Category Archives: Attraction
Hookups — brief uncommitted sexual encounters between individuals who are not romantic partners or dating each other.
“Hookups have emerged from more general social shifts taking place during the last century. Hookups began to become more frequent in the 1920s, with the upsurge of automobiles and novel entertainment, such as movie theaters. Instead of courting at home under a parent’s watchful eye, young adults left the home and were able to explore their sexuality more freely.
By the 1960s, young adults became even more sexually liberated, with the rise of feminism, widespread availability of birth control and growth of sex-integrated college party events. Today, sexual behavior outside of traditional committed romantic pair-bonds has become increasingly typical and socially acceptable (Bogle, 2007, 2008).” — Source
This is, quite easily, one of the more difficult TMI Tuesdays for me. Having been in a committed relationship now for almost 25 years, there isn’t a vast amount of “hook-up” dishing to be had. However, the idea captivates my attention because of the very nature of it – the pure sexual freedom and no emotional attachment. There’s a lot of potential in that.
There is a great debate somewhere in all of this – people of my generation and older may see these encounters as the old “one-night stand.” Whereas, as mentioned above, today’s youth may very well see these “sex for sex sake” encounters as normal behaviour.
1. When was your last hook-up?
So, here is where we will begin with my own twist on the concept. I can’t say that my encounter is a hook-up in the truest of senses, mainly because it was carefully planned, my husband was present for the entire encounter … and the only outcome was the exchange of oral sex.
But that wonderful encounter took place in March 2012
2. Briefly describe the hook-up?
I had invested about three years of really committed flirting and teasing of the guy before making the leap. It’s described in great detail in another blog entry.
3. How did you feel physically and emotionally after your last hook-up?
Physically, it was an incredible moment in my adult life. The orgasm I experienced left me weak in the knees for hours. Emotionally was more of a challenge. There was no guilt on my behalf, I had the unbelievable support and encouragement from my husband to go ahead with the encounter, so my conscience was clear. But in the days after, I still felt confused. I had an intense desire (and still do) to take the next step and push the sexual envelope a bit more, but I also had to accept that the freedom I enjoyed was not shared for my partner. For him it was very much an “affair” and he had to make some tough decisions based on reality as opposed to sexual fantasy.
4. Are you still acquainted with the person from your hook-up?
We are still friends, although I don’t hear from him as much as I would like. We no longer work together and have since taken different paths in life.
5. How often do you engage in hook-ups?
This was the one and only time … so far.
6. What do you like most about engaging in hook-ups?
Well, outside of the previously stated lack of experience, I like the idea of being able to sexually explore without an emotional commitment. There’s something to be said for the sense of freedom.
Bonus: Are you married and having hook-ups?
Um … see above. But yes, I am married – happily, lovingly married.
The great thing about catching on to a subject like sexual freedom is that the conversation can literally go on and on. And with the idea of sharing intriguing perspectives from both sides of the debate, often the level of intellectual deliciousness heats up. Is it voyeurism? Cuckolding? Just ol’ fashioned swinging?
Such is the case with my most recent blogs about men watching their wives having sex with other men, and the like. From that comes the counter perspective, as challenged by someone who I chat with every now and then on Twitter:
Can you have a great, long-lasting sex life with the same partner?
I can only answer this from a personal – and feminine – perspective: absolutely.
For women, or at least me, the idea of great sex isn’t founded on the equipment a man brings to the bedroom – his looks, the size of his penis, his paycheque. What matters most is the connection between us, the bond and how you capture my imagination and my soul more than how deeply you tickle my vagina.
Good sex – hot, steamy, toe-curling, mattress-grabbing sex – can be founded on the vanity of what a man has to offer physically and the marvels of what he can do between my legs. For some, I’m sure that is the definition of great sex. But after the two minute mark has passed and he’s pretty much done and snoring on his side of the bed, there remains the hollow feeling; the feeling of something missing.
What takes things to the next level to great sex is what happens between my ears. It’s the essential “mind fuck” that I want as much as the physical fuck. I need to feel a connection with my lover to make it happen; an emotional connection that burns deeply. And despite what many may think about my online life, that kind of connection only comes from a committed, long-term relationship.
