Monthly Archives: April 2012
I can’t say that I’m the most experienced person when it comes to daring sex; and by daring, I mean fun things like sex in public places, or where the risk of getting caught or seen might be high. That’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy tempting the voyeur gods a little bit more, it just says that there’s a lot left for me to explore.
In one of the past TMI Tuesday blogs I had read, there was something that stood out to me as something to consider for one of my own updates. Maybe not so much as a TMI Tuesday theme, but rather just a thought that would be fun to explore.
The idea centred around whether or not it would be more exciting to have sex in the shower, a pool or a hot tub. Having already accomplished all three of these, my thinking was more along the lines of where could I take the idea next?
Sex in the shower isn’t unheard of in my house. With two Little Men – who are now not so little – there isn’t a great deal of “privacy” when the mood strikes. Let’s be honest, when Mom’s bedroom door is closed and it’s not bedtime yet, chances are something is going on … and they’re old enough to know. Luckily they still look at the whole thing as “icky.” The longer I can keep them innocent, the better.
One thought that has intrigued me for some time, however, is having a shower that is specifically designed for sex. A few years ago my husband spent some time in Las Vegas for work – home to about every twisted thought one can have. The shower in his room is exactly what I have in mind (he took a picture): a seamless glass booth with multiple shower heads. It would be perfect for a great many sexual encounters … and maybe even a great video or two.
Now, with that planned for home renovations, the other water-based sex scene I would love to explore is that of a hotel hot tub. Excuse the reality that the water might not be the sexiest – use your own imagination here – but I love the idea of pushing the limits like that. In my thoughts, there would be only a few adults around, oblivious to what is going on.
Or maybe not …
I think this is something that really captured my curiosity a few years ago when I was away for a conference with a coworker. I blogged about how that weekend was the one that opened my mind to my bisexual side and peaked my interest in wanting to know more.
You can read the bigger details here … but focusing on the hot tub … my friend and I decided to spend a bit of time before the evening’s big event down at the hotel pool. Being away from spouses also meant a little less of the “watchful eye” and freedom to be a little silly, playful and brave. We slipped into our bikinis and headed downstairs.
There hotel was pretty busy, as it was right next door to a major airport. When we got down there, there were a few families in the pool, so we made a b-line for the hot tub. We weren’t in there too long when a couple guys came over and got in as well. Now, this is not like a backyard tub where it’s very cozy so it wasn’t awkward. After a couple minutes, the small talk started in pretty typical fashion: where are from, what are you doing here, etc. She and I were already in a very chatty mood, quietly discussing our bisexual curiosities.
Since hotel hot tubs tend to be noisy, with each question, and the instinct to lean closer in order to hear, eventually the four of us all shuffled closer together. To be clear, nothing was going to happen with these guys other than some fun flirty and a little innuendo. My friend and I had no intention of doing anything involving other men.
The biggest surprise for me though, was as we were sitting, chatting, she and I were very close together. Usually in a hot tub, you kind of have your arms floating out front, playing with the bubbles, that kind of thing. Unexpectedly, I felt her hand on my leg. Having already been delightfully turned on by her (read the original blog) this was a very welcome move. As our conversation continued with the guys – and got particularly more suggestive – her hand moved as well. In a few minutes, she had settled her fingers at the top of my thigh, with her pinky finger stroking me through my bikini.
Now, you have to understand that this was the first time that another woman had ever touched me there in such a sexual fashion. I don’t remember if I gasped, coughed or sputtered, but I do remember the wave of incredible lust that overcame me after it sank in what was happening. And I have no doubt that the guys we were with suspected something.
Regardless, the moment left me with a deeper desire to explore my bisexual thoughts and a huge fantasy for hotel hot tubs.
Every now and then, I hear the occasional “bit of advice” about not asking about a person’s sexual history. I guess I am a bit of an unusual case because, honestly, I want to know … and please feel free to use some graphic descriptions. I see it as an important part of who my partner is. These were experiences that were real and important to them at a point in their life. On top of that, who’s to judge whether or not I might learn something from it that might help me bring them more happiness.
When I saw a few messages this week when I checked my email, I figured what would be better than to expose some intimate detail about my own history. So, here’s a Formspring Friday question that I certainly liked on the subject of sexual mileage:
Do you think your friends would guess that you have slept with more or less people than you actually have?
For anyone who knows me – the real me behind Andee – they would probably guess pretty darn close to the truth. My circle of close friends know my husband and I have been in a very committed relationship for a long time … 22 years, in fact. They also know my age, which when using simple math would tell them that I was pretty young when I started dating him. The assumption would be that, given my age when we started dating, it would have taken me out of the dating pool for part of high school and all of college.
