Category Archives: Foreplay
Like most anyone who’s been in a relationship for a long time, there are highlights of some sexual antics that outshine the routine that most of us settle into. I think every now and then, it’s important to revisit those moments where it was all about the quality of the sex and raw energy that came with it.
So, for this week’s TMI Tuesday, we’re back onto my favourite subject: sex.
1. Have you ever had sex in three or more positions in one session? Name the positions.
Absolutely. It’s not really that rare for us to mix things up a little bit; and I can’t really say we have a list of “go to” positions. This past weekend, for example, our night between the sheets included: him giving me oral, followed by him entering me missionary, then my legs up on his shoulders, then a little doggy style with me on my hands and knees – “oh god, wait … that feels so incredible, but I want to watch.” – which leads to standing up with him behind me while I prop my hands against the row of mirrors in our bedroom.
So, when the moment is inspired, we kind of let things take us where they do …
2. Have you ever had sex continuously for more than an hour? Was it all intercourse or other methods of sexual pleasure?
Yes, but certainly not a full hour of straight intercourse. Goodness, I’m certain that would result in some serious friction burn (and yes, let’s be realistic here…) With my own husband, when we get into a huge session like this, there’s lots of foreplay, oral, toys, penetration – great times of sharing fantasies and opening up our imaginations. Our last experience with another couple was probably the best for a full hour of continual sexual activity. That encounter involved a whole lot of oral, followed by a little masturbation and finally intercourse (with own partners). But, let’s be honest, with four people in the mix, it’s a lot easier to spread around the fun!
3. Have you planned & devoted an entire day to sex/sexual activity?
Way back when we were young and had no money and no kids, this was our usual Sundays. We lived in such a pathetic little town and sad three room apartment when we were first married. It was just a better way to spend the time together and plan for the future.
4. Have you been so loud having sex that housemates/neighbors commented or complained?
No. I’m much more of a breath-holder and quiet moaner than someone who screams at the top of her lungs. Always have been that way; a little self-conscious I guess. A big part of that has been from years of: living with male roommates in college who would have never let me live it down, to being married and living in a tiny apartment with paper-thin walls in a remarkably narrow-minded small town, to being a mom with inquisitive little kids (who have grown into teenagers and don’t need to know certain things about their mother).
5. Have you ever had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone?
OK, small moment of vanity … but yes. I’ve been told numerous times (including those not my husband) that I have a very remarkable oral talent. However, it’s also a little bit of a “cheat.” I actually took one of those “How to turn on your man” workshops where the woman teaching the session gave us some incredible take-home tips. (I took it with a friend who works in radio and wanted material for her talk show but didn’t want to go alone) My husband still declares to this day that the cost of the session for me was the best money he has ever spent.
6. Have you ever gotten really turned on by saying or hearing dirty talk?
Yes, but dirty talk is also a very difficult talent to pull off properly. There’s an extremely fine line between creepy/inappropriate and erotic/engaging.
BONUS: What words during sex totally turn you off or distract you from the task at hand?
“I just heard the kids outside the bedroom door.”
Every now and then – usually right in the middle of a steamy sex session – the topic of “infidelity” comes up in conversation in my relationship. On the surface, the timing may seem odd to some, but the reality is my husband and I are able to have very intense conversation that involves extramarital sex. And it’s something we also recognize that we’re fortunate to be open enough to fantasize, share and tease with the idea.
Even though we have managed to put the jealousy and fear away in our marriage, it’s not a topic very many couples (at least ones I know) seem to be willing to navigate with intelligent thought. And that’s to be accepted, frankly. Infidelity is an extremely difficult subject.
If you’re able to strip away the harmful aspect of cheating, there is a sexual element that can be explored. It’s the idea of being desired, the newness of the intimacy, the fear of the risk and the excitement of the unbridled passion. Yes, I know people cheat for many other reasons … I’m stripping it down to the fun part, the basic raw sexual act.
