Category Archives: Desire
A burning question that’s been in my inbox for … about five years (I started out on my blog with a lot of really good intentions!): How do I get my shy husband to try something a little wilder with me?
I guess that might depend on your version of “wild.”
I don’t think it’s any secret that a common theme runs through all the stuff I post on here – when you want to do anything, change anything, try anything, stop anything in a sexual relationship, you need to communicate. The only way to keep a relationship healthy is by talking to each other and keeping an open mind – even if it means you’re closing the door on a specific experience.
It’s never easy trying to coax anyone into leaving their comfort zone. My husband has invested 26 years in slowly (and occasionally, quickly) helping me expand and explore my own limits. We’ve tried things I would have never imagined, and some that I never imagined would leave my imagination.
Getting me into this adventure started with a lot of small steps, all of which were great ways to gradually spice up our marriage. We didn’t take a huge leap right into many of the experiences we’ve had, but played them out in our mutual fantasies, often as post-sex conversation … sometimes mid-sex conversation. He was very encouraging for me to open up about my thoughts, and gradually let him in on some of the fantasies I never dreamed I could ever share.
He did a lot of simple things to set that stage – created fun little question and answer games, romantic dinners with a twist. For example, on one birthday, he created a sort of scavenger hunt for me: When I got to my car at work there was a set of envelopes on my seat, numbered. I had to follow each one, in order, before the final destination. He thought of everything to make it easy, a little challenging, but fun as hell. Starting at a lingerie shop for underwear, right through to an outfit and shoes; by the time I met him, I was completely made-up, dressed up and ready for a date.
At Christmas, he put together a “naughty list” stocking for me – which I would open on Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed. It was filled with fun adult gifts and naughty toys, all designed to add a little more sexual excitement to the end of a very stressful month (December is always a toughie).
Along the journey to helping me discover a new sexual side, he encouraged me to let go of the hang-ups I had. I can’t tell you how terrifying it was at first to admit to him about the flirtatious experiences I was enjoying online and at work. There were bumps along the way, more conversations, a bit of back and forth … and it was work. It took effort to not crawl back into my shell and plod along in life never testing the waters again.
Without question, it had to be a challenge for him too. It takes a certain kind of man to shed his own insecurities and let trust take over. I know he struggled at times as well … but he always told me how much more rewarding it was to see his wife developing into an exciting, confident and sexually-engaged woman than it was to remain in a relationship of mundane suburban cohabitation (his words).
My husband gradually introduced ‘new’ things to our relationship as my own comfort level and interest emerged from the depths of my mind. A touch stereotypical, it included lingerie for the bedroom, stiletto heels that would never been seen on me in public, sex toys. We played with the video camera and (pre-digital) the Polaroid camera. All that helped me see, in his eyes, how sexy he thought I was.
It’s amazing how much your sexual confidence grows when you see and hear constant reinforcement from someone you love dearly. Knowing I could be open and vulnerable allowed me to find more of that sexual confidence and my desire to blossom. Once the seal was broken, I wanted even more.
For me, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing from that point on, but more about no longer being afraid to try. I didn’t feel there would be some sort of humiliation or retribution. I had a sense of confidence and freedom to not only participate in some of his ideas for us as a couple, but introduce him to mine. What began as his efforts to get me to be more adventurous turned into a journey we shared.
I don’t think it’s any secret that my blog has suffered a healthy dose of neglect lately. It’s not that I’ve given up on it – but more that I’m at a loss.
When I first started blogging several years ago, I was at a different point in my life. I was feeling very sexually charged and ready for a world of adventure. I was discovering so many new things about myself and my sexuality – not to mention enjoying this incredible sense of freedom to explore.
But then something crazy happened … life; real life away from the Internet, away from the sexual adventure my husband and I were pursuing, away from the freedom and opportunity to experiment openly … away from the fascination of fantasy.
It wasn’t an intentional left turn. It just happened.
These days I find myself struggling with a sense of who I am as a sexual being. Sometimes I feel “too old” to be doing this or that – and other times, the guilt I repressed for so many years bubbles to the surface a little bit and I think “I need to be more mature and respectable.” Most times, I just can’t find the time to slip back into that part of my personality.