Now, to throw a real twist into all of this …
Great sex also requires a feeling of sexual freedom. Even in marriage, there are times when you fear judgement for your sexual thoughts. That is just natural in any intimate relationship. And if those fears hold you back sexually … well, it takes time to let go of them and grow into being more open and understanding. A healthy long-term relationship will allow that time to pass, and foster sexual and emotional growth of each partner.
Sexual freedom allows your mind and body to surrender to the moment, without any hesitation or guilt because you have invested in that personal growth within the relationship. It removes those psychological barriers – most of which are the cause of bad sex. A study I read not long ago hit on some of the issues surrounding those barriers in non-monogamous relationships – men struggled with erection issues, while women struggled with lubrication issues during those moments of infidelity.
So, for all the stockings, lingerie and secretive rendezvous at sketchy motels – research suggests great sex was not on the room service card.
Sexual freedom + deep emotional connection = great sex. At least for me, and I’m not convinced that’s something you can find with a one-night stand. But I am convinced it’s something you can have for life with the right partner.
With the Christmas season on the horizon – and, who could ignore the massively-advertised newest American holiday of “Black Friday” – there is no doubt some of you guys are going to be wondering what you can get for your significant other to significantly improve your chances of unwrapping her in the near future.
Lingerie has been a go-to for bedroom fashion for eons. I suspect even the earliest attempt at a seductive statement likely involved some cave-dweller trimming a touch of sabre-tooth tiger fur off the hem of her frock.
But before you launch yourself into the lacy realm of stockings, garters and teddies, there may be a few conversations worth having with your intended lingerie model. Unfortunately, nothing will put a chill on a romantic Christmas evening than a naughty present that isn’t accepted with the same excitement it was gifted.
Six reasons to talk about lingerie:
Know her tastes
Let’s start with the easy; and keep in mind, the whole idea of knowing her tastes falls with almost every other point below. Her daily wardrobe will give you the best clues to her lingerie personality. Are her colour choices are subtle, vibrant, coordinated? Does she own more than one pair of heels higher than 3-inches? Pay attention to her everyday life to discover the best way to get her into something a little sexier. If her go-to look is your old college sweatshirt and a pair of tired ol’ track pants, chances are she’s not going to trade them for a clingy, sheer, gartered teddy with some Cuban-heel stockings.
Classic looks are always winners when starting out – flirty babydolls, lacy teddies, even the three-piece bra/panty/garterbelt set. Save the kinky stuff until you know she’s really into playing the seductress role.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. If you saw me in my daily setting, you would never suspect I had a travel trunk chalk full of naughty intimates. Some women have conflicting environments – a work role that is stylishly restrictive, so a bedroom style that blows up the sensuality and sexuality. But if she’s one these women, you’ll already know.
Know her reality
In all the time you have ever been together have you heard her say, “I just love how that thin fabric strip of a thong makes me feel like I’m being sawn in half.” I hate thongs. I almost never wear them except for when I do photo shoots or with the occasional dress that won’t let me get away with something I find more comfortable – and even then I can assure you, I’m weighing the reality of going commando.
It pays to know what she likes in her daily life – because if she thinks you expect her to get all glammed up for a night of bedroom passion, she’s already feeling performance anxiety. Don’t add to her reluctance by making her stray too far from what she feels comfortable in. Besides, if you play the whole plan properly, the thong/bikini/boyshorts won’t stay on for long anyway.
Know her limits
Ask yourself the question “Will she really like this?” I love lingerie. I wear a lot of it, I pose in and out of a lot of it … I’ve had men who weren’t my husband buy me lingerie to wear, I’ve bought lingerie to wear for men that weren’t my husband. But over time I have also come to realize that I tend to be a little unique. Most women don’t own a lot of lingerie, and some probably have only ever worn it on their wedding day. If this is your partner, that 50 Shades of Grey-inspired pleather outfit with wet-look stockings, riding crop and 6-inch stilettos may not be a good way to introduce her to the idea of wearing lingerie.
If your wife or girlfriend doesn’t have a lot of colourful underwear already (bras, panties) … stick to the basics of black or red. If she’s self-conscious, black is always best even if it is a bit cliché. If she’s a more colourful type, ask her what her favourite colour is and stick with that.
Also consider if it is the kind of lingerie you’d like her to wear outside of the house. That can also determine how much of a leap is required in her comfort level.
