Monthly Archives: January 2014
Back a few days ago, I posted a blog about threesomes and the difficulty for men in accepting that the most logical arrangement, from a woman’s point of view, was that of two men and one woman. The idea certainly produced a lot of interest – and feedback – from people both on here and Twitter, where I usually hang out on a daily basis.
I found it intriguing to hear the many perspectives from people on their own experiences and desires.
The one thing that came my way that made me think was the question as to if I would ever consider playing the role of the third person in someone’s threesome fantasy.
As someone who has had the opportunity to dabble slightly with the concept of a foursome, I don’t think a threesome is a huge leap – filling the role of the third person joining, however, is complicated for me. A big part of the sexual appeal of additional people in my sex life is the sharing of the experience with my husband. Inviting someone to join us isn’t out of the question … even if that translates to either he or I simply sitting quietly and watching everything go down.
Without question, I’m a very sexual person. But for me to play the role of the third suggests that I would be doing something sexual without my husband being there; which isn’t what my sexual adventure is about. My approach has always been one of mutual discover with him, as much as it can be. That’s what I get off on; the closeness with the man who has allowed me and encouraged me to open these kind of doors.
The strange angle to this, however, is that I’m certain if the opportunity arose – and the experience was going to be one where my sexual chemistry was in tune with the couple looking for me to join them – I have no doubt my husband would be the first one to tell me to go and enjoy myself.
In the end, I can’t honestly say … although, I’m sure a tremendous amount of consideration would go into my response to the invitation. I mean, why live with those “what ifs” hanging over your experience?
I can’t really open with the tired ol’ “It’s funny …” because there isn’t really much that is “funny” about the antics of a certain Canadian “pop star.”
And it’s not that I want to reference the “little turd from Stratford” as he is known in these parts, but he was responsible for a recent conversation that I was involved with. It began as a discussion over recent headlines about the only-now post-pubescent buffoon, and how he and the former Hannah Montana seemed to be working very hard at earning themselves new reputations.
From a celebrity perspective, it makes sense. The smart people out there will recognize it as Madonna’s primary marketing model from her heyday in the 1980s – shock for attention and sales will follow. Of course, she built her reputation strategy on those that came before her – rocks stars from as far back as the 50s; who built their “shock value” on the same platform as risqué actresses from the dawn of moving pictures in the early 1900s.
Simply, artists must create a counter-culture reputation in order to succeed. It’s the “nice guys finish last” cliché and “nice guy” musicians only sell so many records. And there is nothing new about the gimmick.
Away from the spotlight, the conversation of the day evolved into one of how normal people – specifically women – can craft a reputation – good, bad or naughty (because there is a difference between bad and naughty). The reality behind a reputation is often a distant truth from what people believe. How many girls did you know in high school that carried peer-assigned labels but showed little evidence of fulfilling the prophecy?
At work, a reputation is basically how much your coworkers and employer trust you – and like you. It’s probably not the place you want a bad reputation … you know, for something like lap-dancing at the staff Christmas party or recreating the From Here to Eternity beach sex scene in a sand trap during the annual customer appreciation golf tournament.
As adults – as long as one has an open mind – some reputations can be fun to create. Naughty isn’t about action, it’s about innuendo; it’s playful and for the most part, harmless when done properly.
Play the flirt card properly
People struggle with flirting. Some do it exceptionally well, while for others it can be an awkward moment of mumbled compliments and miscued innuendos. Human Resource departments love those who feel awkward at flirting – it minimizes the need for policies that seemingly separate the sexes like a pride of lions separate a sick gazelle from the herd. HR types hate expert flirters.
Instead of repeating the fine art of flirting, I thought this might be a helpful link for you … How to decipher her flirtatious ways.
The difference between provocative and inappropriate
One of the things that I pride myself in is knowing exactly where the line is between office attire and haute couture. Mostly I have my fashion conscious husband to thank; but that said, the hemlines I take to tease my office guys are always exactly the right length to reveal enough leg to cause a distraction, while not waking the slumbering HR types.
The same goes for heels … those five-inch stiletto pumps might look great pointing at the ceiling of a hotel room, but not so much when you’re delivering a key business strategy to a board room full of decision-makers.
Once you know what the uniform is, it’s not difficult to roll out the distraction. And if all that fails, snag one of the office guys, head for the hotel and work on pointing those heels skyward!
Show some brain as well as some skin
Wit, charm, humour … where have we heard all this before? Hmm … the top qualities that women find attractive in men and vice versa? There’s nothing sexier than brains; and the ability to twist something seemingly so innocent into a masterful sexual innuendo without bursting a blood vessel is a key trait when it comes to establishing a naughty reputation. And remember, innuendo is the responsibility of the audience to figure out, not so blatant it serves as advertising.
It’s all in the “ayes”
The truth is, sometimes you’re going to have to say “yes.” Not necessarily to Ted from finance who wants to review your figures in the supply room … but you’re going to have to hang with the boys every once in a while. At my old job, my main thing was going for street meat in the summer. No salads, no dainty sandwiches and excuses about diets; nope, every so often I’d hang with the Office Guys, hit the food truck and make rude comments about the sausage.
