Category Archives: Bondage

TMI Tuesday | Random kink

I can’t say there’s an awful lot about me that would be considered “kinky.” I enjoy sex, and many variations of it, but I’m not a role-player type, definitely not a frequent dabbler in BDSM … and I’ve never been one for spanking, humiliation or degradation.

Dressed to blogNo, my sexual kinks may be more easily defined in the pursuit of vanilla sex in a less than conventional manner. I like it missionary, I like it doggy-style … I just want to explore with outside of the contemporary view of marriage and monogamy. Kink to me implies lots of leather and kitchen utensils; cosplay and characters – things I’m basically not turned on by.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have an open mind when it comes to whatever turns other people on. On the contrary, I’m rather intrigued by it all. And so, with this week’s TMI Tuesday, we have a few random kinks to work on … along with other thoughts.

1. You have been asked to organize a sex & kink weekend. Will you be more of a “hands-on” person or more of an “ideas” person?

I’m an idea person. I think my creativity far out-distances my willingness to be hands on.

2. Assuming you are the hands-on type at this weekend sex romp, and you’ve entered a tent to ‘play’ with a male/female couple. Would you like to be given clear instructions before you begin to ‘play’ or do you prefer to be given the general idea of the task and work it out your own way.

In situations where the “hands on” aspect is important, I still like to let the moment develop on its own. I’ve found if you stick to the “script” too closely, you’re more libel to miss out on what could have been because you were so focused on trying to ensure the moment followed the plan you laid out in the first place. You miss those little nuances that could take it in a whole different direction. The best things in life – especially when it comes to sex – come from those unexpected left turns.

3. True or False. “During sex, I like to hear and accept feedback.”

False. During sex I like to hear a little dirty talk, lots of moaning, groaning, heavy breathing and the occasional “Oh fuck yes!” However, AFTER sex, I’m all for a little post-mortem of the moment. Let’s find out what worked, what was hot … what was too much and what was “yeah, let’s never speak of that again.”

4. What are you wearing right now?

Seriously? What female blogger worth her weight in chiffon is NOT sitting at her computer answering these questions in an amazingly sexy lace teddy from (insert your favourite lingerie company) with garters, black stockings with the seam that runs all the way up the back and her favourite pair of patent-leather 5-inch stiletto heels? And while I’m pondering the answer to each question, I’m flirtatiously playing with my rhinestone necklace and wondering if I could get that unbelievable hot delivery guy to flirt with me tomorrow if I left my wedding rings at home.

But while you mull that over, I’ll just cuddle up with my laptop on the couch while wearing my comfy yoga pants and t-shirt. And yes, I have underwear on underneath, but I honestly can’t remember if it matches my bra.

5. I show loyalty to my lover by ________ .

Never hiding a thing from him when it comes to our sex life, my desires and my fantasies (mostly). I show loyalty by being unwaveringly open with him, sharing the responsibility of initiating conversation around our sexual (and non-sexual) life together.

But mostly by honouring the commitment we made to each other over 20 years ago; and working on our relationship in good times and even harder in bad times – and NEVER diminishing what we have worked so hard to create together.

Plus, he’s never once complained about the occasional blowjob …

6. Do you always have to argue?

If you argue fair, it can be productive and progressive … HOWEVER … if you communicate on an adult level all the time, and recognize that relationships are not scripted perfection, the arguments are actually more healthy discussions with less vocal volume. A healthy relationship, if you ask me, also includes a willingness to allow a difference of opinion without judgement AND an agreement to occasionally disagree.

BONUS: Pick up the closest book to you, open it to page 55. The first line on that page reads:

Document collaboration means working with others to create, review, and revise a document to achieve the best end result.

Sorry folks, just finished a computer course at college and my textbook was just that much closer than the collection of erotic fiction for women by women. But if it’s any consolation, I’ll probably read a bit of that tonight before bed and then masturbate to the thoughts swirling around in my imagination.

Andee     xoxo

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Bondage – Who’s Really In Charge

Late last week, one of my Twitter followers responded to a tweet I made about submission fantasies, asking how she might get her husband to be a little more ‘dominant’ in helping her heat up things in their relationship.

tumblr_mcoml1ZtXm1rsewelo1_500Full disclosure here: I have submission fantasies, but certainly not to the level of what we see in the tidal wave of over-hype around 50 Shades. The idea of being tied up, maybe blindfolded – to me, that’s erotic and exciting. But I’ve never been into spanking, slapping, riding crops, pancake spatulas, verbal degradation, etc. Nor have I really gotten into the whole “role play” idea of BDSM. You’re not my “master” … I’m not your “slave” … and no, I won’t call you “sir.” I can’t judge those who do enjoy it and find pleasure in their kink – just as much as I ask those of you who do indulge to that degree not to judge me for not finding it personally appealing. Each to their own; that’s the wonderful thing about sexual adventures, they are unique.