Know your budget
Maybe you’ve heard that country song by Gretchen Wilson that says “Victoria’s Secret, their stuff’s real nice … but I can get the same thing from Wal-Mart half-price.” I’m not suggesting you cheap out on your purchase, but you also need to recognize that some women may only wear your purchase once. And they may only wear it for a matter of minutes. Are you really keen on dropping that $600 for La Perla or Agent Provocateur?
As someone who has worn a lot of different pieces of lingerie over the past several years, I can honestly tell you that your best bang for your buck won’t come from the money spent – but the consideration given to how she will look while wearing it, especially if she is not a frequent connoisseur of lacy things.
Know her size
This goes without saying; if you take nothing else from my blog today, at least take this one tip with you. There’s no excuse for not knowing her size – she has a drawer full of bras, panties and other assorted items that she wears on a daily basis. Do your homework before you buy.
Predict the future
OK, you’re probably wondering how this relates. Easy, if you pay attention to the clues she gives you and her lifestyle, you’ll already have everything you need to wow her with lingerie that she will happily slip into. Just like hunting, don’t go in for the kill if you haven’t stalked your prey – and a woman in lingerie is a rare and allusive creature. She can be skittish and easily scared off.
Above all, if the risks still seem too great, try the old-fashioned route: ask.
And don’t forget the stockings …
Without question, I like to flirt. And I don’t discriminate; men, women, white, black, blue, green. I’m a people person and if I find a way to have a connection with someone who intrigues that part of my psyche, I’m game for a little flirtatious interaction. And I think if you have paid any attention along the way the past four years that I have been blogging and Twittering, you’ll know flirting is something I take very seriously.
Sadly, I’m also learning these days that flirting – even when done really well – is a dying art.
Five Reasons Flirting is Fading
I hazard to say that anyone working in a professional environment in North America can attest that workplace political correctness and over-bearing human resources policies have driven a huge wooden stake right through the heart of gender relations. Men and women are no longer allowed to play the Mars and Venus game, they are required to fall in line with some policy that says Marcie in accounting can’t be ogled by Bill in sales, even if Bill wasn’t actually ogling. We have policied ourselves into some level of social numbness where the only appropriate non-work related question can be able the lunch menu (if you dare).
Yes, sexual harassment is a real issue, but corporate policies are designed for mass implementation as opposed to identifying and addressing the cause. The challenge behind this is that it has created a huge scare, in which people are afraid to be anything but robotic little lemmings instead of individuals with unique interests, desires and senses of humour. The only safe conversation is “How was your weekend?” … and even can be sketchy at times. Oh, and Lord, don’t even mention your favourite NFL team if they happen to be from Washington, Kansas City or heaven-forbid, Green Bay (’cause all you know ‘packers’ has a suggestive meaning in some gay circles).
2. Technology Taints
A girl I work with – a single mom in her 40s – is back on the dating scene after her husband left her for some piece of fluff half her age. She’s learning that in this modern age, actual verbal communication falls low on the list of how it works. She’s also learning that the … um … sexual component of the dating game involves texting, sexting and selfies BEFORE an actual date has even taken place. I must say, we all did have a chuckle at the less than impressive penis shot her latest “date” sent her; this after only one brief encounter at a local coffee shop during her lunch hour.
What ever happened to the mystery?
Add to that, I just read an article today that says couples who meet online (dating sites, etc.) are less likely to get married and more likely to break up. I can only wonder if it’s because penis pics are becoming the norm … guys?
3. Conversation is Caput
Directly linked to the reason above, the two genders in our culture no longer seem to have the ability to talk to each other anymore. I see it constantly, especially with the younger adults. We’re connected to our gadgets. Sure, we can text 100 words per minute with just our thumbs, but we have no clue how to actually talk to someone of the opposite sex over a casual cup of coffee, never mind start up a flirtatious conversation ripe with barely-veiled sexual innuendo.
And even beyond the casual conversation that may occur between non-sexual relationships, we appear to have lost the ability – or maybe just the courage – to communicate with each other face-to-face.
4. Uber Feminism is Uber Annoying
I’m a feminist, an equalitist (made that one up) and a staunch believer in fairness all around. But I’m also woman and feminine enough to politely acknowledge a man who opens a door for me. I’m woman and girly enough to blush when a man (other than my husband) gives me a compliment on my hair/outfit/shoes/appropriate body part/etc. Some days I’ll even take the compliment on the inappropriate body part. I’m also woman enough to feel a little tingle between my thighs when I attract the attention of a man other than my husband, thus causing a slight distraction and/or dirty thought to pop into his head. In fact, I’m disappointed when I intentionally set out with that in mind and seemingly fail.
