Sex In My 40s | Mind-blowing sex?

This year turned over another significant anniversary – celebrating 27 years of marriage. More and more it seems to me that my husband and I are a bit of an anomaly in terms of time together. With stats continuing to show an almost 50% divorce rate today … well, it makes you appreciate these milestones.

Going back through some of the topics I had kept in mind to write about, I found this question …

Is it unreasonable to hope for mind-blowing sex when you have been together for several years?

The thing about long-term relationships, if I could add anything, is that there’s a long list of things you need to make it successful and loving. Three of those things when it comes to sexual relations, in my opinion, are compromise, a sense of adventure and an open mind.

I wouldn’t mislead you into thinking that every time my husband and I got busy that it was mind-blowing. Sometimes it’s very routine, sometimes it’s simply fulfilling a quick urge … and every now and then, it’s incredible. Your sex life isn’t any different from your life off of the mattress – there are peaks and valleys, good days and bad days, long days and short days. In a committed relationship it’s vital to remember that keeping an unrealistic expectation that you can swing from the chandelier every single time is not healthy.

And, frankly, it will drive you mad if your pursuit of that ideal never comes to fruition.

Sex, as you get deeper into adulthood, also butts up against some hard realities – life gets busier, careers become more demanding, and if it’s in the plan, little ones show up and consume all your time and energy (which only minimally goes away until they’re out of the house).

This is where those three things I mentioned earlier come into play. Great sex, no matter how you shape it, requires a moment in time of perfect chemistry between two (or more) people. That chemistry is fired up when you have an open mind and are willing to let new thoughts, ideas … positions, props and people … into your sexual sense. Trust me, it’s easy to fuck … and it’s easy to fuck without it meaning anything. But it won’t be mind-blowing if the only thing it involves is genitals.

To get inside someone’s mind, there has to be an opening … and it also may require that thought to evolve through compromise. Even the simplest of fantasies can turn complicated in reality. There’s so much we can’t control when things get going.

For example, I have always wanted to experience a threesome. Straight up, three … I still have delightful masturbatory moments imagining myself as the ‘base’ of a sexual Eiffel Tower. But, to this point, life has not worked out that way. And in the early days of sexual exploration, we struggled to find that partner for me, who would help fulfill that fantasy. It’s not that there weren’t willing volunteers – there was just never the right chemistry for me.

What did evolve from that (here’s the compromise and open mind and sense of adventure) was a couple of different foursomes. These led to experiences that we didn’t originally set out to explore as part of the plan, but were still incredible moments. Having an open-mind and a sense of adventure was a big part of that; and it offered a small compromise on what my initial fantasy was (is).

To create those mind-blowing sexual experiences, you both need to have that sense of sexual adventure. I find, in people that I meet, it’s usually their hang-ups that are holding them back from all the deliciousness life can deliver – if only you let it. As we get older, we lose that sense of a free mind and free spirit. We get caught up in living to standards and expectations others place on us, rather than letting our own hearts and minds explore unleashed from the fear of being judged for our actions.

That mindset acts as a repressing belief that “respectable people don’t do that sort of thing.” Who the hell wants to be “respectable” if it means you’re also living a life that is boring as hell. There’s a reason why watching paint dry isn’t a thing. You need to find yourself in the moment of discovery, venturing into the unknown with a sense of adventure and indulging in the pleasure that arrives on your doorstep.

All of this, of course, takes a couple of key ingredients to a long-term relationship – sexual energy and communication. If you can’t talk to each other about your sexual desires, needs and dirty thoughts, then the world that swirls around you will continue to drain that sexual energy away. You have to keep your partner engaged in your thoughts and your journey, sharing and exploring together.

If you want mind-blowing sex in any relationship, new or long-term, you need to be in charge of what you want and pursue it. Like so many other things in life, it’s there for the taking if you want it.

Andee xoxo

Remember Me?

Yeah, OK, it’s been a while.

I thought at the beginning of the pandemic that I would actually end up with more time on my hands. With lockdowns and places closed, I had it in mind – apart from the real concerns about the situation – that there would be less distraction to my life.

Oh, how I was wrong.

As an essential worker, my schedule blew up like never before. And my adult kids moved back home, as their own situations were less than ideal to ride out the strange days; which put some stress on the household situation, space and privacy-wise. But, thankfully, we all stayed healthy and employed (after a few brief stints of layoffs).

What all of this meant is a grinding halt to my ‘secret personality’ and a lot of the peripheral fun that has gone with living a life detached from ‘normal’ … whatever that is. Trust me, it’s an awkward situation trying to get some naughty photos taken when there are other family members hanging about and doing their own thing in the house. I know other models would agree with that.

Despite the descent into this bizarre, busy world of pandemic living, one of the things that did come about for me – and I’ve heard many others – is the re-evaluation of what is truly important in life. The somewhat forced reflection on needs and wants brought some enlightenment.

For me, I think I’m now somewhat more settled in a lot of things in my offline life.

What is on the horizon for ‘Andee’ is still an unknown – as it always has been. But, rest assured, the time of reflection has also prompted a few new ideas on that side of life, too!

Andee xoxo