Monthly Archives: August 2011
The other day I posted this slightly silly Tweet about how the more men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to develop prostate cancer. Of course, I was saying this with every heart-felt intention, because I want all you guys to have healthy prostates.
Now, I have no clue as to how many times between those ages you guys are supposed to ejaculate … I guess it may be in proportion to how you spend your time. Once a day, twice … hourly? But, I was amused at how some of you replied to my little nonsense.
First off, I do enjoy watching a guy do that to himself. There is part of me that is fascinated by the act, probably because I think female masturbation must be incredibly boring for you to watch. And I made that comment out loud, in passing to my husband who then proceeded to explain that female masturbation is anything but boring to watch … it all depends on the sex toy being employed at the time.
Personally, my all-time out-of-the-park homerun hitting toy is my pocket rocket. With a fresh battery this thing is guaranteed to rock my brains and naughty bits in a matter of minutes. Then, as the battery begins to lose a bit of its juice, and the vibrations soften a bit, it reaches a delightfully taunting stage where it requires a bit more effort, taking a bit more time. A variety of orgasmic results all in one tiny little package.
Anyway, in honour of some masturbatory moments … and in inspiration of your prostate health, I came up with a bit of a list comparing descriptions of solo acts for him and her:
Bash the bishop – beat off – beat (one’s) meat – buck the slobbering donkey – choke the chicken – cook up a batch – crack one off – double-click the mouse – flick the bean – flog the bishop – flog the log – go to the bank – have a date with Rosie Palmer – have a date with Rosie Palmer and her five sisters – have a tug of war with Cyclops – have a wank – hump the fist – jack off – jerk it – jerk off – jerk the gherkin – jerk the johnson – junior Olympic pole vaulting – master debater – paint the ceiling – pet the bunny – play pocket pinball – play with yourself – pluck the twanger – plunk your twanger – polish your knob – polish the family jewels – pound your pud – pudwhack – pud wrestle – pull your pud – pull the pud – punch the clown – punch the munchkin – punish percy – rough up the suspect – rub one off – sap the maple – self-abuse – self-love – sex with someone you love – skin off – slap the salami – smack Lester – snap – spank – spank it – spank the monkey – stranger – stroke it – stroke the salami – torque it – toss – tosser – toss off – wack off – wank – wanker – wank it – wank off – wax the dolphin – whack it – whack off – yank it.
Auditioning the finger puppets – beating around the bush – brushing the beaver – carpet bumping – clam bake for one – creamin’ – dialing the rotary phone – dousing the digits – drilling for oil – fanning the fur – feeding the bearded clam – fingerpainting – flickin’ the bean – flit your clit – frap – gagging the clam – get a date with slick mittens – get to know yourself – going mining – groping the grotto – greasing your hips – gusset typing – hitchhiking south – jill off – kill a kitten – let the fingers do the walkin’ – manual override – muffin buffin’ – nulling the void – paddling the pink canoe – pampering the pussy – parting the red sea – pearl fishing – pet the pussy cat – polishing the pearl – play poker – playing with her pineapple – pussy soccer – riding the unicycle – rolling the dough – rub one out – rubbin’ the nubbin – soaking the whisker biscuit – spelunking – spearing the bearded clam – squeeze the peach – strumming the banjo – surfing the channel – teasing the tuna taco – the virgin’s release – tickling the taco – tiptoe through the twolips – toggling the bit – tossing pink salad – trolling the bermuda triangle – two finger taco tango – washing your fingers.
Either way … enjoy your day. I know I will.
Hey guys, I have ventured out into the realm of “writer” beyond my silly little thoughts on here and the occasionally witty comment on Twitter. One of my Twitter friends has her own business selling non-piercing body jewelry, and so I have written an article on some of it for her. Please check it out and visit her store if you get the chance.
After looking around at her site I have decided that I am going to get something to wear for myself … now I only need to figure out what. As someone who had a pierced nipple, but had to remove the ring, I have had a little moment of sadness every now and then over not having that naughty secret under my bra anymore.
And then there was the really funky sensation when someone would play with it. That was the one thing, if you recall from a previous blog, that really opened the door on my bisexual inclinations!
So, any suggestions? I like the heart-shaped nipple ring.
Here’s the start of my piece for her:
One of the great things about our culture right now is that more and more women are finding the confidence and enthusiasm for expressing exactly who they are. And a big part of that is in expressing sensuality and sexuality, whether in the board room or the bedroom.
