One Fantasy One Time Only

I find it hard to explain when I get asked if I would do something again; especially if that request is a sexual one.

There are experiences that are simply one-off moments in my sexual adventure. Some experiences “happen” without a lot of planning, while others have been discussed, analyzed, over-thought and over-questioned for months. And some were never intended to be anything more than “let’s try it, just once” and then moving on to the next thing.

Is this a bitter blog entry? I hope not, but I do hope that you will get a sense of why my sex life isn’t always this wild, swinging from the chandelier lifestyle.

Although the Internet – and my pseudo life as Andee – has given many wonderful avenues and opportunities to explore, behind all that is the real woman. A real woman who isn’t as confident as the Internet allows her to be, and has a habit of feeling really, REALLY, nervous when sexual opportunities come her way. It’s easy to be bold online; it’s not so easy to be as bold when you’re sitting on your bed in black lingerie, stockings and high heels while a man who isn’t your husband strokes his cock to incredible hardness while talking dirty about what he wants to do to you.

Ah yes, just like a recent video and photo session that took place that has been an idea for many, many years. It was also an experience that so many men had been begging me to try for years – almost as many years as I have been sharing myself online with you.

It was just not an experience I ever thought would actually happen … nor was I fully prepared to hear the kind of things from a man standing right in front of me about what he was about to do to me … while my body was going “fuck yes!” and my mind going “my hubby will save me from this, surely he can’t think this is a good thing.”

Still, even as we carefully planned and staged the experience, ensured the safety (and privacy where necessary) of everyone involved, it was an experience that I felt absolutely terrified over. But don’t get me wrong, it was also something I had had a very deep, burning, pussy soaking desire to try – if not just for those who were longing to see me do it, but also for myself. Good lord, I was desperate to try…

In the end, I was left unbelievably rocked in the greatest sense possible.

In fact, the Internet gave me the ‘rationale’ and almost the excuse. Thankfully, my friend is an amazing – inexplicably amazing – man who invested as much care and concern into my husband as he did with me. That’s a real rarity.

It’s not easy to find a ‘playmate’ who recognizes that an encounter is nothing more than a singular event. The Internet would have us believe that it’s as common as a blink where you can find a sex partner, have a wild, intimate fuck and then move on to the next idea. It will never capture the emotion, the human connection, the many (many) conversations and talking out the scenario.

Trust me, no 48-year old married woman is just hooking up with a boyfriend – especially one that may cross traditional barriers – like a snap of the fingers. It just doesn’t work like that, even if the Internet says it does.

In my case, this whole experience has taken a few years to come to fruition. I met my friend through school (less so than extra-marital sex, but still a terrifying experience for a 40-something woman), and together, we NEVER anticipated such an encounter. I bravely broached the subject of such an encounter when I was living overseas and we were simply engaged in very platonic online chatting. Slowly, over the span of a few months, I shared more and more about my life as Andee. He was genuinely intrigued – and surprisingly encouraging without ever offering a hint of sexual interest.

Four months ago, like so many throughout the pandemic, his personal life took a left turn. We began chatting more intimately about life and living. A small part of me – I think fueled by a couple gin and tonics – decided on night to see where the line was. I asked him if he ever considered the idea of me beyond the bounds of a married friend who would occasionally have a naughty chat. We began to talk about my website, real sex, adventure and experience. I’m not sure where it became more personal over philosophical, but it did. We shared openly about our own sexual past, desires and fantasies.

With him knowing about my life online, I told him how some of my fans had a desire to see me with a man other than my husband; bluntly, a black man…the cuckold fantasy. I have lived my life trying to be as “colour blind” as possible – I couldn’t care less about a man’s background, as long as he’s sincere, kind, loving, trustworthy and emotionally generous. I don’t even remember who said it first, but it got said … and neither of us shied away from the idea.

And that set it in motion.

This is a story with so much I could say, but I’m not sure it would take you anywhere different.

The conclusion to it all wouldn’t change. My friend is a dear love – a very platonic, dear love, who I share a very unique friendship with. Even without the sex. It’s bigger than a moment we created together to allow me a wonderful gift.

But I also know you want something as well, my dear readers. So …

Yes, he fucked me. Our platonic agreement set aside for a night; exchanged for a massive, breath-taking erection and a married woman wearing stockings trying to calmly rip open a condom wrapper. There’s a video and photos. Ask me if you don’t know where to see them.

More so, I think you want to know more about my outlook on the experience.

I can’t tell you how terrified I was. I must have asked my husband close to 1,000 times if this was right, if it would change things, was I doing what was right, what they hell I was thinking … all those scared shitless questions. Every single time, he assured me that everything would be perfect no matter what happened…that there would be no regrets, no “what ifs” when that final moment came.

I also can’t tell you how unbelievable it felt. It may take some time before my pussy recovers from the sensations and experience.

What I can tell you is that what happened once … will remain “what happened once.” Through all the times my husband and I explored swinging and testing the boundaries of our sexuality, I never had another man penetrate me so deeply, bring me such incredible pleasure. We played, we explored, we fantasized … we never reached this point.

