Monthly Archives: November 2014
With the Christmas season on the horizon – and, who could ignore the massively-advertised newest American holiday of “Black Friday” – there is no doubt some of you guys are going to be wondering what you can get for your significant other to significantly improve your chances of unwrapping her in the near future.
Lingerie has been a go-to for bedroom fashion for eons. I suspect even the earliest attempt at a seductive statement likely involved some cave-dweller trimming a touch of sabre-tooth tiger fur off the hem of her frock.
But before you launch yourself into the lacy realm of stockings, garters and teddies, there may be a few conversations worth having with your intended lingerie model. Unfortunately, nothing will put a chill on a romantic Christmas evening than a naughty present that isn’t accepted with the same excitement it was gifted.
Six reasons to talk about lingerie:
Know her tastes
Let’s start with the easy; and keep in mind, the whole idea of knowing her tastes falls with almost every other point below. Her daily wardrobe will give you the best clues to her lingerie personality. Are her colour choices are subtle, vibrant, coordinated? Does she own more than one pair of heels higher than 3-inches? Pay attention to her everyday life to discover the best way to get her into something a little sexier. If her go-to look is your old college sweatshirt and a pair of tired ol’ track pants, chances are she’s not going to trade them for a clingy, sheer, gartered teddy with some Cuban-heel stockings.
Classic looks are always winners when starting out – flirty babydolls, lacy teddies, even the three-piece bra/panty/garterbelt set. Save the kinky stuff until you know she’s really into playing the seductress role.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. If you saw me in my daily setting, you would never suspect I had a travel trunk chalk full of naughty intimates. Some women have conflicting environments – a work role that is stylishly restrictive, so a bedroom style that blows up the sensuality and sexuality. But if she’s one these women, you’ll already know.
Know her reality
In all the time you have ever been together have you heard her say, “I just love how that thin fabric strip of a thong makes me feel like I’m being sawn in half.” I hate thongs. I almost never wear them except for when I do photo shoots or with the occasional dress that won’t let me get away with something I find more comfortable – and even then I can assure you, I’m weighing the reality of going commando.
It pays to know what she likes in her daily life – because if she thinks you expect her to get all glammed up for a night of bedroom passion, she’s already feeling performance anxiety. Don’t add to her reluctance by making her stray too far from what she feels comfortable in. Besides, if you play the whole plan properly, the thong/bikini/boyshorts won’t stay on for long anyway.
Know her limits
Ask yourself the question “Will she really like this?” I love lingerie. I wear a lot of it, I pose in and out of a lot of it … I’ve had men who weren’t my husband buy me lingerie to wear, I’ve bought lingerie to wear for men that weren’t my husband. But over time I have also come to realize that I tend to be a little unique. Most women don’t own a lot of lingerie, and some probably have only ever worn it on their wedding day. If this is your partner, that 50 Shades of Grey-inspired pleather outfit with wet-look stockings, riding crop and 6-inch stilettos may not be a good way to introduce her to the idea of wearing lingerie.
If your wife or girlfriend doesn’t have a lot of colourful underwear already (bras, panties) … stick to the basics of black or red. If she’s self-conscious, black is always best even if it is a bit cliché. If she’s a more colourful type, ask her what her favourite colour is and stick with that.
Also consider if it is the kind of lingerie you’d like her to wear outside of the house. That can also determine how much of a leap is required in her comfort level.
Know your budget
Maybe you’ve heard that country song by Gretchen Wilson that says “Victoria’s Secret, their stuff’s real nice … but I can get the same thing from Wal-Mart half-price.” I’m not suggesting you cheap out on your purchase, but you also need to recognize that some women may only wear your purchase once. And they may only wear it for a matter of minutes. Are you really keen on dropping that $600 for La Perla or Agent Provocateur?
