Category Archives: Dreams
A few days ago, one of the bloggers I follow on Twitter and through his blog, Sex In Words, posted a daily sex discussion question about having “uniform fantasies.” I replied that I believe quite a few women hold the fantasy of a hot man in a hot uniform doing hot things with her … to which some of you agreed, while a couple others asked about my own – and more importantly, why.
In my own highly-unscientifically proven opinion, I think the idea of a uniform fantasy plays into the submissive side of a woman’s libido – perhaps touching on the evolutionary nature of our role in the history of human development, whereby man was the provider/protector and woman was the reproducer/nurturer. Now, we all know – so don’t trash me – that modern times have brought us a vast change in the gender roles, but some human conditions remain deeply entrenched in the psyche.
But, I believe there is a significant appeal to the idea of a man being in total control, not just of himself and the sexual encounter the fantasies are based around, but in a sense of confidence and unflappable determination to do what is right. The “ideal” of the hero, a man’s man with a delightfully perfect blend of cockiness and kindness; he opens the door for you, but never lets you catch his gaze follow the sway of your hips as you pass. He’s the man who will protect from the “bad boy” but devour you with his eyes (and his tongue) just as quickly.
Bluntly, a man in uniform is never the bad guy, but he is still very much the man.
And, as I read in someone else’s take on the “man in control” fantasy, if you don’t understand that, you’ll never understand why poorly-written drivel like 50 Shades of Grey became so popular. Trust me; it wasn’t for literary excellence and believable character development.
My own fantasies shift between a variety of stages, as I mentioned in an earlier blog about maturing. But for the most part, those uniform fantasies remain consistently steamy in nature, and typical. A man in uniform quickly attracts my attention, more times than not because a uniform makes a man look complete.
While I find this current pop culture state of hipsterism somewhat charming, a man in a cardigan, rolled cuff jeans and a knit-toque in July doesn’t look “put together.” He looks … like he reads GQ for fashion trends of the month.
A man who slips into his dress uniform, with shining buttons and crisply ironed creases in his pants looks dashing; regardless of what designer fad may be circulating among the millennials this week. He looks “put together” and in control of his image and his reputation. He’s slightly conformist, but holds an air of authority. Equally, a shirtless firefighter, with rippling muscles and wearing only the pants to his bunker suit, is a delightful mental image.
And then there’s the role-play ideals: absolutely, my firefighter fantasy involves the “damsel in distress” scenario, whereby I need some sort of gorgeous man to come to my rescue; while my police officer fantasy tends to be equally typical in its approach that I find myself in some sort of trouble and needing to be creative in how I make restitution for my actions.
In my mind, I can craft the ideal … and play the fantasy at the speed and degree of heat that I want; all in a submissive, “rescue me” state of orgasmic consciousness.
In real life, it’s the same for a man who can wear a tux with confidence. I see a lot of these men at weddings and certain gala events I’m privileged to attend and you can tell they’ve never mastered the “swagger” of wearing the ultimate in men’s style. A tux – unless it’s blue velvet – is a timeless, polished look. If you look awkward, it’s going to show more than you can ever imagine.
Or maybe, you’d relate better in these terms: a man who knows how to carry off a tux with confidence is more likely to get my panties to drop – and probably drop into his tux jacket pocket long before we ever leave for somewhere more intimate, like the coat-check.
But that, my sharp-dressed men, is a completely different fantasy!
One of the realities of pursuing a fantasy can rear its ugly head in the idea of real expectations. That is a big reason why I have always tried to be clear on what it is I am looking for when things become action after living inside my mind as thoughts for so long.
Chasing a fantasy can be quite daunting when you get right down to it. There are a lot of circumstances that occur which you no longer have any control over in your mind – such as how the other person will react to the situation, as well as the realization that we all have true flaws. From the physical to the sexual, our individual quirks are no longer hidden away in the paradise of the dream. The perfect scene that we have held in our imaginations for so long may not be how it really plays out.
And if that only strikes you as your panties hit the floor, you could be in for a very scary ride.
Like so many of you, I have fantasies that I have crafted in my very healthy imagination; and I know some of those will not come to fruition. I have also had the wonderful opportunity to pursue some really awesome ones … which is why I am also cautious about getting too excited when the moment comes.
This past weekend, I found myself in deep discussion about some of this. I mentioned to a friend that someone I knew was looking for Santa to bring him and his wife a threesome.
I would hazard to say that this is a fair number of people’s most popular fantasy – whether it’s MFM or FMF. I know it ranks very highly on my own sexual bucket list; something I have blogged about a number of times.
