Category Archives: Communication
With my recent post about sexual boundaries, I was asked to share what mine are and why.
There are some really easy moral ones that I hope the vast majority of us have – legal / consent / species. Pretty straightforward – it has to be legal (including age), it has to be consensual and can not involve any living (or dead) non-human beings.
Clear lines there, no room for debate. Let’s set that aside as the foundation here.
Probably the biggest boundary beyond those would be pain. I’m not excited by pain, nor am I into inflicting it for sexual purposes. I don’t mind a bit of rough play, a little edge – heck, even that tiny early pain involved in anal – but definitely nothing that leaves a mark or draws blood.
In terms of BDSM, I’m like a lot of others – after 50 Shades of Grey, I was intrigued. I dabbled and certainly don’t mind a little soft bondage. To me that can be very exciting – but it has to be consensual and respectful.
I’m not into degradation. I’ve said it before, my role-playing is generally reserved for the very common photo illustrations of schoolgirl, French maid, sexy secretary, etc. But I’m also very honest about my poor acting skills. You won’t find me insulting my sex partner, or being subjected to that kind of degradation. Calling me certain names (slut, cunt, bitch) are real mood killers.
I’m not into ‘water sports’ or other body fluids/excrement outside of cum. Some body functions are best reserved for the privacy of the toilet.
Infidelity, hook ups, dating/sex outside of marriage are also out. If you’re a loyal reader of my blog, you’ll know I have been on this journey with the love, support and encouragement of my husband. That includes dabbling in the swinging lifestyle and exploring a sexual opportunity with a dear friend and coworker. My husband has been there for it all. I’m not in this to meet anyone, for random sex or to replace what I have. I’m the luckiest girl on the planet already.
There are things that are often negotiable, depending on the moment, my level of desire/horniness and the nature of the request. Anal, for example … and facials.
Overall, the boundaries I have are more about my comfort and desire. Although I’ve been a little off tack in this journey, it is still very much a journey of discovery and challenges the limitations of my imagination. It’s about living my best life – including having the best sex.
Something that comes up every now and then is the subject of sexual fantasies. Over the years, I’ve shared some of mine (let’s be honest, we all have one or six that we’ll just keep to ourselves) and I’ve had plenty of discussions with others about theirs.
The Internet is a marvel for the discovery of all the odds and ends of what floats people’s boats. And if I know anything about sexual fantasies it’s that no matter what you think, no matter what your kink, you are not alone. There’s a real likelihood that someone shares the exact same fantasy.
Let’s be honest, the internet is also a marvel for giving an outlet to the truly bizarre as well – but in it, we find not just an outlet for our imagination, we also find the opportunity for security and understanding.
My sexual fantasies are, for the most part, just what you might expect. They’re somewhat run-of-the-mill; most involve somewhat normal sexual interactions. You won’t have me morphing into some oddity, a giantess or a mythical goddess. Sorry if that’s what you were hoping for, but despite how active and naughty my imagination is … my fantasies remain firm in me being a very normal, sexually curious woman.
Of course, it’s easy to say that I likely fall into a large group of women (and men) who are fired up by the idea of what others may consider as ‘vanilla.’
On the other end of the spectrum, over 17 years of sharing my sexual self online, l have encountered people with very different sexual fantasies. From alien sex abductions to bestiality to body fluids/functions to Greek mythology, people have shared back … and these days, seldom is it something I haven’t yet heard. In the beginning of my internet amateur porn days, some of these ideas – frankly – were alarming. The young naive small town girl in me never imagined that some things would be sexual triggers for others. Now I know different. (Please don’t take that as a challenge … seriously, I’m okay with being the sharer)
Fantasies are healthy, and allow us to play stories in our minds where we are the leading character … where we are in control of the plot, and our desires. There’s lots of research that supports the position that having fantasies is also very normal.
What I have also learned is there are online communities which allow those with less vanilla interests to share and get a sense of their own normality, which I think is also healthy. Having an outlet to share, to communicate and safely explore your sexual fantasies is important not only to a person’s ongoing mental health … but also to the adventure of discovery.
No matter what we might think, we’re not alone in that journey.
This is something that came up quite a long time ago, and I’m not sure there’s any more clarity today than there was back then.
When I first disclosed that I considered myself to be bisexual, I was asked what was the one aspect of my sexuality that I understood the least. A challenging question, because I’m not too sure my thoughts on it are about my sexuality, or just plain psychology. Even then, I’m now at the age where experience and confidence play a much bigger role in defining my sexuality.
Most definitely, something I understood the least was my apprehension to be open about it – and just let myself see where the moment would take me.
At the height of those days of discovery, my curiosity drove me the most. My desire to try new things and uncover a different part of myself far outweighed any fear I had. In my mind I wondered why I had been so reluctant. Of course, the answers were all very logical: I was raised in a staunch Catholic house, in a small town where every sin and indiscretion becomes front page news. I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience…but I did have a very supportive and encouraging husband. His confidence in me and our relationship cleared the way.
These days a lot of that is behind me. The circumstances of my life have changed a great deal of the adventure I set out on 17 years ago. The reality of being a mother, wife and career woman became all-encompassing and the availability to explore diminished. It hasn’t changed who I am, but it has pushed me in a different direction.
