Monthly Archives: April 2018
It’s been a while since I found myself in a position of discovering something new sexually. I think my long break in updating my blog is a pretty accurate clue as to the fact nothing new has been happening on that front.
It’s something I’ve had a number of conversations about over the years – online and in person:
Why sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think …
As sexual beings, we’re driven by our needs for intimacy and intercourse. On a base level, it’s a natural act of procreation … on an emotional level it’s an act of validation and humanity. And while most of us go about our business within the defined societal rules for sexual interaction, there’s always that thought in the back of your mind about pushing the limits. I’m not talking about breaking laws here … or even breaking hearts. But there are those thoughts that drive our desires for discovering something new.
Quite simply, it’s the fear of the unknown.
It doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was a pretty average, monogamous woman content with her marriage and sex life. I came into my relationship with limited sexual experience and no designs on taking it to any outrageous heights. I was a little naïve and I was happy just getting laid.
I’ve said before that if it wasn’t for my husband, I probably would have never tried anything close to what I have in life – and you certainly wouldn’t even be reading about it. I would still be that girl being happy she was getting laid.
Thankfully, and lovingly, he has pushed me to try new things and new experiences. He showed me that there really is an awful lot more in life than just being happy getting laid.
When I first began to embrace the idea of adding a new degree of spark to my marriage, I absolutely had an enormous amount of fear. I was afraid that we may “go too far” and “what if we do something that affects our relationship”. Jealousy, infidelity … talent and ability; all of that crossed my mind in the many conversations we had in the beginning. I really struggled with the idea that we may cross a line that we couldn’t erase.
But I was hooked on the idea. I was hooked on the idea that I could be happy being the girl who was more than just getting laid.
And after finding the momentary bravery – often fuelled by a hint of liquid courage – I immersed myself in those experiences without trying to think ahead. And what I soon discovered was that the fear of even beginning was way bigger than any of the “fallout” after the fact.
In fact, I soon figured out that one of the easiest ways to overcome the doubt was the orgasmic release that resulted from the encounters. The bigger challenge wasn’t living in the moment and enjoying the sexually-charged atmosphere – it was trying to not over-think the experience.
By the time you get to the point where intimacy is going to be a reality, you’ve already made up your mind that there’s enough curiosity, desire and chemistry for something to happen.
As people, I think once we venture into a moment of sensuality, the feelings of intimacy begin to take over. That soft kiss on the thigh begins to draw out a stronger sense of desire, which in turn, takes your mind away from your doubts. By the time you feel the hot breath of a new partner on your body, and tongues and fingers in places only your husband has been … you’ve begun to discover there’s not a lot to be feared.
To discover that you like sex just for the sake of having sex is liberating; to discover you like the taste of another woman and the softness of her kisses erases a lifetime of sexual repression. Of course, it doesn’t mean your love and ability to maintain intimacy with your partner has been replaced. It means you’ve figured out a way to overcome doubt and the human emotions of fear and jealousy. It means you defeated someone else’s standards for how you should experience pleasure.
That’s probably why the realization of sexual discoveries isn’t as big a deal as you think it is. Sex is good, sometimes really, really good … but it’s still sex. Fear and doubt, though, those are much more difficult to embrace. Letting go of feeling like you need to live according to how society dictates you should, that’s monumental.
Sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think, once you get there.
I started thinking about this blog post before I actually wrote the #metoo rant … so I had to go back and give this some thought again. The question was originally put to me when I was updating on a more regular basis.
Is our obsession with today’s “celebrity culture” killing our sex lives?
Short and sweet. I think it really is. But it’s tied to a lot of how we’ve allowed the celebrity culture into our lives. It’s not just about another Kartrashian having yet another child with yet another basketball player or rapper that they’re not married to. It’s that, plus numerous other ways we give them credence and power over how we choose to exist in our less exciting worlds.
Think about how much social media plays a monumental role in our validation as people today. Or, our lies.
First, let’s be honest about me. I’m not exactly who you think I am. “Andee” is simply someone I have created, along with the help of my husband and my imagination, to become an online personality. A lot of what “she” shares with you is very real; the experiences, the thoughts, the ideas, the photos. But it’s not all of me. I have many very normal and mundane qualities that rarely surface in Andee. She is the sexual dynamo. She is the brave warrior who flirts shamelessly with coworkers, pursues her bi-curiosities and dresses in stockings and a garterbelt for a day at the office.
She’s the woman you wish lived next door, the woman my husband wished he woke up to every day (he’d say much different, but come on, he’s a horny dog like the rest of you and would love a nothing-but-sexually adventurous wife 24/7), and she’s the woman with unrelenting feminine confidence with a closet full or lingerie and power suits.
She’s not the woman who suffered through a cancer scare, endometriosis and a hysterectomy. She’s not the woman who’s battled through bouts of depression and almost crippling self-doubt. She’s not the scarred survivor of parenthood, filled with doubt and frustration. Her dark days never surface on here …
But things like that aren’t fun to blog about; nor are they ideas that I spent several years wanting to blog about. The sex and relationship stuff has always been my escape; my desire to be better and desired. So, in that sense, “Andee” is a big part of who I am.
Some of her is me, some of me is her. All of it is carefully vetted for the Internet; just like the celebrity lives we live through vicariously on Twitter and Instagram. Edited, cleansed and digitally enhanced.
Is it that difficult to see how these things will change our perspective on sex and relationships? When we only see the carefully concocted moments in brilliant lives, can we even begin to imagine that supermodels fart, or celebrities get that same three-month-long cough our lovely co-worker had last winter and refused to get treatment for?
With the Internet, we have a short cut to fulfilling the advice our parents’ gave us about being anything we want to be. All we need to do is apply the right filter, backdrop or snippets about vacation destinations.
Celebrity lives are no different – except they do that with the intent of drawing us closer to the false flame of belief. We are expected to believe they have perfect lives so we’ll continue to validate their place in society. The pursuit of perfection is in everything they do – the perfect role, perfect partner, perfect look, perfect body … the perfect endorsement deal.
That path leads to a very large part of our society thinking they need to live up to those expectations – and achieve the same degree of perfection … all without grasping the reality. It feeds the fire of “keeping up with the Joneses.”
It’s the “Judge me for the number of ‘likes’” approach to living.
As a result, our culture becomes even more materialistic as people begin to place higher values on things over relationships.
The challenge is to see through that veil and rise above. I’m finding it gets way easier as I get older and let go of the need to be validated by society under these standards.
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
Do you ever see someone – a perfect stranger – and wonder what they would be like as a lover, as a partner … as a one-night stand?
There’s this guy I see most mornings on my drive into work. He stands at the end of his driveway with his young kids waiting with them for their school bus. As much as I can tell as I drive by, he’s a handsome man – and obviously a pretty good father. He dresses somewhat casually, and appears to be fairly fit.
But you know, sometimes my mind takes these little turns and thoughts pop into my head that aren’t exactly vanilla. Here’s this guy, who I know absolutely nothing about as a person, other than in the mornings he is out in all kinds of weather with his kids, waiting. So my mind wanders; what does he do after the bus leaves? Does he work at home? Where’s the kids’ mom? Is she inside all dressed up in naughty lingerie waiting for a morning session of sweaty sex?
Or, maybe, he’s alone. Maybe he wishes there was someone waiting back in the bedroom, dressed in naughty lingerie. Maybe his wife is so wrapped up in her own career now that she’s basically left him to be Mr. Mom.
What would happen if I just pulled into the driveway one day as the school bus passed me?
It’s funny, sometimes, how your mind wanders into certain places.
It looks like Thigh High Thursday will be the first feature to make a comeback on my blog! I hope to get all those great features you guys enjoy back up, but going step by step right now, and this Thursday you’ll see the first one!
Thanks for those who voted. I’m hoping I’ll see more and more engagement here as I get everything rolling again.
As always, feel free to leave a comment or share an idea with me!
I heard the other that an organization in Hollywood is asking producers to change how they conduct auditions with actresses, obviously a direct result of the #metoo campaign.
Without question, the dynamics of how we relate to each other on a sexual level has been changed by the #metoo movement.
I don’t necessarily mean “sexual” as in “sex” … but it has certainly changed the relationship between men and women. There’s a great deal more caution in the workplace, and I’ve noticed a lot of conversations have become more guarded than they ever were. The flirtations have vanished; the innuendo, squashed …
It’s somewhat disappointing on a personal level. On here, or in my real life, I’ve never made it a secret that I enjoy flirting. I enjoy the mating dance between the sexes, and I enjoy the notion that someone may find me sexually attractive. I’ve said it before; those little nuances – the glances, the winks, the smiles, the attention – provide me with a sense of validation as a woman. Yes, love me for my brain … but don’t stifle the lust you might harbour for my company and my body.
As a woman, I have very mixed feelings about the campaign and how it has morphed from putting an end to sexual exploitation in Hollywood and politics to, dare I say it, a bit of a tornado of gender politics. I realize that is a contentious position to take, especially as a woman. We’ve seen examples of people being accused (let’s cut to the chase – men being accused) of sexual harassment and assault when something on a date went awry. And while the truth of harassment might exist in many of the cases brought forward, there are others where it is nothing more than vengeance.
Some are calling that “collateral damage” … which is outrageously unfair to the innocent lives affected by the accusations. Women who speak out against the #metoo accusers are met with this new strategy of shouting you down … bullying of sorts, and demanding they surrender their “woman card” because they’re obviously not part of the sisterhood.
Misogyny exists. Yes, I have also had my share of “creepy” moments – but I’ve never let that define me. I’ve never felt inspired to whip up a protest placard and march on the streets (Full disclosure, I’m not that motivated anyway). I’ve had to endure awkwardness in the workplace, sexual commentary that bordered on obscene, harassment online and full-on assumptions about my sexual availability for cash simply because I have a naughty hobby. I still receive dozens of unsolicited dick pics, meeting requests and uncensored commentary on what they would like to do to me as an object, as opposed to a person with an intellect.
Men have tried to “exert” their position of power over me, unsuccessfully. At the same time, I’ve often admitted to using my own feminine wiles and charms to advance my own devious distractions and amusement.
In actuality, I feel less safe walking at night than I do in a workplace full of horny men. But that uneasy feeling existed long before Hollywood celebrities started falling from grace. I don’t chalk that up to workplace misogyny. Women have felt that fear for decades, and it’s about a much different and darker kind of gender power if you ask me.
But all that hasn’t turned me against the idea that men and women can relate, can have fun – and that we all should own some responsibility in how we behave. It hasn’t made me anti-man.
As we seen in the #metoo debate, there are many sides to an argument. We’ve seen questionable behaviour from men AND from women in regard to exerting sexual power over another. Judgement has occasionally been lacking, common decency in short supply and mutual respect almost nil.
The dynamics of how we all now relate has been altered forever by this activism and staunch side-taking. We’ve lost the subtle nuances of the flirting, and made relationships that much more difficult.
Yes, it’s easy for me to sit here and hold these opinions, not really having had such “casting couch” experiences – but at the same time, as a mother of two young men, it terrifies me to think their future could be compromised because a spiteful and emboldened young lady didn’t like the lobster bisque.