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I think everyone still has those thoughts in mind that if they could, they would check off a few items on the bucket list, sexual of otherwise. In my case, there may be one or two things like I would still like to experience.
The primary one would be to have a proper threesome experience with my husband and another man. As you know, if you follow my blog, I’ve had a few close calls … and explored sexually with another couple as a foursome. But to have that real threesome would be an experience for me.
The challenge – before all you volunteers line up – isn’t about finding any ol’ partner to join us; the challenge is that I am still very much a romantic at heart. For me to engage in sex with another person, I need to feel some sort of chemistry between us.
I know for some women, it’s not so much of an issue – sex is sex, and let’s just get it done. The older I get, actually the less sexually free in that sense I become. I would like my sexual experiences to have some meaning; a small degree of intimacy and mutual connection. If you’re going to stick it in me, I’d like to know you have a sliver of interest in me as a person, not just as some temporary cock garage.
So going out and just getting a hard dick for the night isn’t where my fantasy takes me.
The other experience would probably be somewhat similar, in that I would like to like to have an equally proper bisexual experience with another woman … only this time, just me and her, no expectations, no horny husbands waiting in the wings to jump in afterwards. No, I would like to have that moment selfishly all to myself …. and maybe an extended encounter; a weekend away where we could spend a couple of days indulging each other in some of the greatest girl on girl sex we could muster.
I love my husband, and my previous bisexual encounters were delightful, but it would be great to not have any masculine expectations, or feel that things must be hurried (or posed) for that male perspective.
There’s a great deal of ‘myth’ built up around the whole idea of swinging. Misleading advertising by ‘hedonist’ resorts, lifestyle clubs and the Internet in general have people believing it’s something it really isn’t.
Forgive me as I write this … I’m a couple glasses of wine in and just a smidgen pissed off at a certain account that appears in my Instagram feed for one of those ‘exclusive couples-only tropical vacations’ resorts.
Now, I certainly do not want to begrudge anyone the opportunity to find their happiness. I can say that during our tenure as participants in the ‘lifestyle’, we met a number of people who were truly happy – and secure – in their relationships with their partner. We met some truly lovely ocean-deep souls – and some truly lovely bodies with puddle-deep souls. We met couples where it was pretty obvious the man in the relationship was commanding the whole experience – and we met couples where the wife had said ‘enough with the boredom of monogamy’ and was in complete control of the adventure.
But at the same time, we also met a number of people (including us) who weren’t ready for it; couples who figured it was something completely different than the reality.
Now, in our own case, it’s not that we weren’t ready for what the lifestyle stands for – the freedom, the sexual exploration and indulgence without guilt. In our relationship, we were very ready to explore a far more hedonistic aspect – the opportunity to indulge in fantasy, the introduction of others into our sexual relationship. What we found most discouraging was how prevalent cliques played a role in the experience.
The expression someone else shared with us was truer than we wanted to accept: “If you think high school was cliquey, try one of the lifestyle clubs…” It was far more difficult to crack those barriers than it was to build up the courage to say “let’s open up our marriage.”
The truth we learned about swinging was this – if you think it’s difficult to find the right chemistry between two people when dating, trying figuring it out between four people; or even three with someone willing to just hold the condoms and camera.
The ‘lifestyle’ is a very complex and complicated experience. It’s nothing remotely like the stereotype, nor is it anything close to what the Internet portrays it to be. Although, I will admit, the Internet has certainly enabled many to explore their fantasies. But our experience with the ‘lifestyle’ was much like the skepticism these days about the reality of ‘Instalives’. Let us see behind the scenes for a taste of reality.
And don’t get me started on the whole marketing approach of these lifestyle venues, either. From tropical resorts to neighbourhood dance clubs, based on their marketing alone you might think that swingers can only be those with zero percent body fat, women no bigger than a size three with perpetually perky 38D breasts and men with … (ahem) … massive (constantly hard) cocks. Nothing could be further from the truth – but it’s so discouraging and intimidating for those with curiosities.