Christmas and New Years seem to be when a lot of this kind of thing surfaces. People are caught up in the excitement of the season, or the reality of the need to change where life is heading. I’ve met a few people who have suffered through the pause that comes to life when the clock strikes midnight on December 31 and they vow to live and love on a higher level.
It’s a complicated emotion when it hits – and from what I have seen, can result in some pretty disastrous situations. Especially if the same resolution is not on your partner’s list of things to change in the coming months.
I think one of the better resolutions would be is that of vowing to communicate about your sexual fantasies a lot more. That way, the pressure of having to actually pursue one isn’t as ridiculous. Plus, you may find some of those fantasies become realities a lot faster when you are able to have honest, insightful and truthful conversations with your partner. They may surprise you … And lead you to something even more exciting and erotic than the visions in your head.
Without question, sexual fantasy plays a big role in my life. Over the past couple years, I have used this blog as a way to express and share them on a much more open level. Sometimes they just appear and my husband reads them just as you guys do, other times they have been discussed at great length, shared as way to heat up the action in the bedroom, and placed in a priority position on my sexual bucket list.
I’m really fortunate in that I am able to share them, explore some, and look forward to turning others into realities. My partner is exceptionally understanding and encouraging when it comes to my fantasies. Some of my adventure is a direct result of that sharing, while other parts are simply the path towards discovering even more.
At the same time, I also know that there are many people who just don’t have the same opportunity or courage to make them part of the conversation with their own partners. I don’t have an answer as to why I got lucky like I did, but I know it always makes me a little concerned when I get a question like this:
How do I share my sexual fantasies with my wife?
This can be a very precarious situation. Not everyone is ready to hear about how much you want to nail that girl from accounting in the supply closet, or you want to frolic in the pool house at the family barbecue with her sister.
My own advice starts with getting to understand her perspectives on sexual fantasies. Does she have any that she is open to sharing with you – even if they are far-fetched or simplistic? I tend to have fantasies that kind of fit into both. I have no problem describing exactly how I want a number of threesome/foursome/moresome fantasies to play out, but at the same time count being photographed in a romantic embrace with my husband in front of the Eiffel Tower as a fantasy. The point being, if it’s something she desires but just hasn’t happened yet – that can be a fantasy.
Understanding what motivates her libido and eases her imagination into overdrive is really important when you want to have a conversation about what goes on between your own ears. Can you say that she has the confidence in knowing that you wouldn’t react with jealousy if she dished on what fuels her libido when her mind wanders?
It’s also important that both sides of the conversation completely understand that a fantasy is simply that – a little brain candy with no direct impact on the affection you feel for your partner. Just because you have those thoughts doesn’t mean you want to act on them.
“Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other’s objectives. Are you doing it simply to learn about what each other’s private sexual thoughts are, or are you creating a menu of the type of sexual activities you want to try?” says Wendy Maltz, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of the book Private Thoughts: The Power of Women’s Fantasies. “How the information in the fantasy is shared is critical to whether or not it ends up being productive for the couple.”
From my not-a-sex-expert point of view, the first thing is to open the doors to the sharing. A romantic dinner, a long walk or even one of those Sunday country drives may provide a non-threatening atmosphere in which to start the conversation. Sometimes trying to pry open the sexual fantasy barn door while in the bedroom can imply that there are conditions attached to the sharing; as in, are you trying to turn your partner on with this talk?
Communication is always the key …
“Don’t expect your partner to figure out what turns you on. Tell your partner. That’s all part of the fantasy,” says Cheryl McClary, PhD, JD, professor of women’s health at the University of North Carolina-Asheville.. “Ask yourself, ‘What’s going to make us start giggling again? What used to be sexy and fun? Life’s too short to wait for your partner to figure it out.”
I guess I have never really considered just how lucky I am to have a partner that I can share and talk about my sexual fantasies with. With my 38th birthday approaching this weekend – yes, that’s right … 38, he has been scheming and planning something. For the past two weeks I have found little notes tucked away in odd places, some with quotes and sayings that mean something special to us, and others with a bit of homework. Yes, so sometime before Saturday I need to write out some of my own personal fantasies – for what reason is yet to be seen. But I’m exceptionally curious.
The other day, when I was tweeting some of the nonsense that I find in trashy women’s magazines, one of my online friends sent me note about how they wished their wife would even admit to having one fantasy – never mind going into any graphic details.
Aside from being sympathetic, I was a little disappointed on his behalf. My fantasies are what keep my mind alive and distracted from the world around me. And it doesn’t hurt that it also brings a smile to my face and some excitement to my marriage.