So with that said; to my Twitter peep’s issue.

I believe there are a lot of men who equally find the idea of domination/submission to be an awkward experience. Oh, I’m sure there’s a ton of bravado out there, but when it comes to testing those boundaries with the woman who dominates your heart and soul, it might be a challenge to step outside the respectful boundaries of a relationship. It’s not easy to go from the adoration you demonstrate outside of the bedroom to calling her a “slut” when she’s strapped to the mattress. There’s a different level of psychology involved in some sexual experiences; and for people who haven’t had a great deal of experience at pushing their own boundaries, it can be very difficult to try something new.

As adults, I think we fear our fear more than we fear the experience. We’re afraid to be judged, to be laughed at – to be vulnerable in moments of intimacy. And being vulnerable in BDSM moments isn’t just for the person in the role of the “submissive.” It takes a lot to be able to leave some things in the bedroom.

In my mind, for couples who are dabbling with light BDSM (being tied up, blindfolded), the power isn’t necessarily in the hands of the person doing the tying up. I think the woman (for our argument’s sake today) actually controls more of the situation than the man with her willingness to go to levels her own sexual comfort will take her.

If your partner is struggling to overcome his decency and respectfulness, then my advice is to guide him (I guess also, her) by using your own control to create your desired outcome. Instruct him on how you want to be tied up, tell him what it is that makes you feel excited and turned on and guide him through the scene. I think if a man is having difficulty treating the woman he loves in such a fashion, it’s because he is struggling to see her in a perceived situation of “surrendering” to him. When, in fact, if you’re the one taking the lead in setting the scene, you’re the director. Just because you’re tied to the bedposts doesn’t mean the other person is in charge.

Specifically to the person who reached out – start small; have him try tying just your hands above your head with one of his neckties, some moments like that.

And to all my readers – whether it’s a little BDSM, or photography, or sex in the back seat at the drive-in movie: every sexual moment requires amazing communication between you and your partner for it to be a great part of your adventure together.

Andee     xoxo

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Domination | Tie Me Up … Please

Back in 2011, when my blog was located elsewhere on the Internet, I ran a series I called “Sexy Sundays.” It was a summertime collection of some more intimate details of my life; an idea that was voted on by my readers as something they wanted to read more of. When I moved to WordPress, those entries were kind of left in the archives of my hard drive, but I found them and figured they would make for some great updates every now and then. I hope you enjoy them; and as always, feel free to comment or send me some ideas/questions that you would like to see here.

I had this question asked of me a while back, and as I was going through a bunch of things in my e-mails, I discovered it again. The timing is pretty good to get into it, given some of the antics that have gone on in my bedroom the past few days. More of it started when I mentioned in one of my blogs about my online friend Matt, who had sent me some new boots. You may recall I also mentioned that he has sent me some other sexy gifts, including some sexy lingerie and those “darn” stockings and garter-belt that seem to have me totally “trapped” at a whole new perverse stage in this game.

One of the other gifts I received was this delicious toy for the bedroom … nothing crazy that requires a car-battery of hazardous materials labels … just an intriguing rubber toy … that has kind of come back to haunt me a bit; but in a very good way.

Anyway, getting into the details …

“I’ve heard that some women fantasize about the idea of being sexually controlled (in a consensual way, of course). Have you ever been tied up during sex?”

Hmmm…well, at first I though just how much should I reveal about my own little perversions and myself?

I’m a pretty open girl as a lot of you are learning. I’ve dabbled in a few different things and played around and most of you have pretty much been invited into my sex life thanks to my website and blog. And like so many other things, yes I have tried a little light bondage. Nothing painful or kinky mind you…just some nice, sexually teasing bondage. I’ve never been one to really get into the idea of domination – either being dominated or doing the dominating. I might do some photo sets that way, but role-playing isn’t something that is a big part of my libido.

I admit, there’s a strange sensual feeling about being restrained while someone does some very sexual things to you. The biggest part to make sure  it’s a turn-on is trust. I trust my husband to do only things that I’m OK with, and that are sexually exciting and not degrading.

This happened shortly after the stockings and garter belt arrived. Maybe you have seen the video I have that happened with the toy, but that wasn’t so much about the bondage at the time as it was about something for you to enjoy … But this time there were no cameras, and I was not really expecting it.