For men it is equally difficult to be tread between naughty and bad. Girls in their 20s with silicone tits and plastic personalities like bad boys; after that, bad boys just become creepy old men you wouldn’t trust around your daughter … Think of any aging singer from an 1980s hairband. They’re now in their 50s, still bleaching the frizz, wearing skin-tight jeans and hanging around ditzy blonde doughnuts clinging to a promise of fame, fortune and probably a sandwich after the show. That’s why as we get older we appreciate the man who can pull off naughty without even raising our eyebrow in disgust.
Axe the after-shave
My teenage sons have discovered the power of the post-shower pepper spray known as “AXE.” The only thing that makes this sensory assault remotely tolerable is that they are teenage boys … and the stench from the scented fog is the best birth control method out there. Read that carefully, fellas … anything that comes in a spray can is never going to get you laid. I don’t care if you just came from the gym…
Suck it up and visit the cologne counter at a reputable retail outlet and have a professional help you select a scent that will turn heads as opposed to stomachs. A great smelling man already has a huge advantage when it comes to attracting her attention and holding it in a good way. If she likes how you smell, she might stick around to hear what you have to say.
And since she stuck around, tell her in your charming way how you managed to talk the perfume professional into leaning so close you could feel her breath on your neck while she sniffed the cologne you chose. We love a man of persuasion without perversion.
Be one with the mall
I hate shopping … I hate trying to find clothes for myself and I don’t understand fashion. But you’d never know it, except for my work-required scrubs. My girlfriends cringe with jealousy and disgust when I show up at work or for a night out looking like a million bucks for one reason: I married a man who knows how to dress a woman. They want him, bad. If you want your woman to dress in a way that turns your crank, you better learn to love the mall … after that, your woman will look after the rest of your reputation when it comes to style and reputation with other women.
And as an aside, that cute little retail clerk … she’ll give you her undivided miniskirted attention if you know how to shop in her store.
Learn to say lingerie with confidence
Pretty much every guy I know (in person) carries on like a teenage boy when it comes to “nudity.” The ones who earn way more of my flirtation attention are the ones who can openly talk about lingerie and the appeal of it – without being crass. Personally, I’m OK with men who can be honest about their likes and dislikes when it comes to what a woman wears under their clothes; lingerie wasn’t strictly created just to be hidden and forgotten, in my opinion. These guys know how to hint at the “naughty” of ideas like modern-day women wearing stockings or the importance of matching bra and panties … and they save the “nude beach” humour for the guys at the gym.
This should be logical. Innuendo from a man who is cocky, arrogant and full of himself comes across as creepy 100% of the time. Innuendo from a man who is charmingly self-depreciating, somewhat reserved and gentlemanly will earn my attention in a hurry – and gain him a reputation of being something a little more than what appears. Creepy is just obvious; and word spreads faster than a cheetah on the chase.
Fine line between smartass and dumbass
Much like the above, it can be a delicate balance between flirtatiously playful jibes and uncalled for jabs. Learn to be clever; learn to use language to your advantage. And here’s a hint, that creepy guy from above … he’s crass. The naughty guy knows 86 ways to tease us about our underwear choices without ever using the expressions “get in your pants” or “going commando.”
There are a lot of men out there that seemingly don’t understand what women want from a threesome experience. It’s true that it’s one of our biggest fantasies – but just because we think it, doesn’t mean it’s something that (for some) is going to become a reality. I often think that we, as women, don’t get enough credit for looking at the threesome fantasy from a reasonable and achievable perspective. Instead, men hold onto a preconceived notion of “I could never bring that up in conversation.”
Actually, I believe a lot of us are just trying to avoid the inevitable disappointment our partners would experience if they knew the truth about how much thought many of us have put into the idea. To coin a tired old movie cliché, “You can’t handle the truth.”
The truth is there are many of us who do – some of us who even put a great amount of thought into how it would work; which leads to the deeper issue of not a lot of men who would be willing to accept – in reality – their wife’s version of the fantasy. Men, in my experience, aren’t so willing to surrender the control. They want to believe that introducing a person into their sexual escapades is a simple, momentary emotionless encounter.
A lot also want to believe their wife has suppressed bisexual tendencies that are going to explode from deep within as soon as she catches a glimpse of the perky naked breasts of the perfect extra player. It just doesn’t work like that.
Before you jump all over me guys – in a literary sense, at least – keep in mind that these are not necessarily scientifically-proven facts, just my observations from my own experiences.
Here’s my point …
Recently I was reading an article in which the male author was discussing the conversation he and his wife had about their sexual resolutions for the year. They had decided they needed to turn up the heat in their marriage and find new ways to add some adventure and spice. The writer shared things such as the “pick-up” fantasy, sex outdoors, anal and a threesome. He explained how he was initially surprised that his wife was open to the idea – but his thrill began to cool like the wind chill from the polar vortex as she clearly rationalized to him why the threesome would only work if the extra person was a man.
