Category Archives: Dreams
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Do you ever see someone – a perfect stranger – and wonder what they would be like as a lover, as a partner … as a one-night stand?
There’s this guy I see most mornings on my drive into work. He stands at the end of his driveway with his young kids waiting with them for their school bus. As much as I can tell as I drive by, he’s a handsome man – and obviously a pretty good father. He dresses somewhat casually, and appears to be fairly fit.
But you know, sometimes my mind takes these little turns and thoughts pop into my head that aren’t exactly vanilla. Here’s this guy, who I know absolutely nothing about as a person, other than in the mornings he is out in all kinds of weather with his kids, waiting. So my mind wanders; what does he do after the bus leaves? Does he work at home? Where’s the kids’ mom? Is she inside all dressed up in naughty lingerie waiting for a morning session of sweaty sex?
Or, maybe, he’s alone. Maybe he wishes there was someone waiting back in the bedroom, dressed in naughty lingerie. Maybe his wife is so wrapped up in her own career now that she’s basically left him to be Mr. Mom.
What would happen if I just pulled into the driveway one day as the school bus passed me?
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
I’ve long advocated for the sharing of sexual fantasies with a partner. Communication and trust are two very important aspects of a healthy relationship – and understanding that just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean your mind is closed.
As I mentioned in my last entry, I’ve been struggling with a downswing in my sex life. A natural cycle in life, but something that comes with mixed blessings. Part of that has meant in my relationship there hasn’t been a great deal of sharing in regard to sexual fantasies. But don’t assume that has meant things have turned for the worst, far from it. It’s just meant other ideas, dreams and silly notions have found their way to the surface.
In what I see as, perhaps, a turn in a different direction is a recent opportunity I had to push myself out of that muddle. I’d been delightfully tormented by a dream that left me feeling somewhat … my old self … and made a conscious effort to share it with my understanding husband. As expected – and comforting to be reminded – his response was to push my mind deeper into that fantasy; to reignite my imagination by helping me connect those thoughts to my physical desire.
We’ve always tried hard to have an open approach to such things – and tried equally hard to see them for the truth behind them, as opposed to turning on jealousy and frustration.
There’s always a risk of trying to venture back into that territory after life has taken you down a different path. And it can be a challenge to return to that space because there’s that sense of having “moved on”. I worry about that myself – but I’m slowly and meticulously finding ways to regain a sense of being a sexual person; a woman with ideas, desires and fantasies.
Trust me people, it’s worth the risk to open those lines of communication between each other … especially when real life begins to consume almost every sinew of your being.
A few days ago, one of the bloggers I follow on Twitter and through his blog, Sex In Words, posted a daily sex discussion question about having “uniform fantasies.” I replied that I believe quite a few women hold the fantasy of a hot man in a hot uniform doing hot things with her … to which some of you agreed, while a couple others asked about my own – and more importantly, why.
In my own highly-unscientifically proven opinion, I think the idea of a uniform fantasy plays into the submissive side of a woman’s libido – perhaps touching on the evolutionary nature of our role in the history of human development, whereby man was the provider/protector and woman was the reproducer/nurturer. Now, we all know – so don’t trash me – that modern times have brought us a vast change in the gender roles, but some human conditions remain deeply entrenched in the psyche.
But, I believe there is a significant appeal to the idea of a man being in total control, not just of himself and the sexual encounter the fantasies are based around, but in a sense of confidence and unflappable determination to do what is right. The “ideal” of the hero, a man’s man with a delightfully perfect blend of cockiness and kindness; he opens the door for you, but never lets you catch his gaze follow the sway of your hips as you pass. He’s the man who will protect from the “bad boy” but devour you with his eyes (and his tongue) just as quickly.
Bluntly, a man in uniform is never the bad guy, but he is still very much the man.
And, as I read in someone else’s take on the “man in control” fantasy, if you don’t understand that, you’ll never understand why poorly-written drivel like 50 Shades of Grey became so popular. Trust me; it wasn’t for literary excellence and believable character development.
My own fantasies shift between a variety of stages, as I mentioned in an earlier blog about maturing. But for the most part, those uniform fantasies remain consistently steamy in nature, and typical. A man in uniform quickly attracts my attention, more times than not because a uniform makes a man look complete.
While I find this current pop culture state of hipsterism somewhat charming, a man in a cardigan, rolled cuff jeans and a knit-toque in July doesn’t look “put together.” He looks … like he reads GQ for fashion trends of the month.
A man who slips into his dress uniform, with shining buttons and crisply ironed creases in his pants looks dashing; regardless of what designer fad may be circulating among the millennials this week. He looks “put together” and in control of his image and his reputation. He’s slightly conformist, but holds an air of authority. Equally, a shirtless firefighter, with rippling muscles and wearing only the pants to his bunker suit, is a delightful mental image.
And then there’s the role-play ideals: absolutely, my firefighter fantasy involves the “damsel in distress” scenario, whereby I need some sort of gorgeous man to come to my rescue; while my police officer fantasy tends to be equally typical in its approach that I find myself in some sort of trouble and needing to be creative in how I make restitution for my actions.
In my mind, I can craft the ideal … and play the fantasy at the speed and degree of heat that I want; all in a submissive, “rescue me” state of orgasmic consciousness.
