Monthly Archives: May 2012
Relationships | More Trashy Advice
At break yesterday I was reading one of those trashy women’s magazines that seem to make their way to the staff lunch room when their purpose has expired. It’s usually in these dog-eared rags that I find all those quirky and crazy little stats that I throw up on my Twitter page in an effort to amuse and astound.
In this edition, there was an advice column from one of those so-called “relationship experts.” A reader sends in a typical relationship-type question, and the “expert of the month” provides insight and advice … usually the kind of stuff our girlfriends used to dish out in the high school washroom. Often it makes for some good banter among my table mates, as we giggle about the subject and our take on it.
In this column, the writer was asking what it meant by her husband continually looking at other women. The reason this rings so true with me is because it’s a topic my husband and I continually discuss. Having said that, I also recognize we are the kind of couple that would drive a “relationship expert” like these ones over the brink. Pretty much every rule these so-called professionals expect couples to follow we have thrown out, twisted, bent and manipulated for our own devious pleasure. Our happiness and togetherness is not influenced by some all-encompassing moral standards that “relationship experts” in trashy women’s magazines recommend.
To her credit though, this expert pointed out that we are humans with an instinctive curiosity about others. Personally, I like to see it as a healthy dose of voyeurism. Without question, we each have unique tastes and appeal, so when in social settings, it can be quite natural to “people watch.”
Then the good stuff all falls apart; the expert goes on to talk about her own past relationship with a man she referred to as “The Ogler.” OK, you lost me right there – can you say “personal agenda.” She has clearly indicated that she has her own deep-rooted – and potentially jealous – bias underlining any advice she has to offer on this subject.
For me, the writer’s issue is more about the exclusion of the partner in the natural habits of the other.
Maybe I’m the strange one for hoping I am one of those women that attracts a man’s attention. I certainly invest enough effort into being a bit of a distraction and it would be disappointing to discover it was all a figment of my over-active imagination. At the same time, I can appreciate why my significant other likes to look at other women – heck, I like to look at other women! Does this suggest he is seeking a replacement for me? I doubt it … because we don’t misinterpret each others’ “people watching” as a threat to our marriage.
The key, in my definitely-no-expert opinion, goes back to the one topic I continually harp on: communication.
The woman asking the question obviously has some jealousy issues, or feels threatened by her husband’s noticing of other women … which seem to indicate deeper problems in the relationship than just noticing a “hot babe” at the next table. It appears they are just not able to express a part of themselves in a marriage that needs to be nurtured more than one’s ability to balance a chequebook or mow the lawn.
The emotional passion and desires need to be in bigger focus than anything else. I don’t know about you, but it’s not the material things that fuel my relationship with my husband … it’s knowing who he is, his desires, lusts, passions, ambitions, dreams and fantasies that make up a core part of it. If I know and am in tune with all that, then we sail through the moments of economic recession, mortgage re-negotiations, bills, etc.
Then, of course, we are able to relish those more “sexually charged” moments when his (and my) gaze is turned to a stunning set of legs in a short skirt. I say that because, truly, we both appreciate that. I also know him well enough to say he would never be distracted by a set of tight buns or rock-hard abs on a fit guy at the beach … but he doesn’t dwell on me taking a moment to enjoy the view.
The expert says this woman “must not tolerate” her husband’s ogling any longer – clearly suggesting something akin to a showdown at the OK Corral. Like that will turn out positive.
Do I have an answer? Not really, other than if you can’t talk to your spouse about something as natural as admiring the human form, then you should expect bigger issues on the horizon.
Oops! I have to run. The really hot EMS guy just showed up!
Fantasy | 500 Words on Fifty Shades
Recently, I have been getting my Grey on … as in reading the bestselling trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey. I won’t get into the debate over the literary reviews the series has received … because, quite frankly, too many people are making too much of the books.
Yes, they are quite graphic. No, they won’t rank among the best literature ever produced. But I’m not sure that’s what is intended anyway. The books are meant to entertain, amuse – maybe fuel the libido a little – and provoke questions in the minds of the readers. They are not meant to rest upon a shelf beside Hardy, Hemingway and Shakespeare.
The books delve into the sexual kinks of the two main characters, and the lead male’s particularly fondness for BDSM. The young female, inexperienced in sex, struggles with the dominant/submissive lifestyle – which makes up for a whole chunk of the plotline between the two. Unlike others of the same genre – delightfully labeled “mommy porn” by those aspiring novelists working at newspapers across the continent – Fifty Shades reaches a deeper into the sexual psychology between characters.
