Category Archives: Desire
Something I am trying to rediscover in this new stage of my adventure is my spirit of sexuality. It’s not so much about rediscovering sex as an act of intimacy; that was always there in my marriage. But it’s more about getting back in touch with the women inside me who was full of sexual discovery and imagination.
I’ve heard a lot about how, as a woman ages, her libido changes – and not always for the better. I think I must be one of the biological lucky ones because I never lost my physical desire for sex. What I really lost was my real ability to engage with that part of me. As you reach this certain age of midlife, the demands on you become even more intense – work, family, more work, offline responsibilities, bills, mortgages, growing kids. All of a sudden you find a preference for a sexual routine than an erotic adventure. Your sexy lingerie slowly finds its way to the bottom of your dresser drawer in favour of comfy pants and jammies with a llama print.
Stresses become your obsession as you hit this stage of life – and your questions morph from sexual curiosity to a strange theme of measuring up in life. You ask yourself all those horrible questions of doubt. Some of it, I think, is because our society gauges personal success on the square footage of your home and the emblem on your automobile over the experiential journey. Well, unless you’re hooked on Instagram, then it’s all about your Instafake exotic life and ‘worldly’ travels to Scanton.
Of course, there’s also a new degree of freedom at your feet once you realize those things really don’t matter. You are able to let your mind ‘heal’ from the intense pressure of trying to live up to someone else’s expectations of who you should be.
I’m actually looking forward to this new part of the journey. Being able to embrace the refreshed opportunity to explore my sexuality and see what lay ahead is something not many of us can do.
Some of these upcoming entries here will be just about that – my thoughts, experiences and adventures as I discover ‘Sex in my 40s’.
Back when I was writing a lot more, and publishing some of my erotica for you to read, someone asked if writing sex scenes turned me on.
For me, a lot of the material is based on the sexual fires that burn in my very active imagination. Some of what you read in my stories are very real sexual fantasies of mine; some are fictionalized versions of real experiences, and some are just carefully thought out encounters. For the most part, I try to write erotica that is close to a possible reality. I don’t get too carried away with impossibilities because I want you to imagine that it really is something that is happening.
Sincerity in my writing is important to me … even though the stories are fiction. Because the majority of the stories are built around my online persona, I relate to that character on a very personal level. Because of that, there’s a lot of my desires in them – so, yes, I often get very turned on writing them. In fact, my husband often asks when I might start writing again. I think he enjoys them more than just helping edit and tweaking them so they make sense. Or maybe he just likes it when I’m horny…
When I am writing some of those scenes, it can take several weeks to get the idea to the point I want it to be at. I’ll spend a fair bit of time reviewing, rewriting and self-editing to arrive at how I imagine the scene actually working. I’m one of those people who tries to visualize things before I write it out – so you can imagine what that does to my own libido.
A lot of AA batteries have given their lives for some of those stories!
Writing for me is an outlet; a distraction from the stresses of real life. And with the ebbs and flows in life, I’m not always that inspired to capture those sexual thoughts in a story. These days I have a few ideas in mind, but not as much time on my hands as I used to have.
But, rest assured, when new stories do come about, there’s an awful lot of pent-up sexual frustration, delightful masturbation … and editing … that has gone into them.
A burning question that’s been in my inbox for … about five years (I started out on my blog with a lot of really good intentions!): How do I get my shy husband to try something a little wilder with me?
I guess that might depend on your version of “wild.”
I don’t think it’s any secret that a common theme runs through all the stuff I post on here – when you want to do anything, change anything, try anything, stop anything in a sexual relationship, you need to communicate. The only way to keep a relationship healthy is by talking to each other and keeping an open mind – even if it means you’re closing the door on a specific experience.
It’s never easy trying to coax anyone into leaving their comfort zone. My husband has invested 26 years in slowly (and occasionally, quickly) helping me expand and explore my own limits. We’ve tried things I would have never imagined, and some that I never imagined would leave my imagination.
Getting me into this adventure started with a lot of small steps, all of which were great ways to gradually spice up our marriage. We didn’t take a huge leap right into many of the experiences we’ve had, but played them out in our mutual fantasies, often as post-sex conversation … sometimes mid-sex conversation. He was very encouraging for me to open up about my thoughts, and gradually let him in on some of the fantasies I never dreamed I could ever share.
He did a lot of simple things to set that stage – created fun little question and answer games, romantic dinners with a twist. For example, on one birthday, he created a sort of scavenger hunt for me: When I got to my car at work there was a set of envelopes on my seat, numbered. I had to follow each one, in order, before the final destination. He thought of everything to make it easy, a little challenging, but fun as hell. Starting at a lingerie shop for underwear, right through to an outfit and shoes; by the time I met him, I was completely made-up, dressed up and ready for a date.
At Christmas, he put together a “naughty list” stocking for me – which I would open on Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed. It was filled with fun adult gifts and naughty toys, all designed to add a little more sexual excitement to the end of a very stressful month (December is always a toughie).
Along the journey to helping me discover a new sexual side, he encouraged me to let go of the hang-ups I had. I can’t tell you how terrifying it was at first to admit to him about the flirtatious experiences I was enjoying online and at work. There were bumps along the way, more conversations, a bit of back and forth … and it was work. It took effort to not crawl back into my shell and plod along in life never testing the waters again.