It’s difficult to arrive at a stage in a marriage where you’re comfortable sharing the fantasy of mutually exploring with other people. From a woman’s perspective, there’s a real fear over the idea of allowing another man to be intimate with you. You’re moving out from the ideas in your head to the reality of it – the physical sensation that rises above the naughty notion of ‘I wonder what it would be like?’ It’s frightening – even when you have agreed in principle – when a man who is not your husband enters you sexually.
I imagine, from a husband’s perspective, that is must be incredibly hard to watch (or know) that another man is doing things to your wife you may not have expected when you exchanged marriage vows with her. I know there is the pressing question of comparison – how was he/was he a better lover/was he bigger, harder/etc.
And then there’s the other side of reality almost no one is willing to talk about – what if all that machismo doesn’t hold up when everyone has their pants off?
It’s been almost a year since my last entry on here. So much has changed in my life, especially the fact that my husband and I are now chasing a whole new adventure overseas. It was a very difficult decision to leave everything that was our comfort zone back in Canada – even more so, my children – but we recognize that to live life, you need to go and find it.
I’m hoping the break, the new scenery and the adventure will also help reignite my desire for some sexual exploration. Now firmly planted in the middle of my 40s, I feel the need to find myself again. Not so much the ‘midlife crisis’ thing, but shake off the residual stress from a couple very intense years of working – something that consumed far too much of my soul. I desperately want to rediscover myself – perhaps even reinvent the current version of me.
I don’t mind saying, I’m very anxious to get back to challenging my limits, exploring the depths of my libido – and maybe leaving my darling hubby sweaty and exhausted from trying to keep up with me.
Hopefully I’ll be able to reconnect with my readers here too – I’ve kept a very detailed ‘diary’ of blog ideas, topics and thoughts I want to share.
Let me preface this by saying, I had a really fun time exploring during our seven years in the “lifestyle.”
I also don’t have any issue with people who choose to explore it.
I was reading the other day, and someone had said they wanted to explore the swinging community after having watched a few episodes of the old Playboy TV show “Swingers.”
I wish that “experts” on the swinging lifestyle would be more honest about it.
The biggest challenge I’ve had in my sexual adventure is keeping my expectations grounded.
Fantasies, because they live inside our head, don’t have restrictions beyond our imagination. They can be as wild, twisted, delicious or scandalous as we want – because there are no boundaries to keep them contained. It’s only when we roll them out do we encounter the confines of societal mores.
The challenge, should you want to attempt to turn a fantasy into a reality, is keeping your expectations in check and realizing there may be a few honest obstacles to prevent them from being perfect.
When my husband and I began to explore some of our own, the tough part wasn’t in what we wanted to try – it was working through the fantasy and making sure we had an open mind. For example, if your fantasy is to have a threesome, the reality is that sex among three people is complicated … very complicated. It’s not tidy, it’s not coordinated, rarely does it go according to how you imagined – and you need to constantly ensure all three people are enjoying the moment.
A lot of people struggle with the notion of keeping two people in sync, never mind an extra.
We never truly hit my threesome fantasy. We had a two-and-a-half … it was a lot of fun, but still wasn’t the threesome that played out in my head.
We also had a couple of foursomes, which was very complicated and awkward … although outrageously hot. Those experiences didn’t quite play out the way I had pictured either, but because we had committed to keeping an open mind (and being very expressive about our own limitations), they were thoroughly enjoyable.
I best described it, afterwards to my husband, as this: “let’s be honest, you really won’t know what you’re willing to do, or try, until you have that other guy’s cock in your hand (or mouth … or his mouth between your legs).”
You can talk at length about wanting to experience full partner swap, you can imagine it a dozen different ways … but until you’re actually in the heat of the moment, you can predict how things will really play out.
If you don’t want your fantasies to suck … you’ve got to let them unwind in their own realistic way, and keep an open mind as you go.