Category Archives: Attraction
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Do you ever see someone – a perfect stranger – and wonder what they would be like as a lover, as a partner … as a one-night stand?
There’s this guy I see most mornings on my drive into work. He stands at the end of his driveway with his young kids waiting with them for their school bus. As much as I can tell as I drive by, he’s a handsome man – and obviously a pretty good father. He dresses somewhat casually, and appears to be fairly fit.
But you know, sometimes my mind takes these little turns and thoughts pop into my head that aren’t exactly vanilla. Here’s this guy, who I know absolutely nothing about as a person, other than in the mornings he is out in all kinds of weather with his kids, waiting. So my mind wanders; what does he do after the bus leaves? Does he work at home? Where’s the kids’ mom? Is she inside all dressed up in naughty lingerie waiting for a morning session of sweaty sex?
Or, maybe, he’s alone. Maybe he wishes there was someone waiting back in the bedroom, dressed in naughty lingerie. Maybe his wife is so wrapped up in her own career now that she’s basically left him to be Mr. Mom.
What would happen if I just pulled into the driveway one day as the school bus passed me?
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Hookups — brief uncommitted sexual encounters between individuals who are not romantic partners or dating each other.
“Hookups have emerged from more general social shifts taking place during the last century. Hookups began to become more frequent in the 1920s, with the upsurge of automobiles and novel entertainment, such as movie theaters. Instead of courting at home under a parent’s watchful eye, young adults left the home and were able to explore their sexuality more freely.
By the 1960s, young adults became even more sexually liberated, with the rise of feminism, widespread availability of birth control and growth of sex-integrated college party events. Today, sexual behavior outside of traditional committed romantic pair-bonds has become increasingly typical and socially acceptable (Bogle, 2007, 2008).” — Source
This is, quite easily, one of the more difficult TMI Tuesdays for me. Having been in a committed relationship now for almost 25 years, there isn’t a vast amount of “hook-up” dishing to be had. However, the idea captivates my attention because of the very nature of it – the pure sexual freedom and no emotional attachment. There’s a lot of potential in that.
There is a great debate somewhere in all of this – people of my generation and older may see these encounters as the old “one-night stand.” Whereas, as mentioned above, today’s youth may very well see these “sex for sex sake” encounters as normal behaviour.
1. When was your last hook-up?
So, here is where we will begin with my own twist on the concept. I can’t say that my encounter is a hook-up in the truest of senses, mainly because it was carefully planned, my husband was present for the entire encounter … and the only outcome was the exchange of oral sex.
But that wonderful encounter took place in March 2012
2. Briefly describe the hook-up?
I had invested about three years of really committed flirting and teasing of the guy before making the leap. It’s described in great detail in another blog entry.
3. How did you feel physically and emotionally after your last hook-up?
Physically, it was an incredible moment in my adult life. The orgasm I experienced left me weak in the knees for hours. Emotionally was more of a challenge. There was no guilt on my behalf, I had the unbelievable support and encouragement from my husband to go ahead with the encounter, so my conscience was clear. But in the days after, I still felt confused. I had an intense desire (and still do) to take the next step and push the sexual envelope a bit more, but I also had to accept that the freedom I enjoyed was not shared for my partner. For him it was very much an “affair” and he had to make some tough decisions based on reality as opposed to sexual fantasy.
4. Are you still acquainted with the person from your hook-up?
We are still friends, although I don’t hear from him as much as I would like. We no longer work together and have since taken different paths in life.
5. How often do you engage in hook-ups?
This was the one and only time … so far.
6. What do you like most about engaging in hook-ups?
Well, outside of the previously stated lack of experience, I like the idea of being able to sexually explore without an emotional commitment. There’s something to be said for the sense of freedom.
Bonus: Are you married and having hook-ups?
Um … see above. But yes, I am married – happily, lovingly married.
The great thing about catching on to a subject like sexual freedom is that the conversation can literally go on and on. And with the idea of sharing intriguing perspectives from both sides of the debate, often the level of intellectual deliciousness heats up. Is it voyeurism? Cuckolding? Just ol’ fashioned swinging?
Such is the case with my most recent blogs about men watching their wives having sex with other men, and the like. From that comes the counter perspective, as challenged by someone who I chat with every now and then on Twitter:
Can you have a great, long-lasting sex life with the same partner?
I can only answer this from a personal – and feminine – perspective: absolutely.
For women, or at least me, the idea of great sex isn’t founded on the equipment a man brings to the bedroom – his looks, the size of his penis, his paycheque. What matters most is the connection between us, the bond and how you capture my imagination and my soul more than how deeply you tickle my vagina.
Good sex – hot, steamy, toe-curling, mattress-grabbing sex – can be founded on the vanity of what a man has to offer physically and the marvels of what he can do between my legs. For some, I’m sure that is the definition of great sex. But after the two minute mark has passed and he’s pretty much done and snoring on his side of the bed, there remains the hollow feeling; the feeling of something missing.