Take a look around. The hemlines remain above the knee, heels are back in style, and women are loving the chance to feel sexy and be sexy. And when a woman has that confidence to carry herself that way, she also loves the idea of accessories that enhance her look – and even touch on those naughty desires boiling deep inside her.
Accessories are something that allow a woman to explore her individuality, from the simplest bangle to all those hot and sexy things you can’t see.
Piercing may not be something for everyone, and depending on which body part is going to be adorned, healing time may be anywhere from a couple weeks to several months. And this is why something sexy like non-piercing nipple jewelry is an excellent choice for keeping something naughty underneath – and hidden until the time is right for the big reveal.
Read the rest here: Nipple Jewelry
Winston Churchill said those things about finding a way to succeed in life. Sadly, my kite blew away last night … and I’m not talking about success. It was damn windy here.
We had some wicked storms blow through – including several places near me under a tornado warning. With all that wind and rain, Mother Nature took my opportunity (my Internet last night) to get this week’s planned update sent in to my website. So big apologies to everyone who was waiting to see my newest set and all the naughty bits.
I also have a new video blog ready to go for you, talking about my thoughts on why men like porn! Here’s a bit of SGK: we like it too!
Update 355 will be going up sometime next week. I don’t like updating on Mondays, so I’m aiming for around mid-week. In the meantime, here is a little sneak peek at what to expect!
You guys pretty much know me by now, and my reluctant addiction to trashy advice magazines and silly sex statistics. This last one really had me just rolling my eyes uncontrollably; thinking that somewhere out there someone is calling themselves a journalist for writing this junk.
The piece in question was called “Steal Celebrity Couples’ Secrets.” Alrighty…steal advice on how to make a marriage last, what 50 hours? Or how to allow your husband to get you hooked on illegal substances and then beat the crap out of you, Whitney? Better yet, “marry me hot young thing, I’m 80 and have one foot in the grave.”
I’m sorry, but looking to today’s crop of pop culture celebrities is hardly sage advice for a successful relationship. It’s hard to even remotely see any credibility in this when, let’s see Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are held up as shining examples of a healthy celebrity relationship. Their “on-again, off-again, didn’t she do Shia LaBeouf last year” relationship is hardly one built on a strong foundation of commitment. And then there’s “you can’t prove I did” nanny-diddler David Beckham and “someone buy her a sandwich” Posh Spice.
I guess the second instalment of the article will include a relationship testimonial from Arnold Schwartzenegger and “How to get your man” tips from Angelina Jolie.
As I watch one of my best friend’s marriage dismantle right now, I hardly think that our relationship role models can be found among many of the tabloid headliners these days. And it frustrates me to think that there might be even one person out there that thinks the secret to marital bliss is found in Hollywood, where everything from the plot lines to bra sizes are fake.
I have said times over the past 10 months that I have been sharing with you guys that my marriage is a marvellous thing. It’s not bragging by any means, but almost a life statement. My hubby and I have seen our share of dark days – including a moment when we each seriously believed our relationship was over.
But we did something that it seems too few people are doing. We worked hard to make it past those differences and repaired what needed to be. Luckily, we came out of all that with a much stronger relationship and a mutual desire to pursue a life of adventure and great sex together.
If I am to base my relationship on what the secrets of the celebrity couples are, then I can say it is doomed beyond belief.
Don’t believe me? Here’s the “expert” advice trashed out by these “pillars” of marital bliss:
- The Beckhams – power yoga. Posh says it’s better than talking. I’ve heard her sing…she might be on to something here.
- Brian Austin Green – TiVO. Apparently Megan records his favourite shows. I’m pretty impressed too. Who knew she could figure out the remote?
- Ashton Kutcher – Demi says he leaves sticky notes around the house. I assume it doesn’t say “Dude, where’s my car?” on any of them. I know he also saw G.I. Jane…when she kicked the shit out of the “dude.”
- Hilary Duff – sends pics of her in the buff to her hockey-playing hubby. I guess when you shower with other men, you might need a reminder of what a woman looks like naked.
- Katy Perry – won’t wear sweats to bed. Oh yeah, that’s one for the next edition of the Joy of Sex.
I’m sorry, but there’s nothing here that truly reveals a successful formula for a lasting marriage. If you really want to know what the secret is – it’s simple. Don’t keep secrets. Talk, share, fantasize together, worship your love, don’t be afraid to use a bucket-load of lube and suitcase full of sex toys.
Oh, and bring a healthy does of humour and sarcasm to anyone that says different!
And in case you’ve got it in mind…I’m not ranting. It’s only Wednesday!