Category Archives: Humour

Big Brother and your sex fantasies

If you follow my blog with any regularity, you’ll notice lately that I haven’t been a very good girl at keeping up with my written posts. I have to admit there are two very real reasons for this: a) time, and, 2. my stalled imagination.

For me it can be hard to feel inspired to come up with something that you’ll find interesting enough to read, and yet falls within my whole purpose of this blog. I’m not sure you’d want to read much about the mundane things that fulfill most of my days – and let’s be realistic, no matter how we want it to be, life can’t always be just about sex.

So, as one method of trying to spark my creativity again, I tried one of those online blog-topic generators. I admit that a lot of the results were just silly, but this one absolutely killed me. And then I thought, damn, I really should write about it …

What the government doesn’t want you to know about sexual fantasies

There could be a broad swath of conspiracy theories at work here, but I figure there are at least five good reasons why governments are hiding the truth about sexual fantasies from us.

  1. Sexual fantasies lead to happier, free-thinking citizens. Happy, free-thinking citizens aren’t as easy to corral as those easily manipulated taxpayers who unquestioningly return us to office election after election.
  2. Sexual fantasies lead to a population that is less stressed. Less stressed, like above, means the population has more time to think rationally and intelligently about government initiatives – and rebel against what we tell them is for their own good.
  3. Sexual fantasies lead to people spending time in bed – away from the cultural mechanisms we have created to generate income for our vast waste (and waist lines). People exploring in the privacy of their own bedrooms means less time spending money on items we can tax.
  4. Sexual fantasies lead to costly health care services – injuries sustained in the bedroom after trying to introduce a 50 Shades role-play, pregnancies, etc.
  5. Sexual fantasies lead to a population explosion – which in 18 years could lead to more voters. More voters mean we, as elected officials, have to work harder to convince a larger population that our policies and tax hikes are in their best interest. That’s a lot of work.

There you have it! As you can see, sexual fantasies aren’t good from a political point of view … and that’s long before we talk about the perverse nature of them.

What about you? Think of anything I may have missed? (Just remember though – Big Brother might be reading)

Andee     xoxo

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TMI Tuesday | Random kink

I can’t say there’s an awful lot about me that would be considered “kinky.” I enjoy sex, and many variations of it, but I’m not a role-player type, definitely not a frequent dabbler in BDSM … and I’ve never been one for spanking, humiliation or degradation.

Dressed to blogNo, my sexual kinks may be more easily defined in the pursuit of vanilla sex in a less than conventional manner. I like it missionary, I like it doggy-style … I just want to explore with outside of the contemporary view of marriage and monogamy. Kink to me implies lots of leather and kitchen utensils; cosplay and characters – things I’m basically not turned on by.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have an open mind when it comes to whatever turns other people on. On the contrary, I’m rather intrigued by it all. And so, with this week’s TMI Tuesday, we have a few random kinks to work on … along with other thoughts.

1. You have been asked to organize a sex & kink weekend. Will you be more of a “hands-on” person or more of an “ideas” person?

I’m an idea person. I think my creativity far out-distances my willingness to be hands on.

2. Assuming you are the hands-on type at this weekend sex romp, and you’ve entered a tent to ‘play’ with a male/female couple. Would you like to be given clear instructions before you begin to ‘play’ or do you prefer to be given the general idea of the task and work it out your own way.

In situations where the “hands on” aspect is important, I still like to let the moment develop on its own. I’ve found if you stick to the “script” too closely, you’re more libel to miss out on what could have been because you were so focused on trying to ensure the moment followed the plan you laid out in the first place. You miss those little nuances that could take it in a whole different direction. The best things in life – especially when it comes to sex – come from those unexpected left turns.

3. True or False. “During sex, I like to hear and accept feedback.”

False. During sex I like to hear a little dirty talk, lots of moaning, groaning, heavy breathing and the occasional “Oh fuck yes!” However, AFTER sex, I’m all for a little post-mortem of the moment. Let’s find out what worked, what was hot … what was too much and what was “yeah, let’s never speak of that again.”

4. What are you wearing right now?

Seriously? What female blogger worth her weight in chiffon is NOT sitting at her computer answering these questions in an amazingly sexy lace teddy from (insert your favourite lingerie company) with garters, black stockings with the seam that runs all the way up the back and her favourite pair of patent-leather 5-inch stiletto heels? And while I’m pondering the answer to each question, I’m flirtatiously playing with my rhinestone necklace and wondering if I could get that unbelievable hot delivery guy to flirt with me tomorrow if I left my wedding rings at home.

But while you mull that over, I’ll just cuddle up with my laptop on the couch while wearing my comfy yoga pants and t-shirt. And yes, I have underwear on underneath, but I honestly can’t remember if it matches my bra.