So, what if you want to find the kind of heat my husband and I have been able to find with thoughts, fantasies and erotic conversations about lovers from outside of our vows? Is it possible to enjoy “infidelity” without actually cheating – and without turning to swinging as a solution?
To me, it’s all about the imagination, and the libido-fuelling excitement that can be captured just with the idea. Here’s five ways you can enjoy “infidelity” without actually cheating:
1. Role play – the softer side
I’m not into ‘role play’ like some people – so the softer side of it is where most of my infidelity fantasy falls. I imagine the effort to seduce and attract a man other than my husband would involve looking sexy in those moments between the dress hitting the floor and nudity. Lingerie can help turn you – and your lover – into a whole different person.
2. Role play – hardcore and hot to the core
While I said I’m more of the softcore role play kind of girl, I’m not exactly a virgin to taking it more extreme. And keeping in mind, this is about creating a level of excitement you currently don’t have in your relationship – and as such, I’m not saying you need to invest in an animal costume and writhe about in a fur-pile. But a little imagination around the idea of the seduction can really turn a night steamy: the singles bar pick-up, the naughty office secretary (such as the office supply closet). You get the idea. You don’t need to be an actress or actor – you just need to feel like turning on the desire – and your partner – in a way you may not have done in some time.
3. Real estate – location, location, location
When was the last time you had sex in a really unique location – and I mean ‘really’ unique location. Part of the thrill in cheating comes from the secrecy and the fear of getting caught. There’s some truth behind the “office supply closet” excitement because of the risk involved. Keep it legal, keep it safe – but find a way to regularly have sex anywhere but your bedroom.
4. It’s Monogamy, not Monotony
Routine is a sexual killer; it will deaden a relationship faster than your corn flakes go soft in milk. Having sex because it is Tuesday is a horrible idea. Getting it from behind while sprawled over his motorcycle parked in the garage while the kids are inside watching a movie … don’t let monotony take hold in your idea of monogamy. Put your best sex toy to use (that would be your imagination) and learn to be unpredictable. Especially on Tuesday.
Sure, it’s easy to toss out the “talk to each other” stand, but let’s be honest it’s never easy to tell your partner your sexual mind sometimes drifts outside of your monogamous marriage. But I can only say I believe it would be far easier to share in a non-judgemental way the thoughts and fantasies that go on inside your mind, as opposed to explaining adultery to a divorce lawyer. Talk to each other; keep an open mind when your partner is the one talking.
And for pity sake, turn off the cell phone; well, unless you’re sexting her.
BONUS TIP: Fair disclosure here, I don’t have to cheat. My marriage is somewhat experimental in that if I felt the need for a little extramarital excitement, I would be able to pursue it with my husband. We have dabbled with swinging – and if you’re a loyal reader, you’ll recall my afternoon rendezvous with a friend from work. Now, I can’t advise you that swinging is the best route to go, but if you’re at a place in your relationship where you’ve had the talk, you’ve shared the fantasy, it may be time to dip your toe in the water. I can say, even the prospect of exploring the lifestyle, and attending a few different clubs before we ever experimented with another couple, brought several months of new found excitement to our marriage alone.
Will these tips help create a sense of “infidelity” in your relationship? That part is up to you, because with all of this, you must keep in mind that a big part of the excitement – a real key to the thrill – happens not between your thighs, but between your ears. You have to get your imagination into the game for it to work – after that, the effort to shake things up puts a few more logs on the fire.
By no stretch of the imagination am I an expert in sexual psychology, or even at giving professional relationship advice. But the one thing I believe I have a pretty good grasp on, after almost 15 years of sexual exploration and adventure with my husband, is how important fantasies can be to a marriage. Not only do they help connect you on a physical level, but they also play an important role in helping you understand where your partner’s thoughts are when it comes to what gets them going.