Way back when I started my blog, the idea was for me to invite you into my adventure. You, my dear readers, were my outlet for things that I obsessed over that I couldn’t share in real life. Oh, the experiences have been very real – but you know what I mean when I say I can’t show up for work on Monday and tell my coworkers that I spent Saturday night with some guy who wasn’t my husband nestled between my thighs, munching on my pussy. We’d like to fantasize that the world accepts that – but we all know it doesn’t work that way.
Over time, my blog also became a way for me to share my inner thoughts, offer a little sexual or relationship advice and dispense the occasional bit of what I call “secret girl knowledge.” That part of it has been very important to me. I always wanted this to be more of a conversation than just something for you to read.
But now, so much of my imagination has become about balancing the household budget when the reality of expenses hit, paying the bills and taxes; and how we’re going to financially guide our oldest child through his university experience. Monstrous realities that strip you of that sexual desire even at the best of times.
And, of course, that leaves me wondering about whether or not you would find those truths all that engaging; especially when you’ve come to know the Andee part of me – the sexual woman who enjoys the flirtations and teasing.
I guess, in a way, I’m fishing here … wondering what you, as a reader, think. What is it that draws/drew you to my blog – and what should/could I do to restore some regularity to it?
My curiosity hasn’t stopped; I think it’s only shifted to a new direction. Now I need to see where that takes me.
There’s always that nagging little voice in the back of a lot of people’s heads that says “you probably shouldn’t…”
I first wrote about this very idea some five years ago … and at a time when it seems my imagination was much more on fire. Ah, how time and life conspire against us to quell the naughtiness. That and a house full of inquisitive teenage boys.
Actually, I don’t think that my opinion on sharing fantasies has changed – and I’m not even sure my own fantasies have changed…much. Maybe some have become tainted with a bit too much reality, but that isn’t to say I’ve given up on them.
More of what I think these days is around the opportunity to share those thoughts and ideas. For me, it’s easy to be more open minded and sexually astute when my libido is high. But when life turns and you struggle to even find brief moments of intimacy in a spinning schedule, it can be a challenge to “feel” the fantasy, never mind talk about it. When your days are murky with work stresses and the routine of raising a family, etc., it’s hard to get in the creative mood.
I think that’s also why things slowed down with this blog…it’s hard to keep the focus on those sexually intriguing aspects of life when your mind is bogged down with the mundane.
So, in a way, it becomes even more important to make the most of the opportunities when they do arise – and keeping the commitment to “life-long, marriage-strong” communication.
Communication is what will keep things on track for when those doors open again. And, by understanding what continues to inspire each others’ imagination is key to keeping the marriage alive during these busy, mind-numbing real-life slumps.
The caution, of course, is in how those fantasies may be interpreted. If life is so busy you can’t connect as a couple, will the other person see you sexual distractions as a sign of infidelity/boredom/need to break away? How do you achieve that balance? That’s a really good question – and I’d love to hear your ideas.
Of course, I’m not the most perfect example of following my own advice. I think if you asked my husband today about my sexual fantasies he would, at least, be able to give Version 1.0. The updates, maybe not so much at the moment.
Consider this for a moment, you’re on the brink of your sexual peak and there’s an incredible world of orgasmic opportunity awaiting you; what’s the best advice you’ve received?
It’s an interesting question, because most of us may not truly recognize that the best advice is the best advice. Our friends tell us to “experiment” … which isn’t a bad thing. Our mothers tell us to “wait until you’re married” … which may not be a bad thing for some people. If you’re Catholic, the church tells us “you’ll go to hell” … which some of us (OK, maybe just me) already have reserved seating anyway.
The reality is, for as many of us participating in a healthy sexual lifestyle, there are just as many tidbits of good advice to be heeded.
The whole idea of best sex advice came about during a radio program I was recently listening to, where the hosts invited people to call in and share (within broadcastable reason) the things they had been told. Pretty much all of the above was covered, along with a few other funny ones – but I didn’t hear the one thing that I wished someone would have told me way back when:
Don’t be surprised if your sexual tastes change.
It’s really a simple idea, when you get right down to it. Much like our appetite for food, drink and music (among many other things) our sexual interests are going to evolve as we get older and gain more experience. But very few people seem to be open about the idea of “what you like now may not be what you like later.”
