Monthly Archives: March 2015
Consider this for a moment, you’re on the brink of your sexual peak and there’s an incredible world of orgasmic opportunity awaiting you; what’s the best advice you’ve received?
It’s an interesting question, because most of us may not truly recognize that the best advice is the best advice. Our friends tell us to “experiment” … which isn’t a bad thing. Our mothers tell us to “wait until you’re married” … which may not be a bad thing for some people. If you’re Catholic, the church tells us “you’ll go to hell” … which some of us (OK, maybe just me) already have reserved seating anyway.
The reality is, for as many of us participating in a healthy sexual lifestyle, there are just as many tidbits of good advice to be heeded.
The whole idea of best sex advice came about during a radio program I was recently listening to, where the hosts invited people to call in and share (within broadcastable reason) the things they had been told. Pretty much all of the above was covered, along with a few other funny ones – but I didn’t hear the one thing that I wished someone would have told me way back when:
Don’t be surprised if your sexual tastes change.
It’s really a simple idea, when you get right down to it. Much like our appetite for food, drink and music (among many other things) our sexual interests are going to evolve as we get older and gain more experience. But very few people seem to be open about the idea of “what you like now may not be what you like later.”
As girls, we certainly hear the “it gets better” about traditional intercourse; mostly because the experience of losing our virginity is: a) somewhat painful/uncomfortable and b) often very, very bad sex with a teenage boy way too anxious to notch his bedpost and tell his friends.
For me, as I have mentioned in my blog before, I spent the first decade of my sexual maturity (I’m pegging 16 as the start date for that, just sayin’) repressing certain desires/interests/thoughts. As a young adult, even moving into my early 20s, I would have never admitted that I was curious about women. And the same goes for exploring outside the bounds of conventional monogamy.
The surprise for me was the meeting and marriage to a man who would stand behind me to allow all of that to come out freely. I have also said before that had it not been for meeting my husband, there is a whole world of sexual exploration that would have never happened.
And no one tells you that is the way it’s supposed to be. No one seems to tell you that you are allowed to have desires/interests/thoughts of your own – and there is nothing wrong with them. Too many people seem to fall into the trap of “this is the way it is, and the way it’s supposed to be.” Thankfully I escaped that fate.
Because of the openness and support, I have been allowed to discover what I like and I what I don’t. My sexual tastes have been allowed to evolve as they should – and pave the path to many more yet to come. At 40, my sexual tastes are far more wonderful than they were at 20.
So, don’t be surprised if your sexual tastes change – and don’t let someone else prevent them from doing so.
If you follow my blog with any regularity, you’ll notice lately that I haven’t been a very good girl at keeping up with my written posts. I have to admit there are two very real reasons for this: a) time, and, 2. my stalled imagination.
For me it can be hard to feel inspired to come up with something that you’ll find interesting enough to read, and yet falls within my whole purpose of this blog. I’m not sure you’d want to read much about the mundane things that fulfill most of my days – and let’s be realistic, no matter how we want it to be, life can’t always be just about sex.
So, as one method of trying to spark my creativity again, I tried one of those online blog-topic generators. I admit that a lot of the results were just silly, but this one absolutely killed me. And then I thought, damn, I really should write about it …
What the government doesn’t want you to know about sexual fantasies
There could be a broad swath of conspiracy theories at work here, but I figure there are at least five good reasons why governments are hiding the truth about sexual fantasies from us.
- Sexual fantasies lead to happier, free-thinking citizens. Happy, free-thinking citizens aren’t as easy to corral as those easily manipulated taxpayers who unquestioningly return us to office election after election.
- Sexual fantasies lead to a population that is less stressed. Less stressed, like above, means the population has more time to think rationally and intelligently about government initiatives – and rebel against what we tell them is for their own good.
- Sexual fantasies lead to people spending time in bed – away from the cultural mechanisms we have created to generate income for our vast waste (and waist lines). People exploring in the privacy of their own bedrooms means less time spending money on items we can tax.
- Sexual fantasies lead to costly health care services – injuries sustained in the bedroom after trying to introduce a 50 Shades role-play, pregnancies, etc.
- Sexual fantasies lead to a population explosion – which in 18 years could lead to more voters. More voters mean we, as elected officials, have to work harder to convince a larger population that our policies and tax hikes are in their best interest. That’s a lot of work.
There you have it! As you can see, sexual fantasies aren’t good from a political point of view … and that’s long before we talk about the perverse nature of them.
