Monthly Archives: May 2013
For some people, I think keeping score when it comes to sexual partners is something that they thrive on. And in the battle of the sexes, it can be a double standard. Men with a lot of partners are often held up as “studs” while women with a high number are viewed as “sluts.”
As I blogged back in April 2012, sex is just a number. And shortly after conducting a poll to see if you guys could guess my own personal number, I followed up with another blog entry spilling the beans. Luckily most of you did your homework and passed the quiz!
Regardless, the one thing about me, is that I am a very inquisitive person and have no problems sharing my own sexual experiences with you for another deliciously sexy TMI Tuesday. Thank you to blogger sweetendirty.wordpress.com for this week’s questions:
1. Do you/have you ever kept track of the number or people you have been with?
Yes, but it’s not a very complicated mathematical equation; I can count that high without taking my shoes and socks off. My reality is I met the man who would become my husband when I was 16, so for a very long time, I have been in an exclusive relationship. Having said that, previous experience and post-marriage playtime have allowed me to own a small track record. From a sense that sex might include more than just traditional intercourse, my number is a simple 6. That includes four different men and two women.
That said, my adventure is still moving ahead and I would be lying if I didn’t say that I see that number going a little higher if all things come together as my fantasies become realities.
But something that makes things a bit more intriguing is this online calculator called The Sex Degrees of Separation that can tell you how many indirect sexual partners you have had. My number came in at 6,567,729! And I didn’t include the two women with whom I’ve had sexual fun with!
2. To get specific, How many people have you:
a) slept with (intercourse)
b) kissed (in a romantic way, obviously)
c) given oral to
d) received oral from, etc.
a) traditional intercourse: three men have slipped their nice hard cocks into me, plus one woman where things got really delightfully kinky and hot; b) several of both sexes to be honest; c) three men, two women have allowed me to pleasure them with my mouth; d) four men, two women have returned the pleasure to me.
3. What is the most amount of people you have been with at one time? (twosome, threesome, foursome, etc)
I’ve shared the experience a few times in the past, but during a time when my husband and I were exploring a little with the swingers lifestyle, we had a few foursomes with another married couple. For the most part, these experiences involved a lot of shared oral sex, playful fingering and hot kissing.
4. Have you ever had multiple partners in the same day, just different times? (One person in the morning, another at lunch, and one at dinner, etc)
This is where things get more interesting, because it has been something I have enjoyed …
BONUS: Describe your best multiple person encounter, either something that actually happened or one that you would want to happen. Or both.
My regular followers know that this is the time I shared with my friend from work, which in a way could be considered a bit of a threesome experience, but not exactly the Eiffel Tower situation I lust for. You can read about the whole experience in my blog Sex | Turning Fantasy Into Reality, but to hit the highlights:
As my friend came into the little hallway of the hotel room, he gave me the once over, and one of those looks that said he approved. I could tell he was as nervous, so I kissed him in an effort to try to calm him down a little.
From there, I brought him into the main room to meet my husband, and enjoy a little small talk. While all of us were chatting, I was gently touching him, kissing him … encouraging him to do the same to me. It felt incredible to have his hands on me … even more so with the fact that my husband was just a few feet away, and approving of the whole experience. To have that kind of freedom in my mind to know this was really happening just added to my sexual excitement. My husband nestled into his little corner to sit back and enjoy the show, while my Office Guy and I finally got down to business.
We laid down on the bed and made out for a couple minutes while he ran his hands over my body, eventually reaching down between my legs where he could feel how wet, turned on and ready I was for him. He had touched me there once before, during a little heated moment in his office last week – when I showed him I was wearing stockings to work … but that touch was only through my panties. Well, we were at work! This time, my pussy was all his to explore.
He then moved down between my thighs so he was in position to lick me and set to work with his mouth … One of the things that truly sent me over the edge was during this sensational pussy-licking, I glanced over at where my husband was sitting and watching intently. He gave me a little wink and smile … and from there I knew my fantasy was everything I wanted it to be.
In no time, I was clutching at the sheets on the hotel bed, pushing against the headboard with my hands as I lay there on my back. The reality was unbelievable as I reached down between my stockinged legs and clutched at my friend’s head. I think I may have muttered a few words between my moans as I surrendered to my desires. My Office Guy slid his long finger deep into me, stroking my g-spot as he continued with his amazingly talented tongue and proceeded to bring me to an incredible orgasm.