Recently, I “forced” my dear husband to open up about his sexual fantasy involving a certain co-worker of his. They have spent the past couple years building a friendship that includes occasional flirtations, innuendo and personal revelations. For him, this has been a major accomplishment, since most of the past several years have been focused solely on my own sexual fantasies – and the pursuit of them.
To hear him talk about his thoughts was an amazing turn-on for me. As I listened to him describing in detail his naughty thoughts about the woman at work, I began to recognize how much I had missed being the one doing the listening. It was one of the best sexual connections we had in many weeks.
And so, as I spent the next couple days quietly enjoying my newly fired-up imagination and visions of him doing some of the naughty things he described to me during sex, I started to think about how much those moments make our connection even stronger.
5 ways sexual fantasies will enhance your marriage
1. They build an emotional connection.
When you open up about your sexual fantasies, you allow yourself to reveal some of your vulnerability. At the same time, you’re also revealing that you are an emotional, thinking sexual creature with desires beyond the “white bread” reality of another wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am roll in the hay. You’re inviting someone into your creative mind, where your desires live … and the passion that drives you as a sexual person.
Sex has the great ability to be both physical and emotional – and personally I find great sex requires that kind of emotional connection where the mind is engaged as much as the body.
Part of me also thinks this could be the big difference in what makes a marriage successful or not. Many couples I know say they barely talk sex, never mind lighting the match of sexual arousal by revealing even deeper thoughts to each other. I wonder how much they must be missing in their lives with each other; plodding along not knowing what makes the other person tick on a sexual level. To be open to sharing on this level, to shed the fear of judgement and embarrassment is extremely liberating.
2. They build a sexual connection.
There are times when couples just don’t seem to be in sync sexually. The multitude of stresses that pull us away from the important things in our life quickly manifest themselves in the bedroom. Sexual fantasies, and the ability to feed your imagination, help overcome those times when you struggle to find the energy and motivation to get busy. By knowing that each of you have certain sexual fantasies, you can draw on those thoughts as a way to enhance and increase arousal.
Sexual fantasies also help you come to terms (and understanding) of your own sexuality. For the longest time I repressed my bisexual curiosities, until I confessed to my husband I had a certain sexual fantasy. That opened the flood gates for me to explore and discover so much about myself – something I probably would have never done, had I not found the courage to open up about it.
3. They serve as insight into your partner’s sexual desires.
My husband will occasionally let me into his private realm of sexual thoughts – when, as mentioned above, he is almost forced into confessing. Not that he is hiding anything from me, but mostly, I’m a very spoiled woman who has been lucky to be married to a man who delights in feeding my sexual fantasies. But that leaves me not always knowing what gets his engine going in those moments when he’s lost in his own head; or sees that woman at work.
Because men and women are very different beasts, knowing what and how your partner’s libido gets fired up helps tremendously in building a strong, healthy relationship.
Hopefully the insight doesn’t lead to anything frightening.
4. They open the door to even better communication.
Hey, let’s be honest – if you can express some of your deepest, most sexually-driven thoughts to your partner, then you can have those easy conversations that seem to bog down a relationship. Sex remains one of our culture’s biggest taboo subjects. Actually talking about it already places you ahead of so many others.
By opening yourself up, and discovering that your fears about being judged and rejected for your sexual thoughts are unfounded, trust and confidence can be built up in the relationship – making it an even stronger union, ready to face the challenges that await a marriage outside of the bedroom. And trust me; most of those are way tougher than talking about stockings, lace and wild threesomes.
5. They bring refreshing heat to the bedroom.
Some people might call it spice, others say creativity … it doesn’t matter how you look at it, sexual fantasies can heighten some of those intimate moments and draw the mind into the act, along with the body. They give you an outlet for that pent up frustration, create a mental playground for raunchy intimacy and, frankly, make us all that much more interesting as individuals and couples.