I know from my own experience and several years of chatting online that a lot of men have the fantasy of the other person in the mix being a female. They go into the fantasy with the belief that their partner will be accepting of that version – and to a larger degree, will suddenly discover how much they also like playing with women.
I’m afraid to share the reality that most women – even those cute clubber girls kissing each other – aren’t truly bisexual. A kiss is just a kiss … or so the song goes. When it comes to pretending to be into other women, I’d hazard to say the vast majority of those tiny tight dresses are only playing a game to get men’s attention and a refill from the bar.
And with that, even though it makes for great porn and some questionable Facebook photos, the chances of turning a girl-on-girl kiss into a sweaty sex-filled romp with only a single man between them is miniscule.
Women are experts at playing men … professionals in the game of seduction and tease. I’m willing to wager that if you took those smooching coeds away from the spotlight of the night club crowd, they wouldn’t be so quick to cozy up to the idea of horizontal mattress dancing. The perceived sexual willingness is at the core of men’s fantasies – they know it and use it to their advantage. It’s why women get into clubs free (and easier).
Conversely, when it comes to a threesome fantasy when the new participant is male, men struggle to relinquish the fact that all the bits fit much better in this equation. And while the idea of two hard cocks rocks a woman’s mind … many men struggle with their rigidity below the belt when confronted with something they have been told for years is wrong: men are not supposed to be aroused around other men.
Men also struggle with understanding that when presented with a new erection to experience, their wife may show an intense interest in exploring it – from several conceivable angles and without remembering someone else is waiting for a turn or an opening.
Of course, as much as my thoughts are simply my own, I recognize that there are many men (and women) who have a much more balanced outlook on sexual exploration. And more power to you … sex is supposed to be fun and liberating, not complicated and emotionally difficult.
I’m fortunate in that my husband has made it quite clear that his version of the fantasy involves another man. Oh, he is as straight as they get – but also comfortable enough with the sexual chemistry of pushing boundaries to not get queasy and weird about another erect cock in the room. I’m sure he has equal fantasies about being the only man in the mix – something I am also perfectly comfortable with.
I hope everyone was able to start the New Year off with a bang … yours truly is still focusing on the big red “X” on her calendar that marks the date when she is able (well, medically approved) to return to the realm of the laid.
Anyway, enough about my sexless woes … 2014 is upon us and we’re kicking off another year of TMI Tuesday entries with a fantasy-infused, naughty-thoughts driven look into my sexual mind.
What was the last fantasy you thought about while masturbating?
I have a couple very specific sex fantasies that I allow into my mind for masturbating … and the last time was one of my more desired ones: a threesome.
Do you think about fantasies while playing with your partner?
Yes, often … and I even talk about them with my husband during sex. I’m lucky in that I married a man who appreciates and celebrates my sexual fantasies almost as much as I do. He enjoys hearing about the naughty thoughts that go on in my mind – some of which have led to me being able to turn those fantasies into realities.
And he also likes to do the same. The last time I gave him a blowjob, he proceeded to describe in delightfully graphic detail about a fantasy he had that involved me and another man. The more he described it, the more I got into what I was doing – naturally. It was so hot, I just had to use the same idea to masturbate myself to orgasm shortly after swallowing what my husband had to offer … the taste of a man in my mouth while the idea of a man in my head, oh yeah. It hardly took any time before my own toes were curling and my back was arching.
If the sex isn’t that great do you find your mind wanders? If yes, to what?
Let’s be honest, after 23 years of being with the same man, there’s no reasonable argument out there to suggest that each and every intimate encounter is a bed-breaking romp. As I said, sometimes we openly share the naughty ideas that go on in our heads during sex – and sometimes we don’t. So naturally there are times when my mind wanders to some of those erotic thoughts of being a sex object for another man. I think it’s safe to say, he probably has also allowed his mind to wander a time or two.
Have you ever thought about a previous partner while with another?
I was on such a good string here … but now that I actually think about it, yes … yes, I have thought about an ex-boyfriend during sex with a different partner. Of course, it wasn’t something that took my mind to great memories of endless orgasms; no, it was thoughts about how useless he was in bed compared to someone who knew what they were doing.
What is the biggest turn-off thought that has barged into your head at the wrong moment?
This one is rather easy – especially for anyone that has children. Have you ever been in the heat of the moment, orgasm knocking on the clitoral hood, only to be dragged away from the point of ecstasy by the realization that your child is within ear-shot/eye-shot/grabbing your toe … yep, not exactly the Mom of the Year moment.
Otherwise, I’ve been really good at suppressing those thoughts of sexual defeat. Except for the answer above … I find the thoughts of how I wasted my time with that useless dick (the man, not the organ) when I could have been having a lot more fun discovering the joys of sex with someone who knew how sex was supposed to work.
I found this great infographic, courtesy of Durex, that helps explain some great things about sex toys. As someone who has a rather extensive toy chest of her own, I can honestly appreciate how sharing knowledge will help women (and men) learn to explore, experience and share pleasure without judgement and embarrassment.