But this wasn’t that. This experience was a gift from my husband and my friend for something that is outside the reality of who I really am, and where I want to be going forward. It will never replace what I have with a man who has loved me for over 30 years and shown me the greatest experiences a woman could imagine.

And for reasons that never come to reality on the Internet, it will only be a one-time experience. My friend and I … will indulge ourselves with friendship rather than sex.

But … damn … did I get fucked!

Andee     xoxo

Sex In My 40s – Which fantasies?

I wrote earlier about how, as I got older, my fantasies evolved.

I’m still outrageously turned on by the idea of sex with a stranger. If you’ve read my erotica, you’ll see that this is a common theme throughout; random encounters that have led to incredible moments of sexual discovery. Same with threesomes; the delicious naughtiness of having two playmates in my bed is phenomenal. Of course, writing about such ideas is somewhat easy – but it doesn’t make it any less of a fantasy for me.

As we mature, I think our fantasies do as well. Along with this, our willingness to let them flourish also matures; we become, in a sense, less intimidated by the notion. Our personal psychology has grown, our understanding developed and (hopefully) our fears reduced. It’s still natural to have some anxiety over these naughty thoughts in our imagination, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to put any of it into action.

For me, getting older also meant more freedom to let my imagination run wild. The guilt was gone, and the fear of being open about my thoughts also vanished. My fantasies became much more of an escape – and, as you probably have figured out, a huge part of my online not-so-secret life.

Part of the history of my website, and this blog, is deeply entrenched in my own fantasies: the voyeurism and exhibitionism, the exploration of where it could lead, the interaction with people on somewhat sexual terms. In a way, it touches on a part of me that was repressed for a long time (I grew up in a very Catholic house, so there’s a lot of repression in my life). And while “Andee” has really become this whole other woman so very different from the real me, she is still really me. She is the part of me who explores the fantasies, let’s her mind go crazy when she sees a cute guy, flirts like made with male coworkers and indulges in sexual innuendo. She doesn’t feel guilty, or as afraid; much braver than the real me.

So, what fantasies turn me on these days?

1. Threesome sex – absolutely still very high on my list of sexual fantasies I want to turn into a reality. Been close, but just not quite. The idea of involving another man in our bedroom activity absolutely makes me wet.
2. ‘Stranger’ sex – as mentioned at the start of today’s entry, this idea frequently pops into my mind when I’m feeling particularly horny. But not just random, nameless sex … my fantasy is complicated and detailed. Read my erotica and you’ll get it.
3. Lesbian sex – my bi-sexual/bi-curious leaning drives me crazy sometimes. It’s something I had a small taste of, and I still yearn for the moment when I can sate my appetite for another woman.

That is really the strong trio of what fills my imagination with dirty, dirty thoughts and makes my panties moist when my mind gets a bit too carried away.

Andee     xoxo

Fantasies | Someone else is into it

Something that comes up every now and then is the subject of sexual fantasies. Over the years, I’ve shared some of mine (let’s be honest, we all have one or six that we’ll just keep to ourselves) and I’ve had plenty of discussions with others about theirs.

The Internet is a marvel for the discovery of all the odds and ends of what floats people’s boats. And if I know anything about sexual fantasies it’s that no matter what you think, no matter what your kink, you are not alone. There’s a real likelihood that someone shares the exact same fantasy.

Let’s be honest, the internet is also a marvel for giving an outlet to the truly bizarre as well – but in it, we find not just an outlet for our imagination, we also find the opportunity for security and understanding.

My sexual fantasies are, for the most part, just what you might expect. They’re somewhat run-of-the-mill; most involve somewhat normal sexual interactions. You won’t have me morphing into some oddity, a giantess or a mythical goddess. Sorry if that’s what you were hoping for, but despite how active and naughty my imagination is … my fantasies remain firm in me being a very normal, sexually curious woman.

Of course, it’s easy to say that I likely fall into a large group of women (and men) who are fired up by the idea of what others may consider as ‘vanilla.’

On the other end of the spectrum, over 17 years of sharing my sexual self online, l have encountered people with very different sexual fantasies. From alien sex abductions to bestiality to body fluids/functions to Greek mythology, people have shared back … and these days, seldom is it something I haven’t yet heard. In the beginning of my internet amateur porn days, some of these ideas – frankly – were alarming. The young naive small town girl in me never imagined that some things would be sexual triggers for others. Now I know different. (Please don’t take that as a challenge … seriously, I’m okay with being the sharer)

Fantasies are healthy, and allow us to play stories in our minds where we are the leading character … where we are in control of the plot, and our desires. There’s lots of research that supports the position that having fantasies is also very normal.

What I have also learned is there are online communities which allow those with less vanilla interests to share and get a sense of their own normality, which I think is also healthy. Having an outlet to share, to communicate and safely explore your sexual fantasies is important not only to a person’s ongoing mental health … but also to the adventure of discovery.

No matter what we might think, we’re not alone in that journey.

Andee     xoxo

Are celebrities killing our sex lives

I started thinking about this blog post before I actually wrote the #metoo rant … so I had to go back and give this some thought again. The question was originally put to me when I was updating on a more regular basis.

Is our obsession with today’s “celebrity culture” killing our sex lives?