One of the successful elements author E.L. James has touched on is that slightly over 1/3 of women have fantasies of being dominated by their partner. That I find more intriguing …
In a 2011 survey, 35% of women listed “being dominated by a boyfriend/husband” as their number one fantasy.
I can’t say the idea ranks as my top fantasy, but I am certainly intrigued.
One of the biggest challenges for me would be the surrendering of control enough to be considered a submissive; but I am also now sure that I am particularly suited for a dominant role either. In my real life, I find a balance between the two. I’m also not particularly into “role playing” for sex, although I have certainly tried it.
While the real aficionados will say that this is not so much about role play, but about bringing forward those repressed desires, I see it as something beyond what my imagination is ready for at this point. I don’t know if I really have any “repressed desires” that involve submission. And sadly, I think the “repressed desires” I have on the dominant side don’t involve using those floggers in a sexual way. Let’s set those aside as “occasional homicidal desires” for when certain bitches want to interfere in my life.
I suspect most women, when they are suggesting this is their biggest fantasy, have the idea of light bondage in mind: being tied down with his silk ties, being teased while blindfolded and hearing him describe really naughty things as he torments her physically. The idea of trustingly surrendering control – even though it may be just the binding of our hands – is the titillation. I don’t imagine in this survey, a St. Andrew’s cross is what they really have in mind.
For me, an idea to be explored … perhaps? Maybe my own brilliant Fifty Shades of Andee for some bedtime reading!
TMI Tuesday | It’s Just A Fantasy
This week’s TMI Tuesday just happens to be about one of my most favourite subjects – sexual fantasies. And while there is so much more I could dwell on when it comes to my deepest, darkest, kinkiest thoughts, I think you will enjoy some of the ideas I share in this week’s entry:
Your lover is turned on by forced feminization; do you participate (giving or receiving)?
Easy … Superman, because he is the man of steel 😉
I guess if they had locked the adjoining door between our rooms …
All kidding aside, I would most definitely listen in as they got down to business. I tend to be a voyeur and the idea of being able to listen in – once again, given that I could not watch – would be something quite erotic. Then, when all was said and done, I might just repay the favour by being a little louder than usual when it came to my turn.
Do you think the lure to live out sexual fantasies or have sex frequently is amplified by technology? Briefly explain.In my own case, to a certain degree technology has enabled one of my fantasies to develop into a reality faster than it might have otherwise. Because my husband and I use our cellphones to continually text each other naughty thoughts, as my relationship with my Office Guy became a bit more edgy, using texts to tease my husband drew the opportunity closer. In an exchange of texts, my husband dared me to do certain things, which forced me to ramp up my flirtations. As a result, he was drawn into action faster than he might have otherwise been. Plus, I was able to connect with my husband instantly as certain events happened between my Office Guy and myself, creating something a bit like a cyber threesome. Kinky and exciting.
Outside of my own example, I do think that technology has opened the door for people because the Internet has taken away the curtains. We can see just about anything we want just by entering something into a search, where we used to have to rely on our brother’s Playboy magazines hidden in the barn. This kind of technology has offered people a sense of validation for their kinks by allowing them to see others have similar desires.
The adventure continues.
Flirting | A Sexy Birthday Gift
I wasn’t intending to turn this into a blog, but after a few requests for more information, I figured it made sense – plus a chance to revisit the whole experience in my mind again. I almost think I should have made this more of a Fantasy Friday, given how long it is; but let’s call it a Short-Week Sexcapade instead.
If you happen to be one of my followers on Twitter, you’ll know that Tuesday was another one of those “fun” days for me; “fun” meaning when things get a little hot as opposed to the Family Channel kind of fun. As usual, my tweets were sometimes a little cryptic, sometimes directed at specific individuals, and I tried to answer as many of your tweets along the way.
In my little game here, I have pretty clear rules when it comes to what happens at work and keeping it all hot and exciting by sharing those events through Twitter. It’s something that my husband thought up, and so you all get to be included in the adventure as well. It has also become an easy and anonymous way for some of my real-life friends to connect with the naughty side of me.
Anyway, it had been a long weekend here, and returning to work on Tuesday coincided with a certain Office Guy’s birthday. As a good friend I had been thinking what I should get for him. I couldn’t give him something practical because our relationship, with all its kinks and quirks, is not something he shares with anyone – especially his wife. I also had reservations about some of the suggestions that came from my own spouse. He tends to be a bit braver on my behalf than I really am.