As someone who has worn a lot of different pieces of lingerie over the past several years, I can honestly tell you that your best bang for your buck won’t come from the money spent – but the consideration given to how she will look while wearing it, especially if she is not a frequent connoisseur of lacy things.
Know her size
This goes without saying; if you take nothing else from my blog today, at least take this one tip with you. There’s no excuse for not knowing her size – she has a drawer full of bras, panties and other assorted items that she wears on a daily basis. Do your homework before you buy.
Predict the future
OK, you’re probably wondering how this relates. Easy, if you pay attention to the clues she gives you and her lifestyle, you’ll already have everything you need to wow her with lingerie that she will happily slip into. Just like hunting, don’t go in for the kill if you haven’t stalked your prey – and a woman in lingerie is a rare and allusive creature. She can be skittish and easily scared off.
Above all, if the risks still seem too great, try the old-fashioned route: ask.
And don’t forget the stockings …
Every now and then – usually right in the middle of a steamy sex session – the topic of “infidelity” comes up in conversation in my relationship. On the surface, the timing may seem odd to some, but the reality is my husband and I are able to have very intense conversation that involves extramarital sex. And it’s something we also recognize that we’re fortunate to be open enough to fantasize, share and tease with the idea.
Even though we have managed to put the jealousy and fear away in our marriage, it’s not a topic very many couples (at least ones I know) seem to be willing to navigate with intelligent thought. And that’s to be accepted, frankly. Infidelity is an extremely difficult subject.
If you’re able to strip away the harmful aspect of cheating, there is a sexual element that can be explored. It’s the idea of being desired, the newness of the intimacy, the fear of the risk and the excitement of the unbridled passion. Yes, I know people cheat for many other reasons … I’m stripping it down to the fun part, the basic raw sexual act.
So, what if you want to find the kind of heat my husband and I have been able to find with thoughts, fantasies and erotic conversations about lovers from outside of our vows? Is it possible to enjoy “infidelity” without actually cheating – and without turning to swinging as a solution?
To me, it’s all about the imagination, and the libido-fuelling excitement that can be captured just with the idea. Here’s five ways you can enjoy “infidelity” without actually cheating:
1. Role play – the softer side
I’m not into ‘role play’ like some people – so the softer side of it is where most of my infidelity fantasy falls. I imagine the effort to seduce and attract a man other than my husband would involve looking sexy in those moments between the dress hitting the floor and nudity. Lingerie can help turn you – and your lover – into a whole different person.
2. Role play – hardcore and hot to the core
While I said I’m more of the softcore role play kind of girl, I’m not exactly a virgin to taking it more extreme. And keeping in mind, this is about creating a level of excitement you currently don’t have in your relationship – and as such, I’m not saying you need to invest in an animal costume and writhe about in a fur-pile. But a little imagination around the idea of the seduction can really turn a night steamy: the singles bar pick-up, the naughty office secretary (such as the office supply closet). You get the idea. You don’t need to be an actress or actor – you just need to feel like turning on the desire – and your partner – in a way you may not have done in some time.
3. Real estate – location, location, location
When was the last time you had sex in a really unique location – and I mean ‘really’ unique location. Part of the thrill in cheating comes from the secrecy and the fear of getting caught. There’s some truth behind the “office supply closet” excitement because of the risk involved. Keep it legal, keep it safe – but find a way to regularly have sex anywhere but your bedroom.
4. It’s Monogamy, not Monotony
Routine is a sexual killer; it will deaden a relationship faster than your corn flakes go soft in milk. Having sex because it is Tuesday is a horrible idea. Getting it from behind while sprawled over his motorcycle parked in the garage while the kids are inside watching a movie … don’t let monotony take hold in your idea of monogamy. Put your best sex toy to use (that would be your imagination) and learn to be unpredictable. Especially on Tuesday.
