Monthly Archives: December 2011
Seems like forever since I had the chance to write a blog update. I have no idea why this December is any busy than most, but it just seems like it is. Anyway, managed to find a time to tuck myself into the corner of the couch for a few minutes and put my thoughts to some things for you.
With so much going on for Christmas, there has been quite a bit of talk about all the great outfits for parties and such, and one of my Office Guys asked us at lunch what the difference was between attractive and sexy. A good thought because, personally, I think the two are very different in certain ways and very individual – as each of us have our own thoughts on what makes us attracted to others.
We could get into all the psychological stuff, but since I am not a psychologist and just a social voyeur, you get my not-so-educated thoughts on the whole thing.
For me, “attractive” tends to encompass a different attitude than “sexy.” The challenge for us is figuring out which is which, especially in these confusing days of human sexual relations and varying tastes in sexual partners.
On the surface, attractive has an element of elegance that is not present in sexy. It is in the subtleties of how someone presents themselves to others; from their physical appearance to their demeanor. In a way, it can almost be tied to a person’s level of “politeness” and “grace.” That said, someone can be attractive but not sexy because they do not convey those base emotions of desire, passion, lust … all those raw instincts within us.
Sexy is more purposeful, emotional, and has a more direct message that touches on our animal instincts to spark a desire. It is within a person’s confidence and how they carry themselves in certain situations. And as such, is more obvious and easier to define.
Sexy is everything from laughter to intelligence and back again, Sexy is confidence and individualism, and it’s being a team player and champion with dignity and class. Sexy is kindness and compassion, fairness and competitiveness.
Sexy is an aura that surrounds a person that doesn’t hint at arrogance, but has a healthy dose of flirtation and approachability. Sexy reveals the passion in one’s soul, and the desire in one’s heart.
When a woman intentionally dresses sexy, she wants a man to know her and knows what that reaction will be. She is sending a signal that reveals her outgoing and adventurous side – perhaps even as basic as inviting interaction.
What it isn’t is some societal standard. This past weekend, Men’s Health magazine named Jennifer Aniston as the Sexiest Woman. I personally agree. Not only is she physically gorgeous, but she is also confident, funny and we’ve all lived through the exploitation of her vulnerable side – thanks in part to someone I think isn’t sexy at all: Angelina Jolie.
But where all this falls down is that, while Jennifer Aniston is sexy, the media tells women that we can not be sexy unless we are like her. They narrow the definition down to celebrities, when there are so many other incredibly sexy women out there that aren’t paparazzi fodder.
And, as Sensuality Coach Lori Bryant Woolridge states in her Huffington Post blog: “Sexy is an outward expression of your inner feminine confidence, which makes it an attitude, not a style or a cup size. True sexy is your sexy — fluffed and shaped in any form you choose.”
Now, how about sexy vs. erotic?
By now, most of you who are regular visitors to this little rambling bit in my life should know that I have a bad habit of indulging in trashy women’s magazines. Well, the truth is sometimes you need an escape from everything and the outrageous advice offered in these borders on great comedy.
I truly fear for those who take it word for word.
This morning I was reading this cute little “expert advice” column on “Eight Secrets of Sexually Satisfied Couples” and I thought … right. To be fair, a couple of the points were actually very bang on. But mostly it was a very vanilla examination of what goes on behind closed doors – and I’m not sure that they have it all that accurate.
So, at the risk of coming across like a know-it-all, I thought I would offer my own insight into what makes for a sexcessful relationship:
You’ve read my soapbox stance on this repeatedly for over a year now, but there is a whole lot of truth to it. Communication is the key in a sexually healthy relationship, because couples need to not only talk about the day-to-day boring stuff like bills, groceries and mortgage rates, but they must also be able to talk about what turns that spark in their libido into a red-hot flame.
I don’t know about you, but as I experience new things and mature, my interests, thoughts, desires and fantasies change with me. If I don’t communicate these things with my husband, some day he’ll wake up and think that he no longer knows me. To be sexcessful, you need to have an open mind and be able to connect with your partner. And great communication eliminates any of those awkward “assumptions” that can sometime occur.