Assuming I also behaved 100% while maintaining a long-distance relationship for almost two years.
Having said that, I think that a good number of them would under-guess the truth because they may not really know about some of the sexual antics that my hubby and I have enjoyed: assuming that we’re not going to say sex only has to be intercourse between a man and a woman. There have been a few very enjoyable nights and afternoons of healthy, sweaty sexual activity that just didn’t reach the point of traditional intercourse between me and another man.
So that might cloud the issue. I know that for some of my friends south of the border, there has been some debate on whether or not a little oral action qualifies as “sexual relations.” But what’s a blowjob or pussy-licking between friends, right?
And do women count as sexual partners?
Ooh, the depth of it all!
Now, I think that some of my other more casual friends and coworkers might over-estimate the number of sexual partners I have had, given the occasional flashes of sexual confidence that exude from me. And I’m sure that, based on the kind of things I do share with them about my marriage, they might think I have a bit of a track record of experience.
Regardless, I am a big believer in quality sexual relations over quantity.
So, just to make things a bit fun, I have decided to turn my blog poll into your chance to “guess” the number of sexual partners I have had. I’m going to leave it wide open for you and say that I personally consider oral sex to be sex … besides, it helps with the stats.
Once the poll is done, I’ll confess all to you … plus it gives me a week to pad the numbers just in case!
I think everyone has their own idea of what couples should discuss as their relationships develop, grow and evolve over time. The experts suggest it is a good idea to communicate about life’s complexities, such as money issues, marriage, children, careers, and a laundry list of other subjects. While I’m not expert in this area, in a small way, I consider myself very successful at maintaining a relationship – especially when I see example after example of others falling apart.
And I’m not sure where, or how, I can point to the secrets of my success. The all-too-simplistic answer is that I married my best friend. But it is more complicated than that.
I was reading one of my favourite trashy women’s magazines again and stumbled across one of those articles that suggested the standard “conversations you need to have with your spouse.” Yeah, alright, we do need to be on the same page as a couple with the day-to-day life issues, but too many people never have the rest of the important talks.
Andee’s Four Forgotten Talks Couples Must Have
You might confuse this with the “sex” talk, but it’s more than that. Deeper than that, if you can pardon the pun. Can you identify the last time you cuddled after an amazing, mind-blowing, sweaty romp and say it was original; and I don’t mean “original” by breaking tradition from the usual Missionary Tuesdays. Or when was the last time you learned something new about your partner’s sexual desires and willingness to experiment?
People change, grow and along with that, so do their sexual appetites. For example, when I first started dating my husband – and even into the first couple years of our marriage – there were some sexual activities I did not enjoy. One was anal. It hurt like hell and it was not something I cared to attempt, even with a gallon of tequila. And while it still doesn’t rank “frequent” on our list of things to do in bed, lately I have been absolutely enjoying a lot of “in addition to” playtime back there during intercourse.
The other was oral. I was never comfortable with it, and probably held a little apprehension to it following some early sexual experiences with another man. Of course, it might have to do with that sex partner’s particular approach to it, but again, it was not something I was very comfortable with – never mind the end result and what to do! These days I have a reputation … a very well-earned, often-practiced and never-a-drop-spilled reputation.
Experience, confidence and courage … they all add up to a much broader sense of sexuality and desire. It helped immensely that I took a workshop on how to blow his mind in bed.
Typically the area better recognized as where the green monster of jealousy rears its ugly head. Yes, couples talk about his leering beer-league buddies, or her ultra-bitchy BFF. But what about, for example, her flirty Office Guy? Or his mini-skirted Lunch Lady?
Friends of the opposite sex can expose a whole bunch of insecurities within couples, especially if these friends are not mutual friends. It’s important to be upfront and honest with your husband or wife about those individuals with whom you share a somewhat sexually-charged friendship with – but not necessarily a sexual relationship. That would be the Friends with Benefits Talk, which is a whole different conversation.
If there is one conversation I have learned more about from my time on the Internet, it is how this subject is the least talked about topic between couples. Guys will share with me some of the sexiest, naughtiest, erotic thoughts during online chats, but when I say you should tell your wife, they respond with how “she wouldn’t understand” or “she would kill me if she knew.”
The Fantasy Talk is probably the most difficult conversation to have because of how vulnerable to judgment it can leave you. The last thing anyone wants from the person they love is that shocked downward glance of disapproval after you have just admitted to a fun idea involving a pair of high heels and the college football team.
Never mind your fantasies; right now can you list five on a sticky note that you know for sure that your partner has? Three? One?