In my own mind, the number of sexual partners doesn’t always equate to being a great lover. What matters is how you take each experience in stride and make that moment the best you have ever had. And keep the adventure going!
I brought this one up the other day with a couple of the women I work with, after hearing one of the local radio stations discussing the idea on their morning program. They had done a poll of female listeners for their thoughts on “cat calls” and I was curious as to what others had to say about it.
However, I am also a big believer in sharing a respectful compliment when the occasion occurs. As a woman who tends to think a bit more openly about her sexual desire and attractiveness, it’s important to me to know that I can turn some heads when I’m trying to do just that.
There was this one question I remember being asked by a married male friend some time ago. He is one of those guys that has the typical male “split personality.” You know, he likes to be seen as a manly-man in a large group of people, but when is one-on-one reveals a lot more of his personal vulnerability.
His point during our conversation was trying to gain some insight into how he could be more romantic.
I found his talk with me rather amusing, because when he and I are together the sexual innuendo and flirtation level is rather high – even when we are among our coworkers.
I asked him, “Do you flirt with your wife like you do with me?” He stared at me like I had just asked him to remove his liver and hand it to me. Without him even saying a word, I knew he already had a huge challenge in front of him.
But romance isn’t always about epic efforts like Hollywood would like us to believe. Mostly it is about the small acts of saying to your partner “You matter” on a consistent basis. And being seen as being more romantic is not an impossible feat. It just requires you to let go of all the preconceived notions you have around what being “a man” is, and what being a guy who gets laid an awful lot does.
There are a lot of cliché ways to be romantic: flowers, chocolates, poetry. And if that is where you need to go to get things rolling once again, then at least put some creative thought to it. I’d suggest staying away from the penis-shaped chocolate though.
DITCH THE ‘MAN CARD’
First and foremost, you must be willing to ditch that ridiculous concept men seem to have about “the man card.” And here’s why – because we know there is no such thing and it’s just a bullshit aura of bravado to help you avoid being teased by the equally unlaid male friends hanging around your garage/mancave.
Gasoline and grease might be the kind of cologne that keeps your beer-swilling buddies coming around, but all that banter they bring with them about “the little woman” or “the wife” … or the not-even-getting-laid-on-your-birthday “the ball and chain,” won’t spread her thighs even with the help of an air-compressor. Machismo is better left to professional wrestlers and movie actors in bad action flicks.
If that is a true representation of who you are, then you might need to take a break from overhauling the old Ford before she kick starts the relationship dodge.
Your second challenge in being more romantic involves stepping way outside of your comfort zone and into the darkness of “retail.” It’s not about buying her gifts, chocolates and lingerie … it’s about being smart, unpredictable and spontaneous. Sixty-one per cent of women wish their partner was more spontaneous – and that costs you nothing.
It’s not about holding her purse while she’s in the change room; it’s about making sure she has taken the right things into the change room with her. She not only wants your approval, she also wants that look of lust to return to your eyes – without the rude grunting. If you want her hemline to be a bit less Victorian and a lot more Victoria’s Secret, you’ll need to sink yourself into some retail research that doesn’t involve cheesy animal print lingerie.
And don’t forget, you need to give her a reason to dress up … and mattress dancing isn’t it.
I know it sounds daunting, and for some of you, probably grotesque … especially if you can’t let go of the “man card” just yet. Here’s a hint that should be easy wrap your horny little brain around: find the courage to ask that hot little number at work where she got that outfit you like. All you need to say is: “I like your outfit today, where did you get that?” or “My wife has been looking for a new outfit for the office, any advice on where I could take her?” Two things here – a nice professional compliment (given today’s HR policies) will make the woman feel good, plus it helps establish your reputation among the women at work as someone who notices their efforts to look good. Just keep it professional, hot shot.
