Category Archives: Communication
A burning question that’s been in my inbox for … about five years (I started out on my blog with a lot of really good intentions!): How do I get my shy husband to try something a little wilder with me?
I guess that might depend on your version of “wild.”
I don’t think it’s any secret that a common theme runs through all the stuff I post on here – when you want to do anything, change anything, try anything, stop anything in a sexual relationship, you need to communicate. The only way to keep a relationship healthy is by talking to each other and keeping an open mind – even if it means you’re closing the door on a specific experience.
It’s never easy trying to coax anyone into leaving their comfort zone. My husband has invested 26 years in slowly (and occasionally, quickly) helping me expand and explore my own limits. We’ve tried things I would have never imagined, and some that I never imagined would leave my imagination.
Getting me into this adventure started with a lot of small steps, all of which were great ways to gradually spice up our marriage. We didn’t take a huge leap right into many of the experiences we’ve had, but played them out in our mutual fantasies, often as post-sex conversation … sometimes mid-sex conversation. He was very encouraging for me to open up about my thoughts, and gradually let him in on some of the fantasies I never dreamed I could ever share.
He did a lot of simple things to set that stage – created fun little question and answer games, romantic dinners with a twist. For example, on one birthday, he created a sort of scavenger hunt for me: When I got to my car at work there was a set of envelopes on my seat, numbered. I had to follow each one, in order, before the final destination. He thought of everything to make it easy, a little challenging, but fun as hell. Starting at a lingerie shop for underwear, right through to an outfit and shoes; by the time I met him, I was completely made-up, dressed up and ready for a date.
At Christmas, he put together a “naughty list” stocking for me – which I would open on Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed. It was filled with fun adult gifts and naughty toys, all designed to add a little more sexual excitement to the end of a very stressful month (December is always a toughie).
Along the journey to helping me discover a new sexual side, he encouraged me to let go of the hang-ups I had. I can’t tell you how terrifying it was at first to admit to him about the flirtatious experiences I was enjoying online and at work. There were bumps along the way, more conversations, a bit of back and forth … and it was work. It took effort to not crawl back into my shell and plod along in life never testing the waters again.
Without question, it had to be a challenge for him too. It takes a certain kind of man to shed his own insecurities and let trust take over. I know he struggled at times as well … but he always told me how much more rewarding it was to see his wife developing into an exciting, confident and sexually-engaged woman than it was to remain in a relationship of mundane suburban cohabitation (his words).
My husband gradually introduced ‘new’ things to our relationship as my own comfort level and interest emerged from the depths of my mind. A touch stereotypical, it included lingerie for the bedroom, stiletto heels that would never been seen on me in public, sex toys. We played with the video camera and (pre-digital) the Polaroid camera. All that helped me see, in his eyes, how sexy he thought I was.
It’s amazing how much your sexual confidence grows when you see and hear constant reinforcement from someone you love dearly. Knowing I could be open and vulnerable allowed me to find more of that sexual confidence and my desire to blossom. Once the seal was broken, I wanted even more.
For me, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing from that point on, but more about no longer being afraid to try. I didn’t feel there would be some sort of humiliation or retribution. I had a sense of confidence and freedom to not only participate in some of his ideas for us as a couple, but introduce him to mine. What began as his efforts to get me to be more adventurous turned into a journey we shared.
As I slowly immerse myself back into blogging and trying to breathe some life into this ol’ thing, my mind has been drifting towards the “comfortable go-to” topic of sexual fantasies. I guess part of me believes it’s a subject a lot of you are interested in hearing about – plus, part of me is convinced you’re not that interested in reading about my laundry, dinner-making or Taxi-Mom attributes that truly dominate my life right now.
The other day I revisited the idea of why I think it’s important for couples to share their sexual fantasies. Some ‘experts’ in the field of relationships caution against sharing. They believe that opening up on a subject that is founded solely on imagination can poke the dragon of real jealousy. I tend to disagree, because I like to think that in order for a relationship to reach its full potential, both parties much be willing to be vulnerable – and trusting.