Sadly, the Internet is rife with more advice on how damaging fantasies can be to a relationship versus offering insight on how to build a more intimate connection with your spouse through understanding what gets them going. Hopefully you can find the way to shun the naysayers and discover your sexual self and your collective kink. When you do, your relationship becomes an amazing adventure unto itself.
Hey there! I know not everyone could join in last Friday for my first-ever Twitter chat, so I have archived the questions for those who wanted to catch up with what people asked me, and some of the answers I gave. I think I’ll definitely do this again, probably in the fall, so that should give you lots of time to come up with some intriguing questions to throw my way.
To help add a bit of context to some of my answers – especially since Twitter only lets you use 140 characters, I’ve included some links to previous thoughts and ideas on some of the topics that came up. Hope you enjoy!
Something that never fails to turn me on? Kissing. A hot, lots of tongue, passionate kiss always hits me between the thighs
Do you have a favorite part of foreplay?
Foreplay favourite? Toughie…either the build up with oral #sex, or when a man uses his long, probing fingers in/on me
Foreplay and engaging the mind is a huge key in great sex…the imagination is your greatest sex toy @StayGoldJersey
What’s your favorite position?
Favourite position? Hands down, I am a doggystyle sex girl. Love, love, love getting it from behind and bent over.
Have you ever dated someone famous?
Famous boyfriends? Not really, although hubby’s former job was very public and he was/is somewhat well-known
If you divorced, would you consider marriage again?
Re-marry? Don’t think I would…but I’d definitely be enjoying singlehood and exploring the idea of friends with benefits
Is there anything you’d change about your looks with plastic surgery if you could afford it?
Plastic surgery? Only thing I’d consider would be having the girls done…not bigger, but put back to the way they used to be
@AndeeSC2 Please don’t let them mess with your nipples. Biggest mistake by women is to let the surgeon cut into them.
I’m doubtful I would ever have the girls done anyway…better things to invest my money in right now @StayGoldJersey
What is the kinkiest thing you have done with yourself?
Kinky self-fun? Nothing outrageous, but I have an affection for long-neck wine bottles and the vibration of a Dyson vacuum
Do you ever wake up your hubby with oral sex?
Oral sex wake up? I have in the past…not a frequent occasion; I prefer things like waking him up with a BJ to be unique
Like least about porn: the fear and reality of having to tell my children someday when the find out @pleasure_spot
What do you like most about doing amateur porn?
Like most about doing porn: the sexual discovery, the adventure and spice it has brought to my marriage (and the attention) @pleasure_spot
Was it your idea to start doing porn, or hubby’s?
Idea to start porn? My husband first brought up the idea, on a dare…I lost, pics posted, started to like the results/attention @pleasure_spot
@AndeeSC2 I never would have guessed you got into this on a dare. Did you already have exhibitionist tendencies?
@pleasure_spot I’ve always been a bit daring… and comfortable in front of the camera. Things grew from there and I kind of enjoyed it
Does your husband ever get jealous?
Does hubby get jealous? Quite the opposite, he loves showing me off and seeing the attention from my fans @pleasure_spot
Will you and hubby ever try “swinging” again?
Swinging again? He’s game. I’ll never say never, it didn’t work out for us the first time…but I still have many curiosities!
@AndeeSC2 I’ve never partook in the activity but I believe the majority of women would be more into #strange then men.
@StayGoldJersey My experience in swinging has shown me that it tends to be a woman in control atmosphere.
@AndeeSC2 Just like in the street, guys better act right or they’re going home with their hand. #truth
How encouraging is/was your hubby in your website?
Hubby and my site? He’s very much a big partner in the whole crime, and I wouldn’t do it without his support and involvement @pleasure_spot
How often do you and hubby indulge in anal sex
Anal sex? Not very often. Depending on the moment, there is sometimes a bit of play, but not penetration very much. @BIGRICHIE7
How long do you plan on being a Southern Charm?
How much longer a Charm? I have no plans to give up my site yet; enjoying the fun & spice it brings to my marriage. @BIGRICHIE7
Can I name one of my sex toys Big Richie?