Without question, it had to be a challenge for him too. It takes a certain kind of man to shed his own insecurities and let trust take over. I know he struggled at times as well … but he always told me how much more rewarding it was to see his wife developing into an exciting, confident and sexually-engaged woman than it was to remain in a relationship of mundane suburban cohabitation (his words).
My husband gradually introduced ‘new’ things to our relationship as my own comfort level and interest emerged from the depths of my mind. A touch stereotypical, it included lingerie for the bedroom, stiletto heels that would never been seen on me in public, sex toys. We played with the video camera and (pre-digital) the Polaroid camera. All that helped me see, in his eyes, how sexy he thought I was.
It’s amazing how much your sexual confidence grows when you see and hear constant reinforcement from someone you love dearly. Knowing I could be open and vulnerable allowed me to find more of that sexual confidence and my desire to blossom. Once the seal was broken, I wanted even more.
For me, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing from that point on, but more about no longer being afraid to try. I didn’t feel there would be some sort of humiliation or retribution. I had a sense of confidence and freedom to not only participate in some of his ideas for us as a couple, but introduce him to mine. What began as his efforts to get me to be more adventurous turned into a journey we shared.
I don’t think it’s any secret that my blog has suffered a healthy dose of neglect lately. It’s not that I’ve given up on it – but more that I’m at a loss.
When I first started blogging several years ago, I was at a different point in my life. I was feeling very sexually charged and ready for a world of adventure. I was discovering so many new things about myself and my sexuality – not to mention enjoying this incredible sense of freedom to explore.
But then something crazy happened … life; real life away from the Internet, away from the sexual adventure my husband and I were pursuing, away from the freedom and opportunity to experiment openly … away from the fascination of fantasy.
It wasn’t an intentional left turn. It just happened.
These days I find myself struggling with a sense of who I am as a sexual being. Sometimes I feel “too old” to be doing this or that – and other times, the guilt I repressed for so many years bubbles to the surface a little bit and I think “I need to be more mature and respectable.” Most times, I just can’t find the time to slip back into that part of my personality.
Way back when I started my blog, the idea was for me to invite you into my adventure. You, my dear readers, were my outlet for things that I obsessed over that I couldn’t share in real life. Oh, the experiences have been very real – but you know what I mean when I say I can’t show up for work on Monday and tell my coworkers that I spent Saturday night with some guy who wasn’t my husband nestled between my thighs, munching on my pussy. We’d like to fantasize that the world accepts that – but we all know it doesn’t work that way.
Over time, my blog also became a way for me to share my inner thoughts, offer a little sexual or relationship advice and dispense the occasional bit of what I call “secret girl knowledge.” That part of it has been very important to me. I always wanted this to be more of a conversation than just something for you to read.
But now, so much of my imagination has become about balancing the household budget when the reality of expenses hit, paying the bills and taxes; and how we’re going to financially guide our oldest child through his university experience. Monstrous realities that strip you of that sexual desire even at the best of times.
And, of course, that leaves me wondering about whether or not you would find those truths all that engaging; especially when you’ve come to know the Andee part of me – the sexual woman who enjoys the flirtations and teasing.
I guess, in a way, I’m fishing here … wondering what you, as a reader, think. What is it that draws/drew you to my blog – and what should/could I do to restore some regularity to it?
My curiosity hasn’t stopped; I think it’s only shifted to a new direction. Now I need to see where that takes me.
There’s always that nagging little voice in the back of a lot of people’s heads that says “you probably shouldn’t…”
I first wrote about this very idea some five years ago … and at a time when it seems my imagination was much more on fire. Ah, how time and life conspire against us to quell the naughtiness. That and a house full of inquisitive teenage boys.
Actually, I don’t think that my opinion on sharing fantasies has changed – and I’m not even sure my own fantasies have changed…much. Maybe some have become tainted with a bit too much reality, but that isn’t to say I’ve given up on them.
More of what I think these days is around the opportunity to share those thoughts and ideas. For me, it’s easy to be more open minded and sexually astute when my libido is high. But when life turns and you struggle to even find brief moments of intimacy in a spinning schedule, it can be a challenge to “feel” the fantasy, never mind talk about it. When your days are murky with work stresses and the routine of raising a family, etc., it’s hard to get in the creative mood.
I think that’s also why things slowed down with this blog…it’s hard to keep the focus on those sexually intriguing aspects of life when your mind is bogged down with the mundane.
So, in a way, it becomes even more important to make the most of the opportunities when they do arise – and keeping the commitment to “life-long, marriage-strong” communication.
Communication is what will keep things on track for when those doors open again. And, by understanding what continues to inspire each others’ imagination is key to keeping the marriage alive during these busy, mind-numbing real-life slumps.
The caution, of course, is in how those fantasies may be interpreted. If life is so busy you can’t connect as a couple, will the other person see you sexual distractions as a sign of infidelity/boredom/need to break away? How do you achieve that balance? That’s a really good question – and I’d love to hear your ideas.
Of course, I’m not the most perfect example of following my own advice. I think if you asked my husband today about my sexual fantasies he would, at least, be able to give Version 1.0. The updates, maybe not so much at the moment.