Again, it’s about the communication and understanding of what makes your partner “tick.” In the end, I think you’ll know if your relationship is healthy enough to explore the darkest corners of your partner’s psyche.
Three tactics to get her to share her fantasies
You’ll need to really put some serious thought into this initial tactic – and it doesn’t need to be a secluded table for two in that hoity-toity restaurant you drive by on the way to grab a burger and fries. The idea is the seclusion – but lots of couples can accomplish that at home too. In fact, making a nice meal for her and hiding your cell phone in the cutlery drawer for a whole night may be the kind of connection she’s looking for.
Showing her that you’re serious about listening to her will help her begin to open up. Once a woman has confidence that she won’t be judged for her imagination, she might just make the leap towards letting you inside for a look around. Any hint of jealousy – or worse, mockery – will make her close up even more and chances are you’ll never get the opportunity again.
Time away from real life
An extended long weekend at a resort can be an amazing way to restart those sexual fires. When you remove the reminders of real life – the laundry piles, the dirty dishes – it’s amazing how the mind can be free to explore. There’s been a lot of different studies on how a new environment can fan the flames of sexual excitement – and let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a hot and sweaty fuck in a hotel room every now and then.
Another big part to squirreling her away for a weekend – it puts both of you into a new setting, level ground so to speak. Stepping away from the distractions will help you rediscover the fun and intimacy. Again, just make sure you’re demonstrating a commitment to hearing her – leave the cellular gadgets out of reach and connect on a human level with your partner for 48 hours. You’ll be amazed at how much that can influence what she shares with you.
No, this isn’t a ridiculous suggestion. Let’s be honest, women do carry a big responsibility for the household. That’s not me throwing out gender stereotypes – because I know there are guys who do help around the house – but there are a lot of women out there who feel the need to not only shatter the glass ceiling in the corporate world, but make sure it’s free of smudges and fingerprints at home. For a lot of us in a certain generation, we grew up with mothers who were of that first generation mutlitasker career woman/housewife. And we were exposed to the household inbalance, which can be a bit of a struggle to shed.
This one isn’t just meant as a one-off, either. Consistent help, and consistent surprises of discovering those most-hated chores have been done without you being asked to do them will go a long way in helping her put her mind at ease. Which gives her more time to allow her imagination to wander. A stress-free mind can be a delightfully dangerous thing … not to mention, naughty.
And one suggestion – that in my opinion – won’t help…
It’s pretty simple, really. Your fantasy may be to get her to dress up a little more sexy; whereas she is struggling with her own sense of self and body image. You need to have a good understanding of how her imagination fires, and what gets her libido going. What you think is a fairly standard sexual fantasy may be far-removed from what she really desires.
The only way you’ll gain that understanding is by relying on the one tactic that never fails – especially when combined with patience: communication.
There’s always that nagging little voice in the back of a lot of people’s heads that says “you probably shouldn’t…”
I first wrote about this very idea some five years ago … and at a time when it seems my imagination was much more on fire. Ah, how time and life conspire against us to quell the naughtiness. That and a house full of inquisitive teenage boys.
Actually, I don’t think that my opinion on sharing fantasies has changed – and I’m not even sure my own fantasies have changed…much. Maybe some have become tainted with a bit too much reality, but that isn’t to say I’ve given up on them.
More of what I think these days is around the opportunity to share those thoughts and ideas. For me, it’s easy to be more open minded and sexually astute when my libido is high. But when life turns and you struggle to even find brief moments of intimacy in a spinning schedule, it can be a challenge to “feel” the fantasy, never mind talk about it. When your days are murky with work stresses and the routine of raising a family, etc., it’s hard to get in the creative mood.
I think that’s also why things slowed down with this blog…it’s hard to keep the focus on those sexually intriguing aspects of life when your mind is bogged down with the mundane.
So, in a way, it becomes even more important to make the most of the opportunities when they do arise – and keeping the commitment to “life-long, marriage-strong” communication.
Communication is what will keep things on track for when those doors open again. And, by understanding what continues to inspire each others’ imagination is key to keeping the marriage alive during these busy, mind-numbing real-life slumps.