Sure, it’s easy to toss out the “talk to each other” stand, but let’s be honest it’s never easy to tell your partner your sexual mind sometimes drifts outside of your monogamous marriage. But I can only say I believe it would be far easier to share in a non-judgemental way the thoughts and fantasies that go on inside your mind, as opposed to explaining adultery to a divorce lawyer. Talk to each other; keep an open mind when your partner is the one talking.
And for pity sake, turn off the cell phone; well, unless you’re sexting her.
BONUS TIP: Fair disclosure here, I don’t have to cheat. My marriage is somewhat experimental in that if I felt the need for a little extramarital excitement, I would be able to pursue it with my husband. We have dabbled with swinging – and if you’re a loyal reader, you’ll recall my afternoon rendezvous with a friend from work. Now, I can’t advise you that swinging is the best route to go, but if you’re at a place in your relationship where you’ve had the talk, you’ve shared the fantasy, it may be time to dip your toe in the water. I can say, even the prospect of exploring the lifestyle, and attending a few different clubs before we ever experimented with another couple, brought several months of new found excitement to our marriage alone.
Will these tips help create a sense of “infidelity” in your relationship? That part is up to you, because with all of this, you must keep in mind that a big part of the excitement – a real key to the thrill – happens not between your thighs, but between your ears. You have to get your imagination into the game for it to work – after that, the effort to shake things up puts a few more logs on the fire.
Shameless as it may seem on the surface, but catching his sideways glances, knowing where his eyes were focused and knowing what was on his mind … it was a validation for me. I tried to be coy, but still toy with him by shifting in my seat slightly, crossing and uncrossing my legs in such a way that he wouldn’t quite get the reward I’m sure he would have liked. As a woman – a married woman – it was important to know that a man other than my husband found me attractive; found me worthy of being a momentary distraction in his day.
I liked how it made me feel, even if I did set out that morning with a conscious thought of trying to trap a man in my game of ego-fulfillment. I had chosen my outfit carefully; with the purpose of revealing what would be just enough … hopefully driving a man’s thoughts to just a bit more.
I liked how it made me feel even more when I confessed the whole experience to my husband later that evening. As strange as it may sound, it was liberating even though I had no reason to fear his reaction. He has long told me that I am an attractive woman; but that doesn’t mean I’ve ever bought into his reassurance. Vanity isn’t something that comes naturally, or frequently to me.
As I have said before – when a woman reaches a certain age, a certain depth in her marriage, she needs those fleeting moments of sexual validation and a sense of being desired.
All of this came back to me recently – those days spent trying to be a flirtatious seductress in search of a wandering eye – as I listened to a recently divorced co-worker discussing the dreaded “age and beauty” thing with a younger, still-madly-in-love, co-worker. The divorced one was trying to explain how she felt awkward at the idea of trying to impress a date; a foreign concept after a substantial sabbatical from single life.
Rather than harp on the many opposing thoughts that came to mind as she went through her rationale of why primping and preening was a new concept after not “having to worry about how she looked” during her marriage, I found myself thinking more on whether or not my own slightly kinky perspective on the attraction game is something unique – or something a lot of women are conscious of, but reluctant to admit?
Is it OK to use the game of attraction to fuel the passion in your own relationship? And by that I mean, is it OK to allow your sexual ego be stroked by the flirtatious interaction with others, and take that home as a slight part of foreplay?
I would have never imagined I would be the kind of woman who played the sexes game this way. Despite my online life and activities, it’s really a departure of who I have been for most of my life. The change came for me a few years ago … I won’t bore you with a long refresher.
It’s a precarious question. To many people, a relationship is intended to be exclusive – and that includes a slight denial of attraction to others. A “solid” relationship should not require one partner to have their ego fueled by external flirtations.
The idea is something I can’t agree with for a couple of reasons:
- I’ve accepted the fact that the law of attraction – while meant to be a scientific model – also applies to women and men. While the concept (oft-debated and refuted) has turned to the modern idea of “field particle exchange,” that phrase just sounds dirty when talking about attraction between men and women. Besides, as a law-abiding citizen, it would be wrong for me to break it.