USE DAD’S ADVICE
The third factor should be a no-brainer – remember the good advice that your father gave you. This isn’t the part about how to wire a trailer hitch or bump-start a stalled dirt bike. This is the part about being considerate, using your manners and treating every woman with respect. When you do that, you’ll quickly find your street-cred as a nice guy increased dramatically. Still think nice guys finish last? Nice guys don’t finish the race because they’re at home getting laid while all the “bad boys” have their wallets drained by some “dumb blonde” who hasn’t had to buy herself a drink in 12 years. She may act ditzy, but she knows the economics of the brass rail quite well.
Open doors, be polite, think about someone else first and compliment without coming across as creepy – yes, it takes practice. There isn’t enough genuine kindness in the world today and there is always room for another gentleman, regardless of the radical feminists would have you believe. We’re all a bunch of self-absorbed, self-centred, thoughtless gits when you get right down to it. We’ve forgotten how to relate to each because we spend most of our day staring at the thumbprint-smudged screen of our not-so-smartphone. Be different and show you have a human side.
My fourth tidbit is tied directly to the third in that you need to be doing the little things on a regular, but still slightly unpredictable, basis. Small surprises and gestures of thoughtfulness go a long way in earning you some serious romance cache, which can always be cashed in for a tumble on a Tuesday night.
Here are the expectations in most marriages: anniversary / birthday / Christmas / Valentines. You already know that. Whether you are meeting those expectations or not has already set the bar for your romantic value. Take them for what you will, but these are suggestions that have worked on me and nothing more:
- Thinking of you because it is Tuesday note
- Turning on my iPod to find new songs I mentioned I liked already uploaded
- A funny note on my steering wheel that made me laugh all the way to work
- A naughty note tucked inside my panties I had set out to wear the following day
- An incredibly romantic handwritten card on my pillow … just because
- Sticky notes on the bathroom mirror to tell me what he sees when he looks at me is sexy
- My favourite treat tucked inside my lunch bag
- A regular habit of flirting with me via texts and sexts
- Taking me shopping to buy me clothes he wants to see me in
- Kissing the back of my hand – damn right it’s cliché, but I will tell you this, he did on our first date and I have never forgotten. But not the old 16th Century bowing before a lady kind of kissing; just a simple unexpected kiss – and it was before we had locked lips for the first time.
You’ll notice more than half of these cost virtually nothing other than the time and thought my husband put into them. Romance comes from the imagination, not from the wallet. Any woman that tells you otherwise is best avoided, because she’s only digging for gold.
What does not qualify as romantic gestures in a traditional marriage are things such as:
- Taking out the garbage without being asked
- Putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher
- Remembering to put the toilet seat down
- Grabbing my ass in public and suggesting it qualified as PDA
- Saying “Happy Birthday / Anniversary / Mother’s Day / Valentine’s Day” etc. on Facebook instead of getting me an actual, hand-signed card
- Giving me pet names that are associated with sports, cars or sex acts
LEARN TO FLIRT
My last piece of advice seems to me to be the most simple, but as I have learned from my male coworkers, is actually the hardest task: flirt with your wife.
You see, to me, it makes sense that you would want to have the kind of relationship with your partner where the sexual innuendo and flirtation can actually lead directly to the bedroom. But so many men struggle with maintaining this once they settle into a long-term commitment and I don’t know why. You have no problem flirting with the waitress at the strip club, but the woman you can actually land between the sheets causes your anxiety level to peak at Himalayan heights.
Your wife wants to feel like she isn’t just someone who shares your house and last name, she wants to feel like a woman that still is flirt-worthy after doing your laundry, feeding your offspring and living up to all the other expectations that society wants to put on a modern woman. She wants to be desired in an honest and expectation-free way. She knows what flirting is – she probably does it shamelessly at work because the men there actually find her to be fun and witty.
Just don’t use the innuendo to get her into bed, learn to use it to get her in the mindset that going to bed is actually her idea.
Do you have to be original all the time? Hell no … You only need to prove that you are thinking about us and showing a level of decency and kindness. And remember, romance isn’t a one-time thing. Romance is a consistent state of mind.
Learning to be more romantic isn’t difficult. The challenging part is learning how to allow those qualities within you come out and allow yourself to let go of those preconceived notions of what it means to be “a man.” (Cue the Tim Allen trademark grunting.)
As much as I might like to consider myself in the midst of a sexual adventure, sometimes it can be a very delicate balance between desire and disaster. But, regardless of what you might consider an “adventure,” we have all found ourselves in those situations where feelings can be complicated and our sexual connections just not … connecting.
