Category Archives: wife
After my last entry on being more comfortable with sex in my 40s, someone asked me if my sexual boundaries had changed – are they looser or firmer? Had my past experiences done anything to shape how I define my sexuality and sense of adventure?
Wishy-washy answer is yes.
Let me take you a bit deeper. I think life experience in general leads to people changing their sexual boundaries. To me, they’ve never been immovable stone walls. As you try new things and discover likes and dislikes, kinks and twists, they move. It’s no different than your taste for food or fashion. “The times, they are a changin'”
As a young woman, newly married and outrageously naive in the ways of the world, my sexual boundaries were pretty clear and straight forward. I had never considered acting on any of my fantasies – or even just talk about them. I had repressed a lot of those ‘thoughts’ because of my staunch Catholic upbringing. The wildest thing I was willing (with great reluctance and internal conflict) to try was a vibrator. And even then, I had never expressed a desire to try one, my boyfriend at the time thought it would be fun.
He was right.
About the only sense of adventure I had back then was posing for pictures. I had already become comfortable in front of the camera from some experience in mainstream (aka non-nude) modelling.
That proved to be the key to Andee’s own Pandoras Box. It was from there that new ideas, experiences and sexual confidence grew. As the photos evolved from teasingly playful to stocking-clad pin-ups to all-out nudes, a naughtier side of me emerged. Of course, it helped that my husband was very open and supportive. He encouraged me to break free from a lot of unhealthy thoughts and discover many new things about myself.
He allowed me to explore without jealousy, listened to my thoughts and helped me shape some my fantasies – and turn some of them into realities.
My sexual boundaries had grown pretty wide during those days.
But life also has this crazy way of putting you in your place. It’s not so much ‘all good things must come to an end’ … It was just that other priorities became top priorities. And when those priorities have been dealt with, time has passed and that hot, slim brunette vixen has evolved into that road-weary soccer mom with grey hair and crows feet.
If anything, the past eight years have pulled those boundaries back in. Somethings just took a back seat – sexual discovery included. And a dose of reality pushed out some of the fantasy.
But, they’re still movable. My challenge now is to see if I can, and just how far can they really go. Some of that involves evaluating what’s important to me now – both sexually and non.
I may just start back at the beginning … with that delightful buzzing sex toy.
A question that came up quite some time ago that I have been giving some thought to is “Has blogging helped you with your sex life?”
I started my blog a long time ago for two specific reasons: it gave me an outlet to express a side of me I felt I couldn’t do in my offline life, and secondly – bluntly – it also serves as another affiliate to my Southern Charms website. As my site began to build up a bit of a fan base, and I found some comfort in my social media experience, it seemed to be a logical step.
I’ll be honest, at first, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’m not really a writer, I have some interesting thoughts to share but I’m not always the best at putting them down in writing. Thankfully I have a really good editor and writing coach. That said, having him read some of my most intimate thoughts was a huge hurdle for me. My husband and I have a very close and open relationship, but it was still new territory. There were things I still hadn’t share with him.
Exposing your vulnerable side is difficult, even to your soulmate. Trust has been crucial.
Then there was the unknown of opening up to the masses. I was apprehensive about the reality of trolls, the insults, to spammers and digital stalkers. I was well-acquainted to that side of the Internet and it took some learning about how to deal with the keyboard idiots, but the good quickly far outweighed the bad.
Some of what I share is news to him, as much as it is to you. There have been more than a few occasions when letting him read what was going on with me was easier than talking. Again, just because we’re married doesn’t mean we still don’t have our own independence.
I think as we started to talk about what I was writing, both he and I began to discover a new side to our marriage. He was certainly learning a lot about me – which then led to me learning a lot about him. When you have deeper knowledge of another person, your relationship changes – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the bad. Ours was definitely better.
Opening up my sexual fantasies to my husband has led to not only better and hotter sex between us, but it has also led to me having the opportunities to turn some of them into reality. That would have never happened if I didn’t have the courage to expose that vulnerable side – something writing about my thoughts and experiences has helped.
Another aspect of blogging improving my sex life has been just the improvement in my overall comfort with being open. I’ve been able to shed a lot of my hangups. Writing has put me in touch with a part of my imagination that needed an outlet.
This is something that came up quite a long time ago, and I’m not sure there’s any more clarity today than there was back then.
When I first disclosed that I considered myself to be bisexual, I was asked what was the one aspect of my sexuality that I understood the least. A challenging question, because I’m not too sure my thoughts on it are about my sexuality, or just plain psychology. Even then, I’m now at the age where experience and confidence play a much bigger role in defining my sexuality.
Most definitely, something I understood the least was my apprehension to be open about it – and just let myself see where the moment would take me.
At the height of those days of discovery, my curiosity drove me the most. My desire to try new things and uncover a different part of myself far outweighed any fear I had. In my mind I wondered why I had been so reluctant. Of course, the answers were all very logical: I was raised in a staunch Catholic house, in a small town where every sin and indiscretion becomes front page news. I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience…but I did have a very supportive and encouraging husband. His confidence in me and our relationship cleared the way.
These days a lot of that is behind me. The circumstances of my life have changed a great deal of the adventure I set out on 17 years ago. The reality of being a mother, wife and career woman became all-encompassing and the availability to explore diminished. It hasn’t changed who I am, but it has pushed me in a different direction.
Is the least understood thing that I’m not sure I will go back down that path … or is it that I’m still feeling very detached from the woman I was not that long ago?
