Monthly Archives: February 2015
Hookups — brief uncommitted sexual encounters between individuals who are not romantic partners or dating each other.
“Hookups have emerged from more general social shifts taking place during the last century. Hookups began to become more frequent in the 1920s, with the upsurge of automobiles and novel entertainment, such as movie theaters. Instead of courting at home under a parent’s watchful eye, young adults left the home and were able to explore their sexuality more freely.
By the 1960s, young adults became even more sexually liberated, with the rise of feminism, widespread availability of birth control and growth of sex-integrated college party events. Today, sexual behavior outside of traditional committed romantic pair-bonds has become increasingly typical and socially acceptable (Bogle, 2007, 2008).” — Source
This is, quite easily, one of the more difficult TMI Tuesdays for me. Having been in a committed relationship now for almost 25 years, there isn’t a vast amount of “hook-up” dishing to be had. However, the idea captivates my attention because of the very nature of it – the pure sexual freedom and no emotional attachment. There’s a lot of potential in that.
There is a great debate somewhere in all of this – people of my generation and older may see these encounters as the old “one-night stand.” Whereas, as mentioned above, today’s youth may very well see these “sex for sex sake” encounters as normal behaviour.
1. When was your last hook-up?
So, here is where we will begin with my own twist on the concept. I can’t say that my encounter is a hook-up in the truest of senses, mainly because it was carefully planned, my husband was present for the entire encounter … and the only outcome was the exchange of oral sex.
But that wonderful encounter took place in March 2012
2. Briefly describe the hook-up?
I had invested about three years of really committed flirting and teasing of the guy before making the leap. It’s described in great detail in another blog entry.
3. How did you feel physically and emotionally after your last hook-up?
Physically, it was an incredible moment in my adult life. The orgasm I experienced left me weak in the knees for hours. Emotionally was more of a challenge. There was no guilt on my behalf, I had the unbelievable support and encouragement from my husband to go ahead with the encounter, so my conscience was clear. But in the days after, I still felt confused. I had an intense desire (and still do) to take the next step and push the sexual envelope a bit more, but I also had to accept that the freedom I enjoyed was not shared for my partner. For him it was very much an “affair” and he had to make some tough decisions based on reality as opposed to sexual fantasy.
4. Are you still acquainted with the person from your hook-up?
We are still friends, although I don’t hear from him as much as I would like. We no longer work together and have since taken different paths in life.
5. How often do you engage in hook-ups?
This was the one and only time … so far.
6. What do you like most about engaging in hook-ups?
Well, outside of the previously stated lack of experience, I like the idea of being able to sexually explore without an emotional commitment. There’s something to be said for the sense of freedom.
Bonus: Are you married and having hook-ups?
Um … see above. But yes, I am married – happily, lovingly married.
I can’t really say when I first heard the word, or discovered the intended meaning; but what I do know is that it came to me as some enlightenment. I’m more than perfectly content in my marriage; have no desire for cheating. But like many others in this world, with age comes experience and with experience comes a desire for more experience on a higher level. And you get to a point where you make a choice to either accept and suppress those thoughts or open yourself up, share them with your partner and see where the path may take you.
I kind of view the latter as where I’m at right now. I’ve reached an age where the restraints of what others think of me have broken away and I’m far more comfortable with who I am. From a sexual perspective, I’m also at a point where I don’t want to feel like I have to settle for routine or social mores that dictate what couples are allowed to do. I still have enormous curiosities and I’m not willing to just “forget it and move on” like so many people I know.
Some studies estimate anywhere between 20 and 25 per cent of people will have sexual relations with someone other than their spouse while married. And even the people doing the surveys have said they think this number is pretty conservative. We all know the statistics on divorce – and that those are not very healthy numbers.
But those studies have, from what I’ve read, focused on the idea of cheating on a partner – mostly because I think it would be difficult to accurately determine good numbers on those couples who don’t fit into the strict definition of loyal monogamists and those who are willing to admit they’re crotch deep into the wild and wacky world of “full-swap swinging.”
So as I began to discover what “monogamish” meant – even if it’s not a true word in a dictionary sense – I began to discover that’s where I felt I truly belonged. I have no interest in leaving what I have (as already stated, but some will miss that point), but I have fantasies I want to see become realities… and I just don’t see the label of “swinger” really fitting my ideas. To me, these can come to fruition because of the investment my husband and I have made over the past two decades together. It has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction at home, but rather a sense of sexual freedom within our commitment. It’s an important part of the whole sexual adventure.
Some may view the idea as strange and twisted – and if that’s what your own personal morals tell you, then that’s OK too.
For me, “monogamish” allows for the freedom to explore my sexual boundaries and desires without stepping outside of my commitment to my marriage. Of course, these experiences involve having my husband directly involved – which may add to the complexity of my personal definition because I don’t see my experiences as infidelity. I see them as sexual exploration with permission. And so, some may think this is not true freedom but a bizarre crossroads of not knowing what we want out of our sexual experience.
And I’m sure you’re looking at this going “isn’t that just swinging?” And, it probably is. Just without the on-premise/off-premise night clubs, couples dating sites and full body waxing … or maybe with.
I have long admitted that I am very blessed – and spoiled – with some of the friendships I have made online since I began my crazy adventure back in 2002. This week, I have another lingerie update, courtesy of my friend Matt – who has been very generous to me for a long time now. I hope you take a moment to slip over and see more from this update!