Naming my sex toys: I don’t actually have nicknames for any of them other than “Oh, my god that’s huge!” LOL @BIGRICHIE7
Do you enjoy sex outside under the moonlight?
Outdoor sex at night? It’s extremely romantic and I have a few times in the past made love under the moonlight. @BIGRICHIE
Do you enjoy giving massage and tug jobs?
Handjobs isn’t something I’ve been awarded any prizes for…word is I give great oral, so I stick with that talent @StayGoldJersey
Favourite lingerie? Right now, my favourite is in my update 428 – sexy red piece from a friend, great stockings @iankeegan27_ian
What is the most public place you have had sex? Given a blowjob?
Public sex? Hmm…pressed against a hotel window overlooking the Las Vegas strip @StayGoldJersey
It was very erotic for me, knowing that if someone looked up, they would see…Vegas being Vegas 😉 @StayGoldJersey
Public blowjob? Driving on the highway is probably the most public, if you looked into the car. @StayGoldJersey
What position is the easiest for you to achieve an orgasm?
Orgasm position? I’m one of those women that needs help, so missionary with my vibrating toy or an amazing tongue @StayGoldJersey
After your first orgasm, is it easy for you to have multiple orgasms?
Multiple orgasms? Used to be easier before kids…but I’m usually good to get another one or two out with help @StayGoldJersey
Are you a loud, dirty talker during sex?
Loud and dirty? Not really…having kids had calmed the volume…but I enjoy good dirty sexy talk @iankeegan27_ian
How often do you have sex?
How often do I have sex? It varies on what life dishes out. An average would be 7-10 times per month @iankeegan27_ian
Where is your favourite place for a man to cum?
Fav place for cum? Love feeling a man deep inside me, but I also enjoy having him cum in my mouth @iankeegan27_ian
What do you like most about your body?
What do I like most about my body? My eyes always get compliments…my legs…but for porn, whatever draws fans! @iankeegan27_ian
Pantyhose? always found them uncomfy, being short, never fit…hubby introduced me to stockings, which I prefer. @silversurfera1
Never really liked them…being short means they rarely fit properly. Thigh highs and stockings produce better reactions @silversurfera1
Have you had sex with anyone other than your husband since you got married?
Since I have been married, the only thing I have done with anyone else has been #oral #askandee @iankeegan27_ian
Sex with someone else while married? Only women…no guys…but we’re not saying it’s off the table 😉 @StayGoldJersey
I say “not off the table” but the reality is, there has to be chemistry for me. Not looking for just a hookup @StayGoldJersey
Have you ever had sex with a member or fan of your site?
Slept with a fan/member? No, I’m happily married and don’t use my site as a way to hook-up. Some do, just not me. @iankeegan27_ian
Do you ever let your fans take you out?
Dating fans? I tried a “meet me” contest a couple times; didn’t really work out that well…might be geography @iankeegan27_ian
And honestly, I’m not adverse to the idea of meeting fans, but it would have to in the right setting and context @iankeegan27_ian
Guys think that because I have my website that I am easy and looking for sex…which is far from the truth @iankeegan27_ian
@silversurfera1 Some people just have a twisted idea of why some women are OK with doing porn
@AndeeSC2 @iankeegan27_ian I imagine it’s hard for people to understand the “dualism” involved with doing an adult site & your “normal” life
I think you nailed it there… and there is even “dualism” in doing a site, amateur versus professional @silversurfera1
So, setting would be public, chaperoned without question and no guarantee of anything but a friendly conversation @iankeegan27_ian
And there you, the best snippets and questions from my first #askandee Twitter chat. Hope you’ll join me again in the fall for my next one!
