Monthly Archives: December 2015
So, here we are, right in the midst of the notorious 12 days of Christmas. Of course, the traditional song may be lovely, but there are those of us who do wonder about where someone would keep all the livestock and fowl that comes along with the gifts being given. Holstein cows and swans do tend to make a bit of a mess – I grew up on a farm, so I’ve seen it before.
But, I do like the idea of having a dozen ways to wrap your brain around something – whether it’s festive romance and shopping lists, or if it’s just a way to take a moment at the end of the current year and begin to prepare yourself for the rebirth and renovations of our bad habits we all promise on January 1.
12 ways to inspire your sexual imagination
Firing up your sexual imagination isn’t as daunting as it may seem; yet, study after study has revealed that a healthy sexual imagination is a great component of a healthy relationship and overall general mental health. Here’s a dozen ideas that have worked for me over the past 20+ years of marriage:
- Indulge in a tawdry novel from the erotica section at the book store. Those people in the book store staring at you while you try to peruse the naughty section without blushing or looking like a rank amateur when it comes to naughty words – they’re waiting for you to move on so they can skim the shelves in the same section. My personal favourite authors of late: Shayla Black and Sylvia Day. And seriously, buy a book – erotica just isn’t the same when surfing online. If you’re too bashful for some healthy erotica, hit the self-help section and look for a sexuality guide that catches your fancy.
- Try on something outside of your comfort range when it comes to knickers. I’m not talking about trading your comfy tighty-whities for wisps of expensive lace from Agent Provocateur. But it doesn’t hurt to spend a little, get something new, colourful and worthy of showing off. It’s amazing how sexy a fresh pair of underpants can be – and they don’t need to be outrageous, seriously. The idea is that they eventually come off … right?
- Divulge a fantasy. It took me a long time to get to a point in my relationship with my husband where I was comfortable in sharing my sexual fantasies with him. But it was a necessary journey, and because of it, some have even come true without consequence. Know your boundaries, but open up a little and let your partner slip inside what makes you tick sexually. Start small, maybe reference a memory from the early days of your relationship to build upon. You don’t need to make the deep leap and start confessing to wanting to be trapped in the back of a UPS van with six hunky delivery guys. My own husband knows there are some fantasies he will never, ever learn about – some secrets aren’t so bad to keep when you have an honest understanding with each other.
- Eat healthier. Let’s be honest, a healthy body and a healthy diet is just common sense for a healthy mind and sex life. Although living a healthy life can be one of the biggest challenges we face. Not to mention, when you’re in shape, you have better stamina to go and go and go…
- Find ways to relax your body and mind. Some people like yoga, some people like blowing things up – whatever way you manage to shed the stress of the day, finding a way to chill and give your mind the opportunity to wander without worrying about that email you were supposed to send by 5:00 is a good thing.
- Enjoy an evening of sex-free mutual massage. Make your body (and often desire) come alive with a hardcore-rules, no-sex tonight, evening of mutual relaxing massage. I’m not talking about handjobs and happy endings; I’m talking about the very spa-friendly method of working out the stress from your partner’s muscles with a bit of body lotion, soft music and a difficult commitment to keep it non-orgasmic. If my experience is anything to judge it on, the following evening will be one helluva sexual release.
- Rework your love nest. At our house, there’s a bit of a joke with my husband and I about aphrodisiac power of fresh sheets on the bed. There are a lot of ways to rework your bedroom to make it an escape as opposed to a functional space for R.E.M. sleep. From scents to music to fresh sheets to mirrors, the potential is endless to turn the space into a sexual paradise.
- Try a change of sexual scenery. There’s a reason hotels are havens for getting busy – and study after study has proven that getting down and dirty in a new and unfamiliar environment is a huge boost for the libido – and willingness to experiment. You don’t need to save for that Vegas vacation, even that Holiday Inn Xpress across town will produce positive results.