I knew my day would be interesting when I noticed a couple of items my husband set out for me. I had already planned to dress up a little – but he often finds ways to add a certain “element” to that. This time I found my new hot pink bra and panties and black back-seam thigh highs that I had purchased on my birthday date set out with my dress. I guess I knew they would make an appearance at some point …
By the time I was ready to head out and catch the train, I was feeling pretty good about myself. When I know the man I have at home is drooling over how I look, it helps go a long way. After all, despite my flirtatious ways with my friend, my husband is the man I am trying to seduce at the end of the day.
The second big boost came shortly after I settled into my usual spot on the morning train, when my still-anonymous Cute Guy arrived on the scene, and happened to notice me (yes!!!!) and flash me that “I so want to kiss you” smile. OK, maybe my imagination embellishes that a little, but you know me.
The first inclination of how my workday might play out came at our morning coffee break. I had casually stopped by my Office Guy’s office at the end of my first round, just to say Happy Birthday and see how his day was going. As is his usual habit, he made a nice compliment about how I looked. I turned slightly and let him see that my hosiery had a seam that ran up the back of my leg. He asked if it went “all the way up” … and so I slipped inside the door, so not to be seen, and hiked up my dress so he could see that I was wearing thigh highs. I said “only that high up” and smiled and off I went to enjoy my break with a few of my friends from my department.
Later that morning, I happened to see him in the hall. We stopped and chatted as we usually do, and then he leaned in an whispered in my ear about how much he liked the little peek I had given him earlier … and described the reaction it had on him. I answered back that if he liked the preview, he would enjoy his gift later.
Lunch was my next opportunity to stoke the fire more. We have managed to continually – and seemingly without drawing attention – sit directly across from each other at these events. It’s perfect, in that, we don’t give away our naughty secret but we still have adequate chances to tease, torment and torture each other. For example, my Office Guy has a thing for: a) hosiery, b) feet and c) foot jobs. I know this from experience and conversation.
Tuesday was no different. While everyone was foolishly asking about work, complaining about this, that and the other thing, I was removing my shoe and then sliding my foot up the inside of his leg. As he shuffled his chair into the table – as if to lean in closer to our coworkers’ conversation – I was able to gently stroke his growing erection with my toes. However, too much of this can be torturous, so I didn’t continue for a long period of time … just enough to remind him of how much fun we can have.
Lunch continued with the usual amount of collective banter and general birthday chatter until it was time to head back and actually earn our keep.
I’m sure many of you must think that my workplace must be something like Grey’s Anatomy; but it’s not, really. It’s much worse. Actually, while you enjoy all the crazy ideas that go on in my mind, half the time I am tweeting some of the nonsense while running off to make a delivery to one of the floors, or standing in the elevator, the line-up in the coffee shop … you get the idea. Naughty multi-tasking blended with mortgage-paying labour.
Throughout the day I had been posting cryptic messages, hints, etc. for my Office Guy to read – and as designed, for my own hubby to keep up on the antics. I honestly don’t know if my friend’s hand was on his Blackberry or in his pants more often … I just wanted his imagination to be duly distracted throughout the day.
By mid-afternoon, it was getting to the point where all the naughtiness had to meet up with some action.
When I actually visit my Office Guy on non-work-related matters, I have to time my trip carefully. Raising the suspicion of some of the others in his area could be a bad thing for all parties concerned. So, when the moment arrived, I slipped into his office and quietly closed the door behind me. I think he was a touch surprised at first, because I get the sense he was honestly expecting an actual gift-wrapped package … and my hands were empty. I asked him if he was ready for his gift and he got that look on his face that is a cross between shit-eating grin and abject fear. When he said he was, I asked him to arrange his chair so that I could stand in front of him.
I placed my hands on his shoulders and leaned in. I whispered into his ear that I had thought long and hard about what the perfect gift might be. I teased him with the suggestions that my husband has shared with me that morning. Then I said if he followed the seams of my stockings all the way to the top, he would find his gift.
My Office Guy slowly made his way up the backs of my legs and under the hem of my dress. The sensation of his hands on me again, touching me in such a sexual way, sent a wave of lusty electricity through my body. I was already incredibly turned on, and this pushed me closer to the edge of surrender.
When he got to my little lacy thong, his hands gently continued across the flesh of my ass, tracing the little whisp of lace. I asked him to take my panties off of me. I have to admit, it was a very unusual sensation to have another man removing my panties in this fashion – erotic and naughty. They were soaked from me being so turned on.
I stepped out of them, and whispered to him they were his to keep as a fond memory of his birthday. He understands there are reasons why other suggestions can not materialize at this moment, without us having to say. But it is hard to ignore the intense heat that rises between us.
I couldn’t leave it at just that. This was the man who had brought me to orgasm in a hotel room less than a kilometre away from where we were now. And I needed a little something to satisfy my own urges.