They don’t have any, you say? I call shenanigans on that one. Everyone has at least one fantasy, but rather than open up and expose themselves to ridicule, it’s easier to say “I have everything I want.” The psychology of it all can be rather daunting.
Understanding – and not judging – your partner’s desires are one of the biggest keys to a healthy and lasting relationship. Fantasies are what keep the mind engaged, and don’t always have to be about mathematically impossible predicaments. But you’ll never know as long as fear in the relationship is greater than communication and understanding.
The Regrets Talk
I was reading an absolutely heart-wrenching blog recently, written by a woman who is battling through ovarian cancer. I’m not going to hit on all the entries that made me pause to catch my breath and calm my heart. But the one big underline in this is living life as much as you can without the “What ifs” and “Should haves.”
Suffice to say, her blog just validated the adventure I am trying to have.
Ask yourself one thing today: if you had to confront your own mortality right now, accept that every day you lived from here on in was going against the odds, what question do you wish you had the courage to ask your spouse? What one action or event stands in your mind as something to be achieved, but fear is holding you back.
It doesn’t have to be about the typical “bucket list” items people talk about … hell; it doesn’t even need to involve a fabulous pair of stilettos and 30 freshly-showered buff college athletes in crisp white towels. Or in my personal example an afternoon hall pass with my Office Guy. It can be as simple as returning to the spot where you shared your first kiss.
All it has to be is “Honey, there’s something I really want …” Then let the words and your imagination take you from there.
I’m pretty sure that you have figured out by now that I tend to be a bit of an open book when it comes to the sexual side of my life. Well, I am on here anyway.
I just think it’s a much more intriguing and entertaining topic when it comes to something to talk about. Plus, why should we feel so afraid of sex as a subject? Imagine how much more exciting life would be if instead of making small talk about nonsensical things like the weather, we could stand in the elevator and ask “So … get laid last night?”
But even when it does come to talking about sex, there are certain topics that remain “off limits.” Almost every relationship expert says not to discuss previous sexual partners. They suggest that those things, as they are intimate details of someone’s past, should remain secrets locked away for all eternity.
I don’t know … I can’t say I really agree with that idea too much.
I don’t have a crowd of skeletons in my closet when it comes to past lovers … but as I said last week, I like to think that the experiences we have had with previous sexual partners help define who we are as sexual beings. We have been able, through those intimate moments, to gain a better understanding of what we like, what we don’t like, what we’re good at and what we may have been missing when we finally meet that partner who is that much better!
Plus, I subscribe to the belief that those past experiences – for the most part – are not something we need to be ashamed of. Parachute pants and big hair in the 80s, yes … but life experiences, not so much. Of course, I am referring to experiences that have not led to emotional or physical scars – and as I get older, I realize that I was fortunate in that my past lovers were relatively average; no serial killers, closet psychopaths or Backstreet Boy tribute band members.
Maybe it is part of the kinky side of me, but I like to know about what has gone on in my partner’s previous relationships. Not so much from a nosy side, but recognizing that surely there must have been something they enjoyed and made them happy, so what is that – and is it something that I might be able to bring to our relationship to make it even better?
The real kinky side of me likes to hear, in graphic detail, some of those moments that I wasn’t there for. It’s almost like a bit of personal erotica.
But am I going to dress up in things like they did? Probably not. But if there was some fun and exciting positions that might not be a regular feature in our sex life, I might be willing to indulge and bring a smile to your face.
And there is the other side to it, as well. As lovers, we all want to know how we stack up to the previous notches on the bedpost. Call it ego, but from a somewhat kinky perspective … just what is it she did with her tongue to make your eyes roll back into your head?
One thing I do believe when it comes to sharing information about other lovers is knowing when the time is right. Communication is hugely important, and there is nothing wrong with sharing some of those life experiences – you just have to pick your moments. But if you talk a lot, you’ll know. If you don’t talk a lot, you might want to start.
What is your sexual personality?
a) The Controller – initiating sex, twisting your into positions you want, driving the scene play-by-play
b) The Sex Slave – you love to be used and at the mercy of your lover. You won’t initiate but follow and do as you are told. You love to be used.
c) Daredevil – sexual adventure and sexual thrills are what you are about. You get off on the risk factor.
d) Subdued – sex is a necessary part of the relationship so you are available when needed
I really like this question because I love trying to figure out just what other people’s sexual personality might be. It’s a bit of twisted thing for me, especially when I meet a couple and as I get to know them begin to wonder what the attraction is, who takes the lead in the bedroom … if they are as kinky as I am, if they might be shocked to discover some of the adventures and experiences I’ve enjoyed.