What I’m not is someone who is so fearful of my gender identity that I feel the need to treat men (and women) with suspicion and hostility just because they want to be nice to me. I’m not afraid of men, nor am I jealous and possessive to the point where my own husband is afraid of me.
We have forgotten how to be kind to each other and the anger between the sexes has created a battlefield where no one remembers how to act with dignity, grace and sincere flattery. We’ve forgotten that we’re supposed to have a polite level of sexual tension between us – that’s what leads to the preservation of the species through procreation.
5. Immediate Gratification
Our modern culture is focused strictly on satisfaction NOW. No one wants to wait; no one wants to invest some time and work towards a long-term reward. Flirting done well is an investment in the other person. It’s something that builds and forms a new layer in a relationship between two people. It’s not a cat-calling come-on, but a finely tuned conversation that allows the level of innuendo and humour to build naturally. Not done well it usually results in the other person thinking you’re just a horny creep.
Back in 2011, when my blog was located elsewhere on the Internet, I ran a series I called “Sexy Sundays.” It was a summertime collection of some more intimate details of my life; an idea that was voted on by my readers as something they wanted to read more of. When I moved to WordPress, those entries were kind of left in the archives of my hard drive, but I found them and figured they would make for some great updates every now and then. I hope you enjoy them; and as always, feel free to comment or send me some ideas/questions that you would like to see here.
As I mentioned then – and numerous times before – I have long held a desire to explore that side of me, and still want to continue … maybe even take it further than the occasional fleeting moment. The original post on this subject was in response to an online friend, who had sent me the question. It reminded me that I needed to dig around a bit more for some stuff I had written before about the moment when I think everything really crossed from actual curiosity to outright “Ok, no more flirting around, let’s do it.”
So this is a post that my husband and I wrote back before the current blogging addiction – about a faithful night in January 2007. It’s been updated just enough to include some better reflection on the moment. I apologize for it being kind of long, but I enjoyed reading it again, and I hope you will too.
After years of dirty talk and naughty bedroom whispers during sweaty sex, my hubby and I had the chance to experience a little playtime with some new friends. Writing about my fantasies is fun, but also kind of tough. Knowing the other couple is reading this also brings feelings of being nervous, scared, timid, horny – all of it – rushing back.
We had wondered for a long time what it would be like to share some intimate moments with another couple. And, for quite a while, my bi-curiosity had been on my mind. Ever since that drunken moment with my coworker at a conference when she was so frustratingly close to taking me past the point of “yeah, I think about it” to “uh huh, and let’s do it right now,” I had not really had a very clear head on my sexual feelings.
Through a set of circumstances where I finally took the initiative to be bold, set aside some long-held secrets and be open about my fantasies, the door of opportunity opened a bit wider. We met some friends who were open about our ideas. On an evening where the innuendo and jokes progressed to deep, philosophical and sexually-charged conversation about lifestyles and bedroom experiences, I made the leap to let a few cats out of the bag. It was a bit of a risk, and of course I was nervous about letting someone so close know about my thoughts and website. But I was surprised at how easy it was, and how open they were to it – without being judgmental. It’s kind of a strange feeling to meet someone that thinks the same way and has the same sexual comfort as you do. Where we live, people tend to be pretty narrow-minded about it, so what a refreshing change to know here was a couple that wouldn’t “judge” us for being “alive.”
Like many fantasies, this one involved a hot tub. Hot tubs seem to be the place where people can get together and say “sex is on the menu” and everyone kind of accepts that at some point, someone is going to get totally naked.
Fast-forward through dinner, drinks, somewhat awkward talk where no one wants to make the first move… To where, finally, Tthe four of us were in the tub, enjoying the opportunity to explore – hands, touching, kissing. Everyone had said they were shocked at how fast it all came about. I’m trying to think back, and when I do, that feeling of nervousness comes back, excitement…and a lot of wanting more.
Knowing our friends are reading (naughty, naughty), it’s a little scary…I sit here going, “what should I say? What’s OK to share?”