Absolutely.

Short and sweet. I think it really is. But it’s tied to a lot of how we’ve allowed the celebrity culture into our lives. It’s not just about another Kartrashian having yet another child with yet another basketball player or rapper that they’re not married to. It’s that, plus numerous other ways we give them credence and power over how we choose to exist in our less exciting worlds.

Think about how much social media plays a monumental role in our validation as people today. Or, our lies.

First, let’s be honest about me. I’m not exactly who you think I am. “Andee” is simply someone I have created, along with the help of my husband and my imagination, to become an online personality. A lot of what “she” shares with you is very real; the experiences, the thoughts, the ideas, the photos. But it’s not all of me. I have many very normal and mundane qualities that rarely surface in Andee. She is the sexual dynamo. She is the brave warrior who flirts shamelessly with coworkers, pursues her bi-curiosities and dresses in stockings and a garterbelt for a day at the office.

She’s the woman you wish lived next door, the woman my husband wished he woke up to every day (he’d say much different, but come on, he’s a horny dog like the rest of you and would love a nothing-but-sexually adventurous wife 24/7), and she’s the woman with unrelenting feminine confidence with a closet full or lingerie and power suits.

She’s not the woman who suffered through a cancer scare, endometriosis and a hysterectomy. She’s not the woman who’s battled through bouts of depression and almost crippling self-doubt. She’s not the scarred survivor of parenthood, filled with doubt and frustration. Her dark days never surface on here …

But things like that aren’t fun to blog about; nor are they ideas that I spent several years wanting to blog about. The sex and relationship stuff has always been my escape; my desire to be better and desired. So, in that sense, “Andee” is a big part of who I am.

Some of her is me, some of me is her. All of it is carefully vetted for the Internet; just like the celebrity lives we live through vicariously on Twitter and Instagram. Edited, cleansed and digitally enhanced.

Is it that difficult to see how these things will change our perspective on sex and relationships? When we only see the carefully concocted moments in brilliant lives, can we even begin to imagine that supermodels fart, or celebrities get that same three-month-long cough our lovely co-worker had last winter and refused to get treatment for?

With the Internet, we have a short cut to fulfilling the advice our parents’ gave us about being anything we want to be. All we need to do is apply the right filter, backdrop or snippets about vacation destinations.

Celebrity lives are no different – except they do that with the intent of drawing us closer to the false flame of belief. We are expected to believe they have perfect lives so we’ll continue to validate their place in society. The pursuit of perfection is in everything they do – the perfect role, perfect partner, perfect look, perfect body … the perfect endorsement deal.

That path leads to a very large part of our society thinking they need to live up to those expectations – and achieve the same degree of perfection … all without grasping the reality. It feeds the fire of “keeping up with the Joneses.”

It’s the “Judge me for the number of ‘likes’” approach to living.

It’s fakery.

As a result, our culture becomes even more materialistic as people begin to place higher values on things over relationships.

The challenge is to see through that veil and rise above. I’m finding it gets way easier as I get older and let go of the need to be validated by society under these standards.

Andee     xoxo

Webcamming | Andee in real time?

I dealt with this question a long time ago, but it still comes up quite a lot still. The reality is, my perspective isn’t about to change much on it for a number of reasons, but…

Have you ever played on web-camera for an audience? Would you ever do web shows as part of your thing online?

I haven’t played on webcam in a very long time; in fact, it’s been almost 12 years with the exception of a couple of rare exceptions.

When I first figured out the whole webcam thing, it was kind of exciting. The idea of connecting with complete strangers over the “safety” of the Internet was exhilarating. It was a huge leap in sexual and technological exploration for me – and a safe way to feel out my exhibitionist side. At first it was flirtatious fun, a little flashing here and there … a bit of watching, a lot of teasing and innuendo.

Absolutely, I found it kind of exciting, and it certainly fueled a lot of my bi-curious side as I would check out the women on cam quite frequently. The site I used to frequent was filled with a wide variety of different chatrooms, and a lot of very sexy people.

But like a lot of things in life, after the novelty wears off, it wasn’t not as much fun. The whole experience began to digress into a bunch of aggressive guys begging to see various parts of my anatomy and behaving quite rudely. I guess, maybe in a very selfish way, I grew tired of the demands to show my tits and ass while some guy stroked his manhood – note I did not say requests. I said “demands“ for a reason.

With some of the guys I had come to know online, and shared both a sexual and intellectual level of chat with, it was exciting and fun. But the guys who assumed right off the bat that if I was online and on camera, that I was automatically some kind of slut or prostitute willing to hike up my skirt on demand, eroded a lot of that fun for me.

Out of frustration with the whole thing, I unplugged my webcam, found other ways to indulge my personal sexual desires and moved on. And so, I haven’t done any webcam stuff for quite some time.

My hubby and I once discussed offering a webcam show option as part of my Southern Charms site – or even maybe dabbling with another webcam site – but to date, nothing has come of it. I’m still not 100 per cent sure I am really a webcam kind of girl anyway … and so, no doubt much to the chagrin of many who continue to ask, I haven’t pursued it.

Andee     xoxo