Is the least understood thing that I’m not sure I will go back down that path … or is it that I’m still feeling very detached from the woman I was not that long ago?
For almost as long as I’ve been writing for you, and doing my little social media thing, I’ve advocated the importance of communication in relationships. I’ve encouraged anyone who follows me on here to work on improving how they talk to their partner, and what to talk about. Hopefully it’s helped; and I love hearing/reading/seeing the questions that still find their way to me.
How do you feel about fantasies that involve someone other than your partner?
Well, if you look back at most of what I’ve shared about my sexual fantasies, you’ll see that pretty much all of my fantasies involve someone other than my husband. From my journal-type entries here through to my erotica collections, there’s not an awful lot about my husband.
Does that mean I don’t fantasize about him? Not at all. I do … a lot. But my fantasies that are strictly about my husband are kind of boring in comparison to some of the others. Well, at least maybe boring for you. Those fantasies are probably closer to daydreams, fond memories of recent sexual moments or distracted thoughts to beat back the mundane part of the day.
What may stand out as different from other women though, is that I’m very open with him about my fantasies that don’t include him. He knows about all those naughty thoughts that go through my mind, in very intimate detail. More times than not, sharing those fantasies with him has benefited me in some rather orgasmic ways.
The reality is, all of us have fantasies that involve other people. Some may be just simple passing thoughts on the subway or at the office when we see someone attractive, others may be incredibly more complex. I have both kinds.
The difficult part is being vulnerable enough with your partner to share your fantasies – and to have a relationship based on trust and love. We’ve worked hard to create a marriage where we can talk to each other and expose our deepest, sometimes darkest, thoughts without judging.
As a “people person” I’m intrigued by others. I love to watch people, I love to use my imagination … and I love to let my imagination cross boundaries quite a bit. Because, after all, it is just my imagination. It’s not real action, infidelity or … these days … a swinging lifestyle.
In my opinion, having fantasies about other people is very normal.
It’s been a while since I found myself in a position of discovering something new sexually. I think my long break in updating my blog is a pretty accurate clue as to the fact nothing new has been happening on that front.
It’s something I’ve had a number of conversations about over the years – online and in person:
Why sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think …
As sexual beings, we’re driven by our needs for intimacy and intercourse. On a base level, it’s a natural act of procreation … on an emotional level it’s an act of validation and humanity. And while most of us go about our business within the defined societal rules for sexual interaction, there’s always that thought in the back of your mind about pushing the limits. I’m not talking about breaking laws here … or even breaking hearts. But there are those thoughts that drive our desires for discovering something new.
Quite simply, it’s the fear of the unknown.
It doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was a pretty average, monogamous woman content with her marriage and sex life. I came into my relationship with limited sexual experience and no designs on taking it to any outrageous heights. I was a little naïve and I was happy just getting laid.
I’ve said before that if it wasn’t for my husband, I probably would have never tried anything close to what I have in life – and you certainly wouldn’t even be reading about it. I would still be that girl being happy she was getting laid.
Thankfully, and lovingly, he has pushed me to try new things and new experiences. He showed me that there really is an awful lot more in life than just being happy getting laid.
When I first began to embrace the idea of adding a new degree of spark to my marriage, I absolutely had an enormous amount of fear. I was afraid that we may “go too far” and “what if we do something that affects our relationship”. Jealousy, infidelity … talent and ability; all of that crossed my mind in the many conversations we had in the beginning. I really struggled with the idea that we may cross a line that we couldn’t erase.
But I was hooked on the idea. I was hooked on the idea that I could be happy being the girl who was more than just getting laid.
And after finding the momentary bravery – often fuelled by a hint of liquid courage – I immersed myself in those experiences without trying to think ahead. And what I soon discovered was that the fear of even beginning was way bigger than any of the “fallout” after the fact.
In fact, I soon figured out that one of the easiest ways to overcome the doubt was the orgasmic release that resulted from the encounters. The bigger challenge wasn’t living in the moment and enjoying the sexually-charged atmosphere – it was trying to not over-think the experience.
By the time you get to the point where intimacy is going to be a reality, you’ve already made up your mind that there’s enough curiosity, desire and chemistry for something to happen.
As people, I think once we venture into a moment of sensuality, the feelings of intimacy begin to take over. That soft kiss on the thigh begins to draw out a stronger sense of desire, which in turn, takes your mind away from your doubts. By the time you feel the hot breath of a new partner on your body, and tongues and fingers in places only your husband has been … you’ve begun to discover there’s not a lot to be feared.
To discover that you like sex just for the sake of having sex is liberating; to discover you like the taste of another woman and the softness of her kisses erases a lifetime of sexual repression. Of course, it doesn’t mean your love and ability to maintain intimacy with your partner has been replaced. It means you’ve figured out a way to overcome doubt and the human emotions of fear and jealousy. It means you defeated someone else’s standards for how you should experience pleasure.
That’s probably why the realization of sexual discoveries isn’t as big a deal as you think it is. Sex is good, sometimes really, really good … but it’s still sex. Fear and doubt, though, those are much more difficult to embrace. Letting go of feeling like you need to live according to how society dictates you should, that’s monumental.
Sexual discoveries aren’t as bad as you might think, once you get there.