But picking just one personality type for myself, I would say that I am very much the Daredevil when it comes to sex. I’m all for trying new things and ways to indulge my sexual desires. The bigger problem I have with being a Daredevil is not having all the necessary opportunities to challenge the risk and danger more than I do. Some parts of real life and socially acceptable behavior keep things in check. And, let’s be honest, despite the outward sexual confidence you might think comes through in all of this fun stuff online, I remain very much a shy, reserved person whose imagination runs wilder than her true courage.
But I also have a bit of a multiple personality aspect as well, because for the most part, I am not the initiator in sex – and I’m pretty sure my partner would love it if I would take the lead more often. I can’t say that wholly makes me the Sex Slave, but I’m sure you get the idea.
How many times have you sneaked away from party guests to have sex in another part of the party venue? Where did you sneak to? Were you ever caught?
In all honesty, none … there have been a few times where we have left a party to go home (or somewhere far removed from the venue) to get down to business, but I have never done the women’s washroom stall or darkened coatroom vertical shuffle.
But I think most of that simply boils down to opportunity and degree of horniness. I like quickies, but if I know there is the chance for extended sexual action – such as just getting all naked, sweaty and duly laid, it’s more appealing to me to not have to slip my dress back on and return to being a social butterfly.
Having said that, I also think it would an unbelievably erotic experience to try something different like that. It would be a lot of fun to find somewhere secluded, pull up the hem of my dress and drop my panties and let the guy drive me hard. Then, when we were done, slip my panties back on and return to the party wondering what people might think if they knew I was soaking wet from my experience just a few minutes earlier. Would they notice my flushed cheeks and slightly different walk? Of course, that’s assuming I chose intercourse over giving him a mind-blowing tongue-lashing.
Makes me want to get myself an invite to something soon!
Your sex party that you are mad crazy for requested you do one of the following, which one would you grant consent to do?
a) Bondage/Light Restraint – with your legs and hands tied while having sex
b) Sexual spanking that leaves marks
c) Record the two of you having sex
d) Have sex in a mirrored room where you can see yourselves having sex from every angle
Well, given that the only one I have not done outright is b), and d) might be challenged by the aficionados as – while I have sex mirrors installed in my bedroom and have enjoyed hotels with strategically placed mirrors – I have never done it in a room that was floor-to-ceiling reflections. But should I find that room, you can be guaranteed I would be game.
I love to watch sex, and I love to watch my lover in action … it’s kind of like my own personal sex show. I can’t say that I am a big enthusiast of watching porn, and like most women I prefer the intelligence of erotica and pushing my imagination. But given the chance to watch things live – whether I’m in on it or not – is extremely exciting for me.
As for the sexual spanking, neither my partner nor I have particularly explored the idea of mixing pleasure and sexual pain as part of our routine. I’m not against it though, and who knows … maybe someday we will find the right level of kink to knock that one off the list of “haven’t done.” He does own a riding crop … just hasn’t brought it to the bedroom yet.
Do you act out your sexual fantasies (select one)? Why?
a) I act out all my fantasies
b) I act out many of my fantasies
c) I act out some of my fantasies
d) I act out very few of my fantasies
e) I don’t act out any of my fantasies
f) I don’t have any fantasies
I would have to say that right now I fall into the c) category. I have acted out a some of my fantasies, and these days I am very interested in continuing to explore and turn more of them into realities as the opportunities come along. Of course, the sad fact is that there are some that just seem too far out of reach due to either the people that occupy a role in them, or that some other hurdles just seem too big to overcome. As much fun as it would be to have a wild interlude with, say, Jennifer Aniston, I’m not counting on that to happen any time soon. Nor will some of my exceptionally voyeuristic and exhibitionist ideas … more so due to laws surrounding public nudity, etc.
However, those that can be turned into realities are very much on my list of desires and I am really fortunate to have someone in my life that is willing to explore some of those with me. I think that might be the bigger hurdle for many people – having the support and understanding of their partner to validate their fantasies and allow them to be a healthy part of their relationship.
How important is sex in your life (select one)?
a) I could hardly survive without it
b) It is very important
c) It is somewhat important
d) I could live without it
e) If it were up to me, sex wouldn’t even exist
Easy answer – a)
Now then, given that you cannot predict what cards life might deal, I would add to that choice by saying that my libido right now says a), but you take what you get. It’s no secret that I love sex, and I love a wide variety of sexual experiences – from simple solo sessions designed to relieve a little stress to downright kinky, fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolds while you probe my body with sex toys and your own erect dick kind of sex.
BONUS: (Fill in the blank)
Sex is ______________
Sex is meant to be an exciting adventure