My husband indicated quite bluntly that we were going to have sex … and in a teasing way that I often throw back, said something like “Oh?” Anyway, next thing I know, I am in our bedroom being undressed. Then he put me on a chair he had tucked away from view (so I wouldn’t suspect, I guess) and slipped a blindfold over my eyes. He had obviously thought this through, as he then tied my ankles to the chair legs and may hands behind my back so I was totally at his mercy – and naked.

About this time, I’m getting in the mood. All too often we do the kinky stuff with our mistress in the room (the camera), so a little rough play just for the sake of rough play was welcome!

Bondage CartoonHe started by teasing me with his fingers. I love how he does that; the sensations of the touch … only to be heightened by the fact I am bound and blindfolded. Then, without my expected it, I felt this odd sensation between my thighs … he had pulled out this new dildo from my nightstand and was now using it on me. This continued for a while until he then added my favourite little pocket rocket vibrator to the torment. I can’t describe how sexually exciting and frustrating it is to have someone doing such naughty things to your body, forcing you so close to that magnificent orgasm … and then cruelly backing off.

And during these insane moments, while I am so close to peaking, he’s saying stuff about me, how horny I am, how wet I am, how easy the toy goes in … making me tell him how much it turns me on having some guy I have never met sending me these kind of things, making me admit I use them on my own and fantasize about really dirty things when I am alone … you get the picture.

So obviously, I’m game for some light bondage … but when I get to the begging stage, it’s time to keep the game moving forward and at least let me get partly involved for that incredible moment. It only pays off for the guy in the end!

But I do have to say that it’s really hot to be getting into the whole thing, surrendering myself so that my partner can tie me up. But at the same time, if you need to have faith that your partner is only going to play fair and make it a sexually exciting experience, not frightening or leading to something that was not mutually agreed upon. When you cross that line of trust, then it’s no longer a truly sexual experience.

Andee     xoxo

Sexy Northern Angel

It’s Bound to be Erotic

One of the most obvious things about me – if you follow any of the drivel I write on here and my Twitter account – is how much I enjoy reading. I think it is a bit of a lost art in today’s culture, as I know too many people who could use an introduction to a good book; such as a dictionary or Grade 8 grammar text book.

And while a lot of what I read may not rank high among literary masterpieces, quite a few always lead to some interesting debates. These days it’s hard to find anyone who does not have an opinion on the most talked about book of 2012, Fifty Shades of Grey.
The naughty, but not exactly well-written, trilogy has opened the door for many conversations and now, some 10 months since the books peaked in popularity, there is a bit of a baby boom … and no wonder. Regardless of your or my opinion on the quality of the writing, pop culture consumed these en masse. And couples were all of a sudden exploring in the bedroom.
Heck, even at the Everything To Do With Sex Show a few weeks back, almost every vendor was trying to capitalize on the increased interest in bondage.
I mentioned that in passing to a few of my more open-minded coworkers and we soon found ourselves immersed in a discussion on what is erotic and what is too much.
I have some pretty clear rules when it comes to exploring the world of bondage, domination and submission: nothing that causes pain; nothing that humiliates; and nothing that crosses the line in terms of our marriage vows.
Outside of that, there are many aspects of the “Fifty Shades” experience that excite me; and I’m not even touching on the ridiculousness of the plot. I have no delusions of meeting a rich, young, handsome man with nothing better to do in life than strap virgins onto a St. Andrew’s cross in a personal playroom somewhere in Seattle.
One of those aspects is how in my own bedroom, things have been a bit more “bound and determined” when it comes to being playful. Being blindfolded and teased is a highly erotic experience for me. It touches on a desire in me to be dominated, but at the same time falls right into my safety zone. For my husband, it allows him the opportunity to do some of those things to me that I typically do to myself. He can indulge in the erotic thrill of my forced orgasm, using a toy on me while I am totally incapable of bringing myself to one.
Eroticism requires a heightened level of anticipation. It goes beyond just the physical stimulation, but plays on the imagination at the same time. Which means the unknown of what sensation to expect next when being blindfolded enhances the excitement for me … and I know I’m not alone in this. Ethel Person of Columbia University reports that 51% of women imagine being forced to have sex and another 33% get off on pretending to be a slave who must obey a man’s every wish.
And it’s not just Person saying it. According to many studies, exploring a submissive role is one of the leading sexual fantasies for women. Psychology Today estimates that between 31% and 57% of women entertain fantasies where they are forced to have sex.
For many women, it is a safe way to be bad, permission to be naughty in a way that is still a little shocking.
Andee     xoxo

TMI Tuesday | Pain & Humiliation

Unless you have been living in a straw shack in the forest for the past few months, you’ll know that it’s been virtually impossible to escape the literary phenomenon that is Fifty Shades of Grey. The book, and you already know my take on it’s literary value, has dominated conversations from coast to coast and beyond – plus raised a new interest in people exploring their sexual fantasies.