What takes things to the next level to great sex is what happens between my ears. It’s the essential “mind fuck” that I want as much as the physical fuck. I need to feel a connection with my lover to make it happen; an emotional connection that burns deeply. And despite what many may think about my online life, that kind of connection only comes from a committed, long-term relationship.
Now, to throw a real twist into all of this …
Great sex also requires a feeling of sexual freedom. Even in marriage, there are times when you fear judgement for your sexual thoughts. That is just natural in any intimate relationship. And if those fears hold you back sexually … well, it takes time to let go of them and grow into being more open and understanding. A healthy long-term relationship will allow that time to pass, and foster sexual and emotional growth of each partner.
Sexual freedom allows your mind and body to surrender to the moment, without any hesitation or guilt because you have invested in that personal growth within the relationship. It removes those psychological barriers – most of which are the cause of bad sex. A study I read not long ago hit on some of the issues surrounding those barriers in non-monogamous relationships – men struggled with erection issues, while women struggled with lubrication issues during those moments of infidelity.
So, for all the stockings, lingerie and secretive rendezvous at sketchy motels – research suggests great sex was not on the room service card.
Sexual freedom + deep emotional connection = great sex. At least for me, and I’m not convinced that’s something you can find with a one-night stand. But I am convinced it’s something you can have for life with the right partner.
With the Christmas season on the horizon – and, who could ignore the massively-advertised newest American holiday of “Black Friday” – there is no doubt some of you guys are going to be wondering what you can get for your significant other to significantly improve your chances of unwrapping her in the near future.
Lingerie has been a go-to for bedroom fashion for eons. I suspect even the earliest attempt at a seductive statement likely involved some cave-dweller trimming a touch of sabre-tooth tiger fur off the hem of her frock.
But before you launch yourself into the lacy realm of stockings, garters and teddies, there may be a few conversations worth having with your intended lingerie model. Unfortunately, nothing will put a chill on a romantic Christmas evening than a naughty present that isn’t accepted with the same excitement it was gifted.
Six reasons to talk about lingerie:
Know her tastes
Let’s start with the easy; and keep in mind, the whole idea of knowing her tastes falls with almost every other point below. Her daily wardrobe will give you the best clues to her lingerie personality. Are her colour choices are subtle, vibrant, coordinated? Does she own more than one pair of heels higher than 3-inches? Pay attention to her everyday life to discover the best way to get her into something a little sexier. If her go-to look is your old college sweatshirt and a pair of tired ol’ track pants, chances are she’s not going to trade them for a clingy, sheer, gartered teddy with some Cuban-heel stockings.
Classic looks are always winners when starting out – flirty babydolls, lacy teddies, even the three-piece bra/panty/garterbelt set. Save the kinky stuff until you know she’s really into playing the seductress role.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. If you saw me in my daily setting, you would never suspect I had a travel trunk chalk full of naughty intimates. Some women have conflicting environments – a work role that is stylishly restrictive, so a bedroom style that blows up the sensuality and sexuality. But if she’s one these women, you’ll already know.
Know her reality
In all the time you have ever been together have you heard her say, “I just love how that thin fabric strip of a thong makes me feel like I’m being sawn in half.” I hate thongs. I almost never wear them except for when I do photo shoots or with the occasional dress that won’t let me get away with something I find more comfortable – and even then I can assure you, I’m weighing the reality of going commando.
It pays to know what she likes in her daily life – because if she thinks you expect her to get all glammed up for a night of bedroom passion, she’s already feeling performance anxiety. Don’t add to her reluctance by making her stray too far from what she feels comfortable in. Besides, if you play the whole plan properly, the thong/bikini/boyshorts won’t stay on for long anyway.
Know her limits
Ask yourself the question “Will she really like this?” I love lingerie. I wear a lot of it, I pose in and out of a lot of it … I’ve had men who weren’t my husband buy me lingerie to wear, I’ve bought lingerie to wear for men that weren’t my husband. But over time I have also come to realize that I tend to be a little unique. Most women don’t own a lot of lingerie, and some probably have only ever worn it on their wedding day. If this is your partner, that 50 Shades of Grey-inspired pleather outfit with wet-look stockings, riding crop and 6-inch stilettos may not be a good way to introduce her to the idea of wearing lingerie.
If your wife or girlfriend doesn’t have a lot of colourful underwear already (bras, panties) … stick to the basics of black or red. If she’s self-conscious, black is always best even if it is a bit cliché. If she’s a more colourful type, ask her what her favourite colour is and stick with that.
Also consider if it is the kind of lingerie you’d like her to wear outside of the house. That can also determine how much of a leap is required in her comfort level.
Know your budget
Maybe you’ve heard that country song by Gretchen Wilson that says “Victoria’s Secret, their stuff’s real nice … but I can get the same thing from Wal-Mart half-price.” I’m not suggesting you cheap out on your purchase, but you also need to recognize that some women may only wear your purchase once. And they may only wear it for a matter of minutes. Are you really keen on dropping that $600 for La Perla or Agent Provocateur?
As someone who has worn a lot of different pieces of lingerie over the past several years, I can honestly tell you that your best bang for your buck won’t come from the money spent – but the consideration given to how she will look while wearing it, especially if she is not a frequent connoisseur of lacy things.
Know her size
This goes without saying; if you take nothing else from my blog today, at least take this one tip with you. There’s no excuse for not knowing her size – she has a drawer full of bras, panties and other assorted items that she wears on a daily basis. Do your homework before you buy.
Predict the future
OK, you’re probably wondering how this relates. Easy, if you pay attention to the clues she gives you and her lifestyle, you’ll already have everything you need to wow her with lingerie that she will happily slip into. Just like hunting, don’t go in for the kill if you haven’t stalked your prey – and a woman in lingerie is a rare and allusive creature. She can be skittish and easily scared off.
Above all, if the risks still seem too great, try the old-fashioned route: ask.
And don’t forget the stockings …
Without question, I like to flirt. And I don’t discriminate; men, women, white, black, blue, green. I’m a people person and if I find a way to have a connection with someone who intrigues that part of my psyche, I’m game for a little flirtatious interaction. And I think if you have paid any attention along the way the past four years that I have been blogging and Twittering, you’ll know flirting is something I take very seriously.
Sadly, I’m also learning these days that flirting – even when done really well – is a dying art.
Five Reasons Flirting is Fading
I hazard to say that anyone working in a professional environment in North America can attest that workplace political correctness and over-bearing human resources policies have driven a huge wooden stake right through the heart of gender relations. Men and women are no longer allowed to play the Mars and Venus game, they are required to fall in line with some policy that says Marcie in accounting can’t be ogled by Bill in sales, even if Bill wasn’t actually ogling. We have policied ourselves into some level of social numbness where the only appropriate non-work related question can be able the lunch menu (if you dare).
Yes, sexual harassment is a real issue, but corporate policies are designed for mass implementation as opposed to identifying and addressing the cause. The challenge behind this is that it has created a huge scare, in which people are afraid to be anything but robotic little lemmings instead of individuals with unique interests, desires and senses of humour. The only safe conversation is “How was your weekend?” … and even can be sketchy at times. Oh, and Lord, don’t even mention your favourite NFL team if they happen to be from Washington, Kansas City or heaven-forbid, Green Bay (’cause all you know ‘packers’ has a suggestive meaning in some gay circles).
2. Technology Taints
A girl I work with – a single mom in her 40s – is back on the dating scene after her husband left her for some piece of fluff half her age. She’s learning that in this modern age, actual verbal communication falls low on the list of how it works. She’s also learning that the … um … sexual component of the dating game involves texting, sexting and selfies BEFORE an actual date has even taken place. I must say, we all did have a chuckle at the less than impressive penis shot her latest “date” sent her; this after only one brief encounter at a local coffee shop during her lunch hour.
What ever happened to the mystery?
Add to that, I just read an article today that says couples who meet online (dating sites, etc.) are less likely to get married and more likely to break up. I can only wonder if it’s because penis pics are becoming the norm … guys?
3. Conversation is Caput
Directly linked to the reason above, the two genders in our culture no longer seem to have the ability to talk to each other anymore. I see it constantly, especially with the younger adults. We’re connected to our gadgets. Sure, we can text 100 words per minute with just our thumbs, but we have no clue how to actually talk to someone of the opposite sex over a casual cup of coffee, never mind start up a flirtatious conversation ripe with barely-veiled sexual innuendo.
And even beyond the casual conversation that may occur between non-sexual relationships, we appear to have lost the ability – or maybe just the courage – to communicate with each other face-to-face.
4. Uber Feminism is Uber Annoying
I’m a feminist, an equalitist (made that one up) and a staunch believer in fairness all around. But I’m also woman and feminine enough to politely acknowledge a man who opens a door for me. I’m woman and girly enough to blush when a man (other than my husband) gives me a compliment on my hair/outfit/shoes/appropriate body part/etc. Some days I’ll even take the compliment on the inappropriate body part. I’m also woman enough to feel a little tingle between my thighs when I attract the attention of a man other than my husband, thus causing a slight distraction and/or dirty thought to pop into his head. In fact, I’m disappointed when I intentionally set out with that in mind and seemingly fail.
What I’m not is someone who is so fearful of my gender identity that I feel the need to treat men (and women) with suspicion and hostility just because they want to be nice to me. I’m not afraid of men, nor am I jealous and possessive to the point where my own husband is afraid of me.
We have forgotten how to be kind to each other and the anger between the sexes has created a battlefield where no one remembers how to act with dignity, grace and sincere flattery. We’ve forgotten that we’re supposed to have a polite level of sexual tension between us – that’s what leads to the preservation of the species through procreation.
5. Immediate Gratification
Our modern culture is focused strictly on satisfaction NOW. No one wants to wait; no one wants to invest some time and work towards a long-term reward. Flirting done well is an investment in the other person. It’s something that builds and forms a new layer in a relationship between two people. It’s not a cat-calling come-on, but a finely tuned conversation that allows the level of innuendo and humour to build naturally. Not done well it usually results in the other person thinking you’re just a horny creep.