What about you? Think of anything I may have missed? (Just remember though – Big Brother might be reading)
When I launched my website back in 2002, I never imagined I would still be doing it today. And while 13 years may not seem like a lot, in the “amateur porn” industry, it really is a lifetime. You guys have watched me evolve, both physically and emotionally, through a very key part of my adult life – from my mid-20s to now. And even though “Andee” is a small part of who I really am, she is also an important part of how I arrived at so many experiences and friendships.
And, equally so, there remains many misconceptions surrounding amateur porn, “Andee” and my life because of it.
8 utterly false things about me that people think are true
1. Since I have an adult website, I must also be an escort/prostitute
I’m not sure what it is about some people, but when they discover a woman who has some very … boring … reasons to dabble in the opportunity presented by the Internet (ie, adult photos), they automatically assume that she is available for hire for sexual services; that somehow, because I get naked for the camera, I have no qualms about giving it up to any man with a few shekels in his pocket. My website is not an invitation for sex; it really is a much more boring reality: I wanted to explore my exhibitionist side. I have never exchanged sexual services for money, nor do I have any intention of doing so in the future.
Please stop asking.
2. I’m oblivious to the nasty comments
In all the time I have been playing on the Internet, this is the one thing that I have never gotten used to and never truly understood. Without question, I have made some wonderful friends online – people that I may never meet face-to-face. These men and women have come to know me much better through the marvels of the Internet. But unfortunately, I have also discovered others who have nothing better to do than send the most vile and hate-filled words. I’ve been called almost every imaginable degrading label you can apply to a woman, accused of breaking up marriages and had threats made against me – all of that anonymously, of course.
But I have to accept that the same Internet that allows me to freely explore and express my sexuality in a somewhat “anonymous” fashion also affords the trolls the same anonymity to disperse their vitriol under the guise of freedom of speech.
3. It’s all about the money
Truth be told, it’s almost the complete opposite. I started my website – and my very first posts online before then – as a way to create a bit of fun and spice in my marriage. Even today, some several thousand photographs later, our sessions are still about us and our marital fun – which explains some of the time lapse between the updates.
As for the making money part, I’m terrible at promoting my own website compared to some of the other women I have encountered in this “business.” The fact that I do reap a small reward for my nudity isn’t the motivator – if it was about money, I’d probably have found a much more lucrative way to make it (see #1).
4. I’m a narcissist
“Andee” is a character that has been created and developed over the past 13 years. My driver’s licence doesn’t say “Andee.” Sure, a big part of who she is comes from my personal experiences, but I can assure you that away from the Internet, less than a dozen people in my real life know anything about her. In my day-to-day life, she hardly exists but for the occasional tweets and messages. I don’t carry her bravery with me, or her brazen outlook online and ability to demonstrate unwavering confidence in who she is. Even though she is part of me, I’m still learning from her.
Trust me, if I was a narcissist, she’d be way more popular and I’d be way more out of the amateur porn closet, so to speak.
5. I have sexual esteem issues
I’m not sure where that idea comes from; that somehow I’m flawed and need the accolades provided by the online community. Maybe some people really do believe that the posting of photos and the small ego boost that comes from the interaction with those looking at them is the key to why I do it. They must have skipped the part about the nastiness – because that is far more prevalent on the Internet today than any kindness towards a 40-year old amateur model who just happens to think there’s nothing wrong with nudity. For every kind word and playful interaction, there is far more negativity. That’s the nature of the Internet today, and the true flaws within people.
But, I’ll offer this much about the sexual esteem: my relationship with my husband has given me far more sexual esteem than dabbling online. What you get to see are the benefits and insight into those experiences, not some desperate attempt to stroke my fragile ego.
6. I have no moral compass
Doing what I do does not make me a bad person. It does not mean I have no capacity for making responsible and sexually healthy decisions. It doesn’t prevent me from guiding my sons from little boys into decent young men (which they are, thank you very much). I’m actually a very good person … but somehow because I post naughty stuff online, I’m some sort of sexually delinquent miscreant. I guess possessing “good morals” doesn’t exclude those other people from being judgemental.
7. I fuck anything that moves
I suppose this is an extension of #6. I could go on at length about what this is a huge misconception, but I’m too busy sharing intimate moments with the only man who has had his penis in my vagina in the past 25 years … yep, one guy. That’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed a very adventurous sexual experience with men and women otherwise, but when it comes to hardcore mattress dancing, so far only one dance partner has made my dance card.
And no, I’m not taking volunteers. Regardless of what personal talent you may believe you have, if my position on this was ever to change, it would be strictly on my terms.
8. I have no offline life
I know where this one comes from … because many women online treat it as their only life. However, my online life is – and has been for some time – meant to serve as a simple distraction from the world I know and see on a daily basis. I don’t sit in wait, cell phone/camera in hand, expecting to answer your text/tweet/email/request/etc. right away. I actually spend some time in that parallel universe known as “reality.”