5. I show loyalty to my lover by ________ .

Never hiding a thing from him when it comes to our sex life, my desires and my fantasies (mostly). I show loyalty by being unwaveringly open with him, sharing the responsibility of initiating conversation around our sexual (and non-sexual) life together.

But mostly by honouring the commitment we made to each other over 20 years ago; and working on our relationship in good times and even harder in bad times – and NEVER diminishing what we have worked so hard to create together.

Plus, he’s never once complained about the occasional blowjob …

6. Do you always have to argue?

If you argue fair, it can be productive and progressive … HOWEVER … if you communicate on an adult level all the time, and recognize that relationships are not scripted perfection, the arguments are actually more healthy discussions with less vocal volume. A healthy relationship, if you ask me, also includes a willingness to allow a difference of opinion without judgement AND an agreement to occasionally disagree.

BONUS: Pick up the closest book to you, open it to page 55. The first line on that page reads:

Document collaboration means working with others to create, review, and revise a document to achieve the best end result.

Sorry folks, just finished a computer course at college and my textbook was just that much closer than the collection of erotic fiction for women by women. But if it’s any consolation, I’ll probably read a bit of that tonight before bed and then masturbate to the thoughts swirling around in my imagination.

Andee     xoxo

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Invisible Boyfriends?

The very strange and somewhat ‘sad’ mobile app launched today – Invisible Boyfriend/Girlfriend. The idea is for those lonely hearts to create a façade of having someone in their intimate life by relying on an app to send them text messages, phone calls, selfies and a handwritten note – all for around $25.

imaginary-friends-cartoonNow far be it from me to cast any judgement on anyone who would use such a service. I get “loneliness” and I get the need to put up a brave front among those more relationship-privileged peers and family members. And, according to the creators, it can also help maintain the shield of those in somewhat unique relationships or fear scorn for their sexual orientation by creating a plotline of romance and affection.

You know some people will buy into this.

But I started to think, despite the novelty concept, is this what technology has driven us to? Have we become such a society where we need to rely on our electronic gadgets to fulfill a relationship void in our lives?

Kinda scary when you get right down to it.

But all along, I kept thinking “invisible boyfriend … mine’s in the drawer in my night stand.”

Andee     xoxo

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TMI Tuesday | Memorable Moments

“Memorable sex is not necessarily amazing sex, though amazing sex is certainly memorable.”

I haven’t been the best at keeping up with the TMI Tuesday lately, but the past few months have been wild and crazy for me – and sadly not in a way that will make my answers to this week’s entry all that much more exciting.

tumblr_mdhe0fDrPn1ry6653o1_5001. Tell us your top 3 memorable and/or amazing sexual experiences thus far in 2014.

  1. My first orgasm of the year.
  2. My first time having intercourse of the year.
  3. Making my husband tell me his secret fantasy about his coworker

2. What made the encounters memorable/amazing?

For questions 1 and 2, it makes more sense once you understand that in December 2013 I had a fairly serious operation that certainly changed a substantial part of what makes me a woman. Being laid up for six weeks, and then having another two added on before intercourse was allowed made for a very frustrating start to 2014. And when I felt good enough to try to coax an orgasm out with the aid of my favourite battery-operated boyfriend (external manipulation only), it was very nerve-wracking. I had already endured a major change in the quality and initiation of my orgasms after childbirth, so I was terrified of another change in my ability to have them.

It took a great deal of getting used to; and I suppose I still am 10 months later.

As for my husband’s confession … there is nothing hotter than tormenting a man, taking him to the absolute brink of the point of no return and making him share his naughtiest thoughts. My husband has a particular coworker who I have known for some time that he has a bit of an affection for. One night, fairly recently actually, I made him tell me in graphic detail about her, and what he thinks she would be like sexually. I LOVE hearing his fantasies.

3. What is memorable and amazing about you?

Oh boy … a vanity question. Um … this is what guys tell me, not so much what I believe:

First thing is my eyes. Deep, dark brown; guys always compliment me and tell me how sexy my eyes are. I’ll take it.

Second thing are my legs. Again, I tend to think I’m too short to have sexy legs, but they certainly seem to come up in conversation from my website pics and Twitter. Once again, I’ll take it.

Third thing – and this is truly my one sliver of sexual vanity – my oral sex talents. I’ve willingly accepted that this is something I excel at, mostly because I actually took a course in how to give them. But also because it’s something that I think both the guy and myself can enjoy in the heat of the moment; and shared sexual experiences that border on amazing … it’s a given that they are good things.