As girls, we certainly hear the “it gets better” about traditional intercourse; mostly because the experience of losing our virginity is: a) somewhat painful/uncomfortable and b) often very, very bad sex with a teenage boy way too anxious to notch his bedpost and tell his friends.
For me, as I have mentioned in my blog before, I spent the first decade of my sexual maturity (I’m pegging 16 as the start date for that, just sayin’) repressing certain desires/interests/thoughts. As a young adult, even moving into my early 20s, I would have never admitted that I was curious about women. And the same goes for exploring outside the bounds of conventional monogamy.
The surprise for me was the meeting and marriage to a man who would stand behind me to allow all of that to come out freely. I have also said before that had it not been for meeting my husband, there is a whole world of sexual exploration that would have never happened.
And no one tells you that is the way it’s supposed to be. No one seems to tell you that you are allowed to have desires/interests/thoughts of your own – and there is nothing wrong with them. Too many people seem to fall into the trap of “this is the way it is, and the way it’s supposed to be.” Thankfully I escaped that fate.
Because of the openness and support, I have been allowed to discover what I like and I what I don’t. My sexual tastes have been allowed to evolve as they should – and pave the path to many more yet to come. At 40, my sexual tastes are far more wonderful than they were at 20.
So, don’t be surprised if your sexual tastes change – and don’t let someone else prevent them from doing so.
Late last week, one of my Twitter followers responded to a tweet I made about submission fantasies, asking how she might get her husband to be a little more ‘dominant’ in helping her heat up things in their relationship.
Full disclosure here: I have submission fantasies, but certainly not to the level of what we see in the tidal wave of over-hype around 50 Shades. The idea of being tied up, maybe blindfolded – to me, that’s erotic and exciting. But I’ve never been into spanking, slapping, riding crops, pancake spatulas, verbal degradation, etc. Nor have I really gotten into the whole “role play” idea of BDSM. You’re not my “master” … I’m not your “slave” … and no, I won’t call you “sir.” I can’t judge those who do enjoy it and find pleasure in their kink – just as much as I ask those of you who do indulge to that degree not to judge me for not finding it personally appealing. Each to their own; that’s the wonderful thing about sexual adventures, they are unique.
So with that said; to my Twitter peep’s issue.
I believe there are a lot of men who equally find the idea of domination/submission to be an awkward experience. Oh, I’m sure there’s a ton of bravado out there, but when it comes to testing those boundaries with the woman who dominates your heart and soul, it might be a challenge to step outside the respectful boundaries of a relationship. It’s not easy to go from the adoration you demonstrate outside of the bedroom to calling her a “slut” when she’s strapped to the mattress. There’s a different level of psychology involved in some sexual experiences; and for people who haven’t had a great deal of experience at pushing their own boundaries, it can be very difficult to try something new.
As adults, I think we fear our fear more than we fear the experience. We’re afraid to be judged, to be laughed at – to be vulnerable in moments of intimacy. And being vulnerable in BDSM moments isn’t just for the person in the role of the “submissive.” It takes a lot to be able to leave some things in the bedroom.
In my mind, for couples who are dabbling with light BDSM (being tied up, blindfolded), the power isn’t necessarily in the hands of the person doing the tying up. I think the woman (for our argument’s sake today) actually controls more of the situation than the man with her willingness to go to levels her own sexual comfort will take her.
If your partner is struggling to overcome his decency and respectfulness, then my advice is to guide him (I guess also, her) by using your own control to create your desired outcome. Instruct him on how you want to be tied up, tell him what it is that makes you feel excited and turned on and guide him through the scene. I think if a man is having difficulty treating the woman he loves in such a fashion, it’s because he is struggling to see her in a perceived situation of “surrendering” to him. When, in fact, if you’re the one taking the lead in setting the scene, you’re the director. Just because you’re tied to the bedposts doesn’t mean the other person is in charge.
Specifically to the person who reached out – start small; have him try tying just your hands above your head with one of his neckties, some moments like that.
And to all my readers – whether it’s a little BDSM, or photography, or sex in the back seat at the drive-in movie: every sexual moment requires amazing communication between you and your partner for it to be a great part of your adventure together.