My friend was looking for advice on what is the most important thing to keep in mind when sharing a sexual fantasy with your spouse.
I’m not an expert in this, so all I can really do is reflect on what worked for me … and some of the important considerations I believe help make the fantasy a positive. Let’s be honest, some people might be intimidated by the thoughts that swirl around in their partner’s head when it comes to sexual adventures.
The biggest thing is knowing that the lines of communication are open. The worst thing you can do is drop a fantasy on them at a moment when they aren’t expecting it. From a woman’s perspective, if you’re in the middle of some sweaty mattress dancing with me, blurting out that you have dreams about bending the miniskirt-wearing intern over the boardroom table might not be considered “good timing.”
In thinking back on how we’ve gotten to the point in our own relationship, the one thing my husband did an awful lot of was asking questions. And then asking more questions. And he never seemed to respond to my answers with any kind of judgment or commentary, he just asked more questions. Eventually it became a whole world of talking about what turned me on – and doing little things that made me realize he actually listened.
Of course, that wasn’t just based on sexual fantasies. It’s the same approach he has used for so much of what he has brought into our relationship. We constantly talk, we constantly text … we often sext. The doors are open for sharing.
I admit there are still some things I keep pretty close to my chest and he has yet to learn. But all in good time.
The other thing is having a really good idea about how your spouse will react to your fantasy. It’s really important to understand that they may not share that same idea with you. She might not like the miniskirt-wearing intern, and that could lead to some jealousy. Better to test the waters by taking small elements out of your fantasy. For example, I know you want to nail that little hottie while her miniskirt is hiked up and her four-inch stilettos are digging into the carpet … but the underlying thought is sex in the office. Why not begin with asking questions or painting a verbal picture of doing that act with your spouse … let that simmer and then gradually introduce the idea of either “getting caught by the hottie intern” or “what if you’re not there …”
You might even find that she doesn’t want you to have the miniskirt-wearing intern … because she wants you to watch her with the miniskirt-wearing intern.
Like all good stories, fantasies need to be built up.
One of the biggest disappointments I think I feel when I learn from my friends that their husbands have no clue as to their sexual fantasies is because they are afraid of being judged for them.
Maybe this is where I have it good. My husband is constantly asking me about mine … to the point where I think I might have to start making crazy things up just to keep him satisfied. No, truthfully, being able to talk about what turns you on from a fantasy point of view is very liberating and is something I wish more couples would do with each other.
Too many people see sexual fantasies as an indication of their own shortcomings: if I was a better lover, she wouldn’t have this thing for the UPS Delivery Guy. That’s so not true. Fantasies are a healthy part of being alive and being a sexual being. The challenge is to accept that more times than not, they aren’t literal desires, but rather hints of wanting some sort of new adventure.
Now, let’s acknowledge that some fantasies can be true. When I began to share with my husband about my desires for a little sexual adventure and more physical flirting with my Office Guy, I really meant with one specific man. My husband had long known that I fantasized about experiencing something with another man – always with him present – but it just evolved into a reality with this one.
However, it wasn’t just about me blurting out randomly. My hubby has spent a long time getting to know who I am, my deepest desires and wildest dreams. It’s been an investment and a world of encouragement. And he has had to learn to let go of some jealousies along the way. Most importantly, we have learned – together – that we want as much from life as we can get.
Are some things worth the hang-ups? I’m afraid you have to answer that yourself.
Surely you guys are getting bored with all the blogging lately about sexual fantasies, but it’s been hard to get so many of these thoughts out of my head.
But, despite all that, it has also given me a great opportunity to learn a lot more about what makes us tick when it comes to the reality of a fantasy. We all have those thoughts that will just never be anything more than a bit of brain flirting … I mean, I can turn my fantasy about my Office Guy into a reality, but I doubt very much that my threesome with Jennifer Aniston is ever going to materialize.
So what is it that we really fantasize about when it comes to achievable goals? First up is a little piece of an article I found when I was trying to figure out what it is that you men really think about when it comes to some realistic action.
Call it daydreaming, call it fantasizing … call it a very healthy pastime!
With a little embellishment from me – after a intriguing couple of months learning all about what turns guys on – the top five things that men really fantasize about – and that will keep him rushing back for home cooking, rather than hitting the local bar for take-out sushi.