Back in 2011, when my blog was located elsewhere on the Internet, I ran a series I called “Sexy Sundays.” It was a summertime collection of some more intimate details of my life; an idea that was voted on by my readers as something they wanted to read more of. When I moved to WordPress, those entries were kind of left in the archives of my hard drive, but I found them and figured they would make for some great updates every now and then. I hope you enjoy them; and as always, feel free to comment or send me some ideas/questions that you would like to see here.
I had this question asked of me a while back, and as I was going through a bunch of things in my e-mails, I discovered it again. The timing is pretty good to get into it, given some of the antics that have gone on in my bedroom the past few days. More of it started when I mentioned in one of my blogs about my online friend Matt, who had sent me some new boots. You may recall I also mentioned that he has sent me some other sexy gifts, including some sexy lingerie and those “darn” stockings and garter-belt that seem to have me totally “trapped” at a whole new perverse stage in this game.
One of the other gifts I received was this delicious toy for the bedroom … nothing crazy that requires a car-battery of hazardous materials labels … just an intriguing rubber toy … that has kind of come back to haunt me a bit; but in a very good way.
Anyway, getting into the details …
“I’ve heard that some women fantasize about the idea of being sexually controlled (in a consensual way, of course). Have you ever been tied up during sex?”
Hmmm…well, at first I though just how much should I reveal about my own little perversions and myself?
I’m a pretty open girl as a lot of you are learning. I’ve dabbled in a few different things and played around and most of you have pretty much been invited into my sex life thanks to my website and blog. And like so many other things, yes I have tried a little light bondage. Nothing painful or kinky mind you…just some nice, sexually teasing bondage. I’ve never been one to really get into the idea of domination – either being dominated or doing the dominating. I might do some photo sets that way, but role-playing isn’t something that is a big part of my libido.
I admit, there’s a strange sensual feeling about being restrained while someone does some very sexual things to you. The biggest part to make sure it’s a turn-on is trust. I trust my husband to do only things that I’m OK with, and that are sexually exciting and not degrading.
This happened shortly after the stockings and garter belt arrived. Maybe you have seen the video I have that happened with the toy, but that wasn’t so much about the bondage at the time as it was about something for you to enjoy … But this time there were no cameras, and I was not really expecting it.
My husband indicated quite bluntly that we were going to have sex … and in a teasing way that I often throw back, said something like “Oh?” Anyway, next thing I know, I am in our bedroom being undressed. Then he put me on a chair he had tucked away from view (so I wouldn’t suspect, I guess) and slipped a blindfold over my eyes. He had obviously thought this through, as he then tied my ankles to the chair legs and may hands behind my back so I was totally at his mercy – and naked.
About this time, I’m getting in the mood. All too often we do the kinky stuff with our mistress in the room (the camera), so a little rough play just for the sake of rough play was welcome!
He started by teasing me with his fingers. I love how he does that; the sensations of the touch … only to be heightened by the fact I am bound and blindfolded. Then, without my expected it, I felt this odd sensation between my thighs … he had pulled out this new dildo from my nightstand and was now using it on me. This continued for a while until he then added my favourite little pocket rocket vibrator to the torment. I can’t describe how sexually exciting and frustrating it is to have someone doing such naughty things to your body, forcing you so close to that magnificent orgasm … and then cruelly backing off.
And during these insane moments, while I am so close to peaking, he’s saying stuff about me, how horny I am, how wet I am, how easy the toy goes in … making me tell him how much it turns me on having some guy I have never met sending me these kind of things, making me admit I use them on my own and fantasize about really dirty things when I am alone … you get the picture.
So obviously, I’m game for some light bondage … but when I get to the begging stage, it’s time to keep the game moving forward and at least let me get partly involved for that incredible moment. It only pays off for the guy in the end!
But I do have to say that it’s really hot to be getting into the whole thing, surrendering myself so that my partner can tie me up. But at the same time, if you need to have faith that your partner is only going to play fair and make it a sexually exciting experience, not frightening or leading to something that was not mutually agreed upon. When you cross that line of trust, then it’s no longer a truly sexual experience.