The caution, of course, is in how those fantasies may be interpreted. If life is so busy you can’t connect as a couple, will the other person see you sexual distractions as a sign of infidelity/boredom/need to break away? How do you achieve that balance? That’s a really good question – and I’d love to hear your ideas.
Of course, I’m not the most perfect example of following my own advice. I think if you asked my husband today about my sexual fantasies he would, at least, be able to give Version 1.0. The updates, maybe not so much at the moment.
Consider this for a moment, you’re on the brink of your sexual peak and there’s an incredible world of orgasmic opportunity awaiting you; what’s the best advice you’ve received?
It’s an interesting question, because most of us may not truly recognize that the best advice is the best advice. Our friends tell us to “experiment” … which isn’t a bad thing. Our mothers tell us to “wait until you’re married” … which may not be a bad thing for some people. If you’re Catholic, the church tells us “you’ll go to hell” … which some of us (OK, maybe just me) already have reserved seating anyway.
The reality is, for as many of us participating in a healthy sexual lifestyle, there are just as many tidbits of good advice to be heeded.
The whole idea of best sex advice came about during a radio program I was recently listening to, where the hosts invited people to call in and share (within broadcastable reason) the things they had been told. Pretty much all of the above was covered, along with a few other funny ones – but I didn’t hear the one thing that I wished someone would have told me way back when:
Don’t be surprised if your sexual tastes change.
It’s really a simple idea, when you get right down to it. Much like our appetite for food, drink and music (among many other things) our sexual interests are going to evolve as we get older and gain more experience. But very few people seem to be open about the idea of “what you like now may not be what you like later.”
As girls, we certainly hear the “it gets better” about traditional intercourse; mostly because the experience of losing our virginity is: a) somewhat painful/uncomfortable and b) often very, very bad sex with a teenage boy way too anxious to notch his bedpost and tell his friends.
For me, as I have mentioned in my blog before, I spent the first decade of my sexual maturity (I’m pegging 16 as the start date for that, just sayin’) repressing certain desires/interests/thoughts. As a young adult, even moving into my early 20s, I would have never admitted that I was curious about women. And the same goes for exploring outside the bounds of conventional monogamy.
The surprise for me was the meeting and marriage to a man who would stand behind me to allow all of that to come out freely. I have also said before that had it not been for meeting my husband, there is a whole world of sexual exploration that would have never happened.
And no one tells you that is the way it’s supposed to be. No one seems to tell you that you are allowed to have desires/interests/thoughts of your own – and there is nothing wrong with them. Too many people seem to fall into the trap of “this is the way it is, and the way it’s supposed to be.” Thankfully I escaped that fate.
Because of the openness and support, I have been allowed to discover what I like and I what I don’t. My sexual tastes have been allowed to evolve as they should – and pave the path to many more yet to come. At 40, my sexual tastes are far more wonderful than they were at 20.
So, don’t be surprised if your sexual tastes change – and don’t let someone else prevent them from doing so.
When I launched my website back in 2002, I never imagined I would still be doing it today. And while 13 years may not seem like a lot, in the “amateur porn” industry, it really is a lifetime. You guys have watched me evolve, both physically and emotionally, through a very key part of my adult life – from my mid-20s to now. And even though “Andee” is a small part of who I really am, she is also an important part of how I arrived at so many experiences and friendships.
And, equally so, there remains many misconceptions surrounding amateur porn, “Andee” and my life because of it.
8 utterly false things about me that people think are true
1. Since I have an adult website, I must also be an escort/prostitute
I’m not sure what it is about some people, but when they discover a woman who has some very … boring … reasons to dabble in the opportunity presented by the Internet (ie, adult photos), they automatically assume that she is available for hire for sexual services; that somehow, because I get naked for the camera, I have no qualms about giving it up to any man with a few shekels in his pocket. My website is not an invitation for sex; it really is a much more boring reality: I wanted to explore my exhibitionist side. I have never exchanged sexual services for money, nor do I have any intention of doing so in the future.
Please stop asking.