Blow The Man Down
Unexpected, non-reciprocal oral sex. Men want head. They just don’t ask for blowjobs as often as they would, because they think you’ll demand immediate sexual gratification in return. Plus, they are worried you’ll turn them down. So, every so often when he doesn’t expect it, walk up to him, give him a kiss, get down on your knees, give him a blowjob, then zip him back up and go back to what you were doing – without saying a word. He’ll think you love his cock and you are the best partner he’s ever had in his entire life.
Andee’s thoughts: I asked my husband about this because he is constantly telling me about how incredible my oral talents are. He said this is probably the one thing that occupies his mind when we are apart, and of all the places he can imagine me giving him one.
Bring A Friend
Thinking about you with another woman. No, you don’t have to actually eat the furry chalice in front of him or seduce one of your girlfriends. He just wants to be able to think about you doing so. Therefore, when you are in bed or want to get him into bed, tell him about a time you “experimented” in college tripping the clit fantastic. Don’t worry if you never actually did so. This is a time when it’s completely OK to lie to him. Just make sure you invent a person and don’t talk about someone he’s going to run into in real life. If talking about this makes him want you to try it again, simply tell him that once you had sex with him, you realized that dick was the only thing you ever wanted. Then, give him a blowjob.
Andee’s thoughts: I would never encourage telling a lie to my partner in bed, for fear that he ever learned it, he would question everything – including the honestly amazing stuff. Well, unless you can tell an incredible story about what you would do to Jennifer Aniston without using your hands! Seriously, find someone to experiment with just once in your life; make it a bucket list item. You might be surprised just how delicious it actually is to make another woman clutch at the mattress and arch her back all because of what you can do with your tongue!
‘You’re Such A Stud!’
Believing you are always thinking about sex with him. He wants to think that he is such a stud that you are doing nothing with your life other than thinking about his dick. Really. This is an easy fantasy to satisfy. A couple times a day, send him a dirty text message. If you are daring, send him a dirty picture to his cell phone. Can’t think of what to say in your dirty text message? Here’s a few suggestions: “I can’t wait to suck your cock” and “God, I keep thinking about when I sucked your cock last night” and “I’m wet thinking about sucking your cock.” I think you see where this is going.
Andee’s thoughts: I’m not sure it is necessarily about the “sex with him” or just the simple fact that I am totally into getting some, flirting like mad and cranking up the relationship heat with some very erotic and naughty sexts. In the end, I don’t care – if I have his undivided sexual attention, then I know it’s going to be a great day. Of course, I do try to be a bit more creative and cryptic!
Come Here Often?
Picking up a girl in a bar and scoring a quickie. When dudes are hanging out, they talk about two things: Sports and “that one time I scored when I met that girl in the bar and she took me to the bathroom/alley/backseat of my car/whatever.” Most of the time the dudes are talking shit – but that doesn’t matter. They talk about it because it’s what they want. So, make it happen. Set up a scenario where you get to a bar early, he shows up and you two act like strangers and you let him pick you up. You’ll get bonus points if you are flirting with another guy when he shows up and then you blow off the other guy in favor of him. Then, after letting him buy you a few drinks and chatting you up, take him into the bathroom, alley or the backseat of his car and give him a blow job.
Andee’s thoughts: I actually love this one because it is a very easy and achievable fantasy for couples who want to add just a little spice to their marriage. The biggest leap is having the courage to get to the bar alone and early … but if you’re like me, that is also the biggest danger. I might actually make my guy work to win my attention!
Coming In The Back Door
Anal sex. I know for a lot of us this is a little scary. It already hurt when we lost our first virginity – do we really want to go through that again? Don’t worry that much about it. Many women find anal sex really pleasurable. Anal sex is great because it’s taboo and it’s something other guys brag about. Putting your ass up in the air and letting him ravage it will drive him insane. If he’s never done it before, you’ll have to take some of the preparation into your own hands – by lubing yourself up before you get into bed – but if you let him have it he’ll love you for it and you may find that you get more intense orgasms than you expect from the sexperience. A good idea is to experiment a bit yourself with vibrators and dildos beforehand so you are used to this new type of penetration. The good news about this? This is the one time that he won’t be thinking about getting a blowjob.
Andee’s thoughts: It took me a long time to open up the back door. It’s still not something that is a primary part of our sex life, but I will say this much: including it as part of the playground during sex (vibrators, fingers, dildos) leads to some incredible sensations for all parties. Not to mention how much it fuels the whole threesome fantasy in my head – the one without Jennifer Aniston, however. She already showed up in the “bring a friend” category.
So there you have it, five real fantasies that occupy a man’s mind. And even if they aren’t yours, from this Sexy Northern Angel, I’m just thrilled you have them … and hopefully some will come true for you too!