Some people we know have kids…and it seems pretty obvious that they may have had sex at least that many times. I’m proud of the fact that my coworkers assume my husband and I are sexting every time I have my cellphone out at the lunch table. I love that they think I am a sex-craved pervert. And I’m proud our sex life is not confined to mattress dancing in our own bedroom.
A few weeks ago I wrote about my date night with my husband and the sex-toy fun I had on the way home in the front seat. I’ve had sex on a quiet country road where I left my handprints on the back window of my car; sex in a friend’s bed while they were there doing the same; on camera while others watched; made sex videos…you get the picture (and there’s a few of those out there too). We work at keeping the excitement level high by refusing to fall into a routine.
My husband knows me probably a little better than me…but that is because we live our relationship like an open book. We share everything. I tell my husband about the shameless flirting that goes on at work…usually while we are getting busy between the sheets. I let him watch when I pleasure myself, and every now and then, he returns the favour (overdue, sweetie!). And it doesn’t stop there…but when you hide what goes on in your life – be it at work, school, home, social settings – from your partner, you are creating a barrier in the relationship.
I don’t think I have ever been shy about sharing my interest/desire/passion/lust for experiencing a threesome with you guys…and you only get what I can manage to type. At home, with my husband, I share even deeper details, passions and fantasies – all with the intention of letting him into my sexual mind and stoking his lust for me. Love is great, especially when spiced with a little lust.
Which brings me, naturally to …
It is very healthy to fantasize; and it is very human. Our ability to use the imagination as one of the best sex toys around is incredible – and so, sex fantasies can be exceptionally positive and inspiring when it comes to getting busy.
“Some partners share fantasies routinely as a part of lovemaking not only because it is arousing, but because it gives the couple a sense of heightened intimacy, explains Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a certified sex therapist and director of The Buehler Institute in Orange County, California.
Now, while this may sound all perfect and delightful, this is where it becomes even more important that couples have a strong level of communication already. If you’ve never opened that door before, suddenly blurting out to your partner that you want to have a wild night of threesome sex with that guy from the train may not generate the sexual enthusiasm you were hoping for…
I have to admit that I would have never imagined myself as an amateur sexual scientist. Then I met my husband. He has introduced me to so many new experiences and opened my mind to new desires and pleasures. Would I have developed such an attachment to my battery-operated boyfriend had my hubby not bought me one? Maybe, but probably not to the degree of toe-curling delight that I do now. Then there is the whole resolving of my bi-curious nature.
Is this for everyone? No, but couples need to find there own way with experimenting and allowing their sexual desires to come out. Maybe you are not in it for swinging from the chandeliers, or steamy pulsating orgies. But everyone has a little something they would like to try – does your partner know that about you?
One of the worst things I see in some of my friends’ and family’s relationships are that they settle for just “OK.” They quit trying to keep the flames alive and simply fall into a routine of “Oh, it’s Tuesday …”
It’s very frustrating to watch couples who have let the passion and sexual heat fade; even more so because I think people get caught up in perceived social acceptance that adults don’t act that way anymore. Why do we lose the excitement and lust we enjoyed as teenagers just because we achieved some chronological number past 30?
There will always be those who say we shouldn’t act like we love and lust over our partner in a public setting…and I say jealousy takes form in many different ways. When you quit trying to keep the flames of passion burning in a relationship, you’ve let those who feel it is their place to determine how we interact with others win in their miserable own mission.
I take pride in pissing off my miserable married coworkers with my overly sexed lifestyle and intimate connection with my husband.
I’ve earned the right to be sexsessful.
And sure, there are things like trust, respect and honour … but those should be givens if you are in a committed relationship. Regardless of what you think works for other couples, you have to find your own way; and that starts with paying attention to all those important ways to connect with your partner.
You know, it’s kind of funny – in not a “ha ha” way – how some days life shows up and reminds you that you should be living it. I had a whole thought process going this morning on what I was going to write about to start my week off, plugging along nicely with some visions in my mind, when I got a text from my hubby to tell me that someone near and dear to us lost their mother.