For me, personally, the book did provide a pleasant distraction from the realities around me … but I also tend to be a voracious reader and power through a book in a matter of days. I can’t say the subject matter in the E.L. James trilogy changed my mind about the world of submission and domination, but it wasn’t completely uninspiring for a few fun experiences in the bedroom – and a new set of wrist restraints from my hubby.

Anyway, in keeping with those thoughts, this week our TMI Tuesday theme touches on the world of bdsm, pain, and humiliation … a la Fifty Shades.

1. I enjoy the idea that my partner want to inflict pain on me that:
    a. Makes me curious
    b. Is titillating and sexually arousing
    c. That leaves me screaming and/or crying because that’s the way I like it

If any, I would lean towards b), titillating and sexually arousing. I think I’m just a little beyond the “curious” stage in my sexual experience – which has also firmly placed me in the category of not being someone who gets off on any kind of sex act that involves screaming in pain or crying.

I think a consensual level of restraint and force can be erotic and exciting … perhaps a hint of spanking harder than a love tap, biting in the right spots and the right moments. One of my more popular videos – Sex Toy Punishment – hints at forced, not-exactly-consensual sex. And not that long ago, I blogged about my fantasy to be “forced” into sex; but right now there are some issues with my partner in fantasy crimes over his beliefs on being aggressive in such a fashion. Most days his thoughtful and gentlemanly nature is a virtue … but there’s the occasional day I wouldn’t mind him being a forceful sexual deviant. Just for fun, of course.

2. Do you like being forced to dress or act in a way that is humiliating? If yes, please describe. If no, why not?

Humiliation has never been anything of a turn-on for me. Outside of my sexual adventure and the fun stuff I escape to on here, I have spent the better part of my oldest son’s academic life dealing with continued bullying. And when you see just how much the actions of others can tear another person down for no reason other than to make themselves appear better, you recognize that nothing positive comes from it. So when I see someone who is being subjected to verbal abuse, degradation and ridicule – even in the realm of sexual excitement – it upsets me terribly. In my own personal space, sex is meant to build someone up; to boost their confidence, share sense of intimacy and stoke the fires of passion and desire. So, with that in mind, to erode someone’s self-esteem at the expense of some twisted sexual game has just never been my thing.

3. Do you like seeing bruises, scars or marks that were caused during sex on either you or your partner? What kind of marks?

Along the same lines of emotional pain, physical pain is just not a sexual delight for me. Even as a teenager, I always found the “badges of lust” such as hickeys to be a little off-putting. Thankfully I never really dated anyone that found them to be part of the “rites of passage” in youthful passion.

Personally, outside of maybe the occasional mishap, and one time when the handcuffs were too tight for too long, the only sexual marks I can think of that had any lasting visibility was some rug burn … on my knees … use your imagination from here on in.

4. Would you liked to be forced to do sexual things that you don’t necessarily like to do? Yes or no?

I think it all depends on the situation, and to the degree of “sexual things.” Is it something that is going to challenge the limits of my relationship and trust with my partner? Then no. In reality, my mind has to be into the whole moment – even with some of those things that don’t rank high on my list of orgasm-inducing interludes.

5. Do you want to be forced to watch your lover with someone else? Yes, no, or it depends.

I think this is probably one of the kinky areas of my sexual psyche that I am willing to explore and accept quite openly. The downside is that it wouldn’t be all that “forced” because I would love to see my husband with another woman. And having said that, I am extremely confident in saying I don’t have to worry about being forced to watch him with another man – neither of us are into the male-on-male scene.

I have a fun fantasy about being restrained in a chair set beside the bed and only being able to watch as he and another woman have sex. I get exceptionally turned on by the idea of watching him do all kinds of naughty things to her, and her doing all kinds of naughty things to him … maybe every now and then they stop doing what they are doing and force me to have a taste or one of them gives me a wet, deep tongue kiss right after they have been giving the other person some oral. Yowza, serious masturbatory moments in those thoughts.

6. What dirty (sometimes inappropriate) things do you like to say to your sexual partner?

I can’t honestly say that our sex talk goes anywhere particularly inappropriate. We both love to mind fuck with each other while we are in the moment, but more times than not, it involves the sexual fantasies we have shared openly with each other. Name calling is very rare – again because we both view sex as being something to build up each other, and to recognize the passions, desires and naughty thoughts we have. It’s just never been our thing to degrade or belittle just for the sake of taking the sex to a raunchier place.

BONUS: Finish this statement: I like being powerful in bed because it reminds me that I can be a sexual equal; and that there is nothing wrong with being a woman who enjoys being something more than the recipient of his sexual interests.

Andee     xoxo
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