In real life, it’s the same for a man who can wear a tux with confidence. I see a lot of these men at weddings and certain gala events I’m privileged to attend and you can tell they’ve never mastered the “swagger” of wearing the ultimate in men’s style. A tux – unless it’s blue velvet – is a timeless, polished look. If you look awkward, it’s going to show more than you can ever imagine.
Or maybe, you’d relate better in these terms: a man who knows how to carry off a tux with confidence is more likely to get my panties to drop – and probably drop into his tux jacket pocket long before we ever leave for somewhere more intimate, like the coat-check.
But that, my sharp-dressed men, is a completely different fantasy!
One of the realities of pursuing a fantasy can rear its ugly head in the idea of real expectations. That is a big reason why I have always tried to be clear on what it is I am looking for when things become action after living inside my mind as thoughts for so long.
Chasing a fantasy can be quite daunting when you get right down to it. There are a lot of circumstances that occur which you no longer have any control over in your mind – such as how the other person will react to the situation, as well as the realization that we all have true flaws. From the physical to the sexual, our individual quirks are no longer hidden away in the paradise of the dream. The perfect scene that we have held in our imaginations for so long may not be how it really plays out.
And if that only strikes you as your panties hit the floor, you could be in for a very scary ride.
Like so many of you, I have fantasies that I have crafted in my very healthy imagination; and I know some of those will not come to fruition. I have also had the wonderful opportunity to pursue some really awesome ones … which is why I am also cautious about getting too excited when the moment comes.
This past weekend, I found myself in deep discussion about some of this. I mentioned to a friend that someone I knew was looking for Santa to bring him and his wife a threesome.
I would hazard to say that this is a fair number of people’s most popular fantasy – whether it’s MFM or FMF. I know it ranks very highly on my own sexual bucket list; something I have blogged about a number of times.
Christmas and New Years seem to be when a lot of this kind of thing surfaces. People are caught up in the excitement of the season, or the reality of the need to change where life is heading. I’ve met a few people who have suffered through the pause that comes to life when the clock strikes midnight on December 31 and they vow to live and love on a higher level.
It’s a complicated emotion when it hits – and from what I have seen, can result in some pretty disastrous situations. Especially if the same resolution is not on your partner’s list of things to change in the coming months.
I think one of the better resolutions would be is that of vowing to communicate about your sexual fantasies a lot more. That way, the pressure of having to actually pursue one isn’t as ridiculous. Plus, you may find some of those fantasies become realities a lot faster when you are able to have honest, insightful and truthful conversations with your partner. They may surprise you … And lead you to something even more exciting and erotic than the visions in your head.
Without question, sexual fantasy plays a big role in my life. Over the past couple years, I have used this blog as a way to express and share them on a much more open level. Sometimes they just appear and my husband reads them just as you guys do, other times they have been discussed at great length, shared as way to heat up the action in the bedroom, and placed in a priority position on my sexual bucket list.
I’m really fortunate in that I am able to share them, explore some, and look forward to turning others into realities. My partner is exceptionally understanding and encouraging when it comes to my fantasies. Some of my adventure is a direct result of that sharing, while other parts are simply the path towards discovering even more.
At the same time, I also know that there are many people who just don’t have the same opportunity or courage to make them part of the conversation with their own partners. I don’t have an answer as to why I got lucky like I did, but I know it always makes me a little concerned when I get a question like this:
How do I share my sexual fantasies with my wife?
This can be a very precarious situation. Not everyone is ready to hear about how much you want to nail that girl from accounting in the supply closet, or you want to frolic in the pool house at the family barbecue with her sister.
My own advice starts with getting to understand her perspectives on sexual fantasies. Does she have any that she is open to sharing with you – even if they are far-fetched or simplistic? I tend to have fantasies that kind of fit into both. I have no problem describing exactly how I want a number of threesome/foursome/moresome fantasies to play out, but at the same time count being photographed in a romantic embrace with my husband in front of the Eiffel Tower as a fantasy. The point being, if it’s something she desires but just hasn’t happened yet – that can be a fantasy.
Understanding what motivates her libido and eases her imagination into overdrive is really important when you want to have a conversation about what goes on between your own ears. Can you say that she has the confidence in knowing that you wouldn’t react with jealousy if she dished on what fuels her libido when her mind wanders?
It’s also important that both sides of the conversation completely understand that a fantasy is simply that – a little brain candy with no direct impact on the affection you feel for your partner. Just because you have those thoughts doesn’t mean you want to act on them.
“Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other’s objectives. Are you doing it simply to learn about what each other’s private sexual thoughts are, or are you creating a menu of the type of sexual activities you want to try?” says Wendy Maltz, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of the book Private Thoughts: The Power of Women’s Fantasies. “How the information in the fantasy is shared is critical to whether or not it ends up being productive for the couple.”
From my not-a-sex-expert point of view, the first thing is to open the doors to the sharing. A romantic dinner, a long walk or even one of those Sunday country drives may provide a non-threatening atmosphere in which to start the conversation. Sometimes trying to pry open the sexual fantasy barn door while in the bedroom can imply that there are conditions attached to the sharing; as in, are you trying to turn your partner on with this talk?
Communication is always the key …
“Don’t expect your partner to figure out what turns you on. Tell your partner. That’s all part of the fantasy,” says Cheryl McClary, PhD, JD, professor of women’s health at the University of North Carolina-Asheville.. “Ask yourself, ‘What’s going to make us start giggling again? What used to be sexy and fun? Life’s too short to wait for your partner to figure it out.”