- Talk dirty. This is a tricky one because there’s a fine line between turning on your partner and imitating an Andrew Dice Clay performance. Learn some suggestive ways to be suggestive … with an edge. As crazy as it sounds, practice too. There’s nothing quite as awkward as suggesting to your partner that you want to do something to a body part that you can’t enunciate with confidence.
- Try something risky (but safe). Have you ever wanted to fulfill that old high school fantasy of getting fucked in the backseat at a drive-in movie? Or skinny-dipping at the lake? There are a ton of great ideas to bump up the excitement of sexual risk – and studies have shown that for many women, the idea of getting caught is a huge turn-on.
- Ditch the old faithful (toy) and go shopping together for something new. I’m bad at this one. I have dozens of sex toys, but 97% of the time, only one model ever comes out of the drawer. In fact, I’m on my third one of the same model because of its incredible ability to bring me to orgasm over and over. But even when I have to hit the store to replace my worn-out battery-operated boyfriend, the excitement of having a new one is orgasmic unto itself. And if you’re thinking this might be a little intimidating, keep this in mind that over 70% of women require “direct clitoral” stimulation to reach orgasm…and guys, clitoral stimulation does not mean some elephant-sized rubber dildo that frightens even the most seasoned porn star. It means delightful buzzing on her little sex button.
- Introduce something new to your routine by turning up the kink a little. A recent survey found 36% of women get busy doggy-style, 31% missionary – which, in good statistical math, suggests a minority of women mix things up regularly when it comes to penetrative performance. Whether it’s a new position, light bondage, a blindfold, watching porn together…reading my blog and asking me what I do…there are lots of ways to turf the routine from your bedroom and expand your sexual horizons with only a little imagination and ability. All you need to do is try.
The reality is there are many ways to fire up your libido and sexual imagination. If you’re reading my thoughts, you’re probably comfortable with some of the more risqué approaches – porn, photography, threesomes, etc. But sometimes those things don’t really need to happen – sometimes just the very idea and conversation about the ‘possibility’ of those happening can get the imagination (and juices) spinning.
Regardless, maybe my 12 ways might help take your mind off a tired ol’ festive song and fire up your imagination to stuff stockings in a whole different way.
I was having a conversation on Twitter with a friend of mine when, after a series of compliments he paid to me, I mentioned how much I appreciated knowing that I could still attract the attention of men other than my husband – and how it’s important to a woman to know she is still attractive to other men.
(I failed to highlight run-on sentences in the conversation, but that may be best left for another day)
My friend “scoffed” at my point that women reach an age where they feel emotionally rewarded when other men take notice; how it is a validation of whether or not we “still have it” as an object of desire. In a way, it’s an important part of being a woman in our culture. We’re expected to be these vixens of modernism, and so much of our lives are subjected to whether or not we fit the bill in society’s eyes; and we’re judged for it.
Strong women stand up against this notion – and good for them. But for all the “feminism” that flies around, we still exist in a culture that judges us (and men, even more so today than in past) on looks, style and lifestyle.
I’ll probably lose my membership card to the women’s club – but for me, despite my choices in life and career, I like being noticed. I invest time and effort into earning those sideways glances and flirty smiles from men. I own it; and I’m OK with it. I’m not one to tee-off on a man because I’ve caught him taking a little longer to indulge his fleeting fantasy.
I honestly believe that a lot of women reach an age when they yearn to be noticed as a “woman” by a man who has no obligation to do so. Many of us spend countless amounts of money on hair care and makeup in our lives, and the intention is to be attractive and feel good about our looks. But that point in life is different for all – some may feel those pangs at 30, others at 50 … most of us felt them in our teens.
Shallow – defenders of feminism and individualism will say so. But, it’s also human nature – heck, it’s nature in general; it’s why species upon species have ritualistic mating dances, colourful plumage and pheromones.
So, you may feel entitled to call me shallow, vain – maybe even narcissistic. Meanwhile I’ll just give a little flirty smile back to your husband/boyfriend/supervisor/co-worker. I’ve worked hard to get them to look beyond your possessive nature and fire up their imagination.