the reality of expenses hit, paying the bills and taxes; and how we’re going to financially guide our oldest child through his university experience. Monstrous realities that strip you of that sexual desire even at the best of times.
And, of course, that leaves me wondering about whether or not you would find those truths all that engaging; especially when you’ve come to know the Andee part of me – the sexual woman who enjoys the flirtations and teasing.
I guess, in a way, I’m fishing here … wondering what you, as a reader, think. What is it that draws/drew you to my blog – and what should/could I do to restore some regularity to it?
My curiosity hasn’t stopped; I think it’s only shifted to a new direction. Now I need to see where that takes me.
As I slowly immerse myself back into blogging and trying to breathe some life into this ol’ thing, my mind has been drifting towards the “comfortable go-to” topic of sexual fantasies. I guess part of me believes it’s a subject a lot of you are interested in hearing about – plus, part of me is convinced you’re not that interested in reading about my laundry, dinner-making or Taxi-Mom attributes that truly dominate my life right now.
The other day I revisited the idea of why I think it’s important for couples to share their sexual fantasies. Some ‘experts’ in the field of relationships caution against sharing. They believe that opening up on a subject that is founded solely on imagination can poke the dragon of real jealousy. I tend to disagree, because I like to think that in order for a relationship to reach its full potential, both parties much be willing to be vulnerable – and trusting.
Again, it’s about the communication and understanding of what makes your partner “tick.” In the end, I think you’ll know if your relationship is healthy enough to explore the darkest corners of your partner’s psyche.
Three tactics to get her to share her fantasies
You’ll need to really put some serious thought into this initial tactic – and it doesn’t need to be a secluded table for two in that hoity-toity restaurant you drive by on the way to grab a burger and fries. The idea is the seclusion – but lots of couples can accomplish that at home too. In fact, making a nice meal for her and hiding your cell phone in the cutlery drawer for a whole night may be the kind of connection she’s looking for.
Showing her that you’re serious about listening to her will help her begin to open up. Once a woman has confidence that she won’t be judged for her imagination, she might just make the leap towards letting you inside for a look around. Any hint of jealousy – or worse, mockery – will make her close up even more and chances are you’ll never get the opportunity again.
Time away from real life
An extended long weekend at a resort can be an amazing way to restart those sexual fires. When you remove the reminders of real life – the laundry piles, the dirty dishes – it’s amazing how the mind can be free to explore. There’s been a lot of different studies on how a new environment can fan the flames of sexual excitement – and let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a hot and sweaty fuck in a hotel room every now and then.
Another big part to squirreling her away for a weekend – it puts both of you into a new setting, level ground so to speak. Stepping away from the distractions will help you rediscover the fun and intimacy. Again, just make sure you’re demonstrating a commitment to hearing her – leave the cellular gadgets out of reach and connect on a human level with your partner for 48 hours. You’ll be amazed at how much that can influence what she shares with you.
No, this isn’t a ridiculous suggestion. Let’s be honest, women do carry a big responsibility for the household. That’s not me throwing out gender stereotypes – because I know there are guys who do help around the house – but there are a lot of women out there who feel the need to not only shatter the glass ceiling in the corporate world, but make sure it’s free of smudges and fingerprints at home. For a lot of us in a certain generation, we grew up with mothers who were of that first generation mutlitasker career woman/housewife. And we were exposed to the household inbalance, which can be a bit of a struggle to shed.
This one isn’t just meant as a one-off, either. Consistent help, and consistent surprises of discovering those most-hated chores have been done without you being asked to do them will go a long way in helping her put her mind at ease. Which gives her more time to allow her imagination to wander. A stress-free mind can be a delightfully dangerous thing … not to mention, naughty.
And one suggestion – that in my opinion – won’t help…
It’s pretty simple, really. Your fantasy may be to get her to dress up a little more sexy; whereas she is struggling with her own sense of self and body image. You need to have a good understanding of how her imagination fires, and what gets her libido going. What you think is a fairly standard sexual fantasy may be far-removed from what she really desires.
The only way you’ll gain that understanding is by relying on the one tactic that never fails – especially when combined with patience: communication.
There’s always that nagging little voice in the back of a lot of people’s heads that says “you probably shouldn’t…”
I first wrote about this very idea some five years ago … and at a time when it seems my imagination was much more on fire. Ah, how time and life conspire against us to quell the naughtiness. That and a house full of inquisitive teenage boys.
Actually, I don’t think that my opinion on sharing fantasies has changed – and I’m not even sure my own fantasies have changed…much. Maybe some have become tainted with a bit too much reality, but that isn’t to say I’ve given up on them.
More of what I think these days is around the opportunity to share those thoughts and ideas. For me, it’s easy to be more open minded and sexually astute when my libido is high. But when life turns and you struggle to even find brief moments of intimacy in a spinning schedule, it can be a challenge to “feel” the fantasy, never mind talk about it. When your days are murky with work stresses and the routine of raising a family, etc., it’s hard to get in the creative mood.
I think that’s also why things slowed down with this blog…it’s hard to keep the focus on those sexually intriguing aspects of life when your mind is bogged down with the mundane.
So, in a way, it becomes even more important to make the most of the opportunities when they do arise – and keeping the commitment to “life-long, marriage-strong” communication.
Communication is what will keep things on track for when those doors open again. And, by understanding what continues to inspire each others’ imagination is key to keeping the marriage alive during these busy, mind-numbing real-life slumps.
The caution, of course, is in how those fantasies may be interpreted. If life is so busy you can’t connect as a couple, will the other person see you sexual distractions as a sign of infidelity/boredom/need to break away? How do you achieve that balance? That’s a really good question – and I’d love to hear your ideas.
Of course, I’m not the most perfect example of following my own advice. I think if you asked my husband today about my sexual fantasies he would, at least, be able to give Version 1.0. The updates, maybe not so much at the moment.