BONUS: Which of the things listed below should be infectious?

a. smiles
b. wealth
c. laughter
d. good health

Wealth is too fickle, and has far too many interpretations. For me, c) and d) are the two things that should be infectious.

Andee     xoxo

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Five Reasons Flirting Is Fading

Without question, I like to flirt. And I don’t discriminate; men, women, white, black, blue, green. I’m a people person and if I find a way to have a connection with someone who intrigues that part of my psyche, I’m game for a little flirtatious interaction. And I think if you have paid any attention along the way the past four years that I have been blogging and Twittering, you’ll know flirting is something I take very seriously.

Sadly, I’m also learning these days that flirting – even when done really well – is a dying art.

Five Reasons Flirting is Fading

can_i_flirt_with_you_cartoon_character_t_shirt-p2355995203741321143myt_4001. Political Correctness is Killing Our Fun

I hazard to say that anyone working in a professional environment in North America can attest that workplace political correctness and over-bearing human resources policies have driven a huge wooden stake right through the heart of gender relations. Men and women are no longer allowed to play the Mars and Venus game, they are required to fall in line with some policy that says Marcie in accounting can’t be ogled by Bill in sales, even if Bill wasn’t actually ogling. We have policied ourselves into some level of social numbness where the only appropriate non-work related question can be able the lunch menu (if you dare).

Yes, sexual harassment is a real issue, but corporate policies are designed for mass implementation as opposed to identifying and addressing the cause. The challenge behind this is that it has created a huge scare, in which people are afraid to be anything but robotic little lemmings instead of individuals with unique interests, desires and senses of humour. The only safe conversation is “How was your weekend?” … and even can be sketchy at times. Oh, and Lord, don’t even mention your favourite NFL team if they happen to be from Washington, Kansas City or heaven-forbid, Green Bay (’cause all you know ‘packers’ has a suggestive meaning in some gay circles).

2. Technology Taints

A girl I work with – a single mom in her 40s – is back on the dating scene after her husband left her for some piece of fluff half her age. She’s learning that in this modern age, actual verbal communication falls low on the list of how it works. She’s also learning that the … um … sexual component of the dating game involves texting, sexting and selfies BEFORE an actual date has even taken place. I must say, we all did have a chuckle at the less than impressive penis shot her latest “date” sent her; this after only one brief encounter at a local coffee shop during her lunch hour.

What ever happened to the mystery?

Add to that, I just read an article today that says couples who meet online (dating sites, etc.) are less likely to get married and more likely to break up. I can only wonder if it’s because penis pics are becoming the norm … guys?

3. Conversation is Caput

Directly linked to the reason above, the two genders in our culture no longer seem to have the ability to talk to each other anymore. I see it constantly, especially with the younger adults. We’re connected to our gadgets. Sure, we can text 100 words per minute with just our thumbs, but we have no clue how to actually talk to someone of the opposite sex over a casual cup of coffee, never mind start up a flirtatious conversation ripe with barely-veiled sexual innuendo.

And even beyond the casual conversation that may occur between non-sexual relationships, we appear to have lost the ability – or maybe just the courage – to communicate with each other face-to-face.

4. Uber Feminism is Uber Annoying

I’m a feminist, an equalitist (made that one up) and a staunch believer in fairness all around. But I’m also woman and feminine enough to politely acknowledge a man who opens a door for me. I’m woman and girly enough to blush when a man (other than my husband) gives me a compliment on my hair/outfit/shoes/appropriate body part/etc. Some days I’ll even take the compliment on the inappropriate body part. I’m also woman enough to feel a little tingle between my thighs when I attract the attention of a man other than my husband, thus causing a slight distraction and/or dirty thought to pop into his head. In fact, I’m disappointed when I intentionally set out with that in mind and seemingly fail.

What I’m not is someone who is so fearful of my gender identity that I feel the need to treat men (and women) with suspicion and hostility just because they want to be nice to me. I’m not afraid of men, nor am I jealous and possessive to the point where my own husband is afraid of me.

We have forgotten how to be kind to each other and the anger between the sexes has created a battlefield where no one remembers how to act with dignity, grace and sincere flattery. We’ve forgotten that we’re supposed to have a polite level of sexual tension between us – that’s what leads to the preservation of the species through procreation.

5. Immediate Gratification

Our modern culture is focused strictly on satisfaction NOW. No one wants to wait; no one wants to invest some time and work towards a long-term reward. Flirting done well is an investment in the other person. It’s something that builds and forms a new layer in a relationship between two people. It’s not a cat-calling come-on, but a finely tuned conversation that allows the level of innuendo and humour to build naturally. Not done well it usually results in the other person thinking you’re just a horny creep.

Andee     xoxo

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