And that takes you to a place of wanting to know everything. But as my hubby has said to me, it’s one thing to share your most intimate thoughts with your spouse, but to with someone who you’ve just had a little encounter with? As a couple, you go through life’s stages, saying during intimate moments, “OK, that feels good” or “No, please, not like that…” and honestly…could you be bold enough to put that out there for everyone…all of it makes my mind go slushy.
It’s that same fear you get after that first date with the cute guy, and you wonder, did he like me, does he think I’m nice, a good kisser, interesting, etc? I’m learning fast this kind of experience gets that personal chemistry stirred up – only now it’s four times more confusing. And, where is most of that chemistry focused?
Anyway, you’re all going “cut to the chase.”
To begin with, we remained with our own partners, slowly building up the sexual tension with kissing, fondling, watching the other couple kiss. At one point I was sitting on my husband’s lap, facing him, as we were making out. Then I felt a hand down there … and I knew where mine were and where his were. I liked the sensation. For a moment, the hand just delicately teased me, and then it stopped. I was just about to voice my complaint when the other man gently took my elbow and pulled me toward him. At the same time, he kind of directed his own wife over to my husband.
And so in the next moment, I am now sitting on his lap, facing him … and we kissed.
At first, I was just there in body…my mind was racing so fast and my nerves were unbelievably tense. When you have the better part of two decades with the same person, only having fleeting moments over those years of other physical contact, the sensation of how another man or woman touches you is like being a virgin again.
There’s the huge excitement, mixed with a confusing thrill of “where is this going?” Feeling another man touch and kiss me brought out some new sensations, letting his hand fondle, grope, guiding my own hand to him, gently stroking his very hard penis…it was scary. Could my husband see me giving this other man a hand job under the water – mixed thoughts of “oh god this feels so good” as I wrapped my fingers around this man’s erection. It leaves me with these same thoughts of excitement, a desire to explore more and a little bit of rekindling – some real assurance that I can have that affect on another guy. Closing my eyes and feeling this man for the next several minutes: behind me, in front of me, hands, lips, erections…WOW! How I felt as he stroked my body with his hands, his fingers teasing across my pussy but not quite penetrating me; the sensation of turning to away from him and having his rock hard cock pressing against me under the water as I straddled his lap again … not even an inch away from my very horny and possibly willing pussy.
And like a dance, just things were really getting hot and interesting, someone called “snowball” and I came face-to-face with my curiosity about another woman.
The first few seconds of touching, kissing – like we had never done it before with another person – was incredible. I’m going through these emotions of being like a teenager, the excitement of those first times. I don’t know if it’s because of the “release” of the physical part – getting the chance to explore with my hands and my mouth, feeling her body, seeing her naked, the sensations as she returned my affection – or if it is because of who I got to share it with. A great set of breasts that felt so soft in my hands, her nipples hardening in my mouth as I kissing and sucked on them…and a little naughty surprise down there too.
This was the first time I had touched another woman’s pussy … and to gently fondle her with my fingers while we kissed, to hear her little moans, was the moment when I had finally confirmed there was an even greater desire in me to explore and that it wasn’t just some fleeting sexual notion fuelled by a couple drinks.
Now knowing that her fantasies haven’t been changed because of what we did together is a huge comfort. I know my own fantasies, but I wasn’t sure of hers…mine, as you have read, are pretty hot and close to me. But you never know if you live up to someone else’s “curiosity” or “fantasy.” As I have said before, when things do happen in real life, there’s this great fear of “will it be like I imagined?”
Sometimes as a woman, you can sense whether or not someone is your type. When it comes to men, it’s an easy thing. Some of you prefer blondes, brunettes, redheads, certain body types, body parts, etc. I get your e-mails and comments, and the compliments are nice – but I try not to take it too seriously. I’m not a vain person, and sometimes it’s difficult to share your vision of me. Rejection from a guy can be taken as simply, “I’m not his type.”
Women are not any different, except when it comes to the fear associated with your own bi-curious feelings. The idea of possibly being rejected by another woman is very unsettling. As she and I were exploring each other, kissing and touching, I was scared of “are we doing this for the husbands, or are we into each other?” I was doing it for me, not because – even though I was terrified – my husband was there, but because I’m in touch with my desires, and the wantingness (is that a word?) to explore. I had wanted to feel all of that for a long time, and I can honestly say, I REALLY enjoyed it. My mind frequently lingers to how she felt, my fingers and lips, her …
You’ll have to forgive me … but at this point, I need to be doing something other than typing!