It’s been a while since I wrote anything about a specific sex act. But then again, I did take an extended break of almost two-plus years on writing blog entries as a whole…
Despite the lack of writing, struggling through a roller coaster ride with my libido, work-related stress and planning for a major life upheaval – not a lot changed in my actual sexual routine. OK, you’re right, there was that eight-month separation from my husband when he moved overseas and I waited on my visa. What did change during that period was my masturbation habits increased dramatically, I had some reunions with my sexual fantasies in my head and rediscovered the thrill of cam-to-cam mutual masturbation.
But other than that …
The reunion with my husband after finding creative ways to keep the fires burning hot while on two sides of the world meant there was definitely some serious catching up on the sexual agenda. Cutting to the chase, that meant two things – lots of intercourse … and oral.
Oral for me has been a long-time delight, both receiving and giving. It was one of the very first sex acts I ever performed, but it wasn’t until I attended a workshop in my mid-20s that it became something of a specialty. I have blogged about that before, but in a nutshell – my radio-personality friend thought one of those “Drive Your Man Wild in Bed” seminars would make for great material, invited me along … she got some fun stuff for her show, I came away truly enlightened and anxious to try. My husband describes it to this day as the best-ever investment he’s ever made (he paid for my ticket to the event so I wouldn’t chicken out).
Blowjobs have been a staple in our sexual relationship – but despite the frequency and ‘willingness’ on my behalf to ‘go down’ – the end result is still somewhat predictable. If I’m not taking him too far, I’m switching up the moment to include intercourse.
So then, someone asked … “do you always swallow, or do you let him cum on your face or tits?”
I wrote about this in the past too – but, you know, talking about sex, blowjobs, stuff like that, is something that I do anyway, so revisiting the whole topic is yet another wonderful distraction in our world gone mad.
Facials – when the man cums on the woman’s face – isn’t something that has been a big part of my personal sexual repetoire. Well, unless you count chin dribbles. And it’s not because of anything deep-rooted in my sexual psyche; it’s actually because I rather like having a man cum in my mouth. You know, I’ve worked that hard to tempt, tease and drive him to the point of no return for his orgasm, I kind of want to enjoy the ‘fruits of my labour’ so to speak.
On occasion, I admit that it can be outrageously exciting to let him unload on me. As a sexual woman, I do find it exciting to watch a man’s moment of release. To see, somewhat up close, his peak moment of pleasure. However, there is some need to be cautious about exactly where some of that lands. Pepper spray is less painful in the eye than cum … just sayin’.
That said, it also took me a while, and a bit of sexual maturity, to arrive at a point in my life where I’ve gotten over the ‘grossness’ of swallowing a man’s cum. For some women, that’s the biggest hurdle in taking a man to completion. I saw the results of a sex survey a while back that said only about nine per cent of women would finish a man off with her mouth … which made a lot of sense to me.
It’s hard to describe the experience of having a man cum in your mouth to someone who has never had the experience. No matter how much warning he gives you, it’s still a surprise when that hot cum spurts onto your tongue, against the back of your mouth … onto your tonsils and back of your throat. If it’s been a while since he’s had an orgasm, that can add a new dimension to fighting the gag reflex! It’s exciting … unique … different every time.
It’s also a little addictive to me. I love the sense of power. Lots of people think a woman giving a blowjob is an act of submission. Trust me, when I have a man in my mouth, hard, horny and anxious for completion … I know who is in control.
A man’s ‘flavour’ is a constantly changing part of the experience too. And each man is different from the next. I can usually tell when my husband has been indulging in certain foods (beers, vegetables and fruits being the most frequent causes of his taste) – and there’s only a smackeral of truth to how some foods will make you taste better, guys. Only a small smackeral; it’s still cum, and it’s still not a gourmet feast.
Something I can say as I explore this world of sex in my 40s … the experience I have gained is making things like this far more interesting than they were in my 20s.
Recently I was reading a bunch of different “relationship” questions in an effort to boost my creative juices for writing on my blog. The one topic that seemed to surface repeatedly was the one of “what makes a relationship successful.”
Now, I can only reflect on this from my own perspective, but I think that having a marriage edging towards its 26th year, and a committed relationship with the same man for almost 30, there may be an idea of two on what that key element is.
For me, the easiest quality required for a successful relationship – sexual or not – is kindness. Without kindness, I personally believe there isn’t a very solid foundation for a relationship to stand on. And in kindness, I also mean mutual respect. It’s a sharing of compassion, consideration and openness without judgement.
Any relationship with longevity also relies on very open and honest communication. You have to recognize that you’re co-existing on a most intimate level when you’re in a long term union. You need to have the ability, vulnerability and confidence to share at a level you don’t in any other relationship in your life. It takes a high degree of courage to invite someone so deeply into your inner thoughts – your hopes, dreams and desires. And, of course, your sexual kinks and quirks.
And that’s a very big part of it for me – having the connection, trust, intimacy – but also the sexual honesty. At some point, you need to invite a partner into what makes you tick; what is that truly turns you on. To get there, you need to be able to communicate on a level that is unique.
In my own relationship, it was those conversations that allowed me to emerge from my small-town naivete and recognize that there was a whole other sexual world to be explored.
But here’s a strange thing about being sexually adventurous when you’re in a marriage (well, at any point really, relationship or not): every adventure has an element of failure. When something goes ‘wrong’ – that fantasy doesn’t work out quite the way you pictured it in your mind – it can be soul-crushing. But when you have a strong connection and can talk about things, you are able to see it in a much different light. It becomes less of a ‘failure to launch’ and more of a ‘OK, we tried. What’s next?’ It’s far easier on the ego when you can communicate about your disappointment / fear / dislike / love for something explored.