2. I’m oblivious to the nasty comments
In all the time I have been playing on the Internet, this is the one thing that I have never gotten used to and never truly understood. Without question, I have made some wonderful friends online – people that I may never meet face-to-face. These men and women have come to know me much better through the marvels of the Internet. But unfortunately, I have also discovered others who have nothing better to do than send the most vile and hate-filled words. I’ve been called almost every imaginable degrading label you can apply to a woman, accused of breaking up marriages and had threats made against me – all of that anonymously, of course.
But I have to accept that the same Internet that allows me to freely explore and express my sexuality in a somewhat “anonymous” fashion also affords the trolls the same anonymity to disperse their vitriol under the guise of freedom of speech.
3. It’s all about the money
Truth be told, it’s almost the complete opposite. I started my website – and my very first posts online before then – as a way to create a bit of fun and spice in my marriage. Even today, some several thousand photographs later, our sessions are still about us and our marital fun – which explains some of the time lapse between the updates.
As for the making money part, I’m terrible at promoting my own website compared to some of the other women I have encountered in this “business.” The fact that I do reap a small reward for my nudity isn’t the motivator – if it was about money, I’d probably have found a much more lucrative way to make it (see #1).
4. I’m a narcissist
“Andee” is a character that has been created and developed over the past 13 years. My driver’s licence doesn’t say “Andee.” Sure, a big part of who she is comes from my personal experiences, but I can assure you that away from the Internet, less than a dozen people in my real life know anything about her. In my day-to-day life, she hardly exists but for the occasional tweets and messages. I don’t carry her bravery with me, or her brazen outlook online and ability to demonstrate unwavering confidence in who she is. Even though she is part of me, I’m still learning from her.
Trust me, if I was a narcissist, she’d be way more popular and I’d be way more out of the amateur porn closet, so to speak.
5. I have sexual esteem issues
I’m not sure where that idea comes from; that somehow I’m flawed and need the accolades provided by the online community. Maybe some people really do believe that the posting of photos and the small ego boost that comes from the interaction with those looking at them is the key to why I do it. They must have skipped the part about the nastiness – because that is far more prevalent on the Internet today than any kindness towards a 40-year old amateur model who just happens to think there’s nothing wrong with nudity. For every kind word and playful interaction, there is far more negativity. That’s the nature of the Internet today, and the true flaws within people.
But, I’ll offer this much about the sexual esteem: my relationship with my husband has given me far more sexual esteem than dabbling online. What you get to see are the benefits and insight into those experiences, not some desperate attempt to stroke my fragile ego.
6. I have no moral compass
Doing what I do does not make me a bad person. It does not mean I have no capacity for making responsible and sexually healthy decisions. It doesn’t prevent me from guiding my sons from little boys into decent young men (which they are, thank you very much). I’m actually a very good person … but somehow because I post naughty stuff online, I’m some sort of sexually delinquent miscreant. I guess possessing “good morals” doesn’t exclude those other people from being judgemental.
7. I fuck anything that moves
I suppose this is an extension of #6. I could go on at length about what this is a huge misconception, but I’m too busy sharing intimate moments with the only man who has had his penis in my vagina in the past 25 years … yep, one guy. That’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed a very adventurous sexual experience with men and women otherwise, but when it comes to hardcore mattress dancing, so far only one dance partner has made my dance card.
And no, I’m not taking volunteers. Regardless of what personal talent you may believe you have, if my position on this was ever to change, it would be strictly on my terms.
8. I have no offline life
I know where this one comes from … because many women online treat it as their only life. However, my online life is – and has been for some time – meant to serve as a simple distraction from the world I know and see on a daily basis. I don’t sit in wait, cell phone/camera in hand, expecting to answer your text/tweet/email/request/etc. right away. I actually spend some time in that parallel universe known as “reality.”
So, there you go, an utterly upbeat blog entry about some of the preconceived notions people have of me. I’m almost certain many of these same judgements could be applied to any amateur model. But I can say the one thing that isn’t a preconceived notion, my experience online has certainly given me a thicker skin.