Some interesting questions for this week’s TMI Tuesday.
Answer yes or no:
- I regret my first kiss
- I miss my first love
- I married my first love
- I loved someone that didn’t love me
Hmm … don’t know if I would say any of these are extremely accurate, with the exception of marriage. I believe I have married my true love, but I also believe that we are capable of loving on many different levels.
My first kiss was pretty much what every young teen girl goes through, with a boy who just happened to be the boy of the moment. I’ve kissed quite a few since then, and a few girls along the way too!
I certainly don’t miss my first “love” … but wish I knew better at the time and would have been a bit more cautious about giving my heart away.
Do you consider yourself monogamous or polyamorous or some other category which you will explain or define for us now?
Mostly monogamous. We have dabbled in the swinger’s lifestyle and managed to explore sexually with other people – but we have never taken it beyond some hot, steamy moments and oral sex. Are these the opening doors of things still to come? I can’t say because, although my interest in continuing to explore is extremely high, it can be complicated when you are a finicky as me. However, we definitely don’t qualify for the polyamory category and can’t admit that we are active swingers. I suppose the category that would define us best is “sexual adventurers.” We love to explore, we love to test the limits, but at the same time we are wimpy and love the sense of security of being married and mostly monogamous.
Your partner is in the mood for sex and you are tired – what do you do?
a) Start snoring. There is no way I’m giving it up tonight.
b) Trade. You give me a massage…and we will see…
c) That would never happen!
The only answer that really fits is c). But the truth is I am more for negotiations for a rain cheque. I might be tired tonight, but how about we set the alarm for a few minutes earlier in the morning?
Does your partner mind if you masturbate, in bed, while they are there?
I would say, about 50% of the time when I masturbate my husband is right there, watching and sometimes helping. I’m one of those women, as I have said a number of times, that needs a little help achieving orgasm. So, with that reality, our sex life tends to involve a fair bit of manual manipulation.
On the other side, I would love it if he would include me in more of watching him do the same, but that seems to be something he keeps to himself a great deal.
Describe your typical sexual romp:
a) You are playful and tame
b) You have occasionally introduced a few things like outfits and toys
c) You love trying new things and shocking your partner
A bit of b) and a healthy dose of c). We’re beyond the “occasional” part of sex toys and naughty outfits – mostly due to the little naughty hobby we have on the side and the fact that I have a substantial collection of battery-operated marital aids, but I don’t think that our sex romps are always about trying new things. Having said that, I always love new things when sex is involved!
BONUS: What was your best ever masturbation experience? Why was it the best? Describe.
Wow, that is is tough one to answer. There’s been some crazy moments for me, but I think one that stands out as one of the best is the first time that I masturbated on webcam. Masturbation tends to be a hugely private thing for me, but in the early days of my sexual adventure I was discovering a lot about the Internet and the kinkiness it can add to your evenings.
It was something that I found very exhilarating and liberating – as I had never done anything like that in front of anyone but my husband. I remember spending most of the evening teasing and tormenting with the guy I was chatting with, and watching him reveal himself to me. I was getting hornier as the night went on, and as my husband was working, it felt even naughtier.
Every now and then, when these kind of questions come up, I get the strangest thoughts in my head. I’m sure the intention behind this one is to detail some swinging-from-the-chandelier rendezvous, but despite the collection of explicit fantasies in the recesses of my mind, one answer immediately emerged.
What’s the one fun thing you would like to do sexually that you haven’t done yet?
As simple as it may sound, the one thing that sits in my mind as something that would be an absolute blast, and maybe not too out there when it comes to sex, is playing strip poker. I’m not much of a card player, but it’s one of those things that I know a lot of people have done in their life and I think it would be something a little wild and crazy. Plus, it generally involves a healthy bit of exhibitionism and voyeurism … and if you play it right, sexy naked men.
And for me, it would have to be a co-ed game, because that would be a great way to see where else some of the bets could go … maybe an intriguing post-strip game of spin the bottle or truth or dare, all adult versions of course.
Naturally, I would wear lots of layers to the game … or if I was feeling lucky, maybe I’d show up commando!