I took his hand and raised it to my mouth, and sucked on his finger like I had done to his cock during our interlude only a couple months ago, and then surprising myself with more bravery than expected, guided him under the hem of my dress and to the wetness between my legs.
I allowed my Office Guy to explore me with his long fingers for a few minutes. Then, without saying much more, I took back his hand and sucked on his now wet fingers. Before leaving his office –as time is tight and we do have actual jobs to do, I gave him a deep kiss.
Later that night, after my wicked husband had me pose for some photos in my outfit from the day, I finally managed to get the much needed sexual relief – but not before having to describe every minute detail of my afternoon.
Sex Education | What Kids Should Know
A couple weeks ago I tweeted about a little embarrassing situation that happened after my birthday date with my husband. We had spent the afternoon shopping, then off to a romantic dinner followed by a night out at the casino in Niagara Falls. He had planned the whole day as a continuous event – so I had to start by buying some new lingerie to wear that evening, followed by a dress, heels and accessories. Then, since we were not going home, I had to change into my date clothes “on the fly” so to speak.
Of course, this led to some challenges – all of which he knew it would – that saw me trying to change from my original dress into all of my new items, including the new bra and panties I had just purchased an hour earlier.
In order to accomplish all of this, I slipped into the back seat of our SUV and began to sort out exactly how I was to strip down to nothing but my wedding rings and into a whole new outfit. Fortunately I am still limber and creative enough for some back seat aerobics. Although, I’m pretty sure there were some people in the city bus that pulled up beside us at one point got a very interesting late afternoon display.
Dates with my husband are rarely boring or traditional.
I thought nothing of it as we continued throughout our plans and had a marvelous time, with some exceptionally intriguing and enlightening conversation – mostly around the subject of sex and fantasies.
The following day was much more “family-oriented” as my kids took me out for a birthday breakfast. On the way there, my youngest son passed over a pair of my thigh highs from the back seat – which I had obviously forgotten to put back into my travel bag during the previous day’s romp.
Anyway, I tweeted about the humourous little gaff, and my Twitter friend Paul asked how I explained the discovery to my son. I simply said that I am one of those Moms that is straight up with my children when it comes to subjects like dating, marriage and sex. I believe in being honest with them with they have important life questions, but I also believe in explaining it in a way that won’t leave them needing therapy later on.
And, as I explained that to Paul, he suggested I should write about why children should have a healthy perspective on sex and relationships.
I need to preface a lot of this with the fact that my children have a very traditional understanding of sex and marriage. There are several things that they do not know about, and I’m not sure I will ever be the one to explain it. For example, my website … and that my hubby and I have explored “friends with benefits” … and that Mommy also likes girls … and I have played around with a coworker while my hubby watched. You get the idea.
But even though I do believe in “tempering” what children know about sex and relationships, I do believe it is vitally important that they understand some aspects are very normal and healthy. Being secretive about “adult topics” leads children to being confused about their natural curiosities – and may lead them to seek that information from less-than-appropriate sources.
Sex should not be viewed as something dark and mysterious (until much later in life!). The challenge is always to explain it in a way that they can relate to; as opposed to be too coy or too scientific. And never with “lies.” Unless you have already planned for therapy sessions.
My husband grew up in a household where “sex” was only ever used as a way to determine if the next family pet was going to be a female or a male. I grew up in a household where my parents were a lot more forthcoming with the facts. But we also had farm animals and, as you can imagine, they were good for an education too.
Using that analogy, I would just rather my own children heard it from the horse’s mouth …
It doesn’t take much for any of us to look around and see where so many relationships are going wrong. And while I can’t always explain to my own children why people we know are going through a divorce, or why they argue about issues such as infidelity, what I can do is highlight the realities as to why my relationship with their father is strong. Part of that is explaining that even though we are parents, we are still lovers.
My kids already have a good idea of what the mechanics of traditional sex are all about … the birds and the bees …
What I hope more than just that is through seeing a level of affection and understanding of intimacy, my kids will recognize that a marriage involves way more than sharing a house and bank account. I like to think that we have accepted our responsibility as role models – because that is what we are – and shown them how a relationship contains mutual respect, consideration, compromise and commitment.
I like that my children get to see how my husband and I express love for each other as a couple. In a world where they see so much anger and hate already, they know that at home the emotions are more about love and caring for each other.
My children are now old enough to understand that when Mom and Dad go out on a date, it doesn’t mean grocery shopping.
So, when my children find a little trail of suggestive lingerie in the back seat of the family vehicle, I have no qualms about turning their youthful curiosity into prepubescent disgust with the knowledge that Mom might be a little tired, but she definitely had a good time!
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