So, there you go, an utterly upbeat blog entry about some of the preconceived notions people have of me. I’m almost certain many of these same judgements could be applied to any amateur model. But I can say the one thing that isn’t a preconceived notion, my experience online has certainly given me a thicker skin.
I can’t say there’s an awful lot about me that would be considered “kinky.” I enjoy sex, and many variations of it, but I’m not a role-player type, definitely not a frequent dabbler in BDSM … and I’ve never been one for spanking, humiliation or degradation.
No, my sexual kinks may be more easily defined in the pursuit of vanilla sex in a less than conventional manner. I like it missionary, I like it doggy-style … I just want to explore with outside of the contemporary view of marriage and monogamy. Kink to me implies lots of leather and kitchen utensils; cosplay and characters – things I’m basically not turned on by.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have an open mind when it comes to whatever turns other people on. On the contrary, I’m rather intrigued by it all. And so, with this week’s TMI Tuesday, we have a few random kinks to work on … along with other thoughts.
1. You have been asked to organize a sex & kink weekend. Will you be more of a “hands-on” person or more of an “ideas” person?
I’m an idea person. I think my creativity far out-distances my willingness to be hands on.
2. Assuming you are the hands-on type at this weekend sex romp, and you’ve entered a tent to ‘play’ with a male/female couple. Would you like to be given clear instructions before you begin to ‘play’ or do you prefer to be given the general idea of the task and work it out your own way.
In situations where the “hands on” aspect is important, I still like to let the moment develop on its own. I’ve found if you stick to the “script” too closely, you’re more libel to miss out on what could have been because you were so focused on trying to ensure the moment followed the plan you laid out in the first place. You miss those little nuances that could take it in a whole different direction. The best things in life – especially when it comes to sex – come from those unexpected left turns.
3. True or False. “During sex, I like to hear and accept feedback.”
False. During sex I like to hear a little dirty talk, lots of moaning, groaning, heavy breathing and the occasional “Oh fuck yes!” However, AFTER sex, I’m all for a little post-mortem of the moment. Let’s find out what worked, what was hot … what was too much and what was “yeah, let’s never speak of that again.”
4. What are you wearing right now?
Seriously? What female blogger worth her weight in chiffon is NOT sitting at her computer answering these questions in an amazingly sexy lace teddy from (insert your favourite lingerie company) with garters, black stockings with the seam that runs all the way up the back and her favourite pair of patent-leather 5-inch stiletto heels? And while I’m pondering the answer to each question, I’m flirtatiously playing with my rhinestone necklace and wondering if I could get that unbelievable hot delivery guy to flirt with me tomorrow if I left my wedding rings at home.
But while you mull that over, I’ll just cuddle up with my laptop on the couch while wearing my comfy yoga pants and t-shirt. And yes, I have underwear on underneath, but I honestly can’t remember if it matches my bra.
5. I show loyalty to my lover by ________ .
Never hiding a thing from him when it comes to our sex life, my desires and my fantasies (mostly). I show loyalty by being unwaveringly open with him, sharing the responsibility of initiating conversation around our sexual (and non-sexual) life together.
But mostly by honouring the commitment we made to each other over 20 years ago; and working on our relationship in good times and even harder in bad times – and NEVER diminishing what we have worked so hard to create together.
Plus, he’s never once complained about the occasional blowjob …
6. Do you always have to argue?
If you argue fair, it can be productive and progressive … HOWEVER … if you communicate on an adult level all the time, and recognize that relationships are not scripted perfection, the arguments are actually more healthy discussions with less vocal volume. A healthy relationship, if you ask me, also includes a willingness to allow a difference of opinion without judgement AND an agreement to occasionally disagree.
BONUS: Pick up the closest book to you, open it to page 55. The first line on that page reads:
Document collaboration means working with others to create, review, and revise a document to achieve the best end result.
Sorry folks, just finished a computer course at college and my textbook was just that much closer than the collection of erotic fiction for women by women. But if it’s any consolation, I’ll probably read a bit of that tonight before bed and then masturbate to the thoughts swirling around in my imagination.
I saw a headline today that stated “Why swinging has become so popular” and, as a good headline should, it made me stop for a moment and think.
Now, full disclosure, I read the article and learned almost nothing from it. No statistical data to support the position – and worse, the photos used were of women, all under 25, in a party atmosphere. No men, no diversity; if it wasn’t for the champagne glasses the same images could have been used to promote a Sweet 16 party. In fact, the whole piece (other than being click-bait for a swingers’ organization and their subscription-based profile directories) contained no information on the lifestyle than anyone who has a reasonable sense of what “swinging” is could explain in a five-minute conversation.