- There has been an age-old debate surrounding the issue of human monogamy, and how it is instinctively wrong. Anthropologists love to argue the two sides of the coin on it. Regardless, monogamy requires work, and certain elements can be controlled – but you can only deny nature’s intent for so long.
- The kid-in-a-candy-store factor. Yes, you do want to taste everything, but your body (mostly your stomach) will eventually tell you when to stop. It’s no different with sexual attraction outside of marriage – your gut will tell you what you can handle.
Are these a little flippant? Of course. The truth is there really can’t be any rules for how your relationship with your partner works that would be the same for my own. The important part is to find your way towards the flames of passion, and bring along enough fuel to keep them burning.
Oh, and that bit midway through about “not having to worry about how she looked” during her marriage. Unfortunately, the irony was lost. Marriage does not mean giving up on the game of attraction.
If you pay any attention to my often-nonsensical tweets, you’ll notice that I tend to share a lot of thoughts that come from psychological studies, surveys and articles. Lately, I’ve been reading – and not tweeting so much – from the perspective of how detrimental porn can be to individuals. In addition, about how it affects the women who produce/star/appear/etc. in it.
For the most part, I believe the focus in a lot of these pieces tends to be towards mainstream pornography – where it tends to be a bit more obvious that the women are really nothing more than pawns for the male sexual fantasy. Now, that’s not judgement from me – that’s a perspective I’ve developed and learned from over 12 years in “the industry” myself.
My own personal journey has been driven by my own desires, limitations, fantasies and willingness to perform certain acts. That also explains why I have a day job and stars like Jenna Jamieson drive fancy cars and live in lovely houses in California. (Her current off-screen life issues notwithstanding). But you get the point.
Maybe some of what has led to the amateur genre gaining in popularity has been the difficulty in trying to represent “honest” sex in mainstream porn. The downside is that there’s a generation (probably more than that) of men – and women – who believe ridiculous positions, external cum-shots and always-at-the-ready is the way sexual relations work. Never mind the detriment to the common man’s ego regarding penis size.
I can’t say I’ve ever really been a fan of mainstream porn; partly because as a woman I don’t find it compelling or really erotic, but also because as a woman I prefer something that appeals far more to my imagination than visual stimulation.
Do I feel like “damaged goods” because of my involvement in a rather unconventional hobby? No. Anything I feel in terms of that perspective has come from circumstances in my life that I had no decision-making role in: health concerns, surgeries, child birth and its impact on my sex life (OK, I had a small part in the decision behind that).
But my hobby – my decision to dabble in the adult world of porn – is not what leaves me feeling like something less than a woman. In fact, for the most part it has allowed me to create an amazingly intimate and adventurous relationship with my husband. In a time where we see couples around us give in to divorce and separation, our marriage has remained intact. Is that solely because of our willingness to titillate and tease online? No, not even close. My porn life, however, has opened the door to many conversations other couples just never bother with.
Is it for everyone? Absolutely not. Without question, there are many sacrifices – some unexpected – that one makes when they chose to get naked on the Internet. Our culture is willing to forgive the most horrific of crimes, but will not budge in its judgement of women who dare to be sexually free and adventurous.
Perhaps what porn really does is expose how damaged our societal priorities tend to be; especially when far too many hypocrites are willing to cast judgement against those who indulge – even privately.
Well, now that Halloween is behind us…and I had a dismal October of keeping up on my blogging, maybe it’s time for me to settle back into and try to come up with a more productive routine. While I’m a huge lover of the warm summer months, from a social calendar point of view, the season right before Christmas is also one of my favourites. It’s a time when I have a few more opportunities to dust off some of my dresses and nicer clothes and get out to have some fun.
With that in mind, I found a fun little infographic on cocktail dresses…and I know how much you enjoy seeing a woman all dressed up and ready to flirt madly!