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Let me preface this by saying, I had a really fun time exploring during our seven years in the “lifestyle.”
I also don’t have any issue with people who choose to explore it.
I was reading the other day, and someone had said they wanted to explore the swinging community after having watched a few episodes of the old Playboy TV show “Swingers.”
I wish that “experts” on the swinging lifestyle would be more honest about it.
The biggest challenge I’ve had in my sexual adventure is keeping my expectations grounded.
Fantasies, because they live inside our head, don’t have restrictions beyond our imagination. They can be as wild, twisted, delicious or scandalous as we want – because there are no boundaries to keep them contained. It’s only when we roll them out do we encounter the confines of societal mores.
The challenge, should you want to attempt to turn a fantasy into a reality, is keeping your expectations in check and realizing there may be a few honest obstacles to prevent them from being perfect.
When my husband and I began to explore some of our own, the tough part wasn’t in what we wanted to try – it was working through the fantasy and making sure we had an open mind. For example, if your fantasy is to have a threesome, the reality is that sex among three people is complicated … very complicated. It’s not tidy, it’s not coordinated, rarely does it go according to how you imagined – and you need to constantly ensure all three people are enjoying the moment.
A lot of people struggle with the notion of keeping two people in sync, never mind an extra.
We never truly hit my threesome fantasy. We had a two-and-a-half … it was a lot of fun, but still wasn’t the threesome that played out in my head.
We also had a couple of foursomes, which was very complicated and awkward … although outrageously hot. Those experiences didn’t quite play out the way I had pictured either, but because we had committed to keeping an open mind (and being very expressive about our own limitations), they were thoroughly enjoyable.
I best described it, afterwards to my husband, as this: “let’s be honest, you really won’t know what you’re willing to do, or try, until you have that other guy’s cock in your hand (or mouth … or his mouth between your legs).”
You can talk at length about wanting to experience full partner swap, you can imagine it a dozen different ways … but until you’re actually in the heat of the moment, you can predict how things will really play out.
If you don’t want your fantasies to suck … you’ve got to let them unwind in their own realistic way, and keep an open mind as you go.
If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll likely have noticed a couple ‘cryptic’ tweets over the past couple days about making a big change in my life. And, so, to put an end to the speculation …
I’ve made a bucket list decision to train to enter a fitness competition. Yes, the physique competitions for women, micro-bikini and five-inch heels and all that jazz.
I don’t anticipate this is going to be more than a one-time experience, given how much I actually hate working out. I’m also at a point where I really feel the need to make a significant change in my approach to my health and overall body image.
It’s going to be a journey … but I’m also seeing it as a crucial one.
My husband, who has agreed to join me in this self-torture as support, jokes that most midlife crises involve convertibles, motorcycles or adventure travel, not kettle bells and protein shakes. But I don’t necessarily see this a midlife crisis – especially when I know what the end result will be; being healthier and looking better, feeling good about myself. I already have the motorcycle and a convertible isn’t as practical around these parts as one might like to think.
So, anyway … I’ll likely continue to share my progress (and misery) along the way.
Interesting results from an online poll I discovered while surfing the Internet this morning. The survey, albeit not scientific by any means, was asking husbands to pick how many men they would like to watch their wives have sex with.
Over 43% of those responding said they’d like a decent crowd – 4+ men pleasuring their wives.
In this house, the topic of such an event has been at the root of many wonderful and steamy sexual moments between my husband and I. As a couple, we’ve worked hard to reach a point where – in the heat of the moment – we can share some of our naughtiest thoughts and fantasies. It’s something that helps raise the level of passion, but also allows us those moments of critical vulnerability needed to foster intimacy.
But as a couple, we’ve also invested a great deal of effort, understanding and conversation around those fantasies and desires. And like many couples in long-term relationships, it’s allowed us to know each other better – because, let’s be honest, everyone changes as they mature; and so do your fantasies and willingness for experimentation.
The curious confession I need to make – the scenario of me with other men has always been his idea. For many years, both before marriage and into the early years of it, I never imagined myself in such a situation. It’s not something I ever brought up uninitiated. My sexual fantasies have always focused on a less crowded scenario.
Even when we dipped our toes into the swinging lifestyle for a few years, it wasn’t about me exclusively with others; it was a partnership in sexual discovery. If it was happening to me, it had to be reciprocal for my husband.
There’s a lot of science – honest and junk – that suggests reasons for why men have this notion of their wives engaging in sex with other men. Often the focus is around sperm competition and our ancient instincts for breeding. Lately, with the aggressive nature of politics in the US, there’s been a heightening of attention around the idea of “cuckolding” as a power game.
In my world, with no scientific elements, the notion of me having sex with other men has been a singular factor according to my husband: “I just want to see you in that moment of incredible sexual pleasure.”
I’ve always found it odd that he doesn’t want anything out of it for himself. I challenge him, with “and what’s in it for you?”
“I get to watch you at the height of sexual indulgence,” he says. It still confuses me, but I’ve learned now to just enjoy and appreciate that he wants that for me – especially when I hear from girlfriends about the selfish nature of their spouses.
So, you’re asking, where do I end up on all of this? If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you’ll know “one” has fit into most of where I’ve been at since my sexual adventure began. And while I’m not sure I’m quite the girl for a bukkake Friday night, given the passage of time, the evolution of my sexual experience and growth of my fantasies … I’m absolutely game to let my husband sit in his corner (camera in hand) and let me lose myself at the hands and hardness of two sexy men on a mission to send me into orgasmic nirvana.
Not to mention, I’ve kind of grown to like that idea of being the cross-strut in my own human rendering of the Eiffel Tower.
It’s been a while since I found myself in a position of discovering something new sexually. I think my long break in updating my blog is a pretty accurate clue as to the fact nothing new has been happening on that front.
It’s something I’ve had a number of conversations about over the years – online and in person:
Why sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think …
As sexual beings, we’re driven by our needs for intimacy and intercourse. On a base level, it’s a natural act of procreation … on an emotional level it’s an act of validation and humanity. And while most of us go about our business within the defined societal rules for sexual interaction, there’s always that thought in the back of your mind about pushing the limits. I’m not talking about breaking laws here … or even breaking hearts. But there are those thoughts that drive our desires for discovering something new.
Quite simply, it’s the fear of the unknown.
It doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was a pretty average, monogamous woman content with her marriage and sex life. I came into my relationship with limited sexual experience and no designs on taking it to any outrageous heights. I was a little naïve and I was happy just getting laid.
I’ve said before that if it wasn’t for my husband, I probably would have never tried anything close to what I have in life – and you certainly wouldn’t even be reading about it. I would still be that girl being happy she was getting laid.
Thankfully, and lovingly, he has pushed me to try new things and new experiences. He showed me that there really is an awful lot more in life than just being happy getting laid.
When I first began to embrace the idea of adding a new degree of spark to my marriage, I absolutely had an enormous amount of fear. I was afraid that we may “go too far” and “what if we do something that affects our relationship”. Jealousy, infidelity … talent and ability; all of that crossed my mind in the many conversations we had in the beginning. I really struggled with the idea that we may cross a line that we couldn’t erase.
But I was hooked on the idea. I was hooked on the idea that I could be happy being the girl who was more than just getting laid.
And after finding the momentary bravery – often fuelled by a hint of liquid courage – I immersed myself in those experiences without trying to think ahead. And what I soon discovered was that the fear of even beginning was way bigger than any of the “fallout” after the fact.
In fact, I soon figured out that one of the easiest ways to overcome the doubt was the orgasmic release that resulted from the encounters. The bigger challenge wasn’t living in the moment and enjoying the sexually-charged atmosphere – it was trying to not over-think the experience.
By the time you get to the point where intimacy is going to be a reality, you’ve already made up your mind that there’s enough curiosity, desire and chemistry for something to happen.
As people, I think once we venture into a moment of sensuality, the feelings of intimacy begin to take over. That soft kiss on the thigh begins to draw out a stronger sense of desire, which in turn, takes your mind away from your doubts. By the time you feel the hot breath of a new partner on your body, and tongues and fingers in places only your husband has been … you’ve begun to discover there’s not a lot to be feared.
To discover that you like sex just for the sake of having sex is liberating; to discover you like the taste of another woman and the softness of her kisses erases a lifetime of sexual repression. Of course, it doesn’t mean your love and ability to maintain intimacy with your partner has been replaced. It means you’ve figured out a way to overcome doubt and the human emotions of fear and jealousy. It means you defeated someone else’s standards for how you should experience pleasure.
That’s probably why the realization of sexual discoveries isn’t as big a deal as you think it is. Sex is good, sometimes really, really good … but it’s still sex. Fear and doubt, though, those are much more difficult to embrace. Letting go of feeling like you need to live according to how society dictates you should, that’s monumental.
Sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think, once you get there.