Here’s why I don’t think “swinging is becoming so popular” …
My husband and I fall into a bit of awkward generation; combined with the nearly nine years difference in our ages. That, in itself, has made our lifestyle exploration a challenge. We both grew up in a time when the kind of youthful sexual openness generations below us seem to enjoy today did not exist. Our demographic had guilt-plagued one-night stands, while younger generations now have no-strings “hook-ups.” Our sexual discovery during our youth was halted by the discovery of AIDS, and a sudden realization that sex could now be dangerous. Condoms weren’t sexy, they were awkwardly necessary.
And these days I also suspect that our mindset is probably one shared by many couples – “are we attractive enough to be doing this?” If you consider the promotion material for the swinging lifestyle, then no, we don’t fit into the target demographic. Which may be one of its biggest downfalls – from the breast-implanted gorgeous blonde in the Jamaican resort pool flirting with the 0% body-fat bodybuilder dude through to the night club images of 20-somethings grinding on the dance floor – the perception of the lifestyle may scare many people away. It would take me a year of hardcore fitness training before I’d consider an island vacation at such a place, if that’s the expectation of what swingers are.
Our first foray into the lifestyle began – after a few years of healthy sexual conversation – with what I would believe to be a fairly common method of introduction: a visit to a “swingers club.” Far from what we expected, but not necessarily a bad thing.
In all honesty, the clubs we have attended – and it has been a little while since our last visit to one – I can’t say that there was wildly open atmosphere. What a lot of people who write about swinging don’t tell you is that it’s an exceptionally difficult lifestyle to become involved with … and I don’t mean the concept of physical intimacy. Our experience, spread out over a six-year period, really just revealed that swinging is a massively cliquey lifestyle. And even when you try to take the initiative to immerse yourself in the experience, it’s a challenge to find a degree of comfort.
What we did experience was that, if and when you find another couple with whom you can experiment and explore, the lifestyle clubs provide a space to turn up the heat. And truth be told, I never got the impression that the clubs in our area were anything more than that: a meeting place to go and feel sexually free for an evening. Just don’t go expecting to be welcomed into the fold with open arms. The responsibility to mingle falls solely on your own shoulders – which brings things full circle back to trying to crack the clique.
Some will say these clubs offer a sexual freedom that traditional night clubs don’t; that women are free and safe from the boorish behaviour some men can exhibit in other establishments. And, for the most part, that is true. However, our experience in the clubs also showed that while the “scenery” is more interesting, the socialization isn’t on the same level.
Adding to challenge of the atmosphere is that the majority of clubs we attended employed DJs who somehow thought “retro” meant early-2000s hip hop. On many nights the dance floor would offer more space than a bulldozer needed because only a few women and almost no men would attempt to groove to the temple-pounding “thump” of songs no one knew. Conversation was made even more difficult because of the volume, with the exception of the occasional ice-breaking line of “What the fuck is this? Music?”
And there’s a persistent skepticism about the lifestyle outside of the night clubs. We’ve met couples online – again, not a horrible experience, but as I have said in my blog many times: it’s hard enough when dating to find the chemistry between two people, never mind four. Most of the couples we met were lovely people – just not sexually compatible.
But, the online experience requires even more diligence than the in-person social events. Many times we have encountered couples where when “push comes to shove” you learn that the wife in the arrangement hasn’t exactly been apprised of all the details. Makes for an awkward “first date.”
Keep in mind that this is only my personal experience, based on a somewhat “brief” tenure in exploring a sexual interest. I can’t say we’ve given up on the idea, but certainly have put it on the back burner while we focus on other aspects of life.
Which brings me to the question the headline should really answer: Is swinging becoming more popular? I certainly can’t say for sure – but what I have discovered over the past year is that from a statistical point of view, the number of people willing to openly admit they are in the lifestyle hasn’t really peaked past four per cent of those surveyed. I can say this much, swinging is a commitment – and a commitment beyond your relationship with your partner. It’s not a lifestyle that I think most people just “fall into.” From what I’ve seen and experienced, it takes a very healthy and determined amount of extrovertism to make it work; and an understanding that many “swingers” you encounter along the way may harbour a slight reluctance to open themselves up to you on a social level long before they’ll consider things on a sexual level.
Maybe the lifestyle is evolving in these modern times; as the sexually-free youth grow into adults and take their college habits with them. I only see it as a lifestyle that remains